Dark Shadows Episode 16

Last time on Dark Shadows Roger had a car crash that was, at best, 15% as exciting as I had built it up to be in my head, during the  interminable hours of build-up. Minor scrape or no, I shouldn't think it'll make him any more predisposed to like his Devil Child, since he is the most likely suspect for the sabotage of the car.

Given this shows previous form though, we'll not find out today, because the whole shebang will almost certainly be ignored in favour of a soliloquy from Sam 'The Riddler' Evans.

Let's find out, shall we? But first, a word from our sponsor...

My name is Victoria Winters. The dark voices of fear are part of the strange world on top of Widows Hill. Here in the great house that is now my home, I have listened to their murmurs and trembled at their approach. And now tragedy has almost come, and the hidden echoes of the past are moving closer, and closer. 

Foreboding shit, right? To hear her tell it, this show is spooktastic awesomeness, rather than the stodgy and repetitive insomnia cure that it actually is. Anyway, to the episode! (Which, as ever, can be seen here)

We begin with Vicky W having a wander round the drawing room to kill a bit of airtime, as they are wont to do on this show, before answering the phone to someone who makes her very happy. It transpires that she is to tell Lady of the Manor Elizabeth, again, that Roger is going to be fine. Again? They already knew? How much time has passed since the last episode ended? They didn't frigging well know anything of the sort then!

Vicky W and Elizabeth have a nice relaxing chat about how they know the cars brakes failed and it probably wasn't an accident. Will they figure out that Devil Child David was to blame? Nah, Elizabeth is convinced Burke of the Chin did it; in a not at all predictable twist.

Down at the Blue Whale pub, Burke of the Chin is still muscling in on Main Squeeze Joes date with Floozy Caroline; which unless they slept on the floor then carried on drinking means my question is answered and hardly any time has passed at all. Could this be a continuity cock-up? Surely not from this well oiled team of professionals!

Caroline is, for her part, proving very susceptible to Burke's patter. In fact, between lezzing it up with Vicky W, and her incredibly disquieting level of affection for her Uncle, it seems the only person Caroline won't fall head over heels in love with just from being in the same room as them is Main Squeeze Joe. Poor Main Squeeze Joe. :(

Gosh Burke of the Chin, you are fascinating!

I can't seem to fathom Burke's motivations here. One second he seems to be attempting  to charm his way into Carolines smalls, and the next he's telling her what a great catch Joe is. Either he has some incredibly evil and calculated piece of emotional manipulation on the go, or the writing is all over the place. You decide.

Back up at the house Elizabeth is phoning to have MauriceJohnMathew come up to the house for some important errand; she probably wants him to put a log on the fire or something. In comes Vicky W for a spot of tea and a lecture about how the whole place is a stagnant old dump that stinks of death and bringing David to live there was a terrible idea. She's a cheery old soul, is Elizabeth. Vicky W being Vicky W, and therefore incapable of seeing what's right in front of her face, tells Elizabeth to calm her tits, there's nothing wrong and everything will be fine. The deluded fool!

Mathew arrives and is given the 3rd degree by Elizabeth but manages to convince her that as much as he hates her Brother he didn't try to kill him, which is fair enough, although he does make her even more convinced that it probably Burke of the Chin, which isn't. Poor Burke, everyone is against him :(

Look at those cold, dead eyes. Would you wanna be Burke?

Except Caroline, who is still busy trying to get him to take her home and ravish her. I'm not joking either; she's making constant reference to how guys should take what they want even if it means dragging a girl, kicking and screaming, by the hair. Those are her exact words. She wants a man who will drag her by the hair into his bed. Never was it more apparent that this show was written in a different time. And that Caroline has a lot of leather in her closet.

I want to like Caroline, I really do, because she's adorable when she's not being horrible to equally adorable Joe. I'm not saying she shouldn't be allowed to see whoever she wants, and if a bit of rough sex is her thing, then who am I to judge? But for God's sake put poor Joe out of his misery first!! (It's ok though, because don't forget the impending Joe and Vicky W dalliance. I'm always right about these things)

We get a bit of an argument next; Joe threatens to punch Burke, Caroline threatens to go back to Burkes hotel room, and Burke threatens to break his face with his grin of no fucks giving. I like Burke. This week, anyway. So Joe flounces off when Caroline says she will go to the movies with him, then  invites Burke to come with, so Burke shuffles Caroline out so they can chase after him. None of them know anything about Roger yet. In case you were wondering. I mean, you probably weren't, because Carolines floozy ways are much more interesting, but I just thought I'd remind you in a subtle; one might almost say subliminal; manner, because...

We're back at the house and the phone is ringing. Again. Who will answer it this time, and will they crawl out of the cupboard under the stairs to do it? Let's see...

It's Elizabeth! And yes, she did! Unbelievable! (To be fair, I think they've realised that the geography of the house makes no sense and they've just bitten the bullet and said that this door, which leads under the stairs is connected to the kitchen/ back door area.)

The phone call is a reporter, but she wastes no time telling him to 'sling your hook, you slaaaaag' and then it's council of war time with Vicky W and MitchellMarkMathew, who is back from having visited the scene of the crash. In the time it took the last scene to play out. I say again, this episode is ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.

We're all agreed then? Arthur can watch, but that's all.

Everyone is in agreement that they should say nothing to the press; which is lucky, because you always want to be on Mathews side of any argument. That dude will cut a bitch soon as look at 'em.

Things do get slightly heated before an accord is met, and at one point I'm pretty sure Elizabeth calls Mathew Arthur, which is brilliant if true but I can't swear to it because she went into slightly drunk slurred speech mode in the middle there for a bit. Then, and I shit you not, he goes to get another log for the fire. Ha! I told you I was always right about these things. I could write this shit, I swear.

Hang on, the phone's ringing again...

It's just another reporter, who is fucked off in no time at all. So that was pointless. Wait, Elizabeth has finally remembered that she has a Daughter, who given her strange but nevertheless potent incestuous sexual fantasies about Roger will probably want to know about his accident. Well done Lizzy, it's only taken you all episode.

Oh no! She wants to get in touch with Caroline which means Vicky has to come clean about her going to the Pub in the hopes of meeting Burke, instead of the movie she was supposed to go to. Lizzy isn't happy with that! Bad Vicky W! Why didn't you say something sooner!!

'I'm sure things aren't that bad.' 'Oh shut up, you deluded numpty!'

Once the vicious physical beatdown that is Vicky W's punishment is over; don't look for it in the youtube version of the ep, I have an uncut version, sorry; we get a moving speech from Elizabeth about wanting to protect Caroline. Awww. She fluffs the big final line though, which rather undercuts the whole thing. But it made me laugh, which is the main thing.

Tag scene time and...Elizabeth is on the phone. Again. She's perturbed by whatever it is she's hearing. Either that or she's constipated. Let's find out...

Ah, she's being told how Caroline left the bar with Burke. So nothing new for the audience then. Typical.

And that's the end of the show really, except... we then watch Elizabeth walk out of the drawing room, across the lobby, and up the stairs. In slow motion. While the clock strikes twelve. And then the credits.

I'm confused.

So there you have it. Another episode of Dark Shadows. No sex, no violence,  no noteworthy events. But some seriously groovy background dancing in the pub scenes.

Join me next time when something will happen. I promise*

*Not legally binding.