Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Dark Shadows Episode 6

We're back, with Episode 6 of Dark Shadows. Will Floozy Daughter Caroline fulfill her long held desire to copulate with her uncle? Will Devil Child David explain the spooky drivel he's been spouting? And just what is Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus really up to in Collinsport? These, and many other questions, might be answered here today. Or, more likely, won't be; it's only episode 6 for God's sake! Have some patience!

Episode 6 opens, as they all do, with a melodramatic voice over by Vicky W. Feast your eyes on this little beauty.

The top of Widow's Hill is a strange and lonely place, and the great hulk of Collinwood sits like a sleeping monster on it's crest.

I know I should leave, and yet I can't; not as long as I feel the answers I've been looking for might be here. Here in the darkness, and the dust of hidden years, surrounded by the ghosts of the past and the fears of the present, I've decided to search, and hope, and wait.

Go on love, you could send that in to Penthouse.

Anyway, to the episode.

Devil Child David has gone walkabout and Vicky W, perhaps working on the understandable assumption that losing her charge on her first day on the job might not go down too well; especially since most everyone already wants her to turn around and go home; is searching the house for him. Being a bit of a proto hipster, she's doing it bottom to top, rather than top to bottom. To the cellar!

Check out the framing of this shot
She's not having much luck, although it has to be said that her searching skills leave a little bit to be desired. She finds a locked door and bangs on it for a bit, yelling at Devil Child David to show himself, but there's no reply. Suddenly, a noise! Spinning around, she finds herself face to face with a spooky dude blocking the stairs. Shit, Vicky love, you're in trouble now! And there ends the teaser.

Or it would, if daytime soaps had decent editing tech in the 60's. Or, it seems, the ability to edit at all. Instead we get her reaction, and then wait another 20 seconds as he comes down the stairs with a faintly menacing expression on his face, at a pace a geriatric snail with particularly bad arthritis wouldn't struggle to outrun. Only once every single drop of tension has been sapped, is the teaser allowed to actually end.

When we come back, Creepy Dude takes a moment out from menacing Vicky W to check that the locked door is still locked; so that's obviously not an important plot point at all; but he's soon back to questioning her in a way that's a little bit genius. In as much as he jumps his cue several times, talking over her lines to the obvious frustration of the actress. Get used to that love, I've a feeling line fluffing is gonna be a theme.

His menacing is just starting to get physical when he's interrupted by the arrival of Elizabeth Stoddart, lady of the manor. Vicky W is relieved, running to her for protection from 'this crazy man' but wait... Elizabeth knows him! Creepy Dude's name is Mathew. I prefer Creepy Dude, to be honest.

Mathew is quick to tattle on Vicky W about trying to get into the Super Secret Room, and is none too pleased to learn that she's to be living and working in the house. Lighten up, Creepy Dude, you won't make many friends with that attitude mate. Elizabeth soon puts him in his place though; talking back to the Lady of the Manor gets you nowhere in this life. Best know yo damn role, Creepy Dude.

After a stern telling off for Vicky W about being where she shouldn't be, she too is sent packing back upstairs, with an assurance that Devil Child David would never come into the cellar. Once she's alone, Elizabeth decides to check out the Super Secret Room. Could we be going to see inside already? Nope, she hears a sound and gets distracted. What could it be? Why, it's Devil Child David hiding in a packing crate! Never come down here indeed! Silly Lady of the Manor!

From the fade out and back in, I assume the discovery of Devil Child David was an act break. If it was, they had different ideas about what constituted an exciting cliffhanger moment back then.

Anyway, Devil Child David is convinced Elizabeth is going to hit him, because 'that's what my Father would do', lending yet more credence to Floozy Daughter Caroline's assertions as to what a nice man he is. Elizabeth reassures him that that kind of thing won't happen in her house, thank you very much, whether your Father is my Brother or not. DCD seems unconvinced. He lets it go though, because he has far more important things on his mind; like getting Vicky W fired. Elizabeth is having none of that either though. Better luck next time, DCD.

Upstairs, Vicky W is having another confrontation with Creepy Dude. She tries to make friends but he just wants to clean the fireplace.

Creepy Dude be creepy

Man's got a work ethic, love, just let him be about his business. It's not to be though, and her feminine wiles eventually get him to open up about his fondness for the Lady of the Manor, due to all the times she's been good to him over the years. Perhaps she isn't so bad after all?

Oh, what's that you say? She sacked an entire household staff for no reason on a whim one day? Right.

Creepy Dude doesn't seem quite so creepy anymore after this scene, which is a shame as I quite like typing Creepy Dude. Oh well, Mathew it is. Before he leaves, he does warn Vicky W about minding her own business around the house. It's no 'turn around and go home', but he's trying to get into the spirit at least.

And that's act II done. Are you as thrilled as I am?

When we come back the Lady of the Manor is still in the basement with DCD. She's trying to give him a book to read. It's an x-box he's angling for, does she know nothing about child psychology? In the course of giving over the book, she produces the absolute mother of fluffs:

'I have a whole crate of them. I'll have MartinMarkMathew take them up to your room.'

He's just been extolling your virtues woman, and you need three goes to get his name right! He'd be gutted if he knew. Poor LucasBenedictMathew :(

Devil Child David

Of course once DCD learns that the books once belonged to his Dad he wants nothing to do with them and the whining begins again.There's some interesting stuff in here though. We learn that his Father has told him, in as many words, that he hates him; Floozy Daughter Caroline really is a hell of a judge of character; and that his mother can't come home because she's 'not well'. Hmm, future appearance by escaped mental patient? Something to look forward to there.

Work that flooze, Floozy Daughter

Back upstairs; talk about economy, this entire episode seems to be taking place in 2 rooms; and Floozy Daughter Caroline is making an appearance.She's hassling Vicky W to ask questions about her past and how she might be connected to the Collins family. She rushes off once the Lady of the Manor shows up, to take a phone call from Main Squeeze and then head into town, to flooze the night away no doubt, leaving Vicky and her nibs to have a chat.

After yet another fade out; because you can never squeeze too many ads into a 20 minute show; we see a tense confrontation between Vicky W and the Lady of the Manor. Vicky is throwing around all sorts of veiled, and not so veiled, insinuations about the Collins family and her own past as an abandoned baby. She's giving it big licks, but the Lady doesn't seem to want to bite. Is she really as oblivious as she claims? Or is the actress drunk? Who can tell?

Some of my favourite porn scenes start exactly like this

Things get pretty heated; at one point the Lady even comes close to unclasping her hands from behind her back; but in the end Vicky W backs down. Oh Vicky, you were so close!

Following the anti climactic interrogation Vicky W decides to head into town, for whatever reason, I don't know, she just does ok. She borrows the car from Floozy Daughter Caroline, whose own trip into town has been postponed, due to Main Squeeze having announced that he was coming up to the house to speak to her and the Lady of the Manor. I can only assume he wants a little Mother/Daughter 3-way action.

Caroline warns Vicky W to 'watch out for the kerbs on the way down, they sneak up on you.' That's not an ominous comment at all. Once Vicky leaves, Caroline announces to her Mother that 'one of our old ghosts is starting to rattle around a bit.' Ooh, very meaningful there Floozy Daughter, but you can't really carry it off. You should leave that shit to the professionals, Creepy LucasMarioMathew would have nailed it.

And that's the end of that episode. Floozy Daughter didn't get to shag her creepy Uncle, DCD didn't explain any of his crazy nonsense about The Widows and Burke Devlin of the Dastardly Chorus didn't even show up at all. I can see this show is gonna demand patience.

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