In episode 16 we saw Elizabeth decide that Burke was responsible for Rogers car crash, and a stone cold thirst for revenge began to gnaw at her heart. Also, she forgot Mathews name again. Oh Elizabeth!
That's essentially it. There was a lot of waffle between Burke, Caroline and Joe, with Joe storming off in a huff and the other two rushing after him but I'll be honest; that whole strand, with the exception of Burke being as cool as, in his no fucks giving attitude, left me cold and didn't really advance the plot all that much. Hopefully we'll see some more forward momentum this episode. Or at least some animal sex between Burke and Caroline. At least one of them is well up for it.
So, without further ado, let's see what words Victoria will depress us with in her introduction this week:
My name is Victoria Winters. There is no sound in Collinwood. There is only the strangeness of the people around me; the strangeness of the woman who has brought me here; a woman who has not left her house in 18 years; the strangeness of a small boy, and the merciless devils that torment him...
Short one this week, and a bit lacklustre in the old portentousness stakes, don't you think? Must have written it at half four on a Friday. (Also, 'hasn't left her house in 18 years' probably means she's going out tonight. You wait and see.)
Anyway, the talk of the small boy, and his merciless devils, plays over footage of Devil Child David, thrashing about in his bed in the throes of some weird nightmare, in which he claims he not have done something. I don't know what he's denying, but if it's trying to kill his Dad he's a fucking liar! I think.
A bit of a sleepwalk later and he's trying to throw himself out of his bedroom window; so an episode with a bit of action from the outset, which is a shocker, I can tell you.
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| Jump, you little shit. |
Or rather, to the Doctors office, where Bill Malloy; remember him? He was in episode 9, 27 years ago; is waiting to pick up Roger, who is apparently well enough to go home 2 hours after his major car smash. He asks the Doc to keep Roger busy for a while so he can go and check out the 'wreckage'; it nudged a tree for fucks sake! The Doc agrees, and off Bill goes. See you in eight episodes Bill.
Roger starts stressing at the Doc about not wanting to be treated like an invalid; although you'd think someone who drinks as much as he does would be used to not being able to look after himself; but the Doc is having none of it and soon has hi bandaged up and popping pills. As Doctors are wont to do.
Conversation turns to the accident, because the Doc is a nosy fucker, and as Roger describes it there is a wonderful 'shit, I fluffed my line! Not to worry, I can save it' moment;
ROGER: I tried to keep it on the road, but I couldn't make it when I got to that big curve about 100 miles...ha, 100 miles? Seemed like 100 miles...100 feet from the edge.
Take heed Elizabeth, that's how you cover a fluff, love.
Anyway, onwards! The Doc starts dropping hints that this accident had shades of the incident 10 years ago, when the guy died and Roger and Burke were involved and Burke went to prison. So now we know it was some kind of road accident. Is that whole thing going to be as simple as a hit and run? Anti-climax or what?
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| Will we see more of the Doc? I hope so. |
Back to the house and Devil Child David is back abed, but he's about to be woken by a window blowing in the wind. In comes Elizabeth and after a bit of chat we start to get the feeling that she hasn't taken his earlier comments as an admission of guilt. In fact, she hasn't made the connection, at all, between him screaming 'I DID IT' and 'I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL HIM' in his sleep, and the fact that his Dad's car, whom he hates, has just been tampered with. Yeah.
I think we have our dunce of the week winner. (I haven't done dunce of the week before, and probably won't again. Let's pretend it's a thing though, yeah? Cheers)
After a bit more waffle about how he's scared and he can't sleep and wah wah wah, she lets him go back downstairs. I've got his number, there's totally a horror film on the telly he wants to watch and he's playing her like a Casio. We don't see what the horror film is though, because it's back to the Docs office, and Bill is back to pick up Roger.
I'm starting to love the Doc, I'm not gonna lie, because he's still cracking jokes about the guy who died 10 years back, and about Burke Devlin. He's just like, 'stop fucking trying to keep it a secret, we all know what happened for Gods sake' and Roger and Bill are all
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| Do you think he knows? I think he knows! |
Anyway, after escaping his inner office they settle down in his waiting room; because it's the law that this show can only use 3 sets per episode; so that Bill can give Roger a bit of training in how cars work. Hilariously; shut up, I laughed; he's drawn diagrams and everything.
Once Roger gets it into his head how hydraulics work he goes off on one; utterly convinced that Burke of the Chin has tried to kill him he's off round there to force a confession out of him. With one arm in a sling, he's going to coerce the ex con with a violent temper into confessing to attempted murder. Sure you are Roger, sure you are. Luckily for him, Bill has more sense, and manages to calm him down. Slightly.
Back up at the house David is getting a history lesson about his ancestors; so I guess Elizabeth saw through his cunning plan to watch late night telly; while he waits for his Dad to get home. Such things hold little interest for a Devil Child though, so he soon turns the conversation to his favourite subject; hate. Did Elizabeth hate her Father? Did she cry when he died? Did she dance on his grave in the nude and pee on his headstone?
Elizabeth does her best to answer his somewhat morbid questions but she's fighting a losing battle, Eventually Roger arrives back though, and David announces that he doesn't want to see him; see, I told you he was only pretending to be concerned so he didn't have to stay in bed; and rushes out of the room. Stroppy little shit.
It seems Elizabeth doesn't want to see Roger either, because David doesn't shut the drawing room doors behind him when he runs off, but they're shut by the time Roger comes in the front door into the foyer.
What? It's a continuity error? The doors needed to be shut so Elizabeth didn't hear Roger and Bill discussing keeping secrets from her, so they just hoped you wouldn't notice? I can't believe they'd do that. Would they? (Yes, they would)
Anyway, the doors fly open and Elizabeth catches them mid-conspiratorial whisper, at which point Roger covers by announcing that he needs a stiff drink, because it's been at least an hour since his last one and he's starting to get the shakes. Bill agrees and into the drawing room they all traipse.
Once the doors are shut once more, who should emerge from the shadows but Devil Child David. He still hasn't gone back to bed; a case for Supernanny, if ever I saw one; and now he's going to eavesdrop on his elders, as they get drunk and Roger pimps his sister to Bill in a wild orgy of intoxicated sexuality. Or they sit around chatting shit for nine hours. One of the two.
As it turns out, lying to Elizabeth doesn't last very long, and soon the conversation is all about how Burke tried to kill him and how he's going to get some revenge. From the tone of his performance, I think Roger is meant to be drunk, but since he's just sat down and is still on his first drink I'm not really sure. He's certainly being a bit loud and boisterous.
This goes on for a good few minutes, with people coming and going from the room at various intervals; never once bumping into an eavesdropping Devil Child behind the door, who seems to have disappeared into thin air; and Roger talking to a painting at one point; before the episode ends with Bill leaving and Roger heading upstairs to interrogate Vicky W, who has once again spent the entire episode in her room. Probably masturbating to a photograph of Caroline, if I'm any judge.
But wait! Just when you think it's over... Devil Child David emerges from the shadows once more. He's heard everything, and now he's going to stare into the camera like the lunatic he is until you turn off the episode in abject terror.
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| Fear Me! |
So there you have it. Roger is fine, the writer has remembered that Bill exists, David is a freaky little shit and Elizabeth still hasn't left the house, so that shows what I know. Oh, and Roger is on the warpath. Will the Collins/Devlin feud kick into high gear now? Only time will tell, although 'high gear' is relative, and with this show would mean a pace slightly slower than your average Heartbeat episode.
Join me next time (pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee) to find out.
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