Dark Shadows Episode 18

We're back. The phony war is over and shit is about to get real in the bitter rivalry between Burke of the Chin and Creepy Uncle Roger. Or is it? Roger thinks Burke tried to kill him; when really it was his own son, Devil Child David; whereas Burke, regardless of what his motives are in the long term, is at the moment too busy trying to mend Floozy Caroline's love life to be up to anything nefarious.

Personally, I'm hoping for at least one axe murder, and possibly an RPG attack. Let's see. (Watch the ep here if you like)

We begin, as ever, with the delectable Vicky W, telling it like it is;

My name is Victoria Winters. My past is still a mystery to me, but my future is bound to the great house on Widow's Hill; to a boy whose eyes brim with fear and torment; to the strange sounds and lonely echoes of a small room, filled with the memory of long dead years.

That's it. They're definitely getting weaker, these intros. Time was, they were the highlight of the episode! Get your shit together, Dark Shadows Writer Man! Anyway, to the ep!

Roger wants to talk to Vicky W about Burke, so he bangs her. No, hang on, Roger wants to talk to Vicky W about Burke so he bangs her out of bed and insists that she come downstairs, despite it being the early hours of the morning and she's wearing (very cute) pyjamas.

That's the teaser. He bangs on her door and insists she comes downstairs. Then he walks away. I'm all a-quiver with excitement I can tell you. Onwards!

FFS, Devil Child David is still just hanging around in the foyer, running and hiding in the Dark Shadows (eh? eh?) every time someone comes through. Go to fucking bed you little pillock!

Wheeeerrrres David?

Except, once his Dad is in the drawing room he goes in to talk to him. So why bother hiding when you saw him coming? Eh? Numpty. This is a rather wonderful scene, because it allows for Roger to once more not give a shit and say whatever cruel thing comes into his head to his son. Then make the most halfhearted apology ever. I love that Roger is so blatant about hating his sons guts. It's refreshing.

David does make a bit of an effort to get through to his Dad, because as much as it pains me to admit it; he's much more effective as an evil genius; he does seem to be genuinely sorry for what he did. Roger is having none of it though and pretty soon David is screaming about wanting Roger to be dead and Roger is just begging him to fuck off to bed and leave him alone. Ah, warms the heart to see such affection.

While all this is going on, Vicky W is upstairs making herself pretty (er) for her meeting with Roger. Of course, she's soon interrupted by our favourite Devil Child, who has gone upstairs, but not to bed. He wants to talk to her... I wonder what that's about eh?

Oh, it's not what I thought. Here's me thinking he wants to make some threats, because he thinks she's about to drop him in it, but no, he just wants to whine and moan for a bit. She's being as dense as everyone else though, and is refusing to realise that he's blatantly feeling guilty for trying to murder his Dad. Wake up people! Geez!

Dressing Gowns Ago-Go

Roger is getting a bit impatient downstairs; we know, because we get a cutaway to him looking at his watch and pacing around a bit; but that won't stop David from wasting airtime with his whining. He does finally get to the meat of his problem; he thinks he might be sent to prison, and when Vicky W makes a comment about the person responsible deserving jailtime, he flips out and tells her that she's just like his Dad and all she can think about is sending him away. And STILL she doesn't click. Then he runs off to his room.

Cut to downstairs, where Roger is announcing;

I'm afraid my Sons emotional state doesn't concern me at the moment.

Of course it doesn't Roger. Why would it? That's just crazy talk.

I know that may sound callous to you...

Is this an apology brewing?

...but what does concern me is [rant about his car]

That's a no then. Never change, Roger. Never change.

What follows is basically five minutes of Roger and Vicky going round in circles about whether or not Burke of the Chin tried to kill him, and saying things the audience already knows. Cos no-one writes filler like the Dark Shadows writer writes filler.

One thing though...Vicky again says she was in the garage to get some timetables. What the fuck are these timetables? They were in the glove compartment, apparently. Is this a 60's thing? Roger doesn't query it, it seems perfectly natural to him that she's looking for timetables in his glove compartment. Timetables for what? It's a nonsense, I tell you.

After they've chatted for a bit we get a nice jolly little scene of David in his room, re-enacting his Dads crash with a toy car and then crushing said car with his foot.

Grrr! Devil Child Smash!

As you do.

And then (sigh) we're back to Vicky and Roger chatting old shit. Seriously, we know all this! Get a fucking move on! Oh, wait, plot momentum!

Roger is going to the hotel to confront Burke of the Chin, and he's insisting that Vicky W get dressed and go with him. She, understandably, thinks he'd be better off calling the police. He's Roger 'No Shits Given' Collins though, and he wants to force a confession out of Burke himself, before handing him over to the law. She eventually relents, and heads upstairs to put on a foxy outfit. I assume. Yeah, it's bound to be foxy.

Jump forward a little while and David, thinking that Vicky is still downstairs, is trying to sneak into her room. But of course she's in there getting dressed. Busted, you little fucker! She chases him to his room where she interrogates him. When she asks him whether they're friends he looks like this

Fuck yo friendship, biatch!

but you can bet she doesn't take the hint.

A bit more waffle and then, thank heavens, Roger arrives to shut it down. He's ready to go and he's not best pleased that David is slowing Vicky down. Well, you wouldn't be, would you?

Vicky: He's very upset!

Roger: He'll be more upset if he's not asleep in ten minutes.

Translation, I'm gonna smack him one if he doesn't shut up and get to bed. Parent of the year, our Roger.

Roger stalks off and Vicky sticks around just long enough for David to tell her how much he hates his Dad, because he hasn't said it in at least 10 minutes, then she leaves too.

As Roger and Vicky leave the house though, we get a slow zoom in to a drawing Roger has left on the hall table; a drawing of the component that's missing from his car. Then we cut to David in his room and, oh my God, his little trinket that he keeps getting out and showing to the camera is that very same component! Who would have thoug... oh, that's right, we all already knew he'd done it. A bit of spooky music does not a twist make. Must try harder, Mr Writer.

So that's episode 18. Only 3 characters to be seen in this one, and not a one of them was firing any RPG's. Very disappointing, I must say. Still, we got to see Vicky W in her pyjamas, so it wasn't a totally wasted half hour.

Join me next time (Pretty please) where, with a bit of luck, Burke of the Chin is gonna laugh in Rogers face then lamp him one. Plus; and I know it's cheating, but it was an accident; I've seen the youtube thumbnail for the next ep and it's of Sam the Riddler, so there should be some quality drunken ramblings to be had too.