Last time on Dark Shadows, Constable Awesome figured out that Devil Child David was responsible for trying to kill Creepy Roger, and said Creepy Roger resolved to have said Devil Child committed. Lizzie S put the kibosh on both of them though, when she formulated a cunning 'It was all a big misunderstanding after all' argument and got the whole investigation shut down. Because she loves David. For some reason.
Let's see what happens now that the car crash storyline is finally over...
My name is Victoria Winters. It seems like years since I came here to Collinwood, where the tension halts the flow of time, but the days have passed and I am no closer to the answers I had hoped to find; answers I feel are rooted within the paneled walls of this great mansion, and in the heart of the woman that never leaves its grounds.
Quite a clever little expository voiceover there. Dual purpose, so to speak. It makes it clear that today's episode will probably focus on Vicky W's past, and Lizzie S's secrets, whilst at the same time getting in some pre-emptive excuses for why the plot is barely going to progress an inch. The tension halts the flow of time indeed. Fuckers.
As the dulcet tones of Vicky W fades out we focus in on Lizzie S, sitting all alone in the dark, stewing over her recent idiocy; she had a chance to get rid of Devil Child David and didn't take it, the mad fool; when who should arrive home but the lovely Caroline, who naturally enough is concerned for her Mother.
They have a little bit of chat and then Lizzie S starts begging Caroline to be happy, in a slightly desperate way. I think she's going off her rocker, to be honest. Anyway, cue titles.
|Quality Mother Daughter time|
Lizzie s tells her that she should stop worrying about Burke and show some concern for David.
Caroline: I'd rather have one friend like Burke, than ten cousins like that little monster.
Someone should set up a factory making DAVID COLLINS IS A MONSTER badges in Collinsport. They'd be a millionaire inside a month.
Once the David bashing is out of the way conversation turns to Caroline's happiness, because after all that's the only thing Lizzie S lives for. Could have fooled me, but whatever. Caroline jokes about running away with Burke of the Chin; next best thing if she can't have incestuous rumpy pumpy with Creepy Uncle Roger; but soon gets serious and tells Lizzie S once and for all that her preferred suitor, Main Squeeze Joe, is off the table. She's just not that into him, yo! She looks quite sad when she says it, too.
Burke, because he's Burke, manages to get Joe to open up about his problems and it turns out that not only will Caroline not marry him, but his mate from work that he was about to go into business with has pulled out on account of his wife is preggers and they can't afford to take the financial risk. Poor Joe, his world is falling apart around his ears and he can't even get sloshed in peace because he's got Burke whispering in his ear.
Burke: Well, maybe this is a little lesson for ya, Joe. Marriage isn't always the answer. Sometimes it gets in the way.
|He's giving it some thought, at least|
Back up at the house Lizzie S and Caroline are having a nice little chat about...whoa! About marriage and whether its the answer! What are the chances of that happening, eh?
Lizzie S wants Caroline married just so she'll move out of Collinwood; not because she wants rid, because how could you want rid of that bundle of adorableness; but because she thinks it isn't safe there. Caroline says she can't leave because now that David is gonna be gone there'll be no need to have Vicky W stay on, and that would mean Lizzie S would be all alone.
Once Lizzie explains that David won't be going anywhere and they're going to carry on as before, Caroline has a little bit of a fit. She thinks, and it's hard to fault her logic, that none of them will be safe with David around.
Lizzie S: He's my nephew!
Caroline: Well I'm sure Jack The Ripper had an Aunt somewhere.
Lizzie S has one more go at persuading Caroline to marry Joe and fuck off out of it, before we fade out. When we come back, we're upstairs with...
She's reading the note that was left with her when she was abandoned as a baby. Caroline comes a-knocking and they have a conversation that doesn't really forward the plot at all; they talk about how Vicky hasn't found out anything new since arriving, and how Caroline would be lonely Vicky left; but does reinforce that these two are really fucking cute anytime they're onscreen together.
|Bundle of adorableness|
Speaking of Burke of the Chin, he's working his seductive magic elsewhere at the moment, as Joe continues to spill his guts. We aren't treading water this time though because Joe lets something quite interesting slip.
Joe: You think I don't know what's happened to her up on that hill? But did I ever come right out and tell her? No, because I'm a mouse. And I'm not gonna say anymore, either, because the writer is a teasing tit.
Burke tries to get him to expound on this statement, but he's off his head and rambling, and he's already moved on to the next thing. But you know Burke isn't gonna forget. After a bit of an argument over whether Joe should have any more to drink he storms off, insisting that he's had enough of being a pushover. Wonder where he's headed, eh?
Up at the house, Vicky W is putting her coat on and chatting to Lizzie S about going into town when there's an almighty banging on the door. Surely not. Already?
He tells her she'll never marry him or anyone else because she's too scared to, and that she's gonna end up a lonely old spinster sitting in Collinwood.
He tells Lizzie that it's all her fault, for being such a weird old recluse, and making Caroline think that's what marriage does to you.
And he tells Vicky W that Collinwood is a prison, and that if she stays there much longer she'll be as nuts as the rest of them.
Fucking Joe, ladies and gentlemen! I never thought I'd see the day that that guy was my favourite part of an episode. Maybe he could fill Constable Awesome's shoes, now that their is no crime to investigate.
I think he struck a nerve, with Lizzie S.
|Sad Lizzie is sad|
Back down at the tavern, Burke is still chilling out. He must have been there hours at this point, cos he was there with Joe for ages, and it must have taken a while for Joe to get up to the house. He must be hammered!
And here's Vicky W! So he's been there even longer than I thought! (Also, I was totally right about where Vicky was going. I'm clearly a genius.)
|Sit down, my pretty.|
And that's the end of the episode. It wasn't quite what I was expecting but it whipped along quite nicely; Joe coming out of his shell and becoming an actually pretty cool character was a very nice surprise, seeing some proper acknowledgment of Lizzie S's recluse status was overdue, and it's nice that everyone isn't just going to roll over and forget that David is a psychotic little murder baby.
I just hope they can keep it up. Less than 1200 episodes to go!