Dark Shadows Episode 19

Here we are again, in Collinsport, Maine. When last we left the residents of this sleepy little hamlet, Devil Child David was announcing that he hates his Dad, and Vicky W was being dragged off by said Dad, aka Creepy Uncle Roger, to confront Burke; he of The Chin; about trying to kill Roger. Little did either of them know, because neither of them has the wits God gave a traffic bollard, it's actually David who's the attempted murderer.

Other people are in the midst of doing other shit as well, but they weren't in the last episode and I can't remember any further back than that; if you're curious, you could go and read the posts. Hashtag Fucking Massive Hint. Hashtag I Want More Views.

Anyway, today we watch episode 19, which you can see here if you so desire, and we begin, as ever, with Vicky W;

My name is Victoria Winters. The tension seems endless. So much has happened since I first set foot in Collinwood, and faced the woman who hadn't left it's grounds in 18 years; a woman who has been shocked by an attempted murder; a woman who is torn with concern for the one person she loves most in this world.

Seems we're going to be focusing on the Lady of the Manor herself, Elizabeth, in this episode. Could be worse, I suppose; at least this way we're guaranteed some decent line fluffs.

We fade in on her ladyship, wearing a dressing gown, so we're obviously not too far ahead of last episode, coming downstairs looking all agitated and nervous. She looks at the clock, then wanders around for a bit, until the phone rings. It's Bill! They didn't forget about him for 10 episodes this time, which must have been a relief for the actor.

He brings bad tidings; he can't find Caroline! But he does reassure Elizabeth that Caroline won't do anything stupid. Which shows what he knows; she's probably up in Burke of the Chin's rooms right now, getting her 50 Shades on. She's a kinky one, that Caroline.

Aww, look how worried she looks. 

She hangs up and heads into the hall to listen to the clock chime. We get 10 chimes before the theme music kicks in. Which is odd, considering it chimed midnight 2 episodes ago, and we're meant to be still on the same night, so... Moving on.

Sam the Riddler is getting pissed at the pub when Bill comes in looking for Caroline. When he hears that Caroline and Burke might be together, he shits his pants. Doesn't stop him from letting Bill buy him a drink though; Sam is nothing if not a fiscally sensible drunk.

Onwards again. Caroline and Main Squeeze Joe have reunited and headed into the cafe; sans Burke of the Chin, so no kinky sex for Caroline tonight; to buy some Hamburgers. At, like, 2am or whatever the hell time it is. I wanna live in that town, cos I struggle to find somewhere to sell me a toastie after 4pm round my way, and that's in major shopping centres!

Look how angry! Fuming, he is.

Enough of my woes; they're still arguing, about Burke of course. Joe even goes so far as to intimate that he might dump her! I'd say he was a fool for letting someone so cute slip through his fingers, but anyone who's been paying attention knows Vicky W is well up for a bit of his square jawed attentions, so he's quids in regardless. We'll have to wait and see how it plays out though; he'll probably be proposing again next time we see them.

Back to Bill and Sam, were Sam pries the news about Roger out of Bill, and promptly freaks out and does a runner, much to Bills consternation. Serious speculation time; does this mean Bill is unaware of Sams involvement in whatever caused the animosity between Roger and Burke? He doesn't seem to be able to figure out why Sam is so nervous; maybe Sam has been kept out of the story somehow? Who knows?

Meanwhile, in a thrilling development Joe has had to collect the burgers from the kitchen himself, because the cafe is shorthanded (or in other words, we've already seen our quota of characters for this episode). And he's talking about marriage! Yes! He's not proposing, but come on! I could write this shit I swear to God.

They have a bit of a powwow about how Caroline has to live her life her own way; this is definitely a break up talk, unless I'm missing some subtext or other; and then Sam the Riddler walks in and looks shocked to see Caroline, while the dun dun durrrr music swells. Cue ad break.

Fade back, and we're on Elizabeth up at the big house; for the first time since scene one, which pisses on my assertion that we were gonna see a lot of her this episode. Yeah, yeah, fuck off, I was nearly right about Joe wasn't I? No-ones perfect!

The phone rings, because of course it does; they wouldn't have cut back to her if she didn't have something to say and there's no way they're introducing another character into the ep at this late stage, so she had to get a phone call from someone we've already seen. See, I'm getting the hang of how this show works.

It's Bill. Sam has called him to let him know where Caroline is and he's told her about Rogers accident and sent her home. So presumably a deal of time has passed since Sam walked into the cafe and saw her. Equally presumably, the dramatic music when he did so was fucking meaningless, cos all he did was call Bill; they made you think he was gonna kill her with a chair leg or something.

Bit of a scene with Bill and Sam next, but they just go over old ground and remind us of various bits of plot that we might have forgotten since the last time they filled an episode with pointless reminders. Moving on.

Caroline arrives home, with Joe in tow; so even if he's dumped her, he's good enough to drive her home. That's a gent right there folks! Unless he's just hoping to meet up with Vicky W.

Caroline races up to see her Uncle Roger in his sick bed. You won't find him there love, he's off into town to play hard man! In fact, shouldn't they have passed on the road? Or, given that there only seems to be two locations in the town, bumped into him there? Hmm, maybe he and Vicky W have pulled into a lay-by somewhere for some gear stick training.

Anyway, devoid of any Vicky to flirt with, Joe is ready for heading home, but he's got no chance; Elizabeth drags him into the study for some MILFtastic anal lovemaking. Or to talk to him. One of those.

It's been so long Joe, so very long. Won't you end my torment?

Ah, turns out she just wants to pump him. Not like that! She wants information about Caroline, but he's a gentleman dontcha know, and he doesn't want to talk. She's just about to break out the old car battery to the testes trick to get him to talk when he's saved by Caroline, rushing in to lament Rogers absence. Whereupon all hell breaks looks.

Elizabeth immediately deduces that he's gone off to fight Burke. "At this time of night?" queries Caroline. Oh yes, and what time would that be Caroline? Eh? Come on!

Joe rushes off to check if Rogers 2nd car is in the garage, and Elizabeth uses the alone time to go proper batshit angry at Caroline. Caroline is having none of it though, and gives as good as she gets, even going so far as to refuse to believe that Burke was responsible for the crash. Granted, it because she fancies him rather than any deeper reading of the evidence, but still.

There's a brief moment where we think we're about to get a bit of backstory; Elizabeth starts telling Caroline about what happened ten years ago, at the trial of Burke of the Chin; but it's a false alarm. She tells her a bunch of stuff we already know, and then they have a bit of a stare down for a minute before the dramatic music swells and Caroline tries to escape the tedium by wandering into the fireplace.

'Don't you turn your back on me!' 'Get to fuck you old hag!'

 'Damn you, little barrier thing I don't know the name of!' she's no doubt thinking. 'Damn you all to hell!'

That's the episode. Since the only real plot to speak of in this show is the Roger/Burke rivalry, and neither of those characters actually appear in this episode... yeah, there's not a lot going on here.

We don't even get any decent line fluffs from Elizabeth, or Vicky W in her pyjamas. What were they thinking? It's like they don't know their audience at all!

Join me next time, when we'll hopefully see a bareknuckle, drag out, brawl between Roger and Burke. They're gonna put Philo Bedoe to shame I tell ya!

I'm starting to hate this man with a fiery passion.