Thursday 29 August 2013

Strange Paradise Episode 6

Howdy y'all. Last time on Strange Paradise we saw Raxl explain the plot to Doc Carr who didn't believe a word of it and Jacques, while possessing Jean-Paul, came on to Doc Carr big stylee. She didn't fall for it, but it was a close run thing.

Also, Jacques and Quito murdered a dude. I mean, they said it was an accident but it wasn't an accident. Trust me, I know this stuff.

Join with me now as I embark on episode 6 of Strange Paradise, and we shall see what fresh madness awaits us.

We begin with Jean-Paul waking up on the sofa, giving his face a bit of a rub, having a vague wander round the room and then, having put on his best smouldering look...

Yeah, I be smouldering!
...he has a bit of a pop at the talking painting of Bill Compton.

Why must I endure your torment from hell? Can't I buy my Erica life in the future, without restoring your evil from the past?  Am I cursed with you?

Then he wanders off into the dining room, so that Raxl can come downstairs, in painfully slow motion that they never cut, and have a go at the painting herself...

Jacques Elois DuMonde, let my Master free! Do not bring death into this house, that you have poisoned with your unseen presence.

Then there's some thunder and she looks like this...

*Gasp*

Because if there's one thing guaranteed to put the shits up a centuries old voodoo priestess it's a drop of rain. Anyway, cue credits.

We come back with Jean-Paul returning from whatever he was doing in the dining room to be surprised by Raxl's presence. Then be even more surprised when she tells him there's a dead doctor in the basement, and he put him there. I've said it before, but it bears repeating; possession is a bitch!

Down in the basement, Raxl gets right in his face about releasing Jacques from his magically enforced centuries long imprisonment. Jean-Paul is all, 'but how was I supposed to know that pulling the stake from the voodoo doll would fuck with the magic spell? That shit aint even real, duh!' An argument that would hold more water if we hadn't seen him being seduced by a talking fucking portrait of the aforementioned Jacques.

Yeah, he knew what he was doing.

Raxl tells the tale of how Jacques had killed his own wife, and then her younger sister. She reckons that he'll try to repeat the pattern, after a fashion, by killing the younger sister of Jean-Pauls wife. That's Doc Carr! He can fuck right off!

Jean-Paul is willing to help fight Jacques, it seems, but he can't remember where the doll and stake are, so that's that idea stuffed. I'm pretty sure they're in with the dead wife, but don't quote me on that. Then we get a shot of the portrait, followed by a quick (and sloppy) edit to show an empty frame. Which we know means that Jacques is now in control of Jean-Pauls body. Here's the thing though, and please excuse the rant, but how bloody dense were people back then that they needed these constant portrait shots? The actor does this whole, hands over the eyes and rubbing the temples' thing...

PeekaBOO MOTHAFUCKAS
...whenever the possession kicks in, so why do we need the extra explanation? Because they think we're idiots? Or because the viewers back then actually were? Answers on a postcard to Why The Hell Do I Do This To Myself, PO Box 999.

Anyway, Raxl is still ranting about the doll, until she realises that Jacques is now present when he tells her;

Raxl, Raxl, you're too old to play with dolls. Now be quiet and mind your place.

I don't know why, but that made me laugh. Raxl looks like she's ready to shit a clay based miniature building block, and runs off. Jacques grins. Then he talks to Jean-Pauls dead wife for a bit, as you do. BUT! He insinuates that as long as she stays in her cryotube, he can roam free. So yeah, the doll is deffo in with her. I tell you what, I'm a bloody genius at this stuff.

The scene ends, and I thought this was genuinely, no joke, a fantastic touch, with Jacques pulling out a handkerchief and giving the plaque on his own coffin a little bit of a polish. Yeah, I liked that.

Ah. Ok, so I'm not sure why Jacques came out in that last scene, because the next one starts with him going back into the painting, and leaving Jean-Paul looking all confused, before going for a lie down on the sofa. So he came out for half a minute, just to monologue at a coffin? Okaaaay, Mr Writer. Whatever you say.

Doc Carr comes downstairs, still looking fetching in the same white nightie she was wearing in the last ep, and stares at the portrait for a while. (There's a loud buzzer that sounds at the start of this sequence. I was waiting for it to have relevance but nothing ever came of it, so I'm pretty sure it was just someone on set giving Doc Carr her cue to enter the scene. I love 60's TV)

Jean-Paul offers her a sleeping pill; what is it with people on TV all just keeping well stocked supplies of sleeping pills in their cupboards? Very odd; and when she refuses he insists that she have some brandy instead. This she accepts. Tsk.

He's trying to get you drunk love! Don't do it!
Doc Carr has a bit of a sob about her sister and then has a pop at Jean-Paul about the whole cryo-fuckery. She wants her sister properly interred, so her soul can return to God. And then... then things get weird.

Jean-Paul gets this odd look on his face and starts acting like Jacques. Only, there's been no face rubbing, and as you can see...

Look! There! Behind him!
...the portrait is still intact. It seems churlish to complain, after my rant earlier, but come on! Stick to your own fucking rules, people! At first I thought this was a botch, then Doc Carr started talking to him about how similar he looked to the bloke in the picture and I realised that wouldn't work if the frame was empty so they were obviously just bodging it to serve the plot. For. Shame.

Massive info dump here though because whilst defending his own honour, Jacques; in the guise of Jean-Paul talking about Jacques; relates to us all of his accomplishments including, wait for it... the fact that he'd buried a shit load of treasure in the caves beneath the house and it's never been found. Yeah, I bet that never comes up again.

Ooh, ooh, I've got it! That's why the painter dude from episode 2 wants access to the house! He's after the treasure! Him and not very convincing gangster dude! They're in it together! Fucking sussed it! Ahem...

No clue what's happening here
There is some terribly forced dialogue in this scene. Jacque (still pretending to be Jean-Paul, remember) says, 'if Jacques were here today he'd behave much as I am' and later he gives us 'history is very real to me.' Not that the writer is trying to hit us over the head or anything. For her part, Doc Carr appears for all the world to be in a trance of some sort, to the extent that I actually thought Jacques had drugged her first, but now I'm leaning toward it just being a very odd acting choice. I forgive her though, for she be lovely.

Jacques tells the tale of how his wife died (still in the guise of Jean-Paul giving a history lesson) and Doc Carr is fascinated. I'm not entirely convinced he's telling the truth about her fall from the cliffs being due to the heavy winds but maybe I'm just being overly suspicious.

Then we flashback to ye olde times. Eh?

Da Fuck Ya Doin'?
They've done this before haven't they? I don't remember which episode, it might even have been the first one; certainly long enough ago that I didn't think it was gonna be a thing. I'll go with it though, if it means we get some nice women in those old fashioned frocks.

Ooh, Doc Carr is there! In a nice frock! Er...I'm not sure why, but I'll go with it. Apparently the actress who plays her is also playing Jacques sister in law in the past? I mean, I get it, sort of, but... I don't think the Carr sisters are meant to be descended in any way from these sisters in the past. Are they? Why am I asking you?

(Bit of a Blazing Saddles reference for you there. You're welcome)

Anyway, Jacques is having dinner with his wife, her sis (Old Fashioned Doc Carr), and some random dude. Wife heads upstairs to settle their baby (they have a baby) and random dude goes to bed because he's leaving early in the morning which leaves Jacques and Old Fashioned Doc Carr alone; well, once he get's rid of Raxl. (Yes, we get final confirmation here that Raxl is immortal, or at least really bloody old)

And what does Jacques do, once he's alone with Old Fashioned Doc Carr?

PORN!
Anyway, after a bit of smoochie time we get an honest to goodness wibbly wobbly scene transition to take us back to the modern day. Some time has obviously passed, because Doc Carr is asleep on the couch and Jacques is standing nearby watching her like the creepy stalker dude that he is. She's having a bit of a nightmare, the poor thing, so of course he wakes her up to comfort her (after watching her thrash about for a bit). It turns out, right, that the flashback we just saw wasn't him telling the story, it was her dream! Which I suppose explains why she was in the role of the unfaithful sister. Could she be falling for her dead sisters husband in real life? Or is he implanting these dreams in her head? Who the fuck knows?

Raxl comes in and breaks up the cosy scene, before she and Doc Carr both head to bed NOT TOGETHER and Jacques settles down to a bit of talking to himself/ telling the audience stuff.

In her dreams, and in her reality, it appears that the lovely Allison is falling into the clutches of the devil. That's little old me. Well how can I be expected to resist a lovely woman. She's so delectable, so infinitely desirable. After all, her Brother-in-Law and I are closer than... we are Brothers, under the same skin.

He's not wrong about Doc Carr's loveliness, but still... Bad 'Un! Raxl reappears, because Raxl is never more than 2 minutes from wandering up or down the stairs, and he admonishes her for eavesdropping. She scuttles off and he makes another crack, to himself,  about being the devil. The end.

Considering the tiny cast this episode, the plot is moving at a nice little clip, eh? They're flat out telling us shit loads of stuff that other shows would have hinted at and teased for months, and they're doing it while putting pretty women in nice frocks. I'm in!

We shall return to the island...next time I watch an episode. God knows when that will be. Actually, he doesn't, because on this blog, I am God, and I haven't got a clue.

Saturday 17 August 2013

Dark Shadows Episode 25

It's the quarter century! I can't quite believe it's taken me this long, but I'm finally here, at episode 25 of Dark Shadows. To mark this very special occasion, I'm just going to leave this here...


That's right, every single episode of Dark Shadows opens on a looooong shot of the production slate, often propped against a chair or something with people moving around in the background, and then some dude reads it out. It's awesome!

Anyway, to the episode. We begin, as is ever the way, with an opening narration from the delectable Vicky W.

My name is Victoria Winters. The tension at Collinwood had almost made me forget the purpose for which I had come, but now a letter has arrived; a letter that once again has raised the spectre of my past, a letter that intrudes upon the present and heightens the growing fears of a nine year old boy...

Bloody Hell! That letter! I'd forgotten about that! When did we last hear about that? Ages ago, that's when! Although it's probably only been about half an hour in story time, because these lads believe in taking their time. Anyway, Devil Child David is apparently being a bit paranoid about this letter, although I don't really see why, but whatever, and he sneaks into Vicky W's room to read it. He doesn't get the chance though, since Roger barges in, snatches the letter from him and beats him senseless. Cue titles.

Alright, he doesn't beat him senseless, but you can see in his eyes that he really really wants to. Roger really fucking hates his Son. Instead, because this was going out at lunchtime, he just chases him out of the room and down the corridor. And almost bumps into the camera. Then cue titles.

Is it me, or is the title card lopsided?
We come back on David trying to lock his door but he's too late and in barges Roger to give him a stern talking to about tampering with the mail. It's an important lesson for all children to learn but he's interrupted by David whining that he thought the letter was about him because it was from an orphanage and he knows his Dad wants to send him away, so...

This is actually pretty sound logic by 10 year old standards, but Roger calms him down by telling him that... if he doesn't start behaving himself he'll have no option but to send him away. Roger Collins: SuperDad!

Roger gets tired of dealing with Devil Child Davids shit and storms off so we head downstairs for a conversation between Lady of the Manor Elizabeth and, and, it's Vicky W!! Seems like forever that she had anything to do other than the opening monologue, so let's enjoy it while it lasts.

Which is all of two minutes. Bugger! But what a two minutes! She reckons, right, and you won't believe this, but she reckons that David might have been the one who tried to kill Roger!! VICKY W FIGURES IT OUT!!

Vicky W. SuperSleuth
Shame Elizabeth doesn't believe her. Oh well.

Roger comes downstairs and Vicky is shooed out of the room with instructions to keep her possessions under lock and key in future, because after all, leaving your letters on your desk, in your private room, is just asking for trouble, am I right? Once Vicky is gone, Roger makes a smug crack about Elizabeth having a knack of 'managing people.' She retorts with, 'I hope I can do as well with you.'

Upstairs, Vicky W tries to teach Devil Child David some history but he's being a little shit so, seemingly purely to spite him, she starts interrogating him. About how he's the only one responsible for his own troubles, about why he's always talking about going to jail, and most of all, about how he 'learns a lot from those magazines he likes so much.' At this point I was worried the scene was about to take a disturbing turn, but it turns out she meant these magazines...

What do you reckon he's got tucked inside there? Eh? You know what I'm saying.
So, yeah. She's a smart cookie, is Vicky W. When the writer remembers. The scene ends with him screaming that he had nothing to do with his Dad's car and her replying with the God awful over used line, 'I don't remember accusing you.' Shame on you Vicky W! Very unoriginal! But also, Yeah! Nail the little shit!

Meanwhile, the nobs are downstairs arguing over what to do about Vicky's letter. Roger wants to set the police onto the private eye who was digging into Vicky's past, because it proves that Burke, who hired said PI, is up to something. He has a point. Elizabeth, on the other hand, doesn't want the police anywhere near the situation, because they might do a better job than he did of digging up whatever ties Vicky has to the Collins family. I must say, I'm quite eager to find out myself. As is Roger, who is as in the dark on all this as we are. For her part, Elizabeth looks sick of talking about it.

Not having a good time
But wait, now she's telling him the story that she's feeding Vicky, and tells him that if he doesn't back her up, and lie through his teeth to poor Vicky W, he can pack his bags and get out of her house. Calm down love, where's all this aggression coming from? She needs MathewMichaelMark to come and give her a foot rub, that'll sort her out.

Upstairs Vicky W and David are continuing their nice little chat about him being a scheming little protopatricidist but he turns it around by apologisng for not believing her about the contents of the letter. And if he believes her, then she has to believe him, right? Because he doesn't tell lies, honest he doesn't! Yeah right, tell it to the judge.

Roger comes up to take Vicky W off for a chat and once again the writer seems to have forgotten how these characters work because Roger is quite nice and affectionate to Devil Child David, when we all know he really wants to beat him bloody and sell him to the circus. Once the adults are gone, David proves himself to be a slimy wanknugget by heading straight to her room and going through her drawers. And not to sniff her undercrackers, no, it's all about the letter.

Not sure that's what a 10 year old boy would be fixating on in that drawer
Which he finds. And then presumably reads, although we don't see that part because we head downstairs with Roger and Vicky. Elizabeth has disappeared, God knows where to.

Roger begins to casually bring up the letter and try to reinforce the lies that Elizabeth has been feeding Vicky when... hold the phone! She remembers when she first arrived, and she questioned him about all of this shit and he said he knew nothing about it. It was a casual conversation, before he knew it mattered, and he's forgotten the whole thing but she hasn't so she knows he's contradicting himself left and right now. Nail him, Vicky! Pummel him!

No, hang on, he's talking his way out of it. Bugger. Look at her face, she's falling for it!!! No, Vicky W, you're smarter than this!!

DON'T BELIEVE HIM!!!
His smarmy answer for everything doesn't last long, because he gets a phone call from CONSTABLE AWESOME, telling him about the interview he conducted with Burke of the Chin in the last episode. Roger is incensed that Awesome didn't arrest Burke and rushes from the room with a crazed look on his face. Oo-er! I think probably the charm had lasted long enough to at least partially convince Vicky though.

She heads upstairs, only to find that the letter has gone! Straight away she realises it must have been David who took it and she heads to his room to get it back. David isn't there so she decides to return the favour he had done her earlier in the ep, and have a rummage around in his drawers. She doesn't find her letter, indeed for a long time she doesn't find anything of note, until finally...

Oooooooh Shit!
It's the part from Roger's car! Devil Child David is for it now!

Is Roger on his way to the hotel to murder Burke for the crime David committed? Is David about to be exposed as the murderous little goblin that he is? And just where did Elizabeth disappear to?

All of these questions and many more, will be answered about 10 episodes from now. Come back soon though, and we can watch some other characters do some different stuff. It'll be grand!

Thursday 8 August 2013

Strange Paradise Episode 5

When last we left the intrepid cast of Strange Paradise, Doc Carr had finally arrived at the island, but was as yet unaware of her sisters death and subsequent cryo-ing by her mad as a box of amphibious french starters husband. Meanwhile, Carr's shag pal and fellow traveler Forrest has grown suspicious of Jean-Paul, based not so much on his out of character behaviour, as on his having taken to signing documents with his evil ancestors name. Cos that would put the willies up anyone, am I right?

Join me now, as I take my sanity in my hands, and embark on a perusal of Strange Paradise, episode 5. ('Tis here, should you be so inclined)

We're straight into the action, as Jacques has a chat with Doc Carr about portraits. How do we know it's Jacques, and not Jean-Paul? Well, because he's leaning against the wall right next to the picture frame that houses the portrait of Jacques; the portrait that goes blank when Jacques is up and around. Sure enough, blank frame. Not that Doc Carr seems to notice. And to be fair, it's not that obvious...

Subtle
Jacques does a bit of flirty banter (I think) with Doc Carr and rather than slap him across the face; because as far as she's concerned he's Jean-Paul, her sisters husband; she actually seems to be falling for it. Her fuck buddy Forrest is gonna be raging! Oh, and this is Jacques flirty face.


How could you resist?
After the titles Doc Carr announces that she's off to see her sister but Jacques tells her, and he doesn't mince words I can tell you, that her sister isn't upstairs sleeping; rather, she's down in the crypt, dead. Only temporarily though, he's quick to point out. So that's all right then, eh?


Doc Carr asks to see the body and he waves her off to the crypt, then heads on over to stare at the picture frame for a bit. Jacques pops back into the frame, Jean-Paul looks a bit queasy and then Doc Carr comes back pleading with him to hurry up and show her the way. Which right puts the shits up him, because he doesn't even know she's in the house. Possession is a bitch! Anyway, off they trot.

Doc Carr has a bit of a freak out when she passes Quito on the stairs, which is understandable I suppose, and then freaks out even more when she realises her Sister has been turned into a rocket lolly by Jean-Paul.
She no happy.
But then she hugs him for comfort! Come on woman, you should be kicking his head in! He had drinks with you in the bar then told you she was having a nap then tried to get into your knickers before he finally deigned to mention your sister was dead. Dude is a shady motherfunter!

Hmmm sexy master
In the lobby, Quito caresses the portrait of Jacques until Raxl appears on the stairs; she's still running her bath; and screams at him that his master is Jean-Paul, not 'that one' who 'belongs in the grave.' Then she stares at him for fucking ages because the director forgot how to say cut.

Downstairs Jean-Paul confesses to Doc Carr that sometimes he doesn't know what he's doing and it feels likes an outside power, an evil force, is driving him. All joking aside, it's good that this is coming out so early, when it could have been held off for weeks. It's just a shame that the actor is AWFUL; he puts Devil Child David of Dark Shadows fame to shame, and at least that kid has the excuse that he's, you know, a kid.

Didn't expect to see me here did you?
While he's making his big confession we keep seeing shots of the portrait. In case we didn't get it. Doc Carr looks a bit freaked out, which is becoming a habit, and then we get an ad break. So it's been fairly eventful so far.

When we come back, Jean-Paul gives Doc Carr, and us, the backstory on his wifes illness and death and it sounds like some proper exorcist level shit was going down. The series started with her clogs already popped of course, so we can't be sure. Maybe he's making the whole thing up.

Doc Carr tries to convince him that his cryo-fuckery is doomed to failure but he's having none of it and we get another line about how he's God on this island. I'm willing to bet that's gonna be important later. When she realises she's getting nowhere with that tack, she brings up his mood changes and how he had seemed like a totally different person earlier in the day. Nail on the head, m'dear! Oh, if only you knew!

Jean-Paul sends Doc Carr upstairs with Raxl to get settled into her room and this is usually were I would make a shallow joke about lesbian romps but I'm not going to because this is Raxl we're talking about and I don't know that that's a picture I want in my head. Once they're gone he has a pop at the painting about bringing Carr to the island. Turns out Jacques brought her back to the house purely because he fancies her. I have to say, I don't blame him. She has a certain...something. Jean-Paul calls Jacques a swine then runs off up the stairs and slams his bedroom door.


You know, like a stroppy teenager.

Ad break, and then we're back with Jean-Paul. He's back downstairs again, so I don't know what that last bit was in aid of. Dramatic little shit. Raxl appears and tells him that the Doctor from the pilot, who we haven't seen since and I for one had totally forgotten existed, wants to leave that night because he doesn't approve of all the weird shit that;s happening. Which is fair play. Jean-Paul heads off to convince him to wait until morning. His departure is Doc Carr's cue to reappear, in a fetching white nightgown and... what's this? Noooo!

I SAID I WAS JOKING ABOUT THE LESBIAN STUFF!!
Doc Carr interrogates Raxl about Jean-Pauls odd behaviour and Raxl tells her absolutely everything. Jacques being a murdering shit who lived 300 years ago, his being put under a voodoo curse, Jean-Paul breaking the curse by fucking with the doll and setting Jacques free...the works. Doc Carr doesn't believe a word of it of course.

Especially when she spreads her arms and starts speechifying.
While they're arguing they hear a scream, and about 30 seconds later they react to it. Heading to the front door they drag it open and peer out into the wet and windy night, to see what they can see, as we fade out to an ad break. When we come back, they're still there and they have this awesome exchange

Doc Carr: It's quiet now.

Raxl: Except for the wind. Which is always saying strange things.

Well, quite. Doc Carr is worried that someone may be hurt, and wants to investigate but Raxl is adamant that they shouldn't go outside and ushers her off to bed. Just in time, too, because here comes Jean-Paul and Quito, with the latter carrying the dead body of the aforementioned forgotten Doctor from the Pilot. He's had an accident, apparently. A likely story. Raxl wants to call the police but Jean-Paul, who is pretty obviously Jacques again, although fuck knows when that happened, tells her there is no need. He sends Quito down into the crypt to put the Doctors remains into his wifes coffin. She doesn't need it after all, what with her living in the freezer now.

Jacques sends Raxl off to bed with a wish of sweet dreams, and even blows her a kiss. See, he's not a total monster after all! Or is he? Once she's gone, he stands for a while looking like this

so, you know.

After a shot of the empty picture frame that lasts what must be almost 20 seconds, Jacques goes back into the frame and we see Jean-Paul asleep on the couch. As he tosses and turns we hear his dream, which is Raxl ranting at him about the devil. I don't know about you, but that doesn't really surprise me; that woman would give anyone nightmares. He jerks awake, has a bit of a rant at portrait Jacques and then we go into the credits. This show does like it's abrupt endings.

So we've had quite an eventful episode. Someone died, even if it was a character I'd forgotten existed, Doc Carr is up to speed with what's going on even if she doesn't fully believe it, and we know that Jacques fancies her. More than enough to be going on with.

The constant shifting between Jacques and Jean-Paul is getting a bit wearying, but other than that I'm finding the relatively fast pace refreshing. All they need to do is keep Doc Carr in her nightie and kill off Raxl and they'll have a fan for life!

Join me next time when some weird shit will happen, we'll get lots of close ups of a picture frame and Raxl will shout at the sky. I can't wait.

Monday 5 August 2013

Dark Shadows Episode 24

Last time on Dark Shadows...

CONSTABLE AWESOME IS AWESOME!!!! *Ahem*

So, yes, it's been a while. Again. I'm giving up on making promises; these things will show up when they show up. Although you'll note I've managed a Strange Paradise post, and now a Dark Shadows one, in consecutive slots! Feeling pretty proud of myself right now.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, CONSTABLE AWESOME IS AWESOME! When we left the show last time he'd just gotten through putting the Collins family through their paces and making them feel this big over their ridunculous obsession with Burke of the Chin, and was embarking on his own investigation, to figure out who really tried to kill Creepy Uncle Roger. We know it was Devil Child David, of course, but said devil child has cunningly orchestrated a foolproof evidence tampering operation, so the truth may not come to light just yet.

As is traditional, let's head on over to Vicky W, as she talks us in... (and you can watch the episode here)

My name is Victoria Winters. An attempted murder has made the house on Widow's Hill the centre of a web of confusion, a web that tugs on many people and draws them closer to it's core; a young girl tormented by increasing doubts and uncertainties, a man wavering between the opposite poles of instinct and fact...

And that's it! It cuts off right there, when every fool (stop it) knows that when you do a list like that you need three examples. Shoddy, Dark Shadows Writer Man, very shoddy. The girl in question is Floozy Caroline who is shown arriving at the cafe bearing shit loads of shopping, and the man is CONSTABLE AWESOME!! Fuck yeah! He's in the cafe asking after Burke too. I'm not gonna lie, the prospect of this episode being an Awesome/Burke face off is getting me very excited.

My Hero
After the teaser ends with a totally unnecessary zoom in and close up of Constable Awesome's face, and the dirge plays, we come back with an earnest discussion between Floozy Caroline and Waitress Maggie about, you'll never guess... Burke!

There's not much new here, except that Maggie drops in the news that Burke has commissioned her  Dad, Sam the Riddler, to paint his portrait. Credit where it's due here, the actress playing Caroline does a great job of getting across the 'Oh shit, but that means he must be sticking around a while and he told me he was leaving in two days, and maybe he's played me for a gullible pillock and oh God Uncle Roger is gonna kill me' thought process that you know she's thinking but doesn't actually have any dialogue about.

Ruminating Caroline
Which fact is in itself an improvement, since shit like that is usually spelled out ultra literally on this show.

After a while, Main Squeeze Joe turns up for his lunch date with Caroline and the conversation comes to a screeching halt. Joe is muchos not best pleased to learn what they've been talking about.

Not Best Pleased
For some reason he's got this wild idea that Caroline fancies Burke of the Chin. Don't know where he gets that from, unless it's the fact that she creams her knickers every time someone says his name. Anyway...

Burke is arriving back at the hotel and he is immediately met by Constable Awesome. They square up, like men, and arrange a fight to the death at noon. No, hang on, they shake hands and exchange amicable greetings.

Friendly Greeting? What madness is this now?
Awesome wants a chat with Burke, who agrees on the condition that he's allowed to grab a bite to eat and a cup of coffee first. And then we get an ad break, fading out on a long close up on Awesome's face. I'm sensing a pattern here.

We're back, and it's Caroline and Joe having a riveting conversation about how Joe might be able to buy a boat sooner than he thought if he goes into business with a guy from work called Gerry. Caroline wonders if Gerry can be trusted. She's not as green as she's astroturf looking, is Caroline. Unless Gerry is a stand up guy. Who knows? Onwards!

Burke arrives, orders his food and shoots down waitress Maggie in the process after she gets a bit too nosey, then he approaches Caroline and Joe at their table. We get this conversation.

Burke: Hey kids! How's the good life?

Joe: If you want to join us, the answers no.

Burke: That's not very friendly.

Joe: Well, I didn't mean it to be friendly.

Maybe it's just my suspicious nature, but I think the subtext here is that Joe doesn't like Burke very much. I can't be sure though, because it's very subtle.

Burke gives not a single shit.
Burke asks them how long they're going to be there, then wanders off to collect his sandwich order, with a very shifty grin on his face. He's obviously plotting something, but what? Who knows, but it's bound to be good. He's Burke of the Chin GodDammit, and he was trained by the Dick Dastardly Chorus!

Anyway, ad break. When we return, we're upstairs and Burke is letting Constable Awesome into his suite. Let the showdown commence!

Burke is cool as fuck. I say this all the time, but by God it's true. He sits there, calmly answering all of Awesome's questions, while munching on his sandwich and smiling like they're the best of old mates, just getting reacquainted. For his part, Awesome asks all the right questions, pushes when he spot an inconsistency or odd coincidence, and gets the full story with little fuss. Sounds dull I realise, but I could watch these two all day. (Even if Awesome does almost walk into the camera at one point because the operator forgets to pull back when the actor moves to his new mark. You could hear a member of the crew giving out about it in the background. Brilliant.)

Their conversation takes a meaty turn when Burke announces that he's 'up to here with all these accusations! I didn't come back to Collinsport for that!' Of course Awesome, being Awesome, immediately comes back with...

"You've told me why you didn't come back.  I want to know why you did."

Bloody good question, Awesome. Of course, we don't get an answer, because that's an ad break, and when we come back we're downstairs with Joe and Caroline. Still, food for thought, right enough, so it is.

Ooh, hang on! We're only with them long enough for Caroline to get a message saying Burke and Awesome want to see her upstairs. The plot doth thicken; aye, verily it doth. But what possible reason could they have? I doubt they're planning any three way action; at least not while Awesome is on duty. Let's find out.

Worried Caroline
Turns out, she's Burke's alibi. And what an alibi! Burke basically explains to Awesome that he'd had no intention of contacting the Collins family and anything he's done that's brought him into contact with them has been done at the behest of Caroline. And thinking back, he's right! Bloody good show, writer man, I have to give you that one. Caroline isn't best pleased at basically being forced to exonerate her family's arch enemy, but whatcha gonna do?

Burke is feeling pretty smug at this point, but Awesome brings him down a peg or two when he tells him not to leave town.

You What Mate?

Awesome leaves, after reiterating his instructions not to leave town, but Caroline hangs around, looking none too happy, to 'talk' to Burke. Yeah, methinks some angry sex is on the cards.

Or not. She just wants to scream at him about lying to and manipulating her. She throws the 'how are you gonna get your portrait painted if you're leaving town in a couple of days' argument at him; CALLED IT! Of course, she wouldn't be the Caroline we know and love if she wasn't totally gullible and as hard to sway as a cornstalk in a hurricane, so when he tells her that he hadn't lied, but his plans had changed since they spoke, she believes him. She flat out asks if he tried to kill her Uncle, he denies it, and she looks like this...

Happy Caroline
So, you know, that's the anger gone and the knicker creaming back in force. She leaves, and Burke has a little moment of contemplation; he's deciding what colour condom to wear when she comes back and throws herself at him;  but that's derailed when the phone rings. Who could it be?

It's the bloke Burke rang a couple of episodes back and told to come meet him. He tells this guy that it's too risky for him to come all the way to Collinsport so he should check into a hotel in Bangor and Burke'll be there as soon as he can. Burke asks whether the guy has brought 'everything I asked for?' and then he looks like this...

Burke be plottin', yo!
The last line of the episode is Burke telling his mate that "we might have even less time than I thought." I have no idea what his plan is, but I'm really fucking intrigued, I'm not gonna lie.

So, no sign of Vicky W in this episode, which is always a crying shame, but other than that I'm very happy. Burke and Awesome bounced off each other as well as I'd hoped and Caroline was adorable, as Caroline is wont to be. And the best part was that Devil Child David was nowhere to be seen. Gotta like that!

Until next time, farewell, and DON'T BLINK! No, hang on, that's a different show isn't it? Never mind.

Thursday 1 August 2013

Strange Paradise Episode 4

Welcome back, supernatural soap opera from the 60's fans. If there actually are any of you. I'm not convinced I'm not talking to myself over here. Whatever, it makes me happy.

When last we visited these shores we spent most of our time with Reverend Ted McGinley and the girl he may or may not have a crush on, Holly. Holly has wandered off from a mental institute, and her mother wants her to go back, while Reverend Ted is on the fence. It was very tense.

Oh, and Raxl shouted at the ceiling. A lot.

What madness shall we encounter this week? Who can tell? Well, we can, by watching Strange Paradise Episode 4. (Click here to see it in all it's glory)

We're treated to a spectacular opening sequence here, with a big haired man in a suit directing traffic as Quinto and a couple of very dodgy looking dudes carry a metal casket jobby into the cellar and leave it there. It's thrilling stuff, to be sure, especially when Quinto gives it a bit of a rub.


It's hard to imagine how they're going to top that teaser with the actual episode, but never fear, because we're getting a scene with Jean Paul. He's pacing around the foyer in that peculiar stiff legged robot walk that he has.

After a less than reassuring conversation with Doctor Big Hair Jean Paul is looking a bit stressed. Could it be that his plan to freeze his wife's corpse won't result in her resurrection after all? Surely his literally days of planning can't all have been for naught? It's ok though, because just as he's at his lowest ebb the portrait of Bill Compton starts talking to him again; just a bit of a pep talk, you understand.

But what's this!?!



I'd know that smug grin anywhere! Jacques has taken control again. What devilment will he get up to this time?


Err, he's having lunch. Hilariously; hilarity being relative; he invites Doctor Big Hair and the two anonymous heavies to sit with him, but there's no sign of poor old Quinto. Raxl is there though, serving the food and looking disapproving. He soon cheers her up, with a little light spanking. I shit you not.


After Doctor Big hair and his cronies have wandered off, Raxl informs Jean-Paul/Jacques about his wife's sister being on her way, presumably because of the wife's death. She's shocked to learn that it isn't because of the wife's death, because Jean-Paul hasn't even told her, and hasn't yet decided whether he's going to. Poor old Raxl, the shocks just keep on coming; she'll probably go down into the cellar and scream at the ceiling for a bit now.


Over to Cafe le Garish now, where said sister of said dead wife, namely Doc Carr, is looking miserable and demanding her bill. She's not best chuffed when her good friend and former shag pal, Forrest, arrives with news that the boat over to Jean-Paul's island is being delayed. She's even more not best chuffed when he tells her that Jean-Paul knows she's here, but doesn't seem to have any intention of coming to greet her. Rude!


She gets herself in a bit of a strop about all sorts of things, but the upshot is that she intends to go to the island, get her sister and take her back to civilisation for proper medical care. Isolated islands being no place for a woman about to drop her first sprog, dontcha know. Of course, all of this is moot, since her sister is dead, but she's not to know that; nobody tells her anything!

Meanwhile, back on the island, Jean-Paul is asleep on the sofa and freaks outs out when he wakes up to find out that the cryonics folk are down in the cellar with his dead wife. Now, since we saw him interacting with them himself in the last episode, I think we're meant to assume that this means Jacques was in control at the time and Jean-Paul doesn't remember it; as it is though, this show is scripted so messily that it's just as likely the writer just forgot what he'd written the day before.

Anyway, Jean-Paul rushes down to the cellar because he wants one last necro-fumble before his wife is cryo'ed up; we get a lovely moment when the incredibly high tech sliding tube stops and one of the extras has to surreptitiously wiggle it like a stuck drawer to make it close but even with that delay Jean-Paul is too late and has to make do with a nice embrace from Doctor Big Hair.


After a scene break we come back on the foyer, Raxl is making her way downstairs; I've noticed Raxl always seems to enter scenes from upstairs, even if we saw her downstairs only moments before. I'm not sure what she has going on up there that she needs to keep rushing off to check. Maybe she's just running a bath.

Anyway, Raxl is coming downstairs and Jean-Paul and Doc Big Hair are coming up from the catacombs. Doc Big Hair offers his condolences to Jean-Paul before leaving; he says he would have done so at lunch but Jean-Paul's (actually Jacques) attitude made him check himself. Once again, Jean-Paul is shocked at the notion that he had lunch with this man. At least we have confirmation that he doesn't remember what he gets up to when he's possessed. Or maybe his mind is just trying to block out his spank play with Raxl.

It all gets a bit intense here. Once Doctor Big Hair is gone, all Jean-Paul wants to do is have a nice quiet sit down and a bit of a soliloquy about how much he loves his wife, but will anyone leave him alone? Will they eckers like! First it's Raxl screaming at him about how he needs to leave the island or they're all gonna be consumed by the eternal devil, and once he's fucked her off to whatever is behind the two big doors we haven't seen behind yet because they can't afford to extend the set he starts getting lectured on his temper by the talking portrait of Bill Compton. It's just not his day.

Jacques, for 'tis he that talks through the portrait, wants Jean-Paul to go and face Doc Carr about her sister, but 'since you won't, I will.' Cue the actor doing his 'best' deranged face to signify that he's now possessed again.


So anyway, Jean-Paul/Jacques heads off, true to his word, to deal with Doc Carr. He's taking Quinto with him because, well, why not, and Raxl reappears from standing behind the doors to nowhere to ask him if he intends to bring Doc Carr back to the house and get upset at his smarmy response. Once he's gone, she has a bit of a rant at the portrait of Bill Compton (which we have had no less than 3 zoom ins on in this scene alone) about how it hasn't won yet. Then she hitches up her skirts and... goes back upstairs. That bath is bound to be ready this time, right?

Over at the worlds most brightly coloured cafe, Jacques/Jean-Paul is meeting with Doc Carr and Forrest. So, you know, he must have teleported over there or something. He's being very cordial and friendly and I'm not sure but I think Doc Carr is calling bullshit on the whole thing. I suspect she's not used to their getting on.

Jacques/Jean-Paul assures Doc Carr that her sis is fine and dandy and couldn't be more content on the island, and invites her back to see for herself. Whisking her away, he leaves Forrest standing with a bunch of newly signed business contracts...signed, not by Jean-Paul Desmond, but by Jacques Eloi De Mondes.


Dun Dun Durrrrrrrr! Forrest be suspicious, yo!


Over at the house, cos they aren't wasting any time this episode, Doc Carr is complimenting the house and the portraits; yeah, you say that now love, but wait until they start talking to you; and then she whips out the sketch that that artist dude did of her sister, and starts trying to get Jean-Paul (really Jacques) to commission a painting. Bet you'd forgotten that little plot point hadn't you? I know I had, but then again it has been months since I watched this show.

Jacques is impressed with the sketch, but almost gives himself away by asking when it was done, because Jean-Paul would have known since he was present at the time.  Luckily for him, even in this bat-shit crazy world Doc Carr's first instinct when presented with a slip of the memory is not to assume that he's been possessed by his evil ancestor. That'll have to wait until next week.

We get a brief scene with Forrest ringing his office to tell them he can't come back until he gets a proper signature on these documents, and oh by the way, would they look into who this De Mondes fellow might be? Then we're back at the house and Jacques is offering to show Doc Carr the gardens, because she can't see her sis just yet; she's 'resting comfortably' you see. Not sure how long he thinks he can keep this up for, but whatever.

Once they leave, Raxl, who has been eavesdropping, comes downstairs (because where else would she be?), has a bit of a wander around the room for no reason other than to fill screen time, and then approaches the painting of Bill Compton to tell him that he always had bad luck and so did anyone who got too close to him. And then the episode ends. Just like that. It feels for all the world like they just cut in the middle of a scene.

I have no idea where this is going, to be honest. Will Jacques take total control of Jean-Paul? What are his plans regarding Doc Carr? And will Raxl ever get her bath? All these questions, and many more besides, won't be answered in the next episode of Strange Paradise.