Dark Shadows Episode 10

Episode 10! Double figures! Hells yeah, mother-funters!

Last episode virtually nothing happened, but that's ok because the last thing we saw was S&M enthusiast Caroline going up to the room of old enough to be her Dad mysterious stranger Burke of the Chin, so I'm reasonably certain some hot stuff is coming this week.

So without further ado, let us travel once more to Collinsport, Maine. If you listen carefully, I'm pretty sure I can hear a melodramatic introductory voiceover...yes, there it is;



My name is Victoria Winters. I know I shouldn't be afraid, and yet the great house on Widow's Hill carries the dusty smell of fear. It moves through the paneled rooms and dark corridors; it seeps down from the walls, and touches the heart of everyone that enters.

Short one this week. She's probably not really feeling it.

To business! Devil Child David is sneaking into the house; which probably confirms that it was him doing the knocky nine doors last week; and for some reason feels compelled to do a shining with the drawing room doors.

Heeeeeeeeeeeres David!

Having indulged his Nicholson fetish he heads for bed but the phone rings, bringing his Aunt, Elizabeth, the Lady of the Manor. Of course he couldn't possibly be found in the hallway of his own home; that would be crazy; so he hides behind a chair that wouldn't hide a spider, despite there being 3 doors he could have gone through. He's the Devil; doesn't mean he's bright.

The phone call is from Creepy Uncle Roger, or in Devil Child David's case Creepy Dad Roger. He's basically checking up on the two young women in the house, to make sure they're home. We don't hear his side of the conversation but after hearing that Caroline has gone out he says something that prompts Elizabeth to say this, of Vicky W;

I have no intention of locking her in her room, or of tying her down!

I know it was probably a figure of speech in response to his saying 'don't let her leave till I get there', or something, but with this show you can never be sure.

Once she hangs up, Elizabeth makes it clear that she knows David is present and they have a nice chat about how all the things she's been blaming him for were actually done by ghosts. Then he runs off. So a typical conversation for these two then.

Teaser done, and dirge-like title music out of the way we're in Burke of the Chin's hotel room. Yeah, now we're getting somewhere. He arranges a phone call from the front desk for half an hours time, presumably as a safeguard in case his impending rendezvous with Floozy Daughter Caroline isn't as much fun as it could be, then does a bit of business with some papers and a briefcase which seems to exist purely to eat up a minute of air time; then, a knock at the door, and it's her. Let the sexy fun times begin.

He wastes no time in casually ascertaining that she came alone and no-one else knows about it; because he's obviously got some experience at this stuff; and then he gets her settled in. He's obviously toying with her, and to be fair; because I do rip the piss quite a bit, I don't know if you've noticed; the actress does a really good job of showing a girl who desperately wants to flirt and be seen as sexy, but is actually out of her depth and nervous as hell.

He sets her at ease about a few things; mainly concerning the fact that he's not in town to kill her Uncle. who she fancies, remember; then contrives to leave her alone with a piece of paper she shouldn't read

Yes, read it, my pretty! Mwahahahaha

knowing full well that she'll read it. What is he up to? I'll be honest, I don't care; I'm just happy that we're finally seeing him up to something.

Oh, I spoke too soon, the next scene  tells us exactly what the thing with the paper was. I know I said they needed to pick up the pace but this is ridiculous. Anyway, with her properly won over by him, it's back to Collinwood where Devil Child David is playing with a new toy.

Was this product placement?

Hearing his Father return, David does the only sensible thing; he hides behind a chair. Oh Devil Child, will you never learn? Roger isn't as observant as Elizabeth is though, so he doesn't see the cowering figure and heads straight for the drinks cabinet. Enter Elizabeth,  and a tense discussion erupts.

They cover a lot of ground in a short while, about alcoholism, Vicky W being devious, and how the best way to deal with Devil Child David would be to put him in an institution. Fucking Hell Roger! This guy SERIOUSLY doesn't like his son. I mean, he's a creepy little shit, but Roger can't really make any comments on that score, if you know what I mean.

Luckily Elizabeth is having none of it, and David's position in the house is secure. For now anyway; I wouldn't put it past Roger to throttle her at some point in the near future.When it's all over, Roger has another drink, before discovering David in hiding and... shit, it's all coming out now! David starts throwing around truth bombs about Roger being unwanted by anyone, about how he and Davids mother would always fight; often about Burke Devlin; about how David is more secure in the house than Roger is and had he'd better not forget it... Say what you will about the little sod, but he's not backing down.

Roger, for his part, is less than happy about David's new found smart mouth.

Anyway, back to Burke and Caroline. Burkes alarm call comes; remember that? course you do; and in a move of almost Moriarty-esque cunning, he disconnects and keeps talking, pretending it's a phone call from Venezuela, in order to further cement the notion in Caroline's mind that he's not out for revenge and will be moving on soon. Burke be a clever bastard, 'tis true.

Oh God, it goes on! Now, on sensing she isn't completely convinced, he starts throwing the evidence in her face.

'How do you know I didn't leave that letter there for you to find? How do you know I didn't arrange that phone call? Why don't you call the switchboard and check? Hmm?'

The guy is shameless. He's being a proper villain at last and I love it! Once she's assured him that she has no doubts at all that he's being honest, he announces that it's time they 'got better acquainted.' Classic!

From there we head back up to the house for another conversation about ghosts between Elizabeth and David, who is for some reason covered in mud all of a sudden, so God knows what he's been up to. He's also holding something behind his back that he refuses to let her see, so I'm sure that's something we'll hear more about, in 16 episode's time.

Once he's done his usual trick of running upstairs and hiding once he's run out of lines, it's time for the big end of episode sting; this time it's Caroline returning home with a big grin on her face; I know what she's been up to; and she's brought a friend to visit. Yes, Burke Devlin in the house! Shit be kicking off, now!

And that's it. A really rather good two-hander between Burke and Caroline and the quite intense confrontation between Roger and David means we hardly notice that the plot barely moves forward at all; nor indeed that Vicky W is nowhere to be seen. She must still be up in her room, composing that letter she seems to be perpetually writing.

I'm gonna come out and say it; I enjoyed this one a lot; in fact it's the first episode that I can claim is actually good drama, as opposed to 'so bad it's good, and you'll have a laugh', drama. If we get a few more like this one, I'll understand why it's as well regarded as it is.

Come back next week when I'll be watching episode 11. Let's see what Burke is gonna do, now that he's gotten access to Collinwood House.

Dark Shadows Episode 8

In last weeks episode, we got lots of juicy hints about Burke of the Chin's past; what is this trial folk keep speaking of; but nothing really about what he wanted now he'd come back to town, and Vicky W made a secretive phone call to her old home. Tense shit, to be sure. Join me now as we delve into episode 8 of Daaaaaark Shadooooows. *ahem*

We begin, as twas ever so, with a spooky voiceover from Vicky W:

My name is Victoria Winters. The devils of a forgotten time have found their home on the crest of Widow's Hill, and the great house echoes with their pain. It's a lonely and frightening world, but for me it's a place of hope; a place where the winds of the past, can bring the answers for the future.

Yeah. Exactly. 

So the teaser is basically Floozy Daughter and The Lady of the Manor telling each other, and us, the plot of the first 7 episodes, and restating the mysteries. This show went out daily for christsakes, how bad were 60's memories? Get a move on!

The episode proper starts with Vicky W; who I'm definitely starting to get a bit of a thing for; still in that phone booth trying to place a call to her old foundlings home. She's not the least bit convinced by the blather she's being fed up at the big house, because she's not a moron, and is checking to see if her old friend there knows anything about this mysterious family who just popped into her life from nowhere. Surprising no-one, it turns out she's been lied to from the off. Those swines!

Back to the big house and Main Squeeze Joe still hasn't arrived for his Mother/Daughter 3-way with the Lady of the Manor and Floozy Daughter! It was 2 episodes ago at least, that they said he was on his way!  Even the imminent prospect of hunky teen man flesh can't stop them discussing whether it was a good idea to bring Vicky W to the house, and worrying about their lies to her being discovered, though. Bloody one track minds these people.

He does get a brief mention at the end of the scene though.

Don't they both look so excited at the prospect?

The conversation takes some weird turns, almost as if they were making it up as they went along, or saying the lines in the wrong order, but the gist seems to be that Vicky W was brought up to replace Floozy Daughter so she could go and marry Main Squeeze Joe, but now Lady of the Manor wants to get rid of her; Floozy Daughter likes her (a lot more than she likes Main Squeeze, is the vibe I'm getting, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink), but has no intention of marrying Main Squeeze; Lady of the Manor will keep Vicky W around, but only for Floozy Daughter, no other reason. So basically, 'If she discovers all our dirty secrets and fucks us over, it's YOUR FAULT!'

That last paragraph makes little sense, I realise. I watched the scene 3 times and I'm not convinced it did, either. I think they just threw in loads of extra lines to make up the running time and ended up forgetting what they were trying to say in the first place. Either that or the whole show is nonsense. But that can't be, right?

Anyway, it's act break time and when we come back... Finally! Main Squeeze Joe has arrived. He's a smooth devil, with separate bouquets of flowers for each woman; maybe he is after a cheeky 3-way after all! Settle down Joe, lad, I was only kidding!

After a wee bit of a flirt with the lady of the Manor he's in to see Floozy Daughter, who for her part is not feeling in a particularly flooze conducive mood, because she's having none of his advances. Leave her be, you fool, can't you see she's on the other team? Or, the same team as you? Or... I'm saying she's blatantly lesbianising over Vicky W. Poor Main Squeeze Joe may not be Main Squeeze for long. :( He should try his luck with the Mother; I reckon she's well up for it.

There is a brief flicker of enthusiasm when (Main Squeeze?) Joe talks of getting a promotion, with accompanying $25 a week pay raise, but the laughter and copious quantities of smoochies soon disappears again when he proposes. Women eh? Don't know what they want!

Another act break, and we're back with... the same bloody people in the same bloody room. Having essentially the same conversation. This is a slow one, to be sure. This time around though, the fatigue is getting to them; I count no less than 3 line fluffs in the space of 2 minutes, from Joe and the Lady of the Manor. Line fluffs are always fun. Relatively speaking.

After a bit of an argument where Joe and the Lady of the Manor gang up on Floozy Daughter; not like that; to try to get her to marry him, she's saved by the return of Vicky W; I was worrying we weren't gonna see her again this ep, I was getting withdrawal symptoms; to whom she has a wee bit of a breakdown. She wants to leave! But she's scared! A likely story! I reckon she just doesn't want to leave her crushes; Creepy Uncle Roger and Vicky W.

Meanwhile, Joe and the Lady of the Manor are still having a chat, this time about Burke of the Chin, one of many characters who hasn't appeared in this episode, now that I think about it. At the mention of his name the dramatic music swells, and she gets this look on her face;

so you know she aint happy. Ructions be brewing, yo!

Except not the ones we think. Or hope. Or whatever. He tells her of the attempt by Burke of the Chin to recruit him; so I guess he's loyal and the alliance isn't happening; but as soon as he mentions that Burke knows about Vicky W that's it, she's out of there. Oh Joe, you've really done it this time!

Oh Joe!

As the episode draws ever closer to it's no doubt thrilling cliffhanger ending, we get a confrontation between the Lady of the Manor and Vicky W. The one is unhappy about being checked up on, the other unhappy about being lied to. With so much bad blood, it's only natural that it end in a massive catfig... Oh, Lady of the Manor convinced Vicky W that all's well. And that's the end of it. Bit of a missed opportunity there, Dark Shadows writer dudes. Lady of the Manor does find time to slip in another line fluff though, so it's not all wasted time.

I thought that would be it for the episode, but there's a wee bit of a coda, with the woman at the foundling home; you know, the woman Vicky W was talking to at the top of the ep, 97 hours ago; dictating a letter to Vicky W. It seems that shortly after their phone call, a private eye came snooping, asking almost the same questions as Vicky W. Oooh, the plot doth thicken; aye, verily doth it do so.

(No, I've no idea why she's writing a letter and not calling her back. Maybe to keep the plot from developing any kind of forward momentum? That does seem to be a primary concern.)

And that is the end of the episode. No sign of Burke of the Chin, Creepy Uncle Roger, Devil Child David, Sam who only talks in Riddles, or... but who needs that lot when we've got Slightly Dim, Possibly Still Main Squeeze Joe, and Line Fluff Queen, the Lady of the Manor? 

Join me next week as I venture into the deep, dark, chilling depths of thrill drenched drama that is... Dark Shadows Episode 9!

Dark Shadows Episode 9

In the last episode Vicky did some digging and discovered she was being lied to  by her employer, confronted her employer, and was talked around by her employer. Also Joe proposed to Caroline, who may or may not have said yes; the scene lasted so long and went round in circles so much I'm not sure how it resolved.

And that's pretty much it. Not much I know, but this is a show that believes in taking it's time. So join me now as we enter Collinwood House once more, with Dark Shadows episode 9.

As tradition dictates, we begin with a voiceover from Vicky W:

My name is Victoria Winters. In the short time I've been here, Collinwood has made me a part of it's strangeness; a strangeness that seems to reach out and touch everyone, and everything, that lives within it's walls. For the past can be a prison; not only for me, but for others; for all those driven by fears of the future.

Truer words...

Anyway, after a brief scene of a dude called Bill Malloy (who I seem to recall being mentioned in passing as working for the Collins family at their shipping business) trying to get in touch with Burke Devlin (he of the chin) at his hotel, but being rebuffed, we're back on up to Collinwood. The lady of the manor is clearing away the tea things when the doorbell rings and it's... Bill Malloy! Dude moves fast.

There's some talk of sardine prices before Floozy Daughter Caroline comes in to remind us of the Vicky storyline, which manages to derail any chance the conversation might have had of giving us some juicy gossip about Burke of the Chin (who's very good looking, according to Floozy Daughter), because Bill goes off on one about how she needs to be married off and out of the house. What's it to him? Getting above his station if you ask me.

"Liz, things are gonna start happening in this house. And that girl is going to see dreams...ghosts...that she never even knew existed!"

God I hope so.

Anyway, the lady of the manor; I'm getting tired of typing that, her name's Elizabeth; and Bill forge a pact to stop Burke in whatever he's doing before he stirs up any ghosts (and incidentally, I reckon Bill is totally trying to get in Elizabeth's knickers).

While all this is going on, Vicky W is upstairs writing a letter, because she's forgotten that phones exist again, when she's interrupted by Caroline, who seems to spend all her time wandering around looking for people to interrupt. She tells Vicky W all about how high the cliffs are, and how many people have killed themselves by jumping off them, and also the fact that most of them had had Vicky W's job. Because Caroline is a morbid cow.

Down there, see? That's where you'll die, see? Do you see?

She's not just there to put the shits up Vicky W though; oh no, she's also looking to have a bit of a complain about how she hates her life at Collinwood but isn't brave enough to get out, like when Joe asked her to marry him and she said no (ah, so she said no). Conversation then turns to Burke of the Chin, and how Vicky W had just had coffee with him...

Caroline: Oh, you did? Well tell me about him. What's he really like?

Viewers lean in, this is it, talk of Burke...

And we cut back to Bill and Elizabeth. This show is determined to tell us nothing of him for as long as possible, isn't it?

But wait, they're talking about Burke! At last! Bill thinks Burke has come back because he intends to somehow seize control of all the Collins businesses. Bill seems like a smart dude. But before we get any more of his wisdom there;s a banging at the door. WHOEVER COULD IT BE?

Well we have to wait until after the act break to find out, and when we do it's... no-one! There's no-one there! What devilry is this?

Well, Elizabeth thinks she knows what's up. She blames Devil Child David. Whether she's right or not, we'll just have to wait and see. The scare has given her an epiphany though; she's not going to live in fear. Until she knows exactly what Burke is up to, she's not going to worry about him. It's actually a fairly healthy attitude, considering he hasn't actually done anything all that villainous. Of course, it'll probably end with her being garroted or something, but on the surface, healthy.

Then we're back to Vicky and Caroline squealing over Burke; and a rather odd conversation, by today's standards, in which Caroline gets all excited at the idea that Burke likes to discipline women, because that's what you want in a man old enough to be your Dad; before quickly heading back down to Bill and Elizabeth.

 The two of them have moved on from discussing Burke and are back to trying to figure out how to get Caroline out of the house. They aren't going to marry her off anymore; oh no, now they have a better plan! They'll send her out of town! Bill arranges for her to join a friend of his on their holiday, under the guise of being someone to keep their daughter company. I like Bill; he gets shit done.

 Caroline is off into town to post Vickie's letter for her/flirt with woman slapper Burke when she finds out their plan, and she isn't happy. She sees right through the feeble justifications and knows exactly why they want her gone. She's not as dumb as she looks/acts/blatantly is when the story doesn't require different. Seems that she's not going on holiday after all. Ah well, nice try Bill.

Silly Bill. What are you like?

After that we just get a brief scene of Caroline arriving at the hotel and phoning Burke to ask if she can come up to see him in his room. Floozy Daughter is Floozing again. One last cheesy grin from her, and roll credits.

So that was episode 9. Once again, only 4 cast members and 3 sets used; this show really knows how to keep things simple. When you get right down to it, the plot barely moved an inch and what forward momentum we did get was in the last 30 seconds, with Caroline making her move on Burke. Still, no-one ever said this was fast paced.

Join us next time for episode 10, to find out the roots of Devil Child David's knocky nine doors fetish, why Vicky W has selective memory loss when it comes to communication aids, and whether or not Burke of the Chin is going to give Floozy Daughter Caroline the spanking she obviously craves. Maybe.

Until then, watch out for ghosts.

Dark Shadows Episode 7

Hello, and welcome to Episode 7 of Dark Shadows! Are you excited? Of course you are, you don't need to tell me.

So what will we see this episode? Will Floozy Daughter Caroline continue on her trek into mysteriousness, or was that just a result of her misjudging a line reading? How many people will tell Vicky W to turn around and go home? And will we ever find out why everyone is in such a tizz over the return of Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus? For that matter, will we even see Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus? Let's find out...

We begin, as ever, with one of Vicky W's ominous voice-overs:

My name is Victoria Winters. The dead past drifts through the corridors of Collinwood, and settles like dust in it's corners. Spurred by hope and surrounded by fear, my search continues, as life itself continues; not only for me, but for everyone else in this strange corner of the world: people who live with their own fear, their own hopes.

We open on Sam Evans, last seen harassing Vicky W on a clifftop. He mumbles some cod philosophical mutterings about time and having his hours stolen, because his watch has stopped you see, before being interrupted by Creepy Uncle Roger, who's broken in to Sam's house to wait for him. He wants a chat, but what about? You'll have to wait to find out, because that's the teaser done, and it's time for some spooky music.

We're back. Sam's still in a philosophical mood and Roger is having none of it, he's straight to business. It seems Roger and Sam have a history with Burke Devlin, a history that goes back 10 years to before Devlins training with the Dastardly Chorus. But what could that history be? Whatever it is, neither of them are happy that he's back. Although Sam seems quite amused at how upset this is making Roger. Bad blood there, I think.

In the end, Roger decides he can handle Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus if he comes at him direct, but not if he goes at Sam. And as for Sam...well, the man seems to speak entirely in riddles.

"You don't have to be afraid of any of my actions. I am what I have become. I'll do nothing".

You are what you have become have you old son? I see. And how many hours did it take you to become what you've become? Was it a lot of hours? Did someone steal any of those hours, thus putting you behind schedule in the becoming what you were due to become stakes?


Next we head to the cafe where Line Fluffing Waitress is serving Burke Devlin of the Dastardly... you know what, let's just call him Burke of the Chin.

LFW is being flirtatious with Burke of the Chin, doing the old 'you must remember me' routine, despite the fact that she must have been about 7 when he left town. If only Floozy Daughter didn't have that title sewn up... never mind LFW, your day will come.

Flirtations, and not very subtle hints about a trial, are interrupted by the arrival of Vicky W. It seems that the 'kerbs that creep up on you' that she was warned about last episode gave her a free pass this time; maybe I'll get my flaming car wreck when she drives home. Turns out Vicky W's  big mysterious purpose for coming into town was to...make a phone call. Yeah, dramatic shit be going down in Collinsport tonight!

After an exchange that would seem to reveal Burke of the Chin's motive for coming to town; he wants to take Collinwood!!! Maybe; he sneaks off to eavesdrop on and/or chat to Vicky W. We'll find out which in due course.

Then it's back to Sam's house. Roger is still there and the conversation has moved on a touch, because now they're arguing. Roger looks ripe to cut a bitch, now that he knows Sam was snooping around up at the big house. You know, back in episode whatever it was...4 I think. Can you believe we're still less than 24 hours in, in story time? Anyway, Sam isn't supposed to be up at the house, and he certainly shouldn't have been talking to Vicky W! Roger be maaaaad!

Roger phones Collinwood to check with Vicky W. about Sam's version of events, vis a vis their encounter. She isn't there though, is she? No, because she's in the cafe, making a phone call and being stalked by Burke of the Chin. Roger doesn't know that though, and upon learning of her absence from the house he heads out to find her 'before she finds Burke Devlin.' Best get a shuffle on dude.

Shit! Too late! Vicky W. can't get through to whoever she's trying to call, and immediately upon leaving the phone booth she's accosted by Burke of the Chin. I told you to hurry up Roger! What are you like?

Halfway point of the episode, here. Let's review. Floozy Daughter hasn't appeared, and no-one has told Vicky W. to go home. So far the only thing on my wishlist to actually look like coming true is that we're getting some revelations about Burke of the Chin. One out of three aint bad. Back to it...

When we fade back in, Vicky W is having a bit of a sit down and a nice cuppa with Burke of the Chin. He's grilling her about her reasons for coming to Collinsport, and she allows him to for much longer than I would. He's being flirtatious and charming and only fluffing his line very occasionally which is probably a nice change for her, so that could explain it. In the end though, she's had enough and is out of there...until she isn't, because he promises to change the subject. Which he doesn't, so I'm not entirely sure why she doesn't headbutt him and leave. She's perhaps of better breeding than me.

Meanwhile, Roger has arrived! He's out in the lobby; did I mention the cafe is in a hotel? I'm sure I did. Anyway, Roger is in the lobby and LFW is there too. He asks after Vicky W and LFW points him in the right direction but when he learns from LFW that Burke of the Chin is also there he does a runner. Roger you coward! You weren't this shy about throwing your weight around with poor Sam!

It's worth pointing out that LFW seems to have a very meaningful look on her face after seeing him scared off.

Oh, and she's Sam's daughter too. I would have mentioned that sooner but...well...I only just clicked, all right? Even though I now realise that they have made numerous references to it. Shut up.

Back to Vicky W and she's suddenly having the time of her life with Burke of the Chin. She's a changeable one, that's for sure. He's telling of his childhood belief that Collinwood was haunted. How absurd!

Then she's off to see about making that phone call, Burke is intrigued to hear that Roger wouldn't see him, and LFW is making references to Sam's drinking, which piques Burke's curiosity. And they're all playing another round of musical locations.

Sam's house now, and sure enough, he's pouring a drink. And talking to himself. In riddles. Apparently, right, he doesn't really exist. Who knew? Anyway, he gets a phone call from LFW to tell him Burke of the Chin is coming over, and just as he starts to panic...Burke of the Chin is there! Striding into the house like he owns the place. And seeming very keen to... shake Sam's hand. The swine!

It's an odd scene this. Sam is crapping his pants, which confuses Burke of the Chin  who seems genuinely to just want to say hello to his old friend. Could it be that whatever part Sam played, in whatever dark thing that happened to Burke in the dim and distant past, Burke is unaware of it. Is he there for revenge on Roger, and Roger alone? Is he even there for revenge at all? Perhaps this whole storyline is one big red herring. Who can tell? Sam ushers Burke out of his house, and that's the end of that.

I honestly thought that that would be the end of the episode, judging by the time on the clock, but no! There's more! Vicky W is still waiting for that phone call to go through. Woman has the patience of a saint; if she was around today O2 would love her. Anyway, she finally gets through to the care home; so that's who she was calling and asks to be put through to a Miss Hopewell. 'And tell her it's important! It's very important!'

And that's the end of the episode.

So what have we learned? We've learned that Burke of the Chin is interested in taking over Collinwood. Maybe. We've learned that whatever drove Burke to leave ten years ago was something to do with a trial. And we've learned that both Roger and Sam were involved, although it's possible that Burke doesn't know about Sam.

Also, Vicky W will wait forever to make a phone call, so long as there is a charming, if slightly sinister, older man to flirt with. Maybe she just likes chins?

I hope you enjoyed episode 7 of Dark Shadows. Join me next week when I watch...hang on...I know this...episode 8 of Dark Shadows. That's it.

Oh, and as a new feature, here is this weeks episode, in it's entirety. Just in case you want to watch with me. Go on, give it a try. (Linked from Jackie Wilson's youtube channel)

Dark Shadows Episode 6

We're back, with Episode 6 of Dark Shadows. Will Floozy Daughter Caroline fulfill her long held desire to copulate with her uncle? Will Devil Child David explain the spooky drivel he's been spouting? And just what is Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus really up to in Collinsport? These, and many other questions, might be answered here today. Or, more likely, won't be; it's only episode 6 for God's sake! Have some patience!

Episode 6 opens, as they all do, with a melodramatic voice over by Vicky W. Feast your eyes on this little beauty.

The top of Widow's Hill is a strange and lonely place, and the great hulk of Collinwood sits like a sleeping monster on it's crest.

I know I should leave, and yet I can't; not as long as I feel the answers I've been looking for might be here. Here in the darkness, and the dust of hidden years, surrounded by the ghosts of the past and the fears of the present, I've decided to search, and hope, and wait.

Go on love, you could send that in to Penthouse.

Anyway, to the episode.

Devil Child David has gone walkabout and Vicky W, perhaps working on the understandable assumption that losing her charge on her first day on the job might not go down too well; especially since most everyone already wants her to turn around and go home; is searching the house for him. Being a bit of a proto hipster, she's doing it bottom to top, rather than top to bottom. To the cellar!

Check out the framing of this shot

She's not having much luck, although it has to be said that her searching skills leave a little bit to be desired. She finds a locked door and bangs on it for a bit, yelling at Devil Child David to show himself, but there's no reply. Suddenly, a noise! Spinning around, she finds herself face to face with a spooky dude blocking the stairs. Shit, Vicky love, you're in trouble now! And there ends the teaser.

Or it would, if daytime soaps had decent editing tech in the 60's. Or, it seems, the ability to edit at all. Instead we get her reaction, and then wait another 20 seconds as he comes down the stairs with a faintly menacing expression on his face, at a pace a geriatric snail with particularly bad arthritis wouldn't struggle to outrun. Only once every single drop of tension has been sapped, is the teaser allowed to actually end.

When we come back, Creepy Dude takes a moment out from menacing Vicky W to check that the locked door is still locked; so that's obviously not an important plot point at all; but he's soon back to questioning her in a way that's a little bit genius. In as much as he jumps his cue several times, talking over her lines to the obvious frustration of the actress. Get used to that love, I've a feeling line fluffing is gonna be a theme.

His menacing is just starting to get physical when he's interrupted by the arrival of Elizabeth Stoddart, lady of the manor. Vicky W is relieved, running to her for protection from 'this crazy man' but wait... Elizabeth knows him! Creepy Dude's name is Mathew. I prefer Creepy Dude, to be honest.

Mathew is quick to tattle on Vicky W about trying to get into the Super Secret Room, and is none too pleased to learn that she's to be living and working in the house. Lighten up, Creepy Dude, you won't make many friends with that attitude mate. Elizabeth soon puts him in his place though; talking back to the Lady of the Manor gets you nowhere in this life. Best know yo damn role, Creepy Dude.

After a stern telling off for Vicky W about being where she shouldn't be, she too is sent packing back upstairs, with an assurance that Devil Child David would never come into the cellar. Once she's alone, Elizabeth decides to check out the Super Secret Room. Could we be going to see inside already? Nope, she hears a sound and gets distracted. What could it be? Why, it's Devil Child David hiding in a packing crate! Never come down here indeed! Silly Lady of the Manor!

From the fade out and back in, I assume the discovery of Devil Child David was an act break. If it was, they had different ideas about what constituted an exciting cliffhanger moment back then.

Anyway, Devil Child David is convinced Elizabeth is going to hit him, because 'that's what my Father would do', lending yet more credence to Floozy Daughter Caroline's assertions as to what a nice man he is. Elizabeth reassures him that that kind of thing won't happen in her house, thank you very much, whether your Father is my Brother or not. DCD seems unconvinced. He lets it go though, because he has far more important things on his mind; like getting Vicky W fired. Elizabeth is having none of that either though. Better luck next time, DCD.

Upstairs, Vicky W is having another confrontation with Creepy Dude. She tries to make friends but he just wants to clean the fireplace.

Creepy Dude be creepy

Man's got a work ethic, love, just let him be about his business. It's not to be though, and her feminine wiles eventually get him to open up about his fondness for the Lady of the Manor, due to all the times she's been good to him over the years. Perhaps she isn't so bad after all?

Oh, what's that you say? She sacked an entire household staff for no reason on a whim one day? Right.

Creepy Dude doesn't seem quite so creepy anymore after this scene, which is a shame as I quite like typing Creepy Dude. Oh well, Mathew it is. Before he leaves, he does warn Vicky W about minding her own business around the house. It's no 'turn around and go home', but he's trying to get into the spirit at least.

And that's act II done. Are you as thrilled as I am?

When we come back the Lady of the Manor is still in the basement with DCD. She's trying to give him a book to read. It's an x-box he's angling for, does she know nothing about child psychology? In the course of giving over the book, she produces the absolute mother of fluffs:

'I have a whole crate of them. I'll have MartinMarkMathew take them up to your room.'

He's just been extolling your virtues woman, and you need three goes to get his name right! He'd be gutted if he knew. Poor LucasBenedictMathew :(

Devil Child David

Of course once DCD learns that the books once belonged to his Dad he wants nothing to do with them and the whining begins again.There's some interesting stuff in here though. We learn that his Father has told him, in as many words, that he hates him; Floozy Daughter Caroline really is a hell of a judge of character; and that his mother can't come home because she's 'not well'. Hmm, future appearance by escaped mental patient? Something to look forward to there.

Work that flooze, Floozy Daughter

Back upstairs; talk about economy, this entire episode seems to be taking place in 2 rooms; and Floozy Daughter Caroline is making an appearance.She's hassling Vicky W to ask questions about her past and how she might be connected to the Collins family. She rushes off once the Lady of the Manor shows up, to take a phone call from Main Squeeze and then head into town, to flooze the night away no doubt, leaving Vicky and her nibs to have a chat.

After yet another fade out; because you can never squeeze too many ads into a 20 minute show; we see a tense confrontation between Vicky W and the Lady of the Manor. Vicky is throwing around all sorts of veiled, and not so veiled, insinuations about the Collins family and her own past as an abandoned baby. She's giving it big licks, but the Lady doesn't seem to want to bite. Is she really as oblivious as she claims? Or is the actress drunk? Who can tell?

Some of my favourite porn scenes start exactly like this

Things get pretty heated; at one point the Lady even comes close to unclasping her hands from behind her back; but in the end Vicky W backs down. Oh Vicky, you were so close!

Following the anti climactic interrogation Vicky W decides to head into town, for whatever reason, I don't know, she just does ok. She borrows the car from Floozy Daughter Caroline, whose own trip into town has been postponed, due to Main Squeeze having announced that he was coming up to the house to speak to her and the Lady of the Manor. I can only assume he wants a little Mother/Daughter 3-way action.

Caroline warns Vicky W to 'watch out for the kerbs on the way down, they sneak up on you.' That's not an ominous comment at all. Once Vicky leaves, Caroline announces to her Mother that 'one of our old ghosts is starting to rattle around a bit.' Ooh, very meaningful there Floozy Daughter, but you can't really carry it off. You should leave that shit to the professionals, Creepy LucasMarioMathew would have nailed it.

And that's the end of that episode. Floozy Daughter didn't get to shag her creepy Uncle, DCD didn't explain any of his crazy nonsense about The Widows and Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus didn't even show up at all. I can see this show is gonna demand patience.

Dark Shadows Episodes 1-5

The decision to start this blog came after I had been watching Dark Shadows for about a week. I had to decide whether to go back and re-watch, in order to write posts for the 5 episodes I'd already watched. In the end I figured that that would be no fun for me, and isn't that the main thing, after all?

As it turns out though, the first 5 episodes of Dark Shadows actually lend themselves very well to being lumped together as one. In fact, in terms of content they would work very well as a 'pilot'; with a few nips and tucks and adjustments for pace of course. I'm pretty sure you could re-cut these 5 eps into a tight little hour. Anyway, here's the story so far from episodes 1-5 of Dark Shadows.

 Victoria Winters; special skills, expository voice overs; arrives in tiny township Collinsport to take up a position as a nanny for a local power family. Arriving on the same train is wonderfully monikered Burke Devlin, fresh from a summer stint with the Dick Dastardly Chorus, and all set to bring down some shit on the local power fam... oh, do you see what they did there?

After a brief flashback to her old digs in New York, where we learn that Vicky W is an orphan who has been receiving mysterious cash gifts from someone in the same part of the country as this job offer she never applied for, we see her make her way, veeeeerry slowly, to Collinwood, home of the Collins family.

Along the way she has an encounter with the local inn keeper, who tells her she should turn around and go home, and the waitress in the cafe; special skills, not being able to say her lines properly; who tells her that she should turn around and go home. She also chats to Devlin for a little while. He tells her she should turn around and go home.

Girl can't take a hint though, and eventually she reaches Collinwood. Here she's greeted by Elizabeth, lady of the manner; special skills, smashing cafe waitress ladies into the ground like blonde tent pegs in not being able to say your lines properly competitions. But this is not our first encounter, as the audience, with Elizabeth. Oh no.

Elizabeth and Roger. Devil Child David not pictured.

Earlier, while Vicky W was making her interminable way up the fog shrouded roads to the castle on the cliff, we saw Elizabeth meeting with her brother, Roger. Roger isn't happy that Elizabeth has hired Vicky W to look after his son. He thinks she should turn around and go home. Also in this meeting, we learn that Roger considers his son, whom Vicky W will be looking after, to be the devil. All right mate, calm down, so he runs in the corridor and likes to look at your 'special' mags that you hide behind the wardrobe; its not the end of the world.

Anyway, Vicky W meets Elizabeth's daughter; special skills, dancing really badly to generic jaunty music in rubbish bar sets; who tells her that if she has any sense she'll turn around and go home. But wait, plot twist! She thinks she should leave, but doesn't actually want her to, because she wants a friend her own age. She's lonely, is all, the poor dear. Of course the other time we see her she's partying like a good 'un at aforementioned bar with about 30 equally rubbish dancers of her own age so...

It's in this bar that we meet Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus again and he's having a secret meeting with a private investigator he sent up ahead of time to get the lay of the land. This guy is very thorough, and has detailed psychological profiles on every character we've met so far and more besides. He's either done some incredible Sherlock Holmes style deductive shit, or he's nicked the series bible from the production office. Either way, it's clear that Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus is up to no good, but we know not what that is at this stage.

While we're in the bar we see Elizabeth's daughter having a wee bit of a provocative dance/bizarre fit, with a boy that's not her main squeeze. Then another one! The utter floozy! Of course this rubs up Main Squeeze the wrong way and a fight almost breaks out, but Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus puts a stop to it and has a sneaky word with Main Squeeze. Could an alliance be forming there? Watch this space.

Back up at Collinwood, Vicky W is interrogated by Roger, who has learned that Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus is back in town. Back in town? Oh yes, there's a history here, to be sure. But what? We don't know, but whatever it is it has Roger in a tizz. After talking to Vicky W like shit for a bit, then apologising, he runs off to do some digging. Whatever Devlin is up to, he's sure it's going to be bad news for him.

We get another weird little conversation with Floozy Daughter and Vicky W, wherein FD tells Vicky W that Uncle Roger is awfully nice once you get to know him, and oh, isn't he so handsome? Er... FD then has a bit of a rant about how Elizabeth wants her to marry Main Squeeze, but 'how could anyone be expected to marry such a dull boy when handsome and charming Uncle Roger is around?' Yeeeaaaahhh. Ok.

After 4 episodes Vicky W finally gets to go to bed, or so she thinks. First she has to deal with a run in with Devil Child David, and a creepier little shit you've never seen in your life, so fair play to the casting agent there. He menaces her a bit and she decides to, wait for it, turn around and go home.

Next morning, Floozy Daughter, who I suppose we can call Caroline, for that's her name, attempts to talk Vicky W into staying. Having none of it, our intrepid heroine heads off for a walk along the cliff, where she meets a weird stranger called Sam, who talks in portentous riddles and, you'll never guess, tells her to turn around and go home. I SHIT YOU NOT.

Whilst Vicky W is off for her walk, Devil Child David trashes her room and when she returns to catch him in the act he tears up her only memento of her childhood. The little sod! Then he says something a wee bit odd.

"The widows told me to make you leave"

Oh really? The widows you say? Hmmm, intriguing intrigue, in a vaguely intriguing way. We don't find out who the widows are though, because he runs out of the room in that patented 'kid who doesn't have any lines left in the scene so he has to get out of the way quickly because he can't be trusted not to fuck up the scene in the background' way that child actors have.

Vicky W

Then Vicky W, because she is apparently an imbecile, changes her mind and decides to stick around. Which is lucky, because without her expository voiceovers this show would be fucked.

And there you have the events of the first 5 episodes of Dark Shadows. I hope I managed to get across just how awesome and thrill packed the show is, and I hope you will join me for future episodes. Until next time then, au revoir.