In last weeks episode, we got lots of juicy hints about Burke of the Chin's past; what is this trial folk keep speaking of; but nothing really about what he wanted now he'd come back to town, and Vicky W made a secretive phone call to her old home. Tense shit, to be sure. Join me now as we delve into episode 8 of Daaaaaark Shadooooows. *ahem*
We begin, as twas ever so, with a spooky voiceover from Vicky W:
My name is Victoria Winters. The devils of a forgotten time have found their home on the crest of Widow's Hill, and the great house echoes with their pain. It's a lonely and frightening world, but for me it's a place of hope; a place where the winds of the past, can bring the answers for the future.
So the teaser is basically Floozy Daughter and The Lady of the Manor telling each other, and us, the plot of the first 7 episodes, and restating the mysteries. This show went out daily for christsakes, how bad were 60's memories? Get a move on!
The episode proper starts with Vicky W; who I'm definitely starting to get a bit of a thing for; still in that phone booth trying to place a call to her old foundlings home. She's not the least bit convinced by the blather she's being fed up at the big house, because she's not a moron, and is checking to see if her old friend there knows anything about this mysterious family who just popped into her life from nowhere. Surprising no-one, it turns out she's been lied to from the off. Those swines!
Back to the big house and Main Squeeze Joe still hasn't arrived for his Mother/Daughter 3-way with the Lady of the Manor and Floozy Daughter! It was 2 episodes ago at least, that they said he was on his way! Even the imminent prospect of hunky teen man flesh can't stop them discussing whether it was a good idea to bring Vicky W to the house, and worrying about their lies to her being discovered, though. Bloody one track minds these people.
He does get a brief mention at the end of the scene though.
Don't they both look so excited at the prospect?
The conversation takes some weird turns, almost as if they were making it up as they went along, or saying the lines in the wrong order, but the gist seems to be that Vicky W was brought up to replace Floozy Daughter so she could go and marry Main Squeeze Joe, but now Lady of the Manor wants to get rid of her; Floozy Daughter likes her (a lot more than she likes Main Squeeze, is the vibe I'm getting, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink), but has no intention of marrying Main Squeeze; Lady of the Manor will keep Vicky W around, but only for Floozy Daughter, no other reason. So basically, 'If she discovers all our dirty secrets and fucks us over, it's YOUR FAULT!'
That last paragraph makes little sense, I realise. I watched the scene 3 times and I'm not convinced it did, either. I think they just threw in loads of extra lines to make up the running time and ended up forgetting what they were trying to say in the first place. Either that or the whole show is nonsense. But that can't be, right?
Anyway, it's act break time and when we come back... Finally! Main Squeeze Joe has arrived. He's a smooth devil, with separate bouquets of flowers for each woman; maybe he is after a cheeky 3-way after all! Settle down Joe, lad, I was only kidding!
After a wee bit of a flirt with the lady of the Manor he's in to see Floozy Daughter, who for her part is not feeling in a particularly flooze conducive mood, because she's having none of his advances. Leave her be, you fool, can't you see she's on the other team? Or, the same team as you? Or... I'm saying she's blatantly lesbianising over Vicky W. Poor Main Squeeze Joe may not be Main Squeeze for long. :( He should try his luck with the Mother; I reckon she's well up for it.
There is a brief flicker of enthusiasm when (Main Squeeze?) Joe talks of getting a promotion, with accompanying $25 a week pay raise, but the laughter and copious quantities of smoochies soon disappears again when he proposes. Women eh? Don't know what they want!
Another act break, and we're back with... the same bloody people in the same bloody room. Having essentially the same conversation. This is a slow one, to be sure. This time around though, the fatigue is getting to them; I count no less than 3 line fluffs in the space of 2 minutes, from Joe and the Lady of the Manor. Line fluffs are always fun. Relatively speaking.
After a bit of an argument where Joe and the Lady of the Manor gang up on Floozy Daughter; not like that; to try to get her to marry him, she's saved by the return of Vicky W; I was worrying we weren't gonna see her again this ep, I was getting withdrawal symptoms; to whom she has a wee bit of a breakdown. She wants to leave! But she's scared! A likely story! I reckon she just doesn't want to leave her crushes; Creepy Uncle Roger and Vicky W.
Meanwhile, Joe and the Lady of the Manor are still having a chat, this time about Burke of the Chin, one of many characters who hasn't appeared in this episode, now that I think about it. At the mention of his name the dramatic music swells, and she gets this look on her face;
so you know she aint happy. Ructions be brewing, yo!
Except not the ones we think. Or hope. Or whatever. He tells her of the attempt by Burke of the Chin to recruit him; so I guess he's loyal and the alliance isn't happening; but as soon as he mentions that Burke knows about Vicky W that's it, she's out of there. Oh Joe, you've really done it this time!
As the episode draws ever closer to it's no doubt thrilling cliffhanger ending, we get a confrontation between the Lady of the Manor and Vicky W. The one is unhappy about being checked up on, the other unhappy about being lied to. With so much bad blood, it's only natural that it end in a massive catfig... Oh, Lady of the Manor convinced Vicky W that all's well. And that's the end of it. Bit of a missed opportunity there, Dark Shadows writer dudes. Lady of the Manor does find time to slip in another line fluff though, so it's not all wasted time.
I thought that would be it for the episode, but there's a wee bit of a coda, with the woman at the foundling home; you know, the woman Vicky W was talking to at the top of the ep, 97 hours ago; dictating a letter to Vicky W. It seems that shortly after their phone call, a private eye came snooping, asking almost the same questions as Vicky W. Oooh, the plot doth thicken; aye, verily doth it do so.
(No, I've no idea why she's writing a letter and not calling her back. Maybe to keep the plot from developing any kind of forward momentum? That does seem to be a primary concern.)
And that is the end of the episode. No sign of Burke of the Chin, Creepy Uncle Roger, Devil Child David, Sam who only talks in Riddles, or... but who needs that lot when we've got Slightly Dim, Possibly Still Main Squeeze Joe, and Line Fluff Queen, the Lady of the Manor?
Join me next week as I venture into the deep, dark, chilling depths of thrill drenched drama that is... Dark Shadows Episode 9!