I was crapping myself, I can tell you.
Without further ado, let's head on down to Collinsport, to see what fresh thrills and spills the residents are getting mixed up in today. (You can watch the episode here if you like) I predict a fiery death plunge. But then, I always predict a fiery death plunge...
My name is Victoria Winters. The dark threads of the past are tying me to the great house on top of Widows Hill. My search seems as endless as the corridors of Collinwood, yet I have accomplished something, I think; I have made friends with one small, and terribly troubled boy.
Oh Vicky, you poor sweet child, he's playing you for a melon!
Anyway, we begin with David sitting in the dark like the Devil Child that he is when in comes Roger who, observant as always, fails miserably to see him for 5 minutes as he scouts around looking for something. After finally spotting his son, and getting exasperated at the lack of a sensible answer to the question 'why are you sitting in the dark you absolute lunatic?' he asks David has seen his car keys.
The car keys to the car that someone, someone not so very far away from him right this second, has almost certainly sabotaged. Will David come clean and beg his father not to use the car?
Not quite. He does announce that Roger won't find his keys because he won't let him, but then he stalks out of the room, runs up the stairs and adopts a creepy pose. As you do.
|I'm the King of this castle, Bitches!|
Then the dirge kicks in, we see the title, and we're back. David is gone, and Vicky W is rushing down the stairs. Incidentally, the storm that has been blowing outside for 3 episodes is now back, despite not being evident in the previous scene. Cock-Up! F*ck*ng Amateurs! Etc!
There follows a weird conversation that seems designed to rehabilitate Roger slightly, as if they'd decided he was coming across slightly too creepy, before he berates Vicky for trying to befriend David, on the grounds that David 'has no friendship in him to give, to you or any of us'. Roger genuinely believes his Son is a fucking sociopath, and has no qualms about telling you; it's brilliant. 'Give him enough time...he'll destroy you.' I actually think Rogers becoming my favourite character.
There's a strange moment here when Roger asks for his keys and Vicky says she thinks they're actually in his car, explaining her presence in the garage by saying she was 'looking for some timetables'. Er... What? Timetables? I rewound and listened to that line 3 times; she definitely says timetables. So, er... moving on.
Roger goes upstairs but promises to check in with Elizabeth before leaving the house; which probably means he's not actually going to get out the door this episode; then Vicky brings up having seen Burke hovering around the car. Quite why she tells Elizabeth and not Roger is a mystery, but then, Vicky has form for being a bit dense.
|Elizabeth looks a bit pensive, but will do nothing. It's the family way.|
Forget about those two though, because we're heading upstairs to Vickys bedroom where she's talking to David. Now, call me a reactionary but I can't help feeling that this child is spending rather more time than is healthy in his governesses bedroom; especially since he spent half of the last episode going through her knicker drawer. Just a thought.
This is another conversation that goes over a lot of old ground which I'll not go over again because, frankly, I can't be bothered to type the dross out, but it ends on the immortal line:
I hate him! And I Hope! He! Dies!
All right, calm down Son.
That's an ad break, and when we're back it's on him, in bed. There's a knock at the door and in comes...Vicky W. FFS! So it's basically the same scene continuing, with a change in set to trick us. Well I'm not falling for it, do you hear?!?
She tries to convince him that he shouldn't hate his father and that his father doesn't hate him, which shows what she knows, before launching into a story about 'a girl' who grew up in the foundling home with her; yeah right Vicky, like we don't all know you're talking about YOURSELF; who chased away everyone who tried to be her friend because she was convinced they'd all start to hate her anyway. It's a moving little tale, and at the end of it all he weeps on her shoulder and begs her to be his friend.
|That smug smile means she thinks she's won him over. Ha, think again, you sultry vixen you. Er, carry on.|
No, wait, he tells her that that little girl should have lined up all the other kids and shot them. He literally says that, and even acts it out with a toy gun. This kid is FUCKED UP.
Maybe not totally fucked up though, because when we go downstairs to Elizabeth and Roger to hear the tail end of their conversation; in which Roger casually mentions her ghosts talking to her, so it definitely seems like this lot are all perfectly convinced that this house is haunted; and then follow Roger outside, there's David, who makes a feeble but seemingly genuine effort to convince his Dad not to take the car out. Is he having second thoughts about his impending Patricide? Would certainly seem so, but it does no good because Roger is all 'Get out of my way nutjob, I'm in a hurry.'
So he leaves, and David hugs the banister rail looking all upset. I think. It's hard to tell with this kid.
Vicky and Elizabeth have a little natter next, after Vicky comes into the lounge looking for David. (The timeline seems all over the place in this episode, with people flitting about all over the place between scenes, whilst somehow managing to never pass each other on the stairs. Maybe David knows secret passageways.) Nothing new is brought up, but there is a phone call from Burke to check up on Roger, presumably to reinstate him as a suspect in the not overstaying it's welcome at all car sabotage storyline. It's fooling no-one though, we all know Devil Child David is the culprit.
Next, a bit of grainy outside footage as Roger gets in his car and drives off. David is watching from his window and announces, to thin air,
He's going to die Mother. He's going to diiiiiieeee
which isn't weird at all.
Then there's a bit of wobbly footage of the car picking up speed on the hill and Roger stamping at the brakes until... it hits a tree. Fuck Off!! I've been waiting weeks for this and he hits a tree?!? Where's my fiery death plunge off the cliff? Bait and switch bastards!
Anyway, back to the house and the phone is ringing off the hook. David is just staring at it, cos he obviously has it sussed what's going on, so Elizabeth has to come answer it. She's not happy, because it means she has to come out from... the cupboard under the stair landing?
|Where did you come from?|
The phone call is about the accident, Elizabeth has a bit of a meltdown and David stares into the camera looking stoned for a bit. The end.
The constant conversations that rehash stuff we already know to fill airtime are starting to get a bit wearing now, if I'm honest. As is Devil Child Davids comatose style of acting. Maybe we can hope that the storyline will pick up pace a bit now that the fiery death plunge...sorry, wishful thinking...bit of a bump into a tree has finally happened.
Join me for the next episode, where none of this will be addressed and a whole different bunch of characters will be highlighted because the writer doesn't understand how to pace stories. Until then, remember, anyone who wants to be your friend should be put up against a wall and shot. It's the only sensible thing to do.