Monday 23 December 2013

Dark Shadows Episode 29

Ok Shadow Babies, we're back. 4 weeks in a row, I'm on a roll now, don't anybody stop me.

Last time: Burke of the Chin shouted at Constable Awesome, who gave not a single fuck; Maggie put the idea in Burke's head that her Dad, Sam the Riddler, may have been involved in the plot to frame him many years ago; and Devil Child David ate some ice cream, before spending the bulk of the episode crouched in a telephone booth. Cos that's just how Devil Children get their kicks in Collinsport.

Onwards!

Episode 29 opens, as all episodes do of course, with an expository voice over from Vicky W. Let's hear it, Vicky...

My name is Victoria Winters. The hours tick by in the great house on Widows Hill, and there is still no word. The boy I was brought here to tutor has not been found, and the faint whisper of fear is growing louder; fear that grips the heart of a woman who suspects a truth she cannot bear to face.

The woman in question is the Lady of the Manor, Elizabeth, and the truth is either that David is a patricidal murder baby or that David is gone for good/possibly dead. I'm not sure what they're driving at yet, I'll get back to you. Maybe.

Caroline returns home from looking for David and makes her Mum feel much better with a bunch of glib comments that are less full of bile toward David than last episodes were, but still pretty telling. I don't think she likes him.

Ha! I spoke too soon. Her comments are going to be full of bile! Excellent!

Elizabeth: I love David.

Caroline: He's a horror and you know it.

How very dare you!?!

Elizabeth tells Caroline that she will never forgive Vicky if anything happens to David, because exposing his demonic tendencies of course makes Vicky culpable if he runs away and gets eaten by cannibals. Stands to reason.

After the titles dirge their way dirge-fully through the dirge like music, we come back on Burke of the Chin, arriving home after a trying day of berating weaselly co-conspirators and getting stonewalled by awesome, awesome policemen. His day isn't over yet though, because who should follow him into his room but noted phone booth croucher and junior car mechanic of the year, Devil Child David! Fuck yeah, time for excrement to meet air mover.

Burke is being quite nonchalant about the whole thing. I can't help thinking he's underestimating David, and that it'll be his undoing. We'll see.

David quickly explains to Burke that his previous attempt to break into his room was all a big misunderstanding, honest guv, because it always pays to get your excuses out of the way early. Burke is going to ring Collinwood to let them know David is safe but David asks him not to and he relents. The fact that David looks like this...

I will stare at you until you run away
...at the time, would have made me all the more adamant to get rid of him, but then I'm well known for being terrified of fucking scary people.

Burke heads off to the kitchen to make David something, which is probably the shows way of saying 'this plot thread has about 5 minutes of relevant conversation in it, but has to last the entire episode, so... you know. Sorry.' I'm wise to this writer now.

Burke's reassurance to David that he won't tell on him:

I've broken many promises in my time. To doctors, lawyers, firemen...even an Indian chief. But a nine year old boy? Never!

is just... hilarious. It's not just me, right? Indian chief? Firemen? I don't know, I've never felt a piece of dialogue stick out so badly since Vicky W was going on about timetables all the time.

Anyway, Burke leaves the room and David, because he's a fucking criminal genius, 9 years old or not, plants the bleeder valve from his dads car under the cushions on Burke's sofa. Cold Moriatying it up up in here.

Back at the house Elizabeth is collared by Vicky W and despite trying her best to give her the cold shoulder Vicky is having none of it and insists on talking about David. Elizabeth blames Vicky for driving David out and Vicky is all, 'all I did was discover evidence that he's a cold blooded killer' and Elizabeth is all 'I don't believe that' and Vicky W is all 'Well fuck you too, woman, cos I knows what I knows and I aint backin down, Biatch' and it's all very sexy.

Why won't you believe me, you blind fool

Later, Vicky is being all winsome and shit, looking out of her bedroom window, and she's joined by Caroline who, in her best adorable way, attempts to cheer her up. Neither of them have their minds on the conversation though, because they're distracted by the huge camera casting a shadow on the window frame. After a bit of discussion about the coming storm, and how the place will be extra spooky once the power goes out and the ghosts can pounce from the flickering candle light; Caroline is THE BEST at making things seem better; they head inside. Where they become distracted by their obvious burning lust for each other instead.

Take me, you mad fool!
Caroline tries to get Vicky to cheer up by telling her that without her evidence Burke would still be on the hook for causing the accident. It doesn't work though; Vicky just can't get over how much Elizabeth seems to have turned on her. Poor Vicky W.

Over at Burke's rooms, he and David are having a wild old time.

Can't be tamed
David tries a couple of methods of getting out of there, because he has no reason to stick around now that he's planted his evidence, but Burke knows he's up to something and wants to know what, so he keeps contriving to keep him around. Here's the thing though, after a couple of false starts, he gets David to loosen up and I think this is the first time we've seen this kid genuinely seem to have fun. He seems less like a monster this way; I guess the actor just needed some lighter material to play with.

It's a shame Burke is just playing him, really. The scene ends on a faintly menacing, 'you are going to be my friend, aren't you David?' and for the first time ever, you feel for the kid.

Back up at the house Caroline is giving her mother what-for over her treatment of Vicky W, and quite right too. Damn you, Lady of the Manor, for making Vicky W feel bad! They go over the plot a few times and then the phone rings. It's Maggie, letting them in on what went down in the last episode. Which of course prompts Elizabeth to send her own daughter driving into town in the middle of a massive storm, to try to find David. He's not worth risking Caroline, you muppet!

Look how worried she is. About the psychotic murder baby.
Upstairs, Vicky W has returned to her proper place; looking winsome at the window; when a knock at the door brings Elizabeth, who's obviously feeling lonely downstairs, now that she's sent her daughter into almost certain doom.

Elizabeth makes some feeble excuse about checking the windows before the storm, but we all know she's there for a little Legends and Starlets style action...

Or to apologise for her recent outburst. Whatever. My way would have been better. Once her apology is out of the way, Elizabeth launches into a little speech, because why not, right?

He [David] belongs to this house, Miss Winters, and there's no peace here. Not for me, not for Caroline, not for poor little David. And I'm not sure there ever can be peace.

Yet another hint there, that this house might not be entirely normal. I wish they'd just come out and fucking say it.

Back to proto odd couple Burke and David now, where David is bemoaning the fact that his Dad hates him. Burke tries to reassure him that it may not be as bad as all that with a story about his own Dad, but it's no use. David is just a miserable little fucker by nature. I can relate.

Burke flat out asks David why he came to his rooms. Just when you think David might admit the truth; they're best buddies now, after all; he launches into a tale of how his mum and dad would always fight about Burke, so he was curious to see what all the fuss was about. Devil Child has an answer for everything, so he does.

Of course, just because he has an answer, doesn't mean Burke of the Chin believes it, because Burke of the Chin is a Machiavellian genius himself, and can spot that kind of thing a mile away. He doesn't push David on it though. I think he's spotted a kindred spirit and wants to cultivate a partnership. Who knows?

Burke agrees to drive David home before the big storm hits, but insists that David go and wash up in the bathroom first. It's as transparent an excuse to get him out of the room as ever there was, and David knows it, but there's nothing he can do about it and off he trudges. As soon as he's gone, Burke retrieves the evidence from the couch. He knew all along! Burke 1, David 0.

But what will he do about it?
And that's the end of another episode. No Awesome this time, which is a shame, but the main plot has inched ever closer to a resolution, Caroline had ample opportunity to be adorable and we got the beginnings of what could be a good little double act in Burke and David. All in all, can't complain.

I do hope this car accident storyline is over soon though.

Join me again next time for episode 30, wherein major shit will undoubtedly go down, I can just smell it.

Friday 20 December 2013

Strange Paradise Episode 9

It's time once again to delve into the madness that is Strange Paradise. I know you're as excited as I am.

Last time, Dan Forrest was offered a day trip to the past but on realising it was only metaphorical time travel he fucked it off and went home; Doc Carr accused Jean-Paul of murder, changed her mind and decided he was possessed instead, then changed her mind again and just looked confused; and we got hints of major, Tarot based, destinies for all involved. T'were a thrillride and a half and no mistake. But what next?

We open, as last time, on Jean-Paul dictating a little message to his dead...sorry, cryogenically preserved, wife about what's going on. It's a handy way to get everyone up to speed in a way that absolutely isn't a rip off of the Vicky W opening voiceovers on Dark Shadows. No Sir, not at all. Here is todays...

And so another day has passed, my darling Erica. Another day without you. The storm we've been sitting through has subsided, and I'm going over to the main island to commission the young man your sister recommended, to do an oil of you. Until the day your loveliness returns from the beyond, to reality, your portrait and I will share the hours.

So we know what the main storyline of this episode is going to be, and we get a re-affirmation of Jean-Paul's creepy obsession with his CryoWife. Job done.

Our first proper scene is with Reverend Ted McGinley, who is stopping in to visit that noted harridan, Hollys Mum. Because he likes being accused of stalkery pervert status I guess.

Wow, there really was nothing more to the scene than that. Ok. Moving on.

To a shot of some stairs!


Ok, place your bets, who is gonna come down them? I'm hoping for Raxl; given her absence from the entirety of the last episode she has lots of stair walking to make up.

Raxl! Raxl! Raxl!
Bugger, it's Jean-Paul. And he's looking a wee bit perturbed. Not sure why. Perhaps he's having one of those days were you hear a constant buzzing noise but you search and you search and you just can't see the fly. It's possible, right? I mean, I'm just spitballing here.

Quinto is here to take his mind off things though, by showing him the documents Forrest has sent over to have resigned, on account of he signed them as Jacques, back when he was possessed that time in the cafe. You remember. He basically tells Quinto he aint got time for that shit though, because he needs to find Raxl. Aaah, that's why he was all perturbed. See, I knew there was something.

Why is he so desperate to find her though? I can't imagine he wants to take her with him to the mainland. That'd just be embarrassing. Oh, he wants her to monitor the gauges on Cryo-Wife's casket. He couldn't possibly leave the house with her unattended, and Doc Carr can't help because she thinks the whole thing is utter fucking lunacy.

He doesn't say that last part.

The only logical thing to do in this situation is of course to...

Just a little drinky poo
Yes, that's right, get sloshed. Good thinking there old son. You'll go far.

It's at this point that the talking portrait of Bill Compton starts mocking him and if I've learned anything from the year it's taken me to watch 9 episodes it's that this show is always better when Watercolour Bill is talking. I'm not sure Jean-Paul agrees though.

GERROUT MA HEID
Why do you drive to make me believe that you and I are one? Well perhaps I am one with you...or perhaps I am a devil, as Raxl says you are. Whatever your strange power is, that forces me to lose control over myself, and commit inadvertent actions, I beg of you please, PLEASE, do not place in jeopardy the cryonics process or the ultimate return of my darling Erica to these arms where she rightfully belongs.

That's what Jean-Paul says to Watercolour Bill. And if that doesn't convince you that this show is insane then nothing will. I mean come on, he's being forced to commit INADVERTENT ACTIONS for fucks sake.

There's a bit more back and forth, with Jean-Paul threatening to cut up the painting, and Watercolour Bil basically telling him to bring it on, and then we cut to Reverend Ted McGinley. For more blatant filler.

'This scene is pointless.' 'OMG I no rite?'

Oh, now they're discussing whether Hollys dad being dead might have affected her behaviour. Can't imagine why it would.

Over at Cafe Le DayGlo, what a coincidence, Tarot Lady and Painter Dude are talking about Holly too. They're joking about Painter Dude possibly wanting to shag her. Between him and Reverend Ted, she sure does attract some skeevy older guys. Poor lass.

Painter Dude. Check him out.
The jocularity doesn't stick around for long, because true to form that noted party pooper Tarot Lady is soon making dread pronouncements about how Holly is about to go through shit. She never predicts romance and lottery wins, this one.

Quick hop back to Hollys Mums house.

She's threatening Reverend Ted again. Blah blah, she's too young for you, blah blah, she's going to be rich when the will comes through, blah blah, she's manipulating you you big perv, blah blah blah. Seen it all before, moving on.

Jean-Paul is ready to leave now. Turns out Raxl was down in the Cryo Dungeon the whole time. Silly Jean-Paul! We still don't see her though, was the actress on holiday?

Cafe Le DayGlo now, and Holly has arrived! Yay! Now maybe everyone will stop talking about her. She sees the Tarot cards on the table and asks Tarot Lady to tell her future. Tarot Lady jumps up screaming YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW GIRL! YOU GON' DIEEEE. DIE REAL BAAAADD, and runs out of the room. Or she might as well have. Seriously, she aint hanging about.

Holly wants to know why Tarot Lady is so unwilling to talk to her but Painter Dude tells her to shut her damn mouth and sit her pretty ass down so he can schmooze her. Again, not really, but as good as. For someone who is being positioned as a major player, Holly sure is being written pretty weak.

Y U B SO MEAN?
Painter Dude manages to rein in his rampant chauvinism long enough for them to have a nice chat about how he isn't a junkie, he just has a shitload of debt, and how she's on the run from her Mum who wants to lock her in the loony bin for the crime of wanting to keep her inheritance. It's all very Mills&Boon.

Jean-Paul arrives. Painter Dude almost creams his pants, because he never thought the commission would actually happen. And it almost doesn't, because fucking Tarot Lady over here is all, 'can I have a word Jean-Paul?' and 'death stalks you and yours Jean-Paul' and 'you must leave the island at once Jean-Paul or everyone and everything in your life will turn to a big old pile of steaming shite.' And so on.

Jean-Paul listens to just about as much as he can stomach before telling her to step off. Aint no way he's leaving that island! That there is his very own tropical paradise. Even if it is a slightly strange one. (Eh? Eh? Oh suit yourself) Luckily he isn't pissed off enough to just walk out and never look back, and Painter Dude gets his meeting after all.

Of course, it's not entirely clear how he expects to get Painter Dude to paint his wife, since his wife is locked up in her Cryofuckery coffin. He obviously has a plan though.

That's his Plan Face

The meeting takes all of about 30 seconds and Jean-Paul just cold hands over seven and a half grand in cash. Cos that's just how he rolls. Then he wanders off to buy some Buds and the latest Playboy, leaving Holly and Painter Dude to their budding romance. I hate to think what's going to happen when Reverend Ted arrives on the scene. Him and Painter Dude are gonna kick off, I guarantee it.

After a little bit of banter, Painter Dude gets up and leaves to use that thick wad of cash to pay off the mafia hitmen who are hounding his every move. I swear he's not offscreen more than 10 seconds when Tarot Lady wanders in and says 'Oh Holly, Painter Dude has put in a word for you and I'm giving you a job.' Oh yes, Tarot Lady? When exactly?

Horrible bit of directing, that. Stands out a mile. If I wasn't so forgiving a soul I might have turned off the show and thrown my laptop out the window, bellowing with rage.

Holly gets all excited and as she gets up to leave; don't ask me where she's going cos I haven't got a clue; she bumps into...

Of all the Day Glo Cafe's in all the world...
It's only fucking Reverend Ted McGinley! Where the hell did he come from, he was talking to her Mum not five minutes ago. What the hell is happening to the passage of time here! I'm GETTING ANNOYED at this WANTON DISREGARD for logical story structure!!

Ahem, anyway, Holly isn't pleased to see him, and screams at him to leave her alone and get out out. I'm sure he'll respectfully abide by her clearly heartfelt request. Yeah. Definitely.

Jean-Paul is back. It seems he and Painter Dude can't go over to the island because Quinto had to take the boat with an urgent message for Raxl. Hmm. Rum.

We scoot on back to the house, where Quinto has already arrived, because TIME IS  MEANINGLESS NOW, and he... walks across the hall towards the cellar door.

There's a flash of lightning.

Look at him there. Al big and Quinto-ey
He pauses to ponder the lightning for a second. Then he walks through the cellar door.

The end.

The fuck was that about? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE AND THEY STILL BROKE ALL THE LAWS OF SPACE AND TIME TO FIT IT ALL IN. ALL THE NOTHING. BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENED. THE FUCK!??!

Next episode best be fucking epic, that's all I'm saying.

Monday 16 December 2013

Dark Shadows Episode 28

This is it, Shadow Babies, the moment you've all been waiting for! Yes, there can be only one episode, er...28.

Last time on Dark Shadows we saw; Burke of the Chin meet with, and berate, his associate who for reasons known only to himself goes by the name of Toady (he doesn't, but I can't remember his real name); Vicky W realise that Devil Child David had done a pretty good job of putting suspicion on her for his Dads car crash; and Constable Awesome searched Burkes room.

Oh, and the aforementioned Devil Child was caught trying to break into Burkes room. We know it'll have been to plant evidence on him, but no doubt the kid will have another story. Because he's a criminal mastermind. Now, onwards!

What does Vicky W's expository monologue have for us today?

My name is Victoria Winters. A nine year old boy, driven by fear and desperation, has disappeared from Collinwood. A boy who holds the key to an attempted murder; a crime that holds the interest and concern of many people.

Is that it? Very slack effort. Although if nothing else it gets us into the first scene quickly, and that can only be a good thing because that first scene has Constable Awesome in it! Huzzah!

Just chillin in ma office, homes
Granted he looks to be doing some filing, but I'm confident someone will be along soon for him to verbally demolish in his awesome way.

And sure enough, here's Burke of the Chin! The scene basically comprises of Burke being angry at Awesome for searching his room and Awesome giving approximately 2 fucks less than someone who gives 2 fucks. I love Constable Awesome to an embarrassing degree. Anyway, that's the teaser. Cue titles.

Aaaand, we're back! Burke demands to know why Awesome suddenly decided to search his room and also whether he found anything of interest; Awesome compliments Burke on his clothes and asks where he got them. Burke insists someone must have put Awesome up to searching the room because if he really wanted to do it he could have done when he interviewed Burke there; Awesome says he's just a small town sheriff and it takes him a while to think of these things.

Awesome leaves the room to run an errand but before he goes he tells Burke that nothing will stop him digging until he knows the whole truth, and he leaves him with a question. If he didn't do it, then who did?

Cut to

Subtlety, thy name is Dark Shadows

Devil Child David is standing in the hotel lobby when Maggie (remember her?) ushers him in to the cafe for a sundae. She asks him how long he was hanging around in the lobby, and he says he wasn't doing anything wrong, just sitting. Now they told us last episode that he had been nabbed trying to break in to Burkes room, so I'm not sure what's going on here. We'll see how it plays out.

Maggie mentions to David that she's quite anxious to speak to his Dad; I'm not sure if we're supposed to know what she wants to talk to him about because it's been so long since we saw her, but again, let's give it a while; but David fumbles some answer about not knowing where his Dad is, but probably in his office. I'm not sure we know were Roger is at the moment either. Last we saw he was hassling Awesome to search Burkes room and that was obviously ages ago so...

Anyway, after quizzing David some more about when Roger might show his face, Maggie wanders off to make a phone call; she says to her Dad, Sam the Riddler, but who knows; and we fade out of act one with a nice lingering shot of David eating some ice cream.

We come back on Burke, still loitering around Awesomes office. Awesome comes back and sees Burke looking at the wanted posters on the notice board.

Awesome: See anyone you know?

Brilliant. When Burke says he hasn't moved in those circles for five years Awesome responds with

Awesome: you've been out of prison that long?

Burke: My sentence was reduced. I was a good boy. Still am.

Awesome. I know. You keep telling me.

It doesn't sound like much, but it's the sheer nonchalance with which Awesome plays it, like he's a cat and Burke is a mouse at the end of a piece of string.

Awesome takes a phone call from New York, which makes Burke even more paranoid, because obviously it must be about him and then Burke says that he hasn't been able to think of anyone else with a motive to kill Roger. Then Awesome says something which is either massively important or a fluff by the writer:

Awesome: You know, that's the trouble Burke. Up till now, you're the only one I've been able to put my finger on.

Did you spot it? Did you? He said up till now! Don't worry if you didn't spot it though, because neither did Burke, who goes into an apoplectic rage at the indignity of being falsely accused.

Angry Burke Is Angry

Burke rants and raves for a good couple of minutes and while it's always good to watch him go off on one the true joy of this segment is, as ever, Awesome.

Hound you Burke? I wouldn't dream of it.

You know something Burke, you're sounding more and more like a man with a guilty conscience.

And the final thing he says before Burke storms out...

I'll be seeing you Burke.

Count the fucks he gives. Count 'em!

And with that we're back to Devil Child David and Maggie. I just realised that in the previous scene Maggie mentioned that this was the first time she and David had ever met. Which means she's not yet aware of his Devil Child tendencies. I wonder if I should be worried for her?

Ok, I'm not worried for her, but I'm starting to worry about her. She keeps rubbing Davids shoulders and talking about how lonely she is. She wants them to have a party together, and she's licking her lips. By the time she utters the line...

You can even put hot fudge on it

...I'm ready to scream HE'S NINE YOU FREAK.

Look, I know there was nothing sexual in this scene, and maybe I am exaggerating a little for effect, but I swear to God this actress was so used to sultry flirtation being her default setting with customers that she forgot to turn it off, because intentional or not there was seducing a'happenin.

Anyway, my weird preoccupations aside, we do learn in this scene that David had indeed been caught trying to get into Burkes room. Of course, he denies it, saying that the door was already open and he was just having a look, then trying to run out of the room when she presses him on it. Not sure that story will hold up, Devil Child old son.

Also, she keeps looking out the window for someone. And that someone, it turns out, is Roger, whose first words upon arrival are I've got other things to do than just drive around town all day after my Son because he's Father of the fucking year. Unfortunately, in the 5 seconds that it takes Maggie to go meet him at the door, David does a runner. Maggie is frantic, while Roger is just looking at his watch.

Maggie: I don't understand it, he just disappeared so quickly!

Roger: Spells and incantations Maggie. If he does rematerialise, do me a favour. Don't call me again.

Father of the year
There's some more guff about David, because they just don't know when to get out while they're hot, but then Maggie completely changes tack and goes into a round of twenty questions about Burke Devlin. Because no-one in this town can have a conversation that doesn't get around to him at some point. She wants to know what Roger knows about him, because ever since he came back to town her Dad; again, that's Sam the Riddler for those of you with short term memory defects: has been terrified.

Roger tries to play it cool but we all know how well that usually works for him and sure enough when Maggie casually mentions that Burke had been round her house to see Sam he goes into stresshead mode.

Oooooooooh shit!

He tries to find out what Burke and Sam talked about but all he manages to do with his heavyhanded questioning is make Maggie even more suspicious and then, because things never rain but they pour for poor old Roger, who should walk through the door but Burke of the motherfuntin' Chin, yo! Who of course wastes no time in sticking his oar in and winding Roger up.

Because that, Shadow Babies, is how Burke of the Chin rolls. And don't you forget it!

Burke is all, 'isn't it great Roger, Sam is gonna paint me,' and 'but Roger, why ever would you object to my stopping in on an old friend?' and basically just enjoying every second of making Roger squirm. Because I mean, you would, wouldn't you?

Squirm, Worm

Things can turn on an American coin of a value I'm unclear on in Collinsport though, and soon Roger is telling Burke that he's nothing but an ex con and he's gonna be back in prison before he knows it. Roger had balls, on occasion. Rare occasion, but still.

After Roger leaves, Burke invites Maggie to sit with him, and since she never seems to have more than one paying customer at a time she agrees and they have a nice natter about her Dad. Burke assures her that he is very fond of her Dad and and would never hurt him. The thing is, I think he's telling the truth. Unless the writer changes his mind later, all indications do seem to be that Burke is fixated on Roger and has no beef with Sam at all. If only Sam could see that! Silly Sam the Riddler!

A still of Maggie. Just because My God would you look at that face.

The thing is though, Maggie is so intent on finding out why her Dad would be afraid of Burke that she just keeps on pushing, and in the process seems to be putting the idea in Burkes head that Sam and Roger might be in cahoots. Can't you see what you're doing Maggie?!? He wasn't after your Dad before, but he will be soon if you don't stop talking! SHURRUP MAGGIE!

Meanwhile, back at Awesome's office, Roger has shown back up. Man just can't keep away! If I was Awesome I'd shoot him, but then I've always been one for violent outbursts, just ask my court appointed psych...I've said too much.

Anyway, Roger is once again demanding action from Awesome. Awesome is ready for him this time though. You see, that call from New York that he got earlier in the episode was to tell him that Burke had hired a PI to look into Roger. So what was he trying to find out? Eh Roger? What have you got to hide Roger? Tell us ROGER, TELL US!

Awesome aint no fool, yo.

Over at the cafe, Burke is having a cup of coffee. As you do in cafes. Well, I do, anyway. I've heard some people have tea, but tea is, as we all know, the devils urine, so I can't imagine that's true; it's obviously just an urban legend or something.

Anyway, Burke is having a cup of coffee. Maggie troops in long enough to talk about how she still hasn't found Devil Child David, just in case we'd forgotten that he'd disappeared from the restaurant earlier. Burke tells her not to worry and heads up to his room, she heads into the kitchen and... it's Devil Child David! Whoda thunk it? Turns out he's been hiding crouched down in the phone cubicle the whole time. You'd think his legs would be cramped to fuck but apparently not, because he's like a whippet making his escape while no-ones looking. Is he going home? Who knows? We'll find out in due course, I'm sure.

And that's the end of another episode. Copious quantities of Awesome saved it from being a slight letdown, but they can't all be a thrill a minute I suppose.

So, is Burke beginning to be suspicious of Sam after all? Will Devil Child David go home, or will he make another attempt at planting evidence on Burke? And when will someone finally fall for Maggies eternal seduction attempts? None of these questions, or any others for that matter, will be answered in the next exciting installment of Dark Shadows. Don't miss it, Shadow Babies!

Friday 13 December 2013

Strange Paradise Episode 8

Howdy.

Last time on Strange Paradise, Holly showed up at Day Glo Cafe to be told by Tarot Lady that her life was in danger, Reverend Ted McGinley set out to track her down, Doc Carr suddenly became massively freaked out for no reason whilst at the same time developing some sort of rapid onset sleep disorder and of course, because it wouldn't be Strange Paradise otherwise, Raxl went up and down the stairs A LOT.


What does episode 8 have in store for us? Only one way to find out.

We open on Jean-Paul watching the worlds fuzziest surveillance monitor, trained on his dead wife's cryo-chamber/coffin before starting to record himself on the worlds largest tape deck;

My Darling Erica, until the day comes when I can talk to you in person once again, I will record these tapes as our journal of events. Without you my darling the loneliness is unbearable, but my will to go on is strengthened only by the hope that some day you will be back in my arms again.

Your Sister, Allison, seems to doubt the practicality of the cryonic procedure, but I assure you...

This is the first time they've done this but I reckon they're setting these 'tapes' up as their version of Dark Shadows' Vicky W monologues; a crafty way to get the audience up to speed with the plot. Could be worse I suppose.

Anyway, he's interrupted at that point by Doc Carr, the aforementioned Sister, appearing on the monitor and starting to talk to the dead wife. Being a far more personable person than Jean-Paul, she chooses to do it face to coffin, rather than onto tape. She's nice like that.

Nice, but possibly not entirely sane, because she starts asking her for help to convince Jean-Paul that his cryo plans are pointless. Yes, ask the corpse to help prove that the corpse can't be revived, that's logical! Doc Carr is my favourite, I don't like this dumbing down of her character! Stop it! Jean-Paul, meanwhile, is not best chuffed that she's gone behind his back to talk to CryoWife.

Not Best Chuffed
After the titles play their spooky selves out in our eyeholes we get Jean-Paul casually stalking Doc Carr. I mean, walking into the room she's in. But totally stalking her too, you can just tell. He tries to be all casual and friendly like, but she's having none of it and starts going on at him about the dead Doctor (the guy he, or possibly Jacques) and Quinto cold murderised. He's all, 'But he fell, honest Guv!', and she's all, 'Buuuullshit, Motherfucker!' and she's looking at him like this...

Run dude!
and if I was him I'd be shitting  myself. Not Jean-Paul though, he cool. First he sticks to his story that the guy fell and then, without outright saying it, starts to imply that maybe he jumped; maybe he was guilty about CryoWife dying. Suddenly Doc Carr is all Medical Expert Character again and is saying the Doctor had nothing to feel guilty about and it wasn't his fault Erica, sorry, CryoWife didn't make it. That, apparently, was Gods will. Obviously. That's elementary 1st year med school stuff to be fair.

In the space of a few sentences Jean-Paul has made her stop accusing him of murder and completely changed the subject back to his wifes death and potential not-death, thanks to his cryo-fuckery plan. This is good for him on two fronts; firstly because it deflects suspicion and secondly because that cryobulllshit plan to save his wife is all he ever wants to talk about.

And then, just as suddenly as it happened last episode, she's gone from gutsy intelligent heroine mode to freaked out panicky mode for no apparent reason in the space of about 5seconds. I'd love to say that I think they're setting something up but I really, honestly just think this is a fucking terrible script. Sorry. The scene ends with a truly hilarious line of dialogue from Jean-Paul;

Oh now, surely you don't take that tale of Jacque Eloise DesMonde seriously...huge dramatic pause...Or Do You!?!

Ok, it loses something when I type it down but the way the actor reads that 'Or Do You?' and the forbidding 'dun dun durrr' music kicks in and the camera zooms in on her face... I soiled myself, it's so fantastically terrible.

When we come back from the act break it's to a huge close up of the painting of Jacques, so I'll just drop this here, cos it's been a while

It's Bill Compton, yo!
Then Doc Carr comments how alike he is to Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul talks about CryoWife being 'temporarily gone' and they bring up the possibility of his being possessed; so basically they just recap the story so far to kill a minute; and then we head on over to Cafe Le DayGlo where some funky young cats are getting jiggy with it.

Groooooovaaayy
We're here to see Dan Forrest, he of 'Doc Carr's Fuck Buddy' fame, who I had completely forgotten was even on this show. He's having a drink with Tarot Lady, because he can't leave on account of the wind having grounded his plane.

After a bit of idle (and torturous) banter, he asks her what she knows about Jacque Elois DesMonde. Her reply is to tell him to drink up and get ready for a trip. A trip where, you might ask; Dan certainly does; and he gets the reply I think we were all expecting;

Back. About 300 years.

I don't know why that answer sent him to his sad place
Ok, maybe we weren't expecting that answer.

Anyway, off they trot... to a table, where they sit down and start chatting about legal documents. What the fuck is this? Seriously, they made it out for all the world like they were about to introduce time travel, or at least some kind of vision quest bullshit, and now they're sitting around chatting about fucking signatures. Colour me pissed off, Strange Paradise Writer!

Tarot Lady tells Forrest that if he hangs around a while Quinto will be along and he can hitch a ride out to Jean-Paul's house

Forrest: I'm promised a 300 year trip and it turns out to be a half hour journey across the channel. Some Magic!

My thoughts exactly mate! We've been fucking robbed!

Over at the house, Doc Carr is back to interrogating Jean-Paul again; I guess her terrified phase has passed for another episode; and he's trying to convince her that all that supernatural bobbins that Raxl has been filling her head with is nonsense. Suddenly though, he looks like this

He's baaaaaaackk
and he's bounding around the room and laughing and pointing out all the ridiculousness in the very idea and pretty much just taking the piss out of Raxl; that 'idiotic old woman'; and Doc Carr's flip flopping; Oh really Allison, you must be consistent!; and just proving once again that Jacques (for tis he) is way more fun to watch than Jean-Paul.

Jacques sticks around long enough to hear Doc Carr rant about how he is like two different people, then fucks off again and leaves Jean-Paul to deal with her demands that she be allowed to take CryoWife to the mainland and give her a decent burial. Which I would have thought would have sent him into a rampage, but it just turns him into a stammering wreck

You see, I don't consider Erica to be dead, and because of that I suppose I have been wrong to deny her Gods protection. But you see, if I return her to him, then she is lost to me, forever.

There's a lot of weird religious stuff in this show, I'm not gonna lie. I don't know how well the Christianity, Voodoo, and CryoFuckery science is gonna mesh going forward.

It's at this point that the painting of Bill Compton starts talking to Jean-Paul again, which I'd forgotten it did, cos it's been a while. This prompts him to declare that he has a headache, and he trudges off upstairs; Raxl being absent so far this episode, someone had to do it; leaving Doc Carr looking confused.

Or possibly sleepy

I don't think Doc Carr is meant to have heard the voice of the painting, but they aren't making it clear. She doesn't react when it happens, but after Jean-Paul leaves she gives the painting a funny look and then stares off after him looking concerned, so... Who knows?

Back to Cafe Le DayGlo now where we get a two minute scene of Forrest and Tarot Lady debating whether he should get a plane home or go and see Jean-Paul. They're very thorough. In the end he decides to go home, and trusts Quinto (Quinto is there, I should have said, soz), to get his documents to Jean-Paul for a new signature. Once that's decided, Quinto wanders off and Tarot tells Forrest a tale about the time Jacques got voodoo'd for being a murdering devil.

A story she knows because her Dad was the priest who passed sentence. 300 years ago. She just casually drops that in there. As you do. Because apparently, right, her Dad is pretty old. NO SHIT! It's ok though, she's his youngest daughter. Just in case Forrest was getting worried about the age gap.

Ooh, now she's gonna read his cards! I wonder what this is gonna turn up... nothing much to be honest, she just turns over one card and tells him it's name, without explaining it's meaning in the slightest. He can read the name himself, woman! What a swizz!

Ah, now she's turning over the cards one by one and equating each one to a character on the show. I'd best make a note of these, in case it's important later. You know, foreshadowing and shit;

Dan Forrest: The Knight of Clubs
Doc Carr: The Ace of Cups

Oh, that's as many as we get, cos she gets interrupted by Quinto wandering back in and telling Forrest his bus to the airport has arrived, She does turn another card over and says it's herself, but she doesn't name it, so it could be anything. Bit of a damp squib, that whole thing, really. Went nowhere. Although I suppose it killed a minute. As does his dithering over whether he should go home after all. COME ON MAN! YOU DECIDED THIS, LITERALLY 5 MINUTES AGO! He finally relents when Tarot Lady promises to be his 'listening post' on matters concerning Jean-Paul and Doc Carr.

When he leaves Tarot Lady comes across all grim and mentions to Quinto that the card Forrest chose earlier, the one she didn't explain, the one I got all upset about...was the card of Jacques Elois DesMonde! That Devil!! She does her best to look concerned, but I'm not sure she pulls it off.

Is this ok? I can go again, if...? What do you mean no second takes??
Our spooky end title music is then played out over a long, lingering shot of the talking portrait of Bill Compton, just in case we'd forgotten who Jacques is. Cos it's not like they mention his name 978 times every bloody episode.

So, does the fact that all the characters apparently relate to a Tarot card mean some kind of bigger destiny is waiting to be played out? Has Doc Carr figured out that Jean-Paul is being tormented by a talking watercolour? And just where the hell has Raxl gotten to? Those stairs won't walk themselves you know!

Some of these questions, and perhaps many more although I wouldn't put money on it, will be answered in the next exciting episode of Strange Paradise. Don't miss it! Oh, and on this blog, I am God. Think on!

Tuesday 10 December 2013

Dark Shadows Episode 27

Shadow Babies! We're back! This makes two weeks in a row, which I'm pretty sure is some kind of record worthy of a pint of Guinness (that's how that works right?)

Anyway, when last we left the denizens of Collinsport, Constable Awesome was getting ready to search Burke of the Chin's hotel room; having failed to enjoy his lunch sandwich, which was sad; and Vicky W was trying to convince Lady of the Manor Elizabeth that Devil Child David was a sociopathic murderbaby but her one piece of solid evidence had disappeared. So let's dive right on and see where episode 27 takes us.

We begin, as is ever the way, with a lovely Vicky W monologue;

My name is Victoria Winters. The men who founded the Collins fortune were pioneers, and the great house on the crest of Widows Hill is a symbol of their strength, but it's different now, for the portraits that look down from the paneled walls see only the horror of unreasoning hatred

Not the cheeriest of openings I'll grant you. And I'd question her definition of unreasoning, because I can think of a few perfectly reasons to hate some of the people in that house. But moving on.

We open on Vicky W barging into the drawing room looking for Devil Child David. She obviously assumes that he's the one who took the evidence against him. It's the most logical conclusion, so it's a bit odd that they didn't take 3 episodes to come to it. He's nowhere to be found and on hearing the front door opening Vicky W rushes to see if it's him but no, we have a lucky escape because it's the always adorable Caroline, home from wherever she's been while shit was kicking off. And it's good to have her back, because she provides us with this delightful exchange;

Vicky W: Oh, Caroline, did you see David when you came in?

Caroline: If I had I'd have crossed to the other side of the road.

BURN! But it gets even better;

Caroline: Where's my Mother?

Vicky W: She's somewhere in the house, looking for him.

Caroline: You people don't know when you're well off. If that monster's gone into hiding you should be celebrating, not hunting for him.

I love you Caroline.

Vicky W tries to convince Caroline of the seriousness of the situation but she's having none of it, 'He's only one nine year old boy, the worlds full of them', but her attention is eventually grabbed when Vicky tells her David is an attempted murderer.

*GASP*
Yeah, that's right Caroline, he tried to kill your beloved Creepy Uncle Roger. The little shit!


Caroline finds it hard to believe that her psychotic devil cousin could be capable of murder, despite her earlier dissing of said psychotic devil cousin, and she and Vicky go over the evidence(plot of last episode) for a while and we get a nice little bit of sou. searching from Caroline about her guilt over being the one to bring Burke Devlin into the family home. It seems as much as she professes to believe him innocent, there's still at least part of her who thinks he could be guilty, and she feels complicit. I'm not gonna lie, I think the woman playing Caroline has become one of my favourite actresses on this show, all joking aside.

Anyway, we then cut to this

Classy place you got here
and I got all excited, cos I remembered a time many moons ago when Burke of the Chin told his shady associate to meet him in a hotel in Bangor. This is it! We're finally gonna find out what shady shit that noted proponent of Dastardliness is actually up to!

Also, what a shithole dive.

Burke's associate turns out to be the weediest looking dude you've ever seen, and he's all 'here Mr Devlin, let me take your coat, and fix you a drink, and shine your shoes, and suck your...'

He's a suck-up, is what I'm saying. He makes one helpful gesture too many though, and says he could have come to Burke instead of the other way around. Rubs Burke up the wrong way and no mistake, does that! Burke explains that Mr SuckUp is never to go near Burke in Collinsport and the day anyone in the Stoddard/Collins family connects the two of them, the little toadie can start looking for another job. Alright Burke, calm your tits old Son!

Probably wishing he'd never heard of Burke Devlin
We don't find out what Burke is planing after all, which has me crying into my shandy, but we do get some intriguing hints. After Burke says that he's moved up the timetable on his plans because the sheriff; he means Constable Awesome of course, silly Burke; has been nosing around since Roger's accident, his little toady is confused. Why are you worried about the sheriff, he asks, when we aren't doing anything illegal. Yeah Burke, why?!? Answer the man Burke, inquiring minds want to know!

Burke: When you're planning a surprise party, well it spoils all the fun if the guests of honour know all about it in advance.

Smug Burke. You've gotta love him.
Yeah Burke, cheers, that clears everything right up. NOT! FFS!

Back at the house and Vicky is leading Caroline into her bedroom. Wait, Vicky is leading Caroline into her bedro... you can all leave now, I think I need to be alone. Go on...oh, it turns out that Vicky just wants to show Caroline the dresser that David stole the evidence from. Whatever. I knew that. Vicky is confused because the dresser was locked and didn't seem to have been tampered with, but Caroline reassures her that it's fine, that just means ghosts must have gotten in. Because Caroline knows exactly how to make things better.

Eventually Caroline relents and says she's 'half joking' about the ghosts. Spoiler Alert for a 50 year old show, I know that Dark Shadows does go full on fantasy at some point, with vampires and werewolves and shit. That was, by all accounts a late addition,  but I wonder how much the producers were thinking along those lines in these early days. This isn't the first mention of ghosts that we've had; Devil Child David was going on about 'The Widows' telling him to do things way back at the start.

Anyway, Caroline explains that there's another way David could have gotten into the locked dresser and heads off to get something from her room. Its going to turn out that all the dressers in the house have the same key, isn't it? We don't find out just yet though because Vicky calls her back after hearing a noise from behind the door to the part of the house that is 'closed off' and that 'no-one ever goes into' and that we see David wandering in and out of every fucking week.

The door creaks open ever so slowly as the girls freak out slightly before from out of the shadows; the dark shadows, if you will; comes...

Only me!
Elizabeth makes some daft excuse about having to stop to pick up her keys to explain having taken so long to come through the door, because let's face it, she did it purely because the plot demanded a spooky moment. Then she goes into Vicky W's room, demanding that Vicky go with, so they can talk in private. Then we get an act break and when we return, and I swear to God I'm not making this up, Elizabeth is sitting on Vicky's bed and Vicky has on what I'm 99% positive is a different blouse.

They're just begging for the lesbian fanfic. And they don't need to beg, let me tell you. But anyway...

Anyhoo, after arguing about what may or may not cause a door to open and close by itself, the two ladies are joined once again by Caroline who does indeed open the dresser with a key from her room, because the keys are all the same. How mundane an explanation is that? I was so keen on it having been a ghost, too.

Whilst rooting around in Vicky's undercracker drawer, because who knows when she's next gonna get the chance, Caroline comes across the magazine that David gave to Vicky W as a gift several episodes ago. It just so happens to contain an article about removing just the very part that was removed from Rogers car. 'Strange gift, wouldn't you say?' says Elizabeth. DEVIL CHILD DAVID IS A FUCKING CRIMINAL GENIUS!

"I AM NOW SUSPICIOUS OF YOU, VICKY W!"
Over at Hotel le Bangor Burke is having a right old pop at Toadie, whose name I'm sure I'll remember at some point, because his research, which he thought he had a load more time to finish, isn't finished. Burke is a hard taskmaster, to be sure, but when you have a chin like Burke of the Chin has a chin, you  get used to people jumping to your every whim.

I'm just saying, it's a damned impressive chin.

After much discussion of what properties and businesses the Collins family owns, and which of them are mortgaged and therefore more susceptible to buyouts; giving I think the biggest hint so far as to Burkes plan, we get this piece of dialogue;

Burke: I'm gonna do a job on that family. I wanna hit them so hard they wish they'd never heard of me.

It's a subtle hint, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that that answers the question of whether he really does have a grudge against them once and for all. Or maybe I'm just reading things into his perfectly innocent words.

But what's this?!? There's a vital piece of information missing from the file that Toadie is adamant he had his secretary type up. Maybe, he figures, she just made a mistake and forgot to include it in the file, in which case she would have mailed it to Burke. And doesn't that just make the steam start to pour from Burke's ears. He can't be getting mail with Toadies letterhead on it! That would ruin everything! Toadie is fairly sanguine about the whole thing though; maybe no-one will notice, after all. But as Burke says...

In that town, everybody notices everything. And don't you forget it.

Burke knows the score, yo.

Back at the house, Elizabeth is on the phone to Roger, keeping him abreast of the situation with Devil Child David being missing. Hilariously, Roger seems completely indifferent and shows no inclination whatsoever to come home. Cos fuck that brat, is basically his life's philosophy.

Elizabeth doesn't tell Roger about Vicky's accusations though, because she 'needs to be sure.' Translation, she's trying to figure out the best way to clear David and frame Vicky's lovely lovely ass. Not on my watch, Betty!

And we're back with Burke and Toady; they're really going wild with the choppy scenes this episode. Burke gets a message that he hasn't received any mail today, so that's a weight off, but it comes with the news that Constable Awesome has only gone and bloody searched his room! The cheek of it. He's not a happy bunny, that's for sure.

Angry Burke! See him roar!


But wait, there's yet more to the message! It seems that on top of Constable Awesome, someone else had tried to get into Burke's room that day. Only this one didn't have a warrant and the clerk stopped him before he got in. Oh, and it was a little boy...

DEVIL CHILD DAVID WAS TRYING TO PLANT EVIDENCE ON BURKE OF THE CHIN! I can't decide whether I love this kid or hate him, but the little shit is shameless, I'll give him that.

And that's the end of the episode. Burke is off back to Collinsport to have it out with Constable Awesome and while an Awesome/Burke confrontation isn't Awesome/Roger it's the next best thing and I'm well excited. Also, how will Devil Child David talk his way out of this one? All will be revealed...(I'm getting proper into this now)

Thursday 5 December 2013

Strange Paradise Episode 7

On this blog, I am God! And now that we've gotten that sorted out, let's remind ourselves of what happened when last we ventured to that most strange of paradises.

Jean-Paul is beginning to regret breaking the voodoo curse, thus allowing his ancestor Jacque to re-enter the world; maid/faithful retainer/immortal voodoo priestess Raxl got spooked by a spot of rain; and Jacques (in the guise of Jean-Paul) tried it on with the milftastic Doc Carr.

Meanwhile, in ye olde flashback land, we saw that Jacques was just as amorous the first time he was alive, and that he was definitely copping off with his wife's sister. The randy bugger.

Oh, and there is apparently a buried treasure somewhere on the island.

Now, let us delve into the next exciting installment of...Strange Paradise. Namely, episode 7.

We open, because of course we do, on a long lingering shot of Raxl walking around the set really slowly. This is Strange Paradise 101, and boy do they milk it here. She puts some orange juice on the breakfast table then has a look out of the window at the weather and, just as you think the excitement is going to be too much to bear, she is joined by Doc Carr who...ah, she looks out the window at the weather. Now, we get it, there's a lot of wind; and if the dialogue didn't clue us in the atrocious sound effects surely would have; but I'm pretty sure a centuries old voodoo priestess and a woman who just found out her sisters corpse is being cryogenically stored in the basement could find more exciting topics of conversation.

And so they do! Doc Carr mentions her plans to have breakfast with her late sisters Doctor and instead of saying 'Oh, you can't, he's dead. Your brother in law went out with my fuck buddy last night and they came back with the Doctors dead body. They reckon it was an accident but... it's rotting downstairs if you want a look' Raxl goes off on one about the island being well named (The Garden Of Evil) and how the Doctor has left...this world!!! Granted, the information is in there, but she needs to work on her succinctness.

Dude is dead yo! Check it!
After the titles roll the two of them have a very long winded conversation about how the Doctor died and whether it's possible that the spirit of a man 300 years could have possessed a dude and killed someone. Doc Carr is, somewhat surprisingly, not entirely convinced by Raxl's claims of having damned Jacques to Hell a couple of centuries ago. Until, bizarrely, she is convinced;

Your fears are infecting me too! I've gotta get away from here! So should all of us!

I say bizarrely, because there is nothing to account for the change. Raxl rants for a bit, Carr scoffs, Raxl  repeats basically the same rant again and Carr is all 'GET ME OUT OF HEREEEEEE!!!' Very odd. Anyway, Raxl ends the scene by running upstairs screaming about how Carr doesn't understand the Devil because she never knew him and Doc Carr ends the scene by hysterically yelling to an empty room that she has to escape the evil island and return to a place of reason. I genuinely think they forget to film like 5 scenes here.

Over at dayglo cafe a woman I think we may have seen before is reading Tarot cards and then artist dude from a few episodes ago; you know, the one I said was a conman in league with the mafia; sits down and they have a nice chat about how the mafia are out to get him and he needs that commission Doc Carr promised to get him from Jean-Paul. So, I guess that means his story was real and he isn't a conman and I don't know what I'm fucking talking about. Ah well.

You gon die Son. Die bad.
Their entire conversation, by the way, is in the form of one long tortured metaphor about the wind, because some supervillain and/or shady government agency has apparently brainwashed everyone to only be able to talk about the weather this episode.

Back at the house, Raxl is downstairs again. I'm pretty sure she only came down so she could sweep back up them after delivering a line about being captives of an evil force. Because that is exactly what she does after Doc Carr mentions, somewhat hysterically, that she feels like a prisoner.

Look at her go
Quick cut back to the bar where tarot car lady bemoaning the fact that there's an evil force in the air and it's her job to do something about it. Righto sweetheart, delusions of grandeur much? We all know Doc Carr is gonna save the day!

Next up it's...some hippy lass I've never seen before, in a room with bunk beds. God knows what this is gonna turn out to be.

There's a knock at the door and after hastily hiding her ashtray under the bed she opens the door to reveal...Reverand Ted McGinley! From way back in episode 3! I've missed Reverand Ted. And it turns out Reverand Ted is missing young Holly, the teenager he may or may not have a massive crush on. This new hippy chick is apparently her room-mate.

Sassy hippy is sassy
But hold on, wasn't Holly meant to be confined to some sort of mental institution? This looks more like a college dorm or something.

Anyway, hippy chick and Reverand Ted have a back and forth about where Holly might be and whether or not he totally wants to have wild sex with her on his pulpit, before hippy chick lets slip that Holly has 'flown South, like the birdies.' Off you go Reverand Ted, go catch your little birdie.

But what's this? Here's Holly wandering around day glo cafe, looking all winsome and confused, hugging her luggage as sad music plays. This is Emmy calibre stuff, people.

Won't someone buy a lonesome lady a drink?
She tries to buy a drink but is stopped because she's underage, which somehow leads to Tarot lady pronouncing that she's under the threat of death. Because DayGlo Cafe is nothing without it's friendly welcome. Incidentally, am I the only one who finds it really off putting when 'underage' drinkers are spotted on sight in TV shows, despite the people playing them blatantly being about 30? Just a thought, moving on.

We're back at the house now, and Doc Carr is looking out the window being frightened by the rain again, because she's 6years old this week, before Raxl, who is downstairs again; oh please let her run upstairs at the end of the scene; declares that she can't find Jean-Paul anywhere! This is unheard of, a grown man being out of the house in the middle of the day, what the hell is he playing at? This exchange happens;

Doc Carr: Do you think something's happened to him?

Raxl: After the curse on this house I would not be surprised!

AND THEN SHE RUNS UPSTAIRS, I SHIT THEE NOT, I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Back at DayGlo Cafe, Holly is being given the 3rd degree by Artist Dude and Tarot Lady. Artist Dude and Holly are sceptical of Tarot Lady until she asks Holly what she's running from, and who the man is that's running after her. Then Holly looks like this

Probably wondering why everyone thinks she's underage
and we cut to Reverand Ted, because of course we cut to Reverand Ted after that question. He's on the telephone, calling in favours with the local police to track Holly down, because what self respecting stalker wouldn't use every resource at their disposal? As he's leaving to act on information received though, he's stopped by Holly's mother, noted harridan and possible sociopath. She's quick to figure out that he's going after her daughter and she isn't best pleased.

Lady all set to cut a bitch up in here
She asks how a man of God could follow a young girl; because she knows exactly what his motives are, the dirty dog; and his reply,

God is everywhere, and he will be everywhere that I am

accompanied by this expression

Smug creeper? Moi?
doesn't make him seem like a fucking nutjob at all. Oh no, nothing of the sort.

There's a bit more kerfuffle about what's best for Holly and whether he should be ashamed of himself, before she shows her true supervillain tendencies with the line

I'll fix you Reverand, and I'll fix Holly too. I have enough influence to get what I want and neither you or my Daughter can stand in the way of it.

She storms off, he picks up his suitcase and trudges off camera and I'm all but convinced that we must be heading into the closing credits because the clock is running low and the music is swelling but no, we're heading back to the house, and Raxl, who is heading downstairs...really slowly...reaaaaalllly slowly...to find Doc Carr in an armchair, asleep.

She wakes Doc Car up, and the good lady Doctor declares that she doesn't have the strength to face up to what's happening and then Raxl watches, possibly fuming at her signature move being usurped as Doc Carr trudges up the stairs with her head drooped and her arms limp at her side, like a 4 year old pretending to be tired. All the way up the stairs. Every step. They filmed the entire ascent. I know because they don't fucking cut away from it once. It takes foreveeeeeerrrrrr.

And then the show ends.

Ok, seriously, I have no idea why Doc Carr is so freaked out, or why she apparently now has some weird fatigue thing going on. It's come completely out of nowhere and I'm not joking in the slightest when I say I think they forgot to film those bridging scenes I mentioned. It is just an utterly bizarre jump in the plot.

It's been a pretty disjointed episode all round really. Lots more locations than we usually get, a whole 4, maybe accounts for that; too much editing confused them in the 60's. Hopefully we'll see a little more cohesion in the next episode. Can't wait. Until then, on this blog, I am God!