Dark Shadows Episode 13

 (As ever, you can watch todays ep here)   

Episode 13! Unlucky for some! When last we left Collinwood, Roger was about to enter the drawing room for his long awaited confrontation with Burke Devlin, the man who went to prison for something he didn't do, apparently, and all because of Roger. What crazy shit will go down, when they come together again for the first time in years?

Assuming we see the meeting. It'd be just like this show if we don't see either of them for the entire episode.

 Let's find out.  But first, a dramatic voice-over from the delectable Vicky W:

My name is Victoria Winters. From the moment I arrived at Collinwood I'd been surrounded by tension; and now the band has grown tighter, until the great dark house seems alive with ghosts of a past I never knew. Ghosts that draw tight fingers around the present.

Look, I'm just gonna say it. Vicky W needs to lighten the f*ck up.

We're straight into the drawing room; Yes!;  and while Burke of the Chin is all friendly and shit Roger is having none of it.

Shake your hand? I'd rather dry hump a cactus.

Lady of the Manor Elizabeth wants Roger to hear Burke out, because she, apparently, believes his story that he's on a flying visit on the way to Venezuela, as opposed to a permanent residency intent on enacting some kind of demented blood vendetta. Roger isn't as easily fooled as his sis, but he does agree to listen to Burke's story; although not before pouring himself a hell of a stiff drink, because in the 60's it was illegal to do anything after 2pm if you didn't have a whiskey.

Anyway, talk soon rolls around to the guy who died ten years ago and Burke's little visit to the slammer. Roger insists that Burke was guilty and Burkes face does this

and then changes to this

in about 2 seconds flat. That's some shit hot 'my jovial mask has slipped but I am aware and will immediately correct myself because I am a top psycho villain and no mistake' acting from old Burke there. His years as a member of the Dick Dastardly Chorus haven't been forgotten.

Roger gives it some more big licks, demanding answers from Burke about all sorts of shit and refusing to back down about the testimony he gave at Burke's trial. He was a quivering wreck at the end of last week, so that whiskey is obviously doing it's job. If only he weren't such a smug bastard about it, this new found bravery might even be endearing.

The rest of the conversation is all Roger making accusations and Burke having an answer for everything. I'm not sure Roger is convinced, but he's no proof, so he just has another sip of whiskey. There, there Roger, that'll make it all better.

To some really creaky outside film footage of Vicky W walking around the grounds. Which reminds me, wasn't she meant to be off to see creepy caretaker JimmyMitchellMathew? That was a couple of episodes ago, I'd forgotten about it completely! Is this that? Let's see...

It is! *Well chuffed look on his face*. Hashtag, GoodAtSoaps. Someone in the location department needs to look up 'cottage' in the Big Boys Book of Buildings though.

That's not a bloody cottage

Anyway, the door is slightly ajar so she makes her way inside. I'd have thought twice about that if I was her, what with him being a creepy and mysterious man well prone to having a suspicious mind and a violent temper; she's just handing him a 'Stand Your Ground' defence on a plate.

Shit, he's behind her! Run, Vicky W, run! Oh, no, it's all right, he's just gonna have a rant about needing his supper. That's OK then. He lets her sit down and ask her questions. But I hear the ad break music creeping into the score (oh God, I'm recognising music cues, kill me now), so we'll probably have to wait...

No, it's fine, we fade back from the ad break and MauriceJohnMathew is eating his supper, with disturbing relish I might add, while answering her questions with questions which is just rude! Seriously though, he really is unwilling to say anything without the Lady of the Manors permission. She's got him well whipped!


After the least convincing lie ever from Vicky W about whether the boss lady knows she's asking, the old dude finally gives up some answers. Vague answers, but anything's an improvement. He does get a wee bit on edge (more than usual) when she mentions being raised in an orphanage, so I'm calling it right now, HE'S HER DAD! (Maybe)

Papa? Vicky? 

Burke is still up at the main house while all this is going on, and he's still trying to convince Roger that he's a good guy. Roger gets Elizabeth out of the room (finally, after several not very subtle hints) and lays it out straight for Burke. He knows Burke for the petty, vindictive, grudge bearer that he is and...

ROGER: Let me tell you something Burke. If you try to do anything to me, to my family, to any of us, those 5 years you spent in prison will seem like the best time you ever had.

Go on Son! Of course the moment is ruined slightly by the fact that Burke just laughs in his face but you know, he tried.

Things take a darker turn after that when Burke decides he's had enough of Rogers posturing and goes on the offensive by asking how Rogers wife is, and reminding him that he and she used to be 'very friendly'. Then we get the tidbit that Roger and his wife got married the day after Burke got sent down, as a 'celebration'. I'm hearing this and I can't help but think that this show started 10 years too late; it sounds like a much better show!

After a brief lay-over with Vicky W and ThomasBenedictMathew; where we learn that he makes a very tasty muffin and that Roger moved away from Collinsport as soon as he was married, and only came back about a month before the show began, which was 'the worst thing that ever happened to this house' according to the, rather more opinionated than his status should allow, caretaker; we're back with Roger and Burke, who are discussing...why Roger came back after his years away. There's a coincidence.

It's just a segue though, because soon they're on to new matters. First Burke plants the idea that he might be wanting to buy either the house or the business from Elizabeth, and cuts Roger off when he tries to insist that she would never sell. Then he invites Roger down to the local bar, to discuss a little business matter. Intriguing...

Once Burke leaves, insisting that he'll see Roger later, we're back with Vicky W and her now seemingly very friendly host. They're even doing the washing up together, like some sort of old married couple were the man is old and the woman is a foxy young trophy wife.

He's regaling her with the tale of how he once almost died, and again we get mention of the dangerous road down off the cliff. They keep bringing that up, so it must be important, but if it's foreshadowing it's bloody long range, because no-one ever seems to have any trouble. Maybe in episode 100 we'll see a crash.

Alas, the domestic bliss doesn't last long because a phone call from the big house alerts him to the fact that she lied about having permission to talk to him and he's back to being creepy anger management dude. Much finger wagging later and he throws her out on her ear. Poor Vicky W.

Bad Possibly Daughter!

In another bit of grainy outdoor filming; they're really pushing the boat out on this episode; we see her leaving his 'cottage' and spotting  a mysterious bit of movement in the shadows. Rather than running and hiding like I would do, she investigates...

It's Burke of the Chin! He's 'just admiring Rogers car' with a spanner in his hand. Whatever could that mean? I'm sure I can't guess.

It's OK, though, because he found it on the seat whilst having a look around. Well, I'm relieved.

Back at the house, Roger and Elizabeth discuss whether they believe Burke; upshot, they want to, but don't dare to; and then Roger decides he probably has to go to Burkes business invitation. Down the dangerous roads. In the car Burke has been admiring. Yeah.

Then Vicky W comes in and gets a stern lecture from Elizabeth about how Mathew is very loyal to her and if he thinks problems are being created for her he can get very violent. So think on, Vicky W! Think on!

Before the conversation ends, Vicky W asks Elizabeth whether Roger is planning to use his car that night. When told that yes, he might be, she ponders this news for a moment and then...

She goes to bed!

Oh Vicky W, are you so naive? Or are you simply an emotionless sociopath with no care for your employers imminent fiery death plunge? I suppose we'll find out in the next episode, won't we?

Join me then, oh loyal readers (if there are any *passive aggressive whiny aside*), for the answers to this and many other burning questions. I hope you're looking forward to it as much as I am.

Dark Shadows Episode 12

So where were we? We left episode 11 with Sam drunk and stress-heading about Burke of the Chin. Burke himself was up at Collinwood waiting to finally meet up with Creepy Roger; a meeting they've been teasing since the series began, so I really hope it happens this time. And Vicky W hasn't been seen for two episodes, which either means that Elizabeth did tie her to her bed after all, or she's just really struggling with that letter she's been writing; maybe Devil Child David has stolen her thesaurus?

Without further ado, let's dive into episode 12 (watch it here if you like) and as ever we kick things off with a Vicky W voice over:

My name is Victoria Winters. A night wind batters the house on Widow's Hill with the force of a thousand demons. There's no world beyond, it seems; only the waves, and the wind, and the terrible loneliness and fear. I've decided to stay and continue my search, and yet there have been no answers.

It would help if you didn't spend all your time in your bedroom love, just a thought.

Anyway, at least we're guaranteed to see a bit of her this week because here she is, in the very first scene, wandering around at the top of the cliff, tutting at the wind and looking miserable. I suspect she wants to be alone, the better to facilitate her moping, but it's not to be because who should appear but...Creepy Roger, looking creepy.

And just in case you think I'm over-egging his creepiness, check this out:

VICKY W: Oh, Mr Collins, you nearly frightened me to death!

CREEPY ROGER: Perhaps that was my intention Miss Winters.

I'm not the smoothest of chaps with the ladies, but even I know that's a fucking weird thing to say. Anyway...

He demands that she sit so he can talk to her, which she does, but the conversation isn't allowed to start because it's the end of the teaser so they just have to glare at each other until the titles kick in which, because 60's editing is shit, takes forever. This happens all the time on this show and it's never not toe curlingly awkward; poor bastards must have felt like right plums.

After the titles play, if you can stay awake through the dirge like music of course, you're rewarded with some talk of The Widows. It seems Devil Child David isn't the only one peddling this tale; Creepy Roger is well into them.

Apparently The Widows are the ghosts of the wives and girlfriends who would come up on the hill to watch for the returning ships of their men, long overdue. When Collinwood was built, they were told that they were no longer allowed on the hill, and had to keep their grief to themselves. But they never left, and in death they still haunt the hill, giving it it's new name, Widow's Hill. All piss taking aside, that's a pretty neat idea for a ghost story, don't you think?

Anyway, Vicky W isn't believing any of it, but Roger assures her that she will, given time. It's ok though, because she's not family, so the ghosts won't hurt her. Does that mean that they have hurt family members in the past? Maybe they are responsible for whatever happened to Roger's wife? The pieces are all falling into place now, oh yes! I've got the whole show sussed!

Hang on though, if the Widow's don't target people who aren't family, what has driven all the previous people to hold Vicky W's job to kill themselves? Damn, I guess I haven't sussed it after all. So close!

Onwards. The cafe, and Sam the Riddler is announcing to his daughter that he might be leaving town, on account of if he doesn't he'll end up dead and that'll just make her sad and he doesn't want to make her sad. Yeah, that's the reason you don't want to die mate.

Just look at the anguish in that face

On the plus side, Sam is talking in coherent sentences this week, so they can get through the scene fairly painlessly. On the downside, this means we're back up on the hill again quicker than I might have liked. (Nothing against Vicky W or Creepy Roger, but the wind sound effects are annoying as fuck)

A little bit more about the Widows and then we're on, because of course we are, to the subject of Burke of the Chin. Roger isn't happy about Vicky W having had a coffee and a chat with Burke; Vicky W doesn't see why she should have to account for her actions; Roger goes off on one about how dangerous Burke is; and Vicky W tells of Burke's intentions to come to the house and talk to Roger in person, which well puts the shits up him.

Well fretting.

He'd be soiling himself if he knew Burke was at the house waiting for him, right now. Although the way things are going he's not gonna find out this episode.

Back to Sam now, and having had time to reflect on his walk home he's realised that he was being far too lucid in the last scene, so it's time for a bit of the old mad rambling soliloquy-ing. Luckily for us, Maggie has followed him home to try to talk him out of leaving. They have a bit of an argument but nothing is said that wasn't already said, quicker, in their first scene, so I'm not sure what the point was. Onwards!

Or backwards. Because we're on the hill again. Yep, definitely looks like these 4 are the only characters we're getting this episode. Never mind.

Creepy Roger is proper berating Vicky W now. For his part, he's telling her that a war is coming between the Collins family and Burke of the Chin, and she'd better decide which side she's on. For her part, she's a bit bemused by it all and thinks he's over reacting. For my part, I don't know anymore.

Oh my God, he's just told her to turn around and go home! No-one's told her to turn around and go home since episode 2! Ah, the good old days... To be fair, he seems genuinely concerned for her well bring, which doesn't really jibe with his character as we've seen it so far, so either he's mellowing or the writer has forgotten what he wrote last week.

But what's this?!? A voice, through yonder trees! 'Tis Caroline, calling for Roger! And I just got through saying we weren't gonna get anymore characters this week; my predictatron 5000 is obviously on the fritz.

Caroline tells Roger that her mother wants to see him, and it's very important. What she doesn't tell him is that Burke of the Chin is there as well. The little minx!

To Collinwood we go. But not for long because first thing Roger does on arrival is ring Sam and tell him to get out of town. Great minds! Then we spend a good five minutes with Sam and Maggie arguing over whether that was Roger on the phone and what he has to do with Sam leaving. Maggie thinks it's Rogers fault, Sam says it's nothing to do with him and anyway it wasn't even him on the phone and leave me alone waah waah waah, because when stripped of his philosophical ramblings he's as eloquent as a duck with alzheimers.

We hear more about Burke going to prison here, and Roger returning to town at the same time, although just who it was that died back then is still unclear. It was a man though, we know that. Maggie isn't letting things lie, and poor Sam looks fit to burst from the stress. I'm not entirely sure, but I think this scene ends with Sam deciding to stay in town after all. I'll probably be proved wrong on that as well though.

Unhappy Maggie

Now back to the house and Vicky W and Caroline are getting home. No sign of Roger though, which is odd, because you'd have thought if he had gone into his meeting we'd have been shown; I'm banking on some pretty hilarious reaction shots when he encounters Burke; so I wonder were he's got to? Never mind that for now though, because Caroline is convincing Vicky W to head on over to see LucasVincentMathew the caretaker; you know, the creepy one we haven't seen in 6 episodes; in his cottage to ask a few questions. Off she trots, so I reckon we know what 90% of next episode is going to consist of.

Once Vicky W is out of the picture Caroline does the only natural thing:

Nosy Mare

but hearing nothing she loiters around a bit while she waits for Roger to make his entrance down the stairs. He never went into the meeting (told you) but rather he went upstairs for some unknown reason that probably boils down to 'the script needed him to not be in the hall when the girls got home' and now he's heading out again, to see Sam. FFS! Just have him meet Burke, you bastards!

Caroline, obviously as frustrated as the audience at this point is all 'Just fucking go in, for Gods sake, it'll not kill you!' but it's only when she mentions Burke's name that he slows his exit. Quickly reverting to Creepy mode, he gets all aggressive about how she should never have brought Devlin up to the house but she, just as quick to assume Adorable mode, is all 'he's really nice when you get to know him'. Adorable or not, she's not the brightest.

Caroline runs off upstairs and leaves Roger all alone in the hall. Will he stay or will he go now? They seem keen to keep you guessing because he walks backwards and forwards from one door to the next about 27 times. In the end though, he mans up

and with a mighty girding of the loins, he...puts his hand on the doorknob to the room containing Burke. Roll credits.

Utter bastards!!!

So what have we learned this episode? That Sam can be lucid, but prefers not to be; that the existence of The Widows is accepted as fact by people other than Devil Child David; that the sound effects people don't know the difference between spooky and annoying; and oh yes, that if Vicky W was up on the clifftops, it can't have been her opening and closing doors in a mysterious fashion at the end of last episode. Ha, you didn't think I'd thought of that, did you?

Join me next episode when, if all goes well, we'll finally get that big meeting between Roger and Burke. (And if it doesn't happen I may well throw something through the screen)

Dark Shadows Episode 11

It's episode 11 and we're flying. Last time out Devil Child David delivered a few home truths to his dad and Caroline brought Burke of the Chin; whom she may or may not have slept with; home to meet the family. Oh, and Vicky W is upstairs, probably writing a letter. And that's where we're at.

I'm not embedding the episodes anymore, but you can watch it here if you like. 


So without further ado let's check in with the ever lovely Vicky W:

My name is Victoria Winters. Collinwood sits, as it has for almost 130 years, in brooding isolation on the crest of it's hill. The secrets of the past have not yet been opened to me, but I've come this far, and I must wait. It's a strange home for me, but even stranger for those who've spent their lives within it's walls.

...and I must wait... She's telling us that her story isn't going to move forward this episode, isn't she? Colour me shocked.

So, we open where we left off, with Caroline and Burke of the Chin on the doorstep and Lady of the Manor Elizabeth acting all shocked to see him. Caroline, seemingly oblivious to her Mother's distress, invites him in for a drink.

Nice place. I'll have it.

I'm not sure whether Elizabeth was going for intimidating or intimidated in this scene, but she definitely managed twitchy. Caroline on the other hand was like an excitable puppy and I'm not gonna lie, she's adorable.

Burke attempts to peddle the same pack of lies about holding no grudges and just passing through town because he was homesick that he fed to Caroline last week; Elizabeth isn't biting though. Both Elizabeth and Burke of the Chin tell Caroline that she talks too much in this scene, which makes me want to slap them, but Caroline seems unfazed. In fact, from the way she's doting on Burke, he definitely rocked her world back in his hotel room. At the very least he got a couple of fingers in there.

Anyway, the scene rocks to a big finish with Burke of the Chin finally getting that drink he was offered and Elizabeth essentially announcing her intention to interrogate him mercilessly. You go girl!

We'll have to wait for that though, because we're whisked off to the diner/bar/hotel/only regular set that isn't Collinwood, where Sam 'The Riddler' Evans is trying to get a drink from the dude on duty, who in turn is doing his damnedest to get some coffee down Sam's neck. Personally, I think her should leave Sam alone; he appears to have finally reached a level of drunken-ness that's allowed him to forget to only speak in riddles. Of course, now he's paraphrasing Shakespeare, but anything's an improvement.

Sam's having none of this coffee lark, until Hotel Dude entices him with sexual favo... sorry, news about Burke of the Chin. That get's his attention all right. Which kind of makes his assertion a couple of episodes ago that he wasn't interested in Burke and was just gonna sit back and take what came, essentially obsolete. But hey ho, that was ages ago, the audience is bound to have forgotten, right?

Hotel Dude tells Sam about Caroline's visit to Burke, which we already knew, and nothing else. Which means the viewer learns absolutely nothing new from the whole 4 minute affair, because economic storytelling was illegal in the 60's. All is not lost though, because we do at least get to watch a masterful bit of business as Sam convinces us that he's sipping coffee from a blatantly empty cup. That's acting.

This scene ends with Sam making an incredible leap of reasoning and deducing exactly what Burke is up to; despite not having been told anything that could possibly lead him to that conclusion, and being too blind drunk to make the connections if he had. Sloppy, Mr Writer. Very sloppy. He doesn't believe Caroline will be so daft as to take Burke up to the house though. Because that would be crazy talk.

To Collinwood! Vicky W is still upstairs. Possibly still writing her letter, possibly asleep, I'm not sure. She's definitely not practicing the drums though, I know that.

Elizabeth, in her own very subtle manner, has contrived to get Caroline away from Burke of the Chin to question her about his plans. Caroline tells her all about how she read his secret papers, but Elizabeth is all 'how do you know he didn't leave the papers there so you'd read it?', because she may be borderline comatose and possibly drunk, but she's not stupid. Even when Caroline brings up the so-called 'Venezuelan' phone call, Elizabeth is still not convinced. I'm liking this pragmatic Elizabeth; she's even managing to remember everyone's names on the first attempt.

Next up, Sam rings Collinwood, to speak to Creepy Roger, who isn't in the house, but while he's trying to ascertain where he is, he hears Burke's voice and, realising that he was wrong about Caroline not being insanely naive he slams the phone down in frustration.

Or  possibly terror. And I think maybe a touch of arousal.

Burke of the Chin, meanwhile, is making casual references, just in passing you know, to the value of Collinwood and how much it might fetch on the market and how in his experience everything is for sale for the right price and...what? No, he's definitely not out to take Collinwood, it's just small talk over drinks, don't be so suspicious!

I don't think she wants to sell

Back at the inn/discotheque/train station, Sam is back to talking in nonsense again. Check it out, this is legitimately how he tells Hotel Dude that Burke is up at the house;

SAM: He's there, I heard his voice!

HOTEL DUDE: Who? Burke?

SAM: The Trojan horse. The smiling gift, rolled into the stronghold and waiting to spread it's fear. And I will be the first victim of that fear.

A simple yes would have done mate. Just saying. But there's more!

SAM: It's too late! What there was to do, it's too late to do, and now all I can do is wait... or run!

I swear, melodrama was invented for this bloke.

Up at the house Burke is giving Elizabeth his best sob story, all about his poverty stricken father and his time in prison. She might not have been taken in with the Venezuelan business trip malarkey, but she does seem to be buying this; has pragmatic Elizabeth gone away already? Sadface.

Suddenly we're back in the hall and the phone's ringing again. A door opens upstairs, but no-one comes through it. Spooky!

 Caroline answers the phone; it's Main Squeeze Joe and she babbles to him a bit about how things are looking up, old troubles are over, and the ghosts are banished. Then Elizabeth appears and sends her off to find Roger; she's decided to bring Roger and Burke together. That's gonna end badly, for the definites.

Once Caroline's headed off to find Roger, and Elizabeth is back in the drawing room with Burke, the door upstairs closes, without us ever seeing who was there. Spooooooky! Although, to be fair, it was probably Vicky W debating whether that glass of milk she fancied was worth getting caught up in the nonsense.

And that's episode 11 done. Once more we have a tiny fraction of the cast, on just two sets. Also, once more, we have no Vicky W. The one trend I can deal with, the other not so much; she'd best be in the next episode or I'll be dispatching a strongly worded email.

Dark Shadows Episode 10

Episode 10! Double figures! Hells yeah, mother-funters!

Last episode virtually nothing happened, but that's ok because the last thing we saw was S&M enthusiast Caroline going up to the room of old enough to be her Dad mysterious stranger Burke of the Chin, so I'm reasonably certain some hot stuff is coming this week.

So without further ado, let us travel once more to Collinsport, Maine. If you listen carefully, I'm pretty sure I can hear a melodramatic introductory voiceover...yes, there it is;



My name is Victoria Winters. I know I shouldn't be afraid, and yet the great house on Widow's Hill carries the dusty smell of fear. It moves through the paneled rooms and dark corridors; it seeps down from the walls, and touches the heart of everyone that enters.

Short one this week. She's probably not really feeling it.

To business! Devil Child David is sneaking into the house; which probably confirms that it was him doing the knocky nine doors last week; and for some reason feels compelled to do a shining with the drawing room doors.

Heeeeeeeeeeeres David!

Having indulged his Nicholson fetish he heads for bed but the phone rings, bringing his Aunt, Elizabeth, the Lady of the Manor. Of course he couldn't possibly be found in the hallway of his own home; that would be crazy; so he hides behind a chair that wouldn't hide a spider, despite there being 3 doors he could have gone through. He's the Devil; doesn't mean he's bright.

The phone call is from Creepy Uncle Roger, or in Devil Child David's case Creepy Dad Roger. He's basically checking up on the two young women in the house, to make sure they're home. We don't hear his side of the conversation but after hearing that Caroline has gone out he says something that prompts Elizabeth to say this, of Vicky W;

I have no intention of locking her in her room, or of tying her down!

I know it was probably a figure of speech in response to his saying 'don't let her leave till I get there', or something, but with this show you can never be sure.

Once she hangs up, Elizabeth makes it clear that she knows David is present and they have a nice chat about how all the things she's been blaming him for were actually done by ghosts. Then he runs off. So a typical conversation for these two then.

Teaser done, and dirge-like title music out of the way we're in Burke of the Chin's hotel room. Yeah, now we're getting somewhere. He arranges a phone call from the front desk for half an hours time, presumably as a safeguard in case his impending rendezvous with Floozy Daughter Caroline isn't as much fun as it could be, then does a bit of business with some papers and a briefcase which seems to exist purely to eat up a minute of air time; then, a knock at the door, and it's her. Let the sexy fun times begin.

He wastes no time in casually ascertaining that she came alone and no-one else knows about it; because he's obviously got some experience at this stuff; and then he gets her settled in. He's obviously toying with her, and to be fair; because I do rip the piss quite a bit, I don't know if you've noticed; the actress does a really good job of showing a girl who desperately wants to flirt and be seen as sexy, but is actually out of her depth and nervous as hell.

He sets her at ease about a few things; mainly concerning the fact that he's not in town to kill her Uncle. who she fancies, remember; then contrives to leave her alone with a piece of paper she shouldn't read

Yes, read it, my pretty! Mwahahahaha

knowing full well that she'll read it. What is he up to? I'll be honest, I don't care; I'm just happy that we're finally seeing him up to something.

Oh, I spoke too soon, the next scene  tells us exactly what the thing with the paper was. I know I said they needed to pick up the pace but this is ridiculous. Anyway, with her properly won over by him, it's back to Collinwood where Devil Child David is playing with a new toy.

Was this product placement?

Hearing his Father return, David does the only sensible thing; he hides behind a chair. Oh Devil Child, will you never learn? Roger isn't as observant as Elizabeth is though, so he doesn't see the cowering figure and heads straight for the drinks cabinet. Enter Elizabeth,  and a tense discussion erupts.

They cover a lot of ground in a short while, about alcoholism, Vicky W being devious, and how the best way to deal with Devil Child David would be to put him in an institution. Fucking Hell Roger! This guy SERIOUSLY doesn't like his son. I mean, he's a creepy little shit, but Roger can't really make any comments on that score, if you know what I mean.

Luckily Elizabeth is having none of it, and David's position in the house is secure. For now anyway; I wouldn't put it past Roger to throttle her at some point in the near future.When it's all over, Roger has another drink, before discovering David in hiding and... shit, it's all coming out now! David starts throwing around truth bombs about Roger being unwanted by anyone, about how he and Davids mother would always fight; often about Burke Devlin; about how David is more secure in the house than Roger is and had he'd better not forget it... Say what you will about the little sod, but he's not backing down.

Roger, for his part, is less than happy about David's new found smart mouth.

Anyway, back to Burke and Caroline. Burkes alarm call comes; remember that? course you do; and in a move of almost Moriarty-esque cunning, he disconnects and keeps talking, pretending it's a phone call from Venezuela, in order to further cement the notion in Caroline's mind that he's not out for revenge and will be moving on soon. Burke be a clever bastard, 'tis true.

Oh God, it goes on! Now, on sensing she isn't completely convinced, he starts throwing the evidence in her face.

'How do you know I didn't leave that letter there for you to find? How do you know I didn't arrange that phone call? Why don't you call the switchboard and check? Hmm?'

The guy is shameless. He's being a proper villain at last and I love it! Once she's assured him that she has no doubts at all that he's being honest, he announces that it's time they 'got better acquainted.' Classic!

From there we head back up to the house for another conversation about ghosts between Elizabeth and David, who is for some reason covered in mud all of a sudden, so God knows what he's been up to. He's also holding something behind his back that he refuses to let her see, so I'm sure that's something we'll hear more about, in 16 episode's time.

Once he's done his usual trick of running upstairs and hiding once he's run out of lines, it's time for the big end of episode sting; this time it's Caroline returning home with a big grin on her face; I know what she's been up to; and she's brought a friend to visit. Yes, Burke Devlin in the house! Shit be kicking off, now!

And that's it. A really rather good two-hander between Burke and Caroline and the quite intense confrontation between Roger and David means we hardly notice that the plot barely moves forward at all; nor indeed that Vicky W is nowhere to be seen. She must still be up in her room, composing that letter she seems to be perpetually writing.

I'm gonna come out and say it; I enjoyed this one a lot; in fact it's the first episode that I can claim is actually good drama, as opposed to 'so bad it's good, and you'll have a laugh', drama. If we get a few more like this one, I'll understand why it's as well regarded as it is.

Come back next week when I'll be watching episode 11. Let's see what Burke is gonna do, now that he's gotten access to Collinwood House.

Dark Shadows Episode 8

In last weeks episode, we got lots of juicy hints about Burke of the Chin's past; what is this trial folk keep speaking of; but nothing really about what he wanted now he'd come back to town, and Vicky W made a secretive phone call to her old home. Tense shit, to be sure. Join me now as we delve into episode 8 of Daaaaaark Shadooooows. *ahem*

We begin, as twas ever so, with a spooky voiceover from Vicky W:

My name is Victoria Winters. The devils of a forgotten time have found their home on the crest of Widow's Hill, and the great house echoes with their pain. It's a lonely and frightening world, but for me it's a place of hope; a place where the winds of the past, can bring the answers for the future.

Yeah. Exactly. 

So the teaser is basically Floozy Daughter and The Lady of the Manor telling each other, and us, the plot of the first 7 episodes, and restating the mysteries. This show went out daily for christsakes, how bad were 60's memories? Get a move on!

The episode proper starts with Vicky W; who I'm definitely starting to get a bit of a thing for; still in that phone booth trying to place a call to her old foundlings home. She's not the least bit convinced by the blather she's being fed up at the big house, because she's not a moron, and is checking to see if her old friend there knows anything about this mysterious family who just popped into her life from nowhere. Surprising no-one, it turns out she's been lied to from the off. Those swines!

Back to the big house and Main Squeeze Joe still hasn't arrived for his Mother/Daughter 3-way with the Lady of the Manor and Floozy Daughter! It was 2 episodes ago at least, that they said he was on his way!  Even the imminent prospect of hunky teen man flesh can't stop them discussing whether it was a good idea to bring Vicky W to the house, and worrying about their lies to her being discovered, though. Bloody one track minds these people.

He does get a brief mention at the end of the scene though.

Don't they both look so excited at the prospect?

The conversation takes some weird turns, almost as if they were making it up as they went along, or saying the lines in the wrong order, but the gist seems to be that Vicky W was brought up to replace Floozy Daughter so she could go and marry Main Squeeze Joe, but now Lady of the Manor wants to get rid of her; Floozy Daughter likes her (a lot more than she likes Main Squeeze, is the vibe I'm getting, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink), but has no intention of marrying Main Squeeze; Lady of the Manor will keep Vicky W around, but only for Floozy Daughter, no other reason. So basically, 'If she discovers all our dirty secrets and fucks us over, it's YOUR FAULT!'

That last paragraph makes little sense, I realise. I watched the scene 3 times and I'm not convinced it did, either. I think they just threw in loads of extra lines to make up the running time and ended up forgetting what they were trying to say in the first place. Either that or the whole show is nonsense. But that can't be, right?

Anyway, it's act break time and when we come back... Finally! Main Squeeze Joe has arrived. He's a smooth devil, with separate bouquets of flowers for each woman; maybe he is after a cheeky 3-way after all! Settle down Joe, lad, I was only kidding!

After a wee bit of a flirt with the lady of the Manor he's in to see Floozy Daughter, who for her part is not feeling in a particularly flooze conducive mood, because she's having none of his advances. Leave her be, you fool, can't you see she's on the other team? Or, the same team as you? Or... I'm saying she's blatantly lesbianising over Vicky W. Poor Main Squeeze Joe may not be Main Squeeze for long. :( He should try his luck with the Mother; I reckon she's well up for it.

There is a brief flicker of enthusiasm when (Main Squeeze?) Joe talks of getting a promotion, with accompanying $25 a week pay raise, but the laughter and copious quantities of smoochies soon disappears again when he proposes. Women eh? Don't know what they want!

Another act break, and we're back with... the same bloody people in the same bloody room. Having essentially the same conversation. This is a slow one, to be sure. This time around though, the fatigue is getting to them; I count no less than 3 line fluffs in the space of 2 minutes, from Joe and the Lady of the Manor. Line fluffs are always fun. Relatively speaking.

After a bit of an argument where Joe and the Lady of the Manor gang up on Floozy Daughter; not like that; to try to get her to marry him, she's saved by the return of Vicky W; I was worrying we weren't gonna see her again this ep, I was getting withdrawal symptoms; to whom she has a wee bit of a breakdown. She wants to leave! But she's scared! A likely story! I reckon she just doesn't want to leave her crushes; Creepy Uncle Roger and Vicky W.

Meanwhile, Joe and the Lady of the Manor are still having a chat, this time about Burke of the Chin, one of many characters who hasn't appeared in this episode, now that I think about it. At the mention of his name the dramatic music swells, and she gets this look on her face;

so you know she aint happy. Ructions be brewing, yo!

Except not the ones we think. Or hope. Or whatever. He tells her of the attempt by Burke of the Chin to recruit him; so I guess he's loyal and the alliance isn't happening; but as soon as he mentions that Burke knows about Vicky W that's it, she's out of there. Oh Joe, you've really done it this time!

Oh Joe!

As the episode draws ever closer to it's no doubt thrilling cliffhanger ending, we get a confrontation between the Lady of the Manor and Vicky W. The one is unhappy about being checked up on, the other unhappy about being lied to. With so much bad blood, it's only natural that it end in a massive catfig... Oh, Lady of the Manor convinced Vicky W that all's well. And that's the end of it. Bit of a missed opportunity there, Dark Shadows writer dudes. Lady of the Manor does find time to slip in another line fluff though, so it's not all wasted time.

I thought that would be it for the episode, but there's a wee bit of a coda, with the woman at the foundling home; you know, the woman Vicky W was talking to at the top of the ep, 97 hours ago; dictating a letter to Vicky W. It seems that shortly after their phone call, a private eye came snooping, asking almost the same questions as Vicky W. Oooh, the plot doth thicken; aye, verily doth it do so.

(No, I've no idea why she's writing a letter and not calling her back. Maybe to keep the plot from developing any kind of forward momentum? That does seem to be a primary concern.)

And that is the end of the episode. No sign of Burke of the Chin, Creepy Uncle Roger, Devil Child David, Sam who only talks in Riddles, or... but who needs that lot when we've got Slightly Dim, Possibly Still Main Squeeze Joe, and Line Fluff Queen, the Lady of the Manor? 

Join me next week as I venture into the deep, dark, chilling depths of thrill drenched drama that is... Dark Shadows Episode 9!