Dark Shadows Episode 18

We're back. The phony war is over and shit is about to get real in the bitter rivalry between Burke of the Chin and Creepy Uncle Roger. Or is it? Roger thinks Burke tried to kill him; when really it was his own son, Devil Child David; whereas Burke, regardless of what his motives are in the long term, is at the moment too busy trying to mend Floozy Caroline's love life to be up to anything nefarious.

Personally, I'm hoping for at least one axe murder, and possibly an RPG attack. Let's see. (Watch the ep here if you like)

We begin, as ever, with the delectable Vicky W, telling it like it is;

My name is Victoria Winters. My past is still a mystery to me, but my future is bound to the great house on Widow's Hill; to a boy whose eyes brim with fear and torment; to the strange sounds and lonely echoes of a small room, filled with the memory of long dead years.

That's it. They're definitely getting weaker, these intros. Time was, they were the highlight of the episode! Get your shit together, Dark Shadows Writer Man! Anyway, to the ep!

Roger wants to talk to Vicky W about Burke, so he bangs her. No, hang on, Roger wants to talk to Vicky W about Burke so he bangs her out of bed and insists that she come downstairs, despite it being the early hours of the morning and she's wearing (very cute) pyjamas.

That's the teaser. He bangs on her door and insists she comes downstairs. Then he walks away. I'm all a-quiver with excitement I can tell you. Onwards!

FFS, Devil Child David is still just hanging around in the foyer, running and hiding in the Dark Shadows (eh? eh?) every time someone comes through. Go to fucking bed you little pillock!

Wheeeerrrres David?

Except, once his Dad is in the drawing room he goes in to talk to him. So why bother hiding when you saw him coming? Eh? Numpty. This is a rather wonderful scene, because it allows for Roger to once more not give a shit and say whatever cruel thing comes into his head to his son. Then make the most halfhearted apology ever. I love that Roger is so blatant about hating his sons guts. It's refreshing.

David does make a bit of an effort to get through to his Dad, because as much as it pains me to admit it; he's much more effective as an evil genius; he does seem to be genuinely sorry for what he did. Roger is having none of it though and pretty soon David is screaming about wanting Roger to be dead and Roger is just begging him to fuck off to bed and leave him alone. Ah, warms the heart to see such affection.

While all this is going on, Vicky W is upstairs making herself pretty (er) for her meeting with Roger. Of course, she's soon interrupted by our favourite Devil Child, who has gone upstairs, but not to bed. He wants to talk to her... I wonder what that's about eh?

Oh, it's not what I thought. Here's me thinking he wants to make some threats, because he thinks she's about to drop him in it, but no, he just wants to whine and moan for a bit. She's being as dense as everyone else though, and is refusing to realise that he's blatantly feeling guilty for trying to murder his Dad. Wake up people! Geez!

Dressing Gowns Ago-Go

Roger is getting a bit impatient downstairs; we know, because we get a cutaway to him looking at his watch and pacing around a bit; but that won't stop David from wasting airtime with his whining. He does finally get to the meat of his problem; he thinks he might be sent to prison, and when Vicky W makes a comment about the person responsible deserving jailtime, he flips out and tells her that she's just like his Dad and all she can think about is sending him away. And STILL she doesn't click. Then he runs off to his room.

Cut to downstairs, where Roger is announcing;

I'm afraid my Sons emotional state doesn't concern me at the moment.

Of course it doesn't Roger. Why would it? That's just crazy talk.

I know that may sound callous to you...

Is this an apology brewing?

...but what does concern me is [rant about his car]

That's a no then. Never change, Roger. Never change.

What follows is basically five minutes of Roger and Vicky going round in circles about whether or not Burke of the Chin tried to kill him, and saying things the audience already knows. Cos no-one writes filler like the Dark Shadows writer writes filler.

One thing though...Vicky again says she was in the garage to get some timetables. What the fuck are these timetables? They were in the glove compartment, apparently. Is this a 60's thing? Roger doesn't query it, it seems perfectly natural to him that she's looking for timetables in his glove compartment. Timetables for what? It's a nonsense, I tell you.

After they've chatted for a bit we get a nice jolly little scene of David in his room, re-enacting his Dads crash with a toy car and then crushing said car with his foot.

Grrr! Devil Child Smash!

As you do.

And then (sigh) we're back to Vicky and Roger chatting old shit. Seriously, we know all this! Get a fucking move on! Oh, wait, plot momentum!

Roger is going to the hotel to confront Burke of the Chin, and he's insisting that Vicky W get dressed and go with him. She, understandably, thinks he'd be better off calling the police. He's Roger 'No Shits Given' Collins though, and he wants to force a confession out of Burke himself, before handing him over to the law. She eventually relents, and heads upstairs to put on a foxy outfit. I assume. Yeah, it's bound to be foxy.

Jump forward a little while and David, thinking that Vicky is still downstairs, is trying to sneak into her room. But of course she's in there getting dressed. Busted, you little fucker! She chases him to his room where she interrogates him. When she asks him whether they're friends he looks like this

Fuck yo friendship, biatch!

but you can bet she doesn't take the hint.

A bit more waffle and then, thank heavens, Roger arrives to shut it down. He's ready to go and he's not best pleased that David is slowing Vicky down. Well, you wouldn't be, would you?

Vicky: He's very upset!

Roger: He'll be more upset if he's not asleep in ten minutes.

Translation, I'm gonna smack him one if he doesn't shut up and get to bed. Parent of the year, our Roger.

Roger stalks off and Vicky sticks around just long enough for David to tell her how much he hates his Dad, because he hasn't said it in at least 10 minutes, then she leaves too.

As Roger and Vicky leave the house though, we get a slow zoom in to a drawing Roger has left on the hall table; a drawing of the component that's missing from his car. Then we cut to David in his room and, oh my God, his little trinket that he keeps getting out and showing to the camera is that very same component! Who would have thoug... oh, that's right, we all already knew he'd done it. A bit of spooky music does not a twist make. Must try harder, Mr Writer.

So that's episode 18. Only 3 characters to be seen in this one, and not a one of them was firing any RPG's. Very disappointing, I must say. Still, we got to see Vicky W in her pyjamas, so it wasn't a totally wasted half hour.

Join me next time (Pretty please) where, with a bit of luck, Burke of the Chin is gonna laugh in Rogers face then lamp him one. Plus; and I know it's cheating, but it was an accident; I've seen the youtube thumbnail for the next ep and it's of Sam the Riddler, so there should be some quality drunken ramblings to be had too.

Dark Shadows Episode 17

Dark Shadows, bitches! Yeah! (You can watch along here)

In episode 16 we saw Elizabeth decide that Burke was responsible for Rogers car crash, and a stone cold thirst for revenge began to gnaw at her heart. Also, she forgot Mathews name again. Oh Elizabeth!

That's essentially it. There was a lot of waffle between Burke, Caroline and Joe, with Joe storming off in a huff and the other two rushing after him but I'll be honest; that whole strand, with the exception of Burke being as cool as, in his no fucks giving attitude, left me cold and didn't really advance the plot all that much.  Hopefully we'll see some more forward momentum this episode. Or at least some animal sex between Burke and Caroline. At least one of them is well up for it.

So, without further ado, let's see what words Victoria will depress us with in her introduction this week:

My name is Victoria Winters. There is no sound in Collinwood. There is only the strangeness of the people around me; the strangeness of the woman who has brought me here; a woman who has not left her house in 18 years; the strangeness of a small boy, and the merciless devils that torment him...

Short one this week, and a bit lacklustre in the old portentousness stakes, don't you think? Must have written it at half four on a Friday. (Also, 'hasn't left her house in 18 years' probably means she's going out tonight. You wait and see.)

Anyway, the talk of the small boy, and his merciless devils, plays over footage of Devil Child David, thrashing about in his bed in the throes of some weird nightmare, in which he claims he not have done something. I don't know what he's denying, but if it's trying to kill his Dad he's a fucking liar! I think.

A bit of a sleepwalk later and he's trying to throw himself out of his bedroom window; so an episode with a bit of action from the outset, which is a shocker, I can tell you.

Jump, you little shit.

He doesn't manage it though, because Elizabeth comes in and stops him. Probably have done everyone a favour if she'd just let him jump. And lo, he tells her that he 'didn't mean to kill him!' So that's a confession then. To the prison!

Or rather, to the Doctors office, where Bill Malloy; remember him? He was in episode 9, 27 years ago; is waiting to pick up Roger, who is apparently well enough to go home 2 hours after his major car smash.  He asks the Doc to keep Roger busy for a while so he can go and check out the 'wreckage'; it nudged a tree for fucks sake! The Doc agrees, and off Bill goes. See you in eight episodes Bill.

Roger starts stressing at the Doc about not wanting to be treated like an invalid; although you'd think someone who drinks as much as he does would be used to not being able to look after himself; but the Doc is having none of it and soon has hi bandaged up and popping pills. As Doctors are wont to do.

Conversation turns to the accident, because the Doc is a nosy fucker, and as Roger describes it there is a wonderful 'shit, I fluffed my line! Not to worry, I can save it' moment;

ROGER: I tried to keep it on the road, but I couldn't make it when I got to that big curve about 100 miles...ha, 100 miles? Seemed like 100 miles...100 feet from the edge.

Take heed Elizabeth, that's how you cover a fluff, love.

Anyway, onwards! The Doc starts dropping hints that this accident had shades of the incident 10 years ago, when the guy died and Roger and Burke were involved and Burke went to prison. So now we know it was some kind of road accident. Is that whole thing going to be as simple as a hit and run? Anti-climax or what?

Will we see more of the Doc? I hope so.

Back to the house and Devil Child David is back abed, but he's about to be woken by a window blowing in the wind. In comes Elizabeth and after a bit of chat we start to get the feeling that she hasn't taken his earlier comments as an admission of guilt. In fact, she hasn't made the connection, at all, between him screaming 'I DID IT' and 'I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL HIM' in his sleep, and the fact that his Dad's car, whom he hates, has just been tampered with. Yeah.

I think we have our dunce of the week winner. (I haven't done dunce of the week before, and probably won't again. Let's pretend it's a thing though, yeah? Cheers)

After a bit more waffle about how he's scared and he can't sleep and wah wah wah, she lets him go back downstairs. I've got his number, there's totally a horror film on the telly he wants to watch and he's playing her like a Casio. We don't see what the horror film is though, because it's back to the Docs office, and Bill is back to pick up Roger.

I'm starting to love the Doc, I'm not gonna lie, because he's still cracking jokes about the guy who died 10 years back, and about Burke Devlin. He's just like, 'stop fucking trying to keep it a secret, we all know what happened for Gods sake' and Roger and Bill are all

Do you think he knows? I think he knows!

Anyway, after escaping his inner office they settle down in his waiting room; because it's the law that this show can only use 3 sets per episode; so that Bill can give Roger a bit of training in how cars work. Hilariously; shut up, I laughed; he's drawn diagrams and everything.

Once Roger gets it into his head how hydraulics work he goes off on one; utterly convinced that Burke of the Chin has tried to kill him he's off round there to force a confession out of him. With one arm in a sling, he's going to coerce the ex con with a violent temper into confessing to attempted murder. Sure you are Roger, sure you are. Luckily for him, Bill has more sense, and manages to calm him down. Slightly.

Back up at the house David is getting a history lesson about his ancestors; so I guess Elizabeth saw through his cunning plan to watch late night telly; while he waits for his Dad to get home. Such things hold little interest for a Devil Child though, so he soon turns the conversation to his favourite subject; hate. Did Elizabeth hate her Father? Did she cry when he died? Did she dance on his grave in the nude and pee on his headstone?

Elizabeth does her best to answer his somewhat morbid questions but she's fighting a losing battle, Eventually Roger arrives back though, and David announces that he doesn't want to see him; see, I told you he was only pretending to be concerned so he didn't have to stay in bed; and rushes out of the room. Stroppy little shit.

It seems Elizabeth doesn't want to see Roger either, because David doesn't shut the drawing room doors behind him when he runs off, but they're shut by the time Roger comes in the front door into the foyer.

What? It's a continuity error? The doors needed to be shut so Elizabeth didn't hear Roger and Bill discussing keeping secrets from her, so they just hoped you wouldn't notice? I can't believe they'd do that. Would they? (Yes, they would)

Anyway, the doors fly open and Elizabeth catches them mid-conspiratorial whisper, at which point Roger covers by announcing that he needs a stiff drink, because it's been at least an hour since his  last one and he's starting to get the shakes. Bill agrees and into the drawing room they all traipse.

Once the doors are shut once more, who should emerge from the shadows but Devil Child David. He still hasn't gone back to bed; a case for Supernanny, if ever I saw one; and now he's going to eavesdrop on his elders, as they get drunk and Roger pimps his sister to Bill in a wild orgy of intoxicated sexuality. Or they sit around chatting shit for nine hours. One of the two.

As it turns out, lying to Elizabeth doesn't last very long, and soon the conversation is all about how Burke tried to kill him and how he's going to get some revenge. From the tone of his performance, I think Roger is meant to be drunk, but since he's just sat down and is still on his first drink I'm not really sure. He's certainly being a bit loud and boisterous.

This goes on for a good few minutes, with people coming and going from the room at various intervals; never once bumping into an eavesdropping Devil Child behind the door, who seems to have disappeared into thin air; and Roger talking to a painting at one point; before the episode ends with Bill leaving and Roger heading upstairs to interrogate Vicky W, who has once again spent the entire episode in her room. Probably masturbating to a photograph of Caroline, if I'm any judge.

But wait! Just when you think it's over... Devil Child David emerges from the shadows once more. He's heard everything, and now he's going to stare into the camera like the lunatic he is until you turn off the episode in abject terror.

Fear Me!

So there you have it. Roger is fine, the writer has remembered that Bill exists, David is a freaky little shit and Elizabeth still hasn't left the house, so that shows what I know. Oh, and Roger is on the warpath. Will the Collins/Devlin feud kick into high gear now? Only time will tell, although 'high gear' is relative, and with this show would mean a pace slightly slower than your average Heartbeat episode.

Join me next time (pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee) to find out.

Dark Shadows Episode 16

Last time on Dark Shadows Roger had a car crash that was, at best, 15% as exciting as I had built it up to be in my head, during the  interminable hours of build-up. Minor scrape or no, I shouldn't think it'll make him any more predisposed to like his Devil Child, since he is the most likely suspect for the sabotage of the car.

Given this shows previous form though, we'll not find out today, because the whole shebang will almost certainly be ignored in favour of a soliloquy from Sam 'The Riddler' Evans.

Let's find out, shall we? But first, a word from our sponsor...

My name is Victoria Winters. The dark voices of fear are part of the strange world on top of Widows Hill. Here in the great house that is now my home, I have listened to their murmurs and trembled at their approach. And now tragedy has almost come, and the hidden echoes of the past are moving closer, and closer. 

Foreboding shit, right? To hear her tell it, this show is spooktastic awesomeness, rather than the stodgy and repetitive insomnia cure that it actually is. Anyway, to the episode! (Which, as ever, can be seen here)

We begin with Vicky W having a wander round the drawing room to kill a bit of airtime, as they are wont to do on this show, before answering the phone to someone who makes her very happy. It transpires that she is to tell Lady of the Manor Elizabeth, again, that Roger is going to be fine. Again? They already knew? How much time has passed since the last episode ended? They didn't frigging well know anything of the sort then!

Vicky W and Elizabeth have a nice relaxing chat about how they know the cars brakes failed and it probably wasn't an accident. Will they figure out that Devil Child David was to blame? Nah, Elizabeth is convinced Burke of the Chin did it; in a not at all predictable twist.

Down at the Blue Whale pub, Burke of the Chin is still muscling in on Main Squeeze Joes date with Floozy Caroline; which unless they slept on the floor then carried on drinking means my question is answered and hardly any time has passed at all. Could this be a continuity cock-up? Surely not from this well oiled team of professionals!

Caroline is, for her part, proving very susceptible to Burke's patter. In fact, between lezzing it up with Vicky W, and her incredibly disquieting level of affection for her Uncle, it seems the only person Caroline won't fall head over heels in love with just from being in the same room as them is Main Squeeze Joe. Poor Main Squeeze Joe. :(

Gosh Burke of the Chin, you are fascinating!

I can't seem to fathom Burke's motivations here. One second he seems to be attempting  to charm his way into Carolines smalls, and the next he's telling her what a great catch Joe is. Either he has some incredibly evil and calculated piece of emotional manipulation on the go, or the writing is all over the place. You decide.

Back up at the house Elizabeth is phoning to have MauriceJohnMathew come up to the house for some important errand; she probably wants him to put a log on the fire or something. In comes Vicky W for a spot of tea and a lecture about how the whole place is a stagnant old dump that stinks of death and bringing David to live there was a terrible idea. She's a cheery old soul, is Elizabeth. Vicky W being Vicky W, and therefore incapable of seeing what's right in front of her face, tells Elizabeth to calm her tits, there's nothing wrong and everything will be fine. The deluded fool!

Mathew arrives and is given the 3rd degree by Elizabeth but manages to convince her that as much as he hates her Brother he didn't try to kill him, which is fair enough, although he does make her even more convinced that it probably Burke of the Chin, which isn't. Poor Burke, everyone is against him :(

Look at those cold, dead eyes. Would you wanna be Burke?

Except Caroline, who is still busy trying to get him to take her home and ravish her. I'm not joking either; she's making constant reference to how guys should take what they want even if it means dragging a girl, kicking and screaming, by the hair. Those are her exact words. She wants a man who will drag her by the hair into his bed. Never was it more apparent that this show was written in a different time. And that Caroline has a lot of leather in her closet.

I want to like Caroline, I really do, because she's adorable when she's not being horrible to equally adorable Joe. I'm not saying she shouldn't be allowed to see whoever she wants, and if a bit of rough sex is her thing, then who am I to judge? But for God's sake put poor Joe out of his misery first!! (It's ok though, because don't forget the impending Joe and Vicky W dalliance. I'm always right about these things)

We get a bit of an argument next; Joe threatens to punch Burke, Caroline threatens to go back to Burkes hotel room, and Burke threatens to break his face with his grin of no fucks giving. I like Burke. This week, anyway. So Joe flounces off when Caroline says she will go to the movies with him, then  invites Burke to come with, so Burke shuffles Caroline out so they can chase after him. None of them know anything about Roger yet. In case you were wondering. I mean, you probably weren't, because Carolines floozy ways are much more interesting, but I just thought I'd remind you in a subtle; one might almost say subliminal; manner, because...

We're back at the house and the phone is ringing. Again. Who will answer it this time, and will they crawl out of the cupboard under the stairs to do it? Let's see...

It's Elizabeth! And yes, she did! Unbelievable! (To be fair, I think they've realised that the geography of the house makes no sense and they've just bitten the bullet and said that this door, which leads under the stairs is connected to the kitchen/ back door area.)

The phone call is a reporter, but she wastes no time telling him to 'sling your hook, you slaaaaag' and then it's council of war time with Vicky W and MitchellMarkMathew, who is back from having visited the scene of the crash. In the time it took the last scene to play out. I say again, this episode is ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.

We're all agreed then? Arthur can watch, but that's all.

Everyone is in agreement that they should say nothing to the press; which is lucky, because you always want to be on Mathews side of any argument. That dude will cut a bitch soon as look at 'em.

Things do get slightly heated before an accord is met, and at one point I'm pretty sure Elizabeth calls Mathew Arthur, which is brilliant if true but I can't swear to it because she went into slightly drunk slurred speech mode in the middle there for a bit. Then, and I shit you not, he goes to get another log for the fire. Ha! I told you I was always right about these things. I could write this shit, I swear.

Hang on, the phone's ringing again...

It's just another reporter, who is fucked off in no time at all. So that was pointless. Wait, Elizabeth has finally remembered that she has a Daughter, who given her strange but nevertheless potent incestuous sexual fantasies about Roger will probably want to know about his accident. Well done Lizzy, it's only taken you all episode.

Oh no! She wants to get in touch with Caroline which means Vicky has to come clean about her going to the Pub in the hopes of meeting Burke, instead of the movie she was supposed to go to. Lizzy isn't happy with that! Bad Vicky W! Why didn't you say something sooner!!

'I'm sure things aren't that bad.' 'Oh shut up, you deluded numpty!'

Once the vicious physical beatdown that is Vicky W's punishment is over; don't look for it in the youtube version of the ep, I have an uncut version, sorry; we get a moving speech from Elizabeth about wanting to protect Caroline. Awww. She fluffs the big final line though, which rather undercuts the whole thing. But it made me laugh, which is the main thing.

Tag scene time and...Elizabeth is on the phone. Again. She's perturbed by whatever it is she's hearing. Either that or she's constipated. Let's find out...

Ah, she's being told how Caroline left the bar with Burke. So nothing new for the audience then. Typical.

And that's the end of the show really, except... we then watch Elizabeth walk out of the drawing room, across the lobby, and up the stairs. In slow motion. While the clock strikes twelve. And then the credits.

I'm confused.

So there you have it. Another episode of Dark Shadows. No sex, no violence,  no noteworthy events. But some seriously groovy background dancing in the pub scenes.

Join me next time when something will happen. I promise*

*Not legally binding.

Dark Shadows Episode 15

In the last thrilling installment of Dark Shadows, Devil Child David had a rummage in Vickys knicker drawer, before dropping some heavy hints that he may be planning to murder his dad; Caroline and Joe had their date gatecrashed Burke Devlin; and Vicky was menaced by a door that opens and closes by itself.

I was crapping myself, I can tell you.

Without further ado, let's head on down to Collinsport, to see what fresh thrills and spills the residents are getting mixed up in today. (You can watch the episode here if you like) I predict a fiery death plunge. But then, I always predict a fiery death plunge...

My name is Victoria Winters. The dark threads of the past are tying me to the great house on top of Widows Hill. My search seems as endless as the corridors of Collinwood, yet I have accomplished something, I think; I have made friends with one small, and terribly troubled boy.

Oh Vicky, you poor sweet child, he's playing you for a melon!

Anyway, we begin with David sitting in the dark like the Devil Child that he is when in comes Roger who, observant as always, fails miserably to see him for 5 minutes as he scouts around looking for something. After finally spotting his son, and getting exasperated at the lack of a sensible answer to the question 'why are you sitting in the dark you absolute lunatic?' he asks David has seen his car keys.

The car keys to the car that someone, someone not so very far away from him right this second, has almost certainly sabotaged. Will David come clean and beg his father not to use the car?

Not quite. He does announce that Roger won't find his keys because he won't let him, but then he stalks out of the room, runs up the stairs and adopts a creepy pose. As you do.

I'm the King of this castle, Bitches!

Then the dirge kicks in, we see the title, and we're back. David is gone, and Vicky W is rushing down the stairs. Incidentally, the storm that has been blowing outside for 3 episodes is now back, despite not being evident in the previous scene. Cock-Up! F*ck*ng Amateurs! Etc!

There follows a weird conversation that seems designed to rehabilitate Roger slightly, as if they'd decided he was coming across slightly too creepy, before he berates Vicky for trying to befriend David, on the grounds that David 'has no friendship in him to give, to you or any of us'. Roger genuinely believes his Son is a fucking sociopath, and has no qualms about telling you; it's brilliant. 'Give him enough time...he'll destroy you.'  I actually think Rogers becoming my favourite character.

There's a strange moment here when Roger asks for his keys and Vicky says she thinks they're actually in his car, explaining her presence in the garage by saying she was 'looking for some timetables'.  Er... What? Timetables? I rewound and listened to that line 3 times; she definitely says timetables. So, er... moving on.

Roger goes upstairs but promises to check in with Elizabeth before leaving the house; which probably means he's not actually going to get out the door this episode; then Vicky brings up having seen Burke hovering around the car. Quite why she tells Elizabeth and not Roger is a mystery, but then, Vicky has form for being a bit dense.

Elizabeth looks a bit pensive, but will do nothing. It's the family way.

Once Vicky leaves the game of musical characters continues as Roger returns, so his sole purpose for leaving seems to have been to not be in the room when the car was discussed. He and Elizabeth argue a bit more about whether Burke can be trusted and whether Roger should go to meet him. You know, the same argument they had last time they shared a scene.

Forget about those two though, because we're heading upstairs to Vickys bedroom where she's talking to David. Now, call me a reactionary but I can't help feeling that this child is spending rather more time than is healthy in his governesses bedroom; especially since he spent half of the last episode going through her knicker drawer. Just a thought.

This is another conversation that goes over a lot of old ground which I'll not go over again because, frankly, I can't be bothered to type the dross out, but it ends on the immortal line:

I hate him! And I Hope! He! Dies!

All right, calm down Son.

That's an ad break, and when we're back it's on him, in bed. There's a knock at the door and in comes...Vicky W. FFS! So it's basically the same scene continuing, with a change in set to trick us. Well I'm not falling for it, do you hear?!?

She tries to convince him that he shouldn't hate his father and that his father doesn't hate him, which shows what she knows, before launching into a story about 'a girl' who grew up in the foundling home with her; yeah right Vicky, like we don't all know you're talking about YOURSELF; who chased away everyone who tried to be her friend because she was convinced they'd all start to hate her anyway. It's a moving little tale, and at the end of it all he weeps on her shoulder and begs her to be his friend.

That smug smile means she thinks she's won him over. Ha, think again,  you sultry vixen you. Er, carry on.

No, wait, he tells her that that little girl should have lined up all the other kids and shot them. He literally says that, and even acts it out with a toy gun. This kid is FUCKED UP.

Maybe not totally fucked up though, because when we go downstairs to Elizabeth and Roger to hear the tail end of their conversation; in which Roger casually mentions her ghosts talking to her, so it definitely seems like this lot are all perfectly convinced that this house is haunted; and then follow Roger outside, there's David, who makes a feeble but seemingly genuine effort to convince his Dad not to take the car out. Is he having second thoughts about his impending Patricide? Would certainly seem so, but it does no good because Roger is all 'Get out of my way nutjob, I'm in a hurry.'

So he leaves, and David hugs the banister rail looking all upset. I think. It's hard to tell with this kid.

Vicky and Elizabeth have a little natter next, after Vicky comes into the lounge looking for David. (The timeline seems all over the place in this episode, with people flitting about all over the place between scenes, whilst somehow managing to never pass each other on the stairs. Maybe David knows secret passageways.) Nothing new is brought up, but there is a phone call from Burke to check up on Roger, presumably to reinstate him as a suspect in the not overstaying it's welcome at all car sabotage storyline. It's fooling no-one though, we all know Devil Child David is the culprit.

Next, a bit of grainy outside footage as Roger gets in his car and drives off. David is watching from his window and announces, to thin air,

He's going to die Mother. He's going to diiiiiieeee

which isn't weird at all.

Then there's a bit of wobbly footage of the car picking up speed on the hill and Roger stamping at the brakes until... it hits a tree. Fuck Off!! I've been waiting weeks for this and he hits a tree?!? Where's my fiery death plunge off the cliff? Bait and switch bastards!

Anyway, back to the house and the phone is ringing off the hook. David is just staring at it, cos he obviously has it sussed what's going on, so Elizabeth has to come answer it. She's not happy, because it means she has to come out from... the cupboard under the stair landing?

Where did you come from?

Seriously, that door has never been opened before so far as I can remember, and it does just lead into a black space under the stair landing. What's really weird is that a couple of seconds later Vicky follows her out of there too. What exactly have they been up to in the cupboard under the stairs together that they would be upset to have interru...ooooh! I get it! Yeah.

The phone call is about the accident, Elizabeth has a bit of a meltdown and David stares into the camera looking stoned for a bit. The end.

The constant conversations that rehash stuff we already know to fill airtime are starting to get a bit wearing now, if I'm honest. As is Devil Child Davids comatose style of acting. Maybe we can hope that the storyline will pick up pace a bit now that the fiery death plunge...sorry, wishful thinking...bit of a bump into a tree has finally happened.

Join me for the next episode, where none of this will be addressed and a whole different bunch of characters will be highlighted because the writer doesn't understand how to pace stories. Until then, remember, anyone who wants to be your friend should be put up against a wall and shot. It's the only sensible thing to do.

Dark Shadows Episode 14

Previously on Dark Shadows, Vicky W did the washing up with DiegoPhilipMathew and then he told her off; Burke of the Chin tried to convince Roger that he wasn't out for revenge, before maybe or maybe not sabotaging his car to send him to a fiery doom at the foot of the cliff; and Floozy Daughter Caroline was a bit flighty and cute.

Which of these will be important in today's episode? Will any of them? Who knows? Here's Vicky W with a melodramatic voiceover to lead us in... (watch the ep here if you like)

My name is Victoria Winters. The dead past is still here in Collinwood; there's a connection here with my life, I know, and somehow I'll learn what it is; perhaps through the boy I'll tutor.

...the boy I'll tutor? She hasn't started yet? Bloody hell, she must have been there a month by now, surely? What's that, a couple of days... Christ this show is slow.

Anyway, the boy in question is on screen now, Devil Child David to his friends, and he's being a bit creepy. Because of course he is. First he throws a book across the room, then he stalks around for a bit before a lengthy spot of staring at himself in the mirror, all topped off with him producing some little trinket thing from the dresser drawer and holding it out to the camera so the audience can have a nice long look. So he's an obliging nutter, anyway.

Yes, we've all seen it now DCD, put it away.

Oh, now he's creeping around the hall, he's checking for people, there's no-one about...he's in Vicky W's room! What's he gonna get up to in here I wonder? Nothing good, I'm sure.

He's going through her knicker drawer. A little pedestrian by his standards, but understandable I suppose; he's a growing lad, she's a good looking woman, he's bound to be curious. But oh noes! She's caught him at it; and now she thinks he's stolen something. Oh, you're for it now, Devil Child David!

Except he manages, because he's an evil genius, to convince her that he was actually going through her drawers to leave her a present. Hahaha, oh Devil Child David, you are clever! She leaves the confrontation with a little seashell thing, his assurance that they are now friends, and a 'Kick Me' sign stuck to her back.

At this point in the episode I'm a little distressed that my beloved Vicky W is allowing herself to be played like a banjo at a Billy Ray Cyrus fanclub meeting, so I need something to cheer me up. And lo, the Gods doth hear my prayers, because here's Floozy Caroline in her pyjamas.

Caroline's been eavesdropping and now she wants to know what the craic is from Vicky W. Will Vicky W tell her the craic? Does Vicky W even fully understand what the craic is and, more to the point, will Caroline? How many times can I type craic before it loses all meaning? Craic.

Ah, never mind, Caroline has gotten distracted. It's started to rain outside and her hair style is going to be ruined before her big date tonight. Her date that isn't with Burke of the Chin, although she wishes it was, which doesn't say much about her feelings for her actual date. It's probably Main Squeeze In Name Only Joe, but you never can tell with Caroline.

Onwards! We're in the dive pub with the jaunty yet unrecognisable music that costs nothing to license playing on the jukebox. Speak of the devil; Joe's here, and he's paying his tab from the night before. Who should walk in behind him but Burke of the Chin, and oh how the staredown does excite! Joe is basically telling Burke to fuck off, while Burke is doing his usual trick; and why not, since it seems to work for him; of protesting his innocence and smirking in the face of hostility. Seriously, this guy just doesn't give a fuck; I think he's becoming my hero.

Behold my manly stare, and fear it Burke. No, stop laughing at me, dammit!

After Burke gets rid of Joe by just being cooler than him, we head off back to the house where Caroline is getting dressed for her night out, while Vicky W sits and watches; these two are definitely gonna get it on sometime soon. Caroline is bemoaning that her date with Joe will be dull, and going on about how much better it would be if it was Burke. Vicky is all "but Joe loves you!", and Caroline is all "the hell with that bullshit, Burke is hot, and rich. Get with the programme, Girlfriend!"

Fair play, I suppose.

After a while, presumably to shut Vicky W up, Caroline makes out that she's probably never going to see Burke again anyway and she's not all that fussed, so what difference does it make? She's fooling no-one though, because as soon as she hears that Roger is going to meet him, she's all over the time and place. Not that she's planning to gatecrash, oh no, perish the thought.

Anyway, Joe arrives, and Vicky W has to let him in because Caroline needs to get changed again, apparently. The first meeting of Vicky W and Joe ends up like this

Oh you are awful. Take me now, you handsome brute.

so I'm calling it right now, they'll be shagging within a fortnight. That's a fortnight in show time, so about a years worth of episodes.

Once Caroline and Joe are gone; after another lecture from Vicky W about Caroline's floozy ways; Vicky makes her way upstairs where she she sees a door opening and closing all by itself. A door, I might add, that has supposedly not been unlocked in decades. Devil Child David, bearer of this news, offers the theory that maybe it's the ghosts that opened it, but Vicky W; being, if naive, not a blithering idiot, discounts this theory. Well, you would, wouldn't you? Don't Lie! Yes you would!

But it was open I tell you! Opennnnnn!

David assures her that once she's lived there a little while longer she'll believe in ghosts too. Then he tells her that he has another present for her. But what can it be? Oh, he just wants to give her his magazine and keep talking about ghosts. Ok.

Once he eventually tires of that he gets on about his Dad, Creepy Roger. Vicky W says Roger is a very nice man; which immediately invalidates my opinion of her intelligence; but David says Roger hates her, which winds her right up, I can tell you.

Of course, between the ghosts hating everyone; Roger hating Vicky W; and David's next conversational avenue, Burke of the Chin hating Roger; it soon becomes apparent that  David may be slightly preoccupied with that less savoury of emotions. Vicky W, being the caring naive fool that she is, attempts to counsel him about this, but he just goes into his thousand yard stare mode.

You don't know the things I've seen. Oh, the horror.

From there we're headed to the pub again, complete with the same 5 seconds of copyright free music on a continual loop, which isn't crazy making at all. Burke is there, smoking a cigarette and glancing at his watch; is he waiting for Roger? If he is, that would mean he actually expects Roger to show, which would indicate he hasn't sabotaged his car to send him plummeting to an early grave. Huh.

Anyway, he seats himself in the corner, behind the dancing youths/epileptic fit havers, so he's well concealed when Caroline and Joe come in and start chatting. She's busy belittling him at every turn when Burke makes his presence felt, then she asks Burke to join them even though Joe said he didn't like him and didn't want anything to do with him; face it, Joe my lad, she's not the girl for you.

Once Burke is ensconced at their table we cut away again, so I guess we'll have to wait a fortnight to see what they talk about, and we're back up at the house. Vicky W. is still trying to talk Devil Child David into focusing on the positive things in life. God loves a tryer, eh, Vicky?

Things take an interesting turn - don't laugh - when David learns that his Dad is going into town. "Is he taking the car?" he asks. Dun Dun Durrrrrrr! Does this mean that David has sabotaged Roger's car? And that Burke was just hanging around the garage with a wrench because...er...the writer wanted a red herring in place and hoped we wouldn't notice that it made no sense? I think that's exactly what it means! After another thousand yard stare from David, because this kid is really fucking good at doing them, we fade to the credits.

Will Roger go to town in his sabotaged car, and careen to his death with a bloodcurdling scream? Or will Vicky W's counseling session prompt Devil Child David to come clean about his attempted automotive homicide? Who is behind the never opened door that opened? And will Joe punch Burke in the face?

All these questions and many more besides, won't be answered in the next enthralling episode of Dark Shadows.

Dark Shadows Episode 13

 (As ever, you can watch todays ep here)   

Episode 13! Unlucky for some! When last we left Collinwood, Roger was about to enter the drawing room for his long awaited confrontation with Burke Devlin, the man who went to prison for something he didn't do, apparently, and all because of Roger. What crazy shit will go down, when they come together again for the first time in years?

Assuming we see the meeting. It'd be just like this show if we don't see either of them for the entire episode.

 Let's find out.  But first, a dramatic voice-over from the delectable Vicky W:

My name is Victoria Winters. From the moment I arrived at Collinwood I'd been surrounded by tension; and now the band has grown tighter, until the great dark house seems alive with ghosts of a past I never knew. Ghosts that draw tight fingers around the present.

Look, I'm just gonna say it. Vicky W needs to lighten the f*ck up.

We're straight into the drawing room; Yes!;  and while Burke of the Chin is all friendly and shit Roger is having none of it.

Shake your hand? I'd rather dry hump a cactus.

Lady of the Manor Elizabeth wants Roger to hear Burke out, because she, apparently, believes his story that he's on a flying visit on the way to Venezuela, as opposed to a permanent residency intent on enacting some kind of demented blood vendetta. Roger isn't as easily fooled as his sis, but he does agree to listen to Burke's story; although not before pouring himself a hell of a stiff drink, because in the 60's it was illegal to do anything after 2pm if you didn't have a whiskey.

Anyway, talk soon rolls around to the guy who died ten years ago and Burke's little visit to the slammer. Roger insists that Burke was guilty and Burkes face does this

and then changes to this

in about 2 seconds flat. That's some shit hot 'my jovial mask has slipped but I am aware and will immediately correct myself because I am a top psycho villain and no mistake' acting from old Burke there. His years as a member of the Dick Dastardly Chorus haven't been forgotten.

Roger gives it some more big licks, demanding answers from Burke about all sorts of shit and refusing to back down about the testimony he gave at Burke's trial. He was a quivering wreck at the end of last week, so that whiskey is obviously doing it's job. If only he weren't such a smug bastard about it, this new found bravery might even be endearing.

The rest of the conversation is all Roger making accusations and Burke having an answer for everything. I'm not sure Roger is convinced, but he's no proof, so he just has another sip of whiskey. There, there Roger, that'll make it all better.

To some really creaky outside film footage of Vicky W walking around the grounds. Which reminds me, wasn't she meant to be off to see creepy caretaker JimmyMitchellMathew? That was a couple of episodes ago, I'd forgotten about it completely! Is this that? Let's see...

It is! *Well chuffed look on his face*. Hashtag, GoodAtSoaps. Someone in the location department needs to look up 'cottage' in the Big Boys Book of Buildings though.

That's not a bloody cottage

Anyway, the door is slightly ajar so she makes her way inside. I'd have thought twice about that if I was her, what with him being a creepy and mysterious man well prone to having a suspicious mind and a violent temper; she's just handing him a 'Stand Your Ground' defence on a plate.

Shit, he's behind her! Run, Vicky W, run! Oh, no, it's all right, he's just gonna have a rant about needing his supper. That's OK then. He lets her sit down and ask her questions. But I hear the ad break music creeping into the score (oh God, I'm recognising music cues, kill me now), so we'll probably have to wait...

No, it's fine, we fade back from the ad break and MauriceJohnMathew is eating his supper, with disturbing relish I might add, while answering her questions with questions which is just rude! Seriously though, he really is unwilling to say anything without the Lady of the Manors permission. She's got him well whipped!


After the least convincing lie ever from Vicky W about whether the boss lady knows she's asking, the old dude finally gives up some answers. Vague answers, but anything's an improvement. He does get a wee bit on edge (more than usual) when she mentions being raised in an orphanage, so I'm calling it right now, HE'S HER DAD! (Maybe)

Papa? Vicky? 

Burke is still up at the main house while all this is going on, and he's still trying to convince Roger that he's a good guy. Roger gets Elizabeth out of the room (finally, after several not very subtle hints) and lays it out straight for Burke. He knows Burke for the petty, vindictive, grudge bearer that he is and...

ROGER: Let me tell you something Burke. If you try to do anything to me, to my family, to any of us, those 5 years you spent in prison will seem like the best time you ever had.

Go on Son! Of course the moment is ruined slightly by the fact that Burke just laughs in his face but you know, he tried.

Things take a darker turn after that when Burke decides he's had enough of Rogers posturing and goes on the offensive by asking how Rogers wife is, and reminding him that he and she used to be 'very friendly'. Then we get the tidbit that Roger and his wife got married the day after Burke got sent down, as a 'celebration'. I'm hearing this and I can't help but think that this show started 10 years too late; it sounds like a much better show!

After a brief lay-over with Vicky W and ThomasBenedictMathew; where we learn that he makes a very tasty muffin and that Roger moved away from Collinsport as soon as he was married, and only came back about a month before the show began, which was 'the worst thing that ever happened to this house' according to the, rather more opinionated than his status should allow, caretaker; we're back with Roger and Burke, who are discussing...why Roger came back after his years away. There's a coincidence.

It's just a segue though, because soon they're on to new matters. First Burke plants the idea that he might be wanting to buy either the house or the business from Elizabeth, and cuts Roger off when he tries to insist that she would never sell. Then he invites Roger down to the local bar, to discuss a little business matter. Intriguing...

Once Burke leaves, insisting that he'll see Roger later, we're back with Vicky W and her now seemingly very friendly host. They're even doing the washing up together, like some sort of old married couple were the man is old and the woman is a foxy young trophy wife.

He's regaling her with the tale of how he once almost died, and again we get mention of the dangerous road down off the cliff. They keep bringing that up, so it must be important, but if it's foreshadowing it's bloody long range, because no-one ever seems to have any trouble. Maybe in episode 100 we'll see a crash.

Alas, the domestic bliss doesn't last long because a phone call from the big house alerts him to the fact that she lied about having permission to talk to him and he's back to being creepy anger management dude. Much finger wagging later and he throws her out on her ear. Poor Vicky W.

Bad Possibly Daughter!

In another bit of grainy outdoor filming; they're really pushing the boat out on this episode; we see her leaving his 'cottage' and spotting  a mysterious bit of movement in the shadows. Rather than running and hiding like I would do, she investigates...

It's Burke of the Chin! He's 'just admiring Rogers car' with a spanner in his hand. Whatever could that mean? I'm sure I can't guess.

It's OK, though, because he found it on the seat whilst having a look around. Well, I'm relieved.

Back at the house, Roger and Elizabeth discuss whether they believe Burke; upshot, they want to, but don't dare to; and then Roger decides he probably has to go to Burkes business invitation. Down the dangerous roads. In the car Burke has been admiring. Yeah.

Then Vicky W comes in and gets a stern lecture from Elizabeth about how Mathew is very loyal to her and if he thinks problems are being created for her he can get very violent. So think on, Vicky W! Think on!

Before the conversation ends, Vicky W asks Elizabeth whether Roger is planning to use his car that night. When told that yes, he might be, she ponders this news for a moment and then...

She goes to bed!

Oh Vicky W, are you so naive? Or are you simply an emotionless sociopath with no care for your employers imminent fiery death plunge? I suppose we'll find out in the next episode, won't we?

Join me then, oh loyal readers (if there are any *passive aggressive whiny aside*), for the answers to this and many other burning questions. I hope you're looking forward to it as much as I am.

Dark Shadows Episode 12

So where were we? We left episode 11 with Sam drunk and stress-heading about Burke of the Chin. Burke himself was up at Collinwood waiting to finally meet up with Creepy Roger; a meeting they've been teasing since the series began, so I really hope it happens this time. And Vicky W hasn't been seen for two episodes, which either means that Elizabeth did tie her to her bed after all, or she's just really struggling with that letter she's been writing; maybe Devil Child David has stolen her thesaurus?

Without further ado, let's dive into episode 12 (watch it here if you like) and as ever we kick things off with a Vicky W voice over:

My name is Victoria Winters. A night wind batters the house on Widow's Hill with the force of a thousand demons. There's no world beyond, it seems; only the waves, and the wind, and the terrible loneliness and fear. I've decided to stay and continue my search, and yet there have been no answers.

It would help if you didn't spend all your time in your bedroom love, just a thought.

Anyway, at least we're guaranteed to see a bit of her this week because here she is, in the very first scene, wandering around at the top of the cliff, tutting at the wind and looking miserable. I suspect she wants to be alone, the better to facilitate her moping, but it's not to be because who should appear but...Creepy Roger, looking creepy.

And just in case you think I'm over-egging his creepiness, check this out:

VICKY W: Oh, Mr Collins, you nearly frightened me to death!

CREEPY ROGER: Perhaps that was my intention Miss Winters.

I'm not the smoothest of chaps with the ladies, but even I know that's a fucking weird thing to say. Anyway...

He demands that she sit so he can talk to her, which she does, but the conversation isn't allowed to start because it's the end of the teaser so they just have to glare at each other until the titles kick in which, because 60's editing is shit, takes forever. This happens all the time on this show and it's never not toe curlingly awkward; poor bastards must have felt like right plums.

After the titles play, if you can stay awake through the dirge like music of course, you're rewarded with some talk of The Widows. It seems Devil Child David isn't the only one peddling this tale; Creepy Roger is well into them.

Apparently The Widows are the ghosts of the wives and girlfriends who would come up on the hill to watch for the returning ships of their men, long overdue. When Collinwood was built, they were told that they were no longer allowed on the hill, and had to keep their grief to themselves. But they never left, and in death they still haunt the hill, giving it it's new name, Widow's Hill. All piss taking aside, that's a pretty neat idea for a ghost story, don't you think?

Anyway, Vicky W isn't believing any of it, but Roger assures her that she will, given time. It's ok though, because she's not family, so the ghosts won't hurt her. Does that mean that they have hurt family members in the past? Maybe they are responsible for whatever happened to Roger's wife? The pieces are all falling into place now, oh yes! I've got the whole show sussed!

Hang on though, if the Widow's don't target people who aren't family, what has driven all the previous people to hold Vicky W's job to kill themselves? Damn, I guess I haven't sussed it after all. So close!

Onwards. The cafe, and Sam the Riddler is announcing to his daughter that he might be leaving town, on account of if he doesn't he'll end up dead and that'll just make her sad and he doesn't want to make her sad. Yeah, that's the reason you don't want to die mate.

Just look at the anguish in that face

On the plus side, Sam is talking in coherent sentences this week, so they can get through the scene fairly painlessly. On the downside, this means we're back up on the hill again quicker than I might have liked. (Nothing against Vicky W or Creepy Roger, but the wind sound effects are annoying as fuck)

A little bit more about the Widows and then we're on, because of course we are, to the subject of Burke of the Chin. Roger isn't happy about Vicky W having had a coffee and a chat with Burke; Vicky W doesn't see why she should have to account for her actions; Roger goes off on one about how dangerous Burke is; and Vicky W tells of Burke's intentions to come to the house and talk to Roger in person, which well puts the shits up him.

Well fretting.

He'd be soiling himself if he knew Burke was at the house waiting for him, right now. Although the way things are going he's not gonna find out this episode.

Back to Sam now, and having had time to reflect on his walk home he's realised that he was being far too lucid in the last scene, so it's time for a bit of the old mad rambling soliloquy-ing. Luckily for us, Maggie has followed him home to try to talk him out of leaving. They have a bit of an argument but nothing is said that wasn't already said, quicker, in their first scene, so I'm not sure what the point was. Onwards!

Or backwards. Because we're on the hill again. Yep, definitely looks like these 4 are the only characters we're getting this episode. Never mind.

Creepy Roger is proper berating Vicky W now. For his part, he's telling her that a war is coming between the Collins family and Burke of the Chin, and she'd better decide which side she's on. For her part, she's a bit bemused by it all and thinks he's over reacting. For my part, I don't know anymore.

Oh my God, he's just told her to turn around and go home! No-one's told her to turn around and go home since episode 2! Ah, the good old days... To be fair, he seems genuinely concerned for her well bring, which doesn't really jibe with his character as we've seen it so far, so either he's mellowing or the writer has forgotten what he wrote last week.

But what's this?!? A voice, through yonder trees! 'Tis Caroline, calling for Roger! And I just got through saying we weren't gonna get anymore characters this week; my predictatron 5000 is obviously on the fritz.

Caroline tells Roger that her mother wants to see him, and it's very important. What she doesn't tell him is that Burke of the Chin is there as well. The little minx!

To Collinwood we go. But not for long because first thing Roger does on arrival is ring Sam and tell him to get out of town. Great minds! Then we spend a good five minutes with Sam and Maggie arguing over whether that was Roger on the phone and what he has to do with Sam leaving. Maggie thinks it's Rogers fault, Sam says it's nothing to do with him and anyway it wasn't even him on the phone and leave me alone waah waah waah, because when stripped of his philosophical ramblings he's as eloquent as a duck with alzheimers.

We hear more about Burke going to prison here, and Roger returning to town at the same time, although just who it was that died back then is still unclear. It was a man though, we know that. Maggie isn't letting things lie, and poor Sam looks fit to burst from the stress. I'm not entirely sure, but I think this scene ends with Sam deciding to stay in town after all. I'll probably be proved wrong on that as well though.

Unhappy Maggie

Now back to the house and Vicky W and Caroline are getting home. No sign of Roger though, which is odd, because you'd have thought if he had gone into his meeting we'd have been shown; I'm banking on some pretty hilarious reaction shots when he encounters Burke; so I wonder were he's got to? Never mind that for now though, because Caroline is convincing Vicky W to head on over to see LucasVincentMathew the caretaker; you know, the creepy one we haven't seen in 6 episodes; in his cottage to ask a few questions. Off she trots, so I reckon we know what 90% of next episode is going to consist of.

Once Vicky W is out of the picture Caroline does the only natural thing:

Nosy Mare

but hearing nothing she loiters around a bit while she waits for Roger to make his entrance down the stairs. He never went into the meeting (told you) but rather he went upstairs for some unknown reason that probably boils down to 'the script needed him to not be in the hall when the girls got home' and now he's heading out again, to see Sam. FFS! Just have him meet Burke, you bastards!

Caroline, obviously as frustrated as the audience at this point is all 'Just fucking go in, for Gods sake, it'll not kill you!' but it's only when she mentions Burke's name that he slows his exit. Quickly reverting to Creepy mode, he gets all aggressive about how she should never have brought Devlin up to the house but she, just as quick to assume Adorable mode, is all 'he's really nice when you get to know him'. Adorable or not, she's not the brightest.

Caroline runs off upstairs and leaves Roger all alone in the hall. Will he stay or will he go now? They seem keen to keep you guessing because he walks backwards and forwards from one door to the next about 27 times. In the end though, he mans up

and with a mighty girding of the loins, he...puts his hand on the doorknob to the room containing Burke. Roll credits.

Utter bastards!!!

So what have we learned this episode? That Sam can be lucid, but prefers not to be; that the existence of The Widows is accepted as fact by people other than Devil Child David; that the sound effects people don't know the difference between spooky and annoying; and oh yes, that if Vicky W was up on the clifftops, it can't have been her opening and closing doors in a mysterious fashion at the end of last episode. Ha, you didn't think I'd thought of that, did you?

Join me next episode when, if all goes well, we'll finally get that big meeting between Roger and Burke. (And if it doesn't happen I may well throw something through the screen)

Dark Shadows Episode 11

It's episode 11 and we're flying. Last time out Devil Child David delivered a few home truths to his dad and Caroline brought Burke of the Chin; whom she may or may not have slept with; home to meet the family. Oh, and Vicky W is upstairs, probably writing a letter. And that's where we're at.

I'm not embedding the episodes anymore, but you can watch it here if you like. 


So without further ado let's check in with the ever lovely Vicky W:

My name is Victoria Winters. Collinwood sits, as it has for almost 130 years, in brooding isolation on the crest of it's hill. The secrets of the past have not yet been opened to me, but I've come this far, and I must wait. It's a strange home for me, but even stranger for those who've spent their lives within it's walls.

...and I must wait... She's telling us that her story isn't going to move forward this episode, isn't she? Colour me shocked.

So, we open where we left off, with Caroline and Burke of the Chin on the doorstep and Lady of the Manor Elizabeth acting all shocked to see him. Caroline, seemingly oblivious to her Mother's distress, invites him in for a drink.

Nice place. I'll have it.

I'm not sure whether Elizabeth was going for intimidating or intimidated in this scene, but she definitely managed twitchy. Caroline on the other hand was like an excitable puppy and I'm not gonna lie, she's adorable.

Burke attempts to peddle the same pack of lies about holding no grudges and just passing through town because he was homesick that he fed to Caroline last week; Elizabeth isn't biting though. Both Elizabeth and Burke of the Chin tell Caroline that she talks too much in this scene, which makes me want to slap them, but Caroline seems unfazed. In fact, from the way she's doting on Burke, he definitely rocked her world back in his hotel room. At the very least he got a couple of fingers in there.

Anyway, the scene rocks to a big finish with Burke of the Chin finally getting that drink he was offered and Elizabeth essentially announcing her intention to interrogate him mercilessly. You go girl!

We'll have to wait for that though, because we're whisked off to the diner/bar/hotel/only regular set that isn't Collinwood, where Sam 'The Riddler' Evans is trying to get a drink from the dude on duty, who in turn is doing his damnedest to get some coffee down Sam's neck. Personally, I think her should leave Sam alone; he appears to have finally reached a level of drunken-ness that's allowed him to forget to only speak in riddles. Of course, now he's paraphrasing Shakespeare, but anything's an improvement.

Sam's having none of this coffee lark, until Hotel Dude entices him with sexual favo... sorry, news about Burke of the Chin. That get's his attention all right. Which kind of makes his assertion a couple of episodes ago that he wasn't interested in Burke and was just gonna sit back and take what came, essentially obsolete. But hey ho, that was ages ago, the audience is bound to have forgotten, right?

Hotel Dude tells Sam about Caroline's visit to Burke, which we already knew, and nothing else. Which means the viewer learns absolutely nothing new from the whole 4 minute affair, because economic storytelling was illegal in the 60's. All is not lost though, because we do at least get to watch a masterful bit of business as Sam convinces us that he's sipping coffee from a blatantly empty cup. That's acting.

This scene ends with Sam making an incredible leap of reasoning and deducing exactly what Burke is up to; despite not having been told anything that could possibly lead him to that conclusion, and being too blind drunk to make the connections if he had. Sloppy, Mr Writer. Very sloppy. He doesn't believe Caroline will be so daft as to take Burke up to the house though. Because that would be crazy talk.

To Collinwood! Vicky W is still upstairs. Possibly still writing her letter, possibly asleep, I'm not sure. She's definitely not practicing the drums though, I know that.

Elizabeth, in her own very subtle manner, has contrived to get Caroline away from Burke of the Chin to question her about his plans. Caroline tells her all about how she read his secret papers, but Elizabeth is all 'how do you know he didn't leave the papers there so you'd read it?', because she may be borderline comatose and possibly drunk, but she's not stupid. Even when Caroline brings up the so-called 'Venezuelan' phone call, Elizabeth is still not convinced. I'm liking this pragmatic Elizabeth; she's even managing to remember everyone's names on the first attempt.

Next up, Sam rings Collinwood, to speak to Creepy Roger, who isn't in the house, but while he's trying to ascertain where he is, he hears Burke's voice and, realising that he was wrong about Caroline not being insanely naive he slams the phone down in frustration.

Or  possibly terror. And I think maybe a touch of arousal.

Burke of the Chin, meanwhile, is making casual references, just in passing you know, to the value of Collinwood and how much it might fetch on the market and how in his experience everything is for sale for the right price and...what? No, he's definitely not out to take Collinwood, it's just small talk over drinks, don't be so suspicious!

I don't think she wants to sell

Back at the inn/discotheque/train station, Sam is back to talking in nonsense again. Check it out, this is legitimately how he tells Hotel Dude that Burke is up at the house;

SAM: He's there, I heard his voice!

HOTEL DUDE: Who? Burke?

SAM: The Trojan horse. The smiling gift, rolled into the stronghold and waiting to spread it's fear. And I will be the first victim of that fear.

A simple yes would have done mate. Just saying. But there's more!

SAM: It's too late! What there was to do, it's too late to do, and now all I can do is wait... or run!

I swear, melodrama was invented for this bloke.

Up at the house Burke is giving Elizabeth his best sob story, all about his poverty stricken father and his time in prison. She might not have been taken in with the Venezuelan business trip malarkey, but she does seem to be buying this; has pragmatic Elizabeth gone away already? Sadface.

Suddenly we're back in the hall and the phone's ringing again. A door opens upstairs, but no-one comes through it. Spooky!

 Caroline answers the phone; it's Main Squeeze Joe and she babbles to him a bit about how things are looking up, old troubles are over, and the ghosts are banished. Then Elizabeth appears and sends her off to find Roger; she's decided to bring Roger and Burke together. That's gonna end badly, for the definites.

Once Caroline's headed off to find Roger, and Elizabeth is back in the drawing room with Burke, the door upstairs closes, without us ever seeing who was there. Spooooooky! Although, to be fair, it was probably Vicky W debating whether that glass of milk she fancied was worth getting caught up in the nonsense.

And that's episode 11 done. Once more we have a tiny fraction of the cast, on just two sets. Also, once more, we have no Vicky W. The one trend I can deal with, the other not so much; she'd best be in the next episode or I'll be dispatching a strongly worded email.