Dark Shadows Episode 14

Previously on Dark Shadows, Vicky W did the washing up with DiegoPhilipMathew and then he told her off; Burke of the Chin tried to convince Roger that he wasn't out for revenge, before maybe or maybe not sabotaging his car to send him to a fiery doom at the foot of the cliff; and Floozy Daughter Caroline was a bit flighty and cute.

Which of these will be important in today's episode? Will any of them? Who knows? Here's Vicky W with a melodramatic voiceover to lead us in... (watch the ep here if you like)

My name is Victoria Winters. The dead past is still here in Collinwood; there's a connection here with my life, I know, and somehow I'll learn what it is; perhaps through the boy I'll tutor.

...the boy I'll tutor? She hasn't started yet? Bloody hell, she must have been there a month by now, surely? What's that, a couple of days... Christ this show is slow.

Anyway, the boy in question is on screen now, Devil Child David to his friends, and he's being a bit creepy. Because of course he is. First he throws a book across the room, then he stalks around for a bit before a lengthy spot of staring at himself in the mirror, all topped off with him producing some little trinket thing from the dresser drawer and holding it out to the camera so the audience can have a nice long look. So he's an obliging nutter, anyway.

Yes, we've all seen it now DCD, put it away.

Oh, now he's creeping around the hall, he's checking for people, there's no-one about...he's in Vicky W's room! What's he gonna get up to in here I wonder? Nothing good, I'm sure.

He's going through her knicker drawer. A little pedestrian by his standards, but understandable I suppose; he's a growing lad, she's a good looking woman, he's bound to be curious. But oh noes! She's caught him at it; and now she thinks he's stolen something. Oh, you're for it now, Devil Child David!

Except he manages, because he's an evil genius, to convince her that he was actually going through her drawers to leave her a present. Hahaha, oh Devil Child David, you are clever! She leaves the confrontation with a little seashell thing, his assurance that they are now friends, and a 'Kick Me' sign stuck to her back.

At this point in the episode I'm a little distressed that my beloved Vicky W is allowing herself to be played like a banjo at a Billy Ray Cyrus fanclub meeting, so I need something to cheer me up. And lo, the Gods doth hear my prayers, because here's Floozy Caroline in her pyjamas.

Caroline's been eavesdropping and now she wants to know what the craic is from Vicky W. Will Vicky W tell her the craic? Does Vicky W even fully understand what the craic is and, more to the point, will Caroline? How many times can I type craic before it loses all meaning? Craic.

Ah, never mind, Caroline has gotten distracted. It's started to rain outside and her hair style is going to be ruined before her big date tonight. Her date that isn't with Burke of the Chin, although she wishes it was, which doesn't say much about her feelings for her actual date. It's probably Main Squeeze In Name Only Joe, but you never can tell with Caroline.

Onwards! We're in the dive pub with the jaunty yet unrecognisable music that costs nothing to license playing on the jukebox. Speak of the devil; Joe's here, and he's paying his tab from the night before. Who should walk in behind him but Burke of the Chin, and oh how the staredown does excite! Joe is basically telling Burke to fuck off, while Burke is doing his usual trick; and why not, since it seems to work for him; of protesting his innocence and smirking in the face of hostility. Seriously, this guy just doesn't give a fuck; I think he's becoming my hero.

Behold my manly stare, and fear it Burke. No, stop laughing at me, dammit!

After Burke gets rid of Joe by just being cooler than him, we head off back to the house where Caroline is getting dressed for her night out, while Vicky W sits and watches; these two are definitely gonna get it on sometime soon. Caroline is bemoaning that her date with Joe will be dull, and going on about how much better it would be if it was Burke. Vicky is all "but Joe loves you!", and Caroline is all "the hell with that bullshit, Burke is hot, and rich. Get with the programme, Girlfriend!"

Fair play, I suppose.

After a while, presumably to shut Vicky W up, Caroline makes out that she's probably never going to see Burke again anyway and she's not all that fussed, so what difference does it make? She's fooling no-one though, because as soon as she hears that Roger is going to meet him, she's all over the time and place. Not that she's planning to gatecrash, oh no, perish the thought.

Anyway, Joe arrives, and Vicky W has to let him in because Caroline needs to get changed again, apparently. The first meeting of Vicky W and Joe ends up like this

Oh you are awful. Take me now, you handsome brute.

so I'm calling it right now, they'll be shagging within a fortnight. That's a fortnight in show time, so about a years worth of episodes.

Once Caroline and Joe are gone; after another lecture from Vicky W about Caroline's floozy ways; Vicky makes her way upstairs where she she sees a door opening and closing all by itself. A door, I might add, that has supposedly not been unlocked in decades. Devil Child David, bearer of this news, offers the theory that maybe it's the ghosts that opened it, but Vicky W; being, if naive, not a blithering idiot, discounts this theory. Well, you would, wouldn't you? Don't Lie! Yes you would!

But it was open I tell you! Opennnnnn!

David assures her that once she's lived there a little while longer she'll believe in ghosts too. Then he tells her that he has another present for her. But what can it be? Oh, he just wants to give her his magazine and keep talking about ghosts. Ok.

Once he eventually tires of that he gets on about his Dad, Creepy Roger. Vicky W says Roger is a very nice man; which immediately invalidates my opinion of her intelligence; but David says Roger hates her, which winds her right up, I can tell you.

Of course, between the ghosts hating everyone; Roger hating Vicky W; and David's next conversational avenue, Burke of the Chin hating Roger; it soon becomes apparent that  David may be slightly preoccupied with that less savoury of emotions. Vicky W, being the caring naive fool that she is, attempts to counsel him about this, but he just goes into his thousand yard stare mode.

You don't know the things I've seen. Oh, the horror.

From there we're headed to the pub again, complete with the same 5 seconds of copyright free music on a continual loop, which isn't crazy making at all. Burke is there, smoking a cigarette and glancing at his watch; is he waiting for Roger? If he is, that would mean he actually expects Roger to show, which would indicate he hasn't sabotaged his car to send him plummeting to an early grave. Huh.

Anyway, he seats himself in the corner, behind the dancing youths/epileptic fit havers, so he's well concealed when Caroline and Joe come in and start chatting. She's busy belittling him at every turn when Burke makes his presence felt, then she asks Burke to join them even though Joe said he didn't like him and didn't want anything to do with him; face it, Joe my lad, she's not the girl for you.

Once Burke is ensconced at their table we cut away again, so I guess we'll have to wait a fortnight to see what they talk about, and we're back up at the house. Vicky W. is still trying to talk Devil Child David into focusing on the positive things in life. God loves a tryer, eh, Vicky?

Things take an interesting turn - don't laugh - when David learns that his Dad is going into town. "Is he taking the car?" he asks. Dun Dun Durrrrrrr! Does this mean that David has sabotaged Roger's car? And that Burke was just hanging around the garage with a wrench because...er...the writer wanted a red herring in place and hoped we wouldn't notice that it made no sense? I think that's exactly what it means! After another thousand yard stare from David, because this kid is really fucking good at doing them, we fade to the credits.

Will Roger go to town in his sabotaged car, and careen to his death with a bloodcurdling scream? Or will Vicky W's counseling session prompt Devil Child David to come clean about his attempted automotive homicide? Who is behind the never opened door that opened? And will Joe punch Burke in the face?

All these questions and many more besides, won't be answered in the next enthralling episode of Dark Shadows.