And that's pretty much it. Not much I know, but this is a show that believes in taking it's time. So join me now as we enter Collinwood House once more, with Dark Shadows episode 9.
As tradition dictates, we begin with a voiceover from Vicky W:
My name is Victoria Winters. In the short time I've been here, Collinwood has made me a part of it's strangeness; a strangeness that seems to reach out and touch everyone, and everything, that lives within it's walls. For the past can be a prison; not only for me, but for others; for all those driven by fears of the future.
Anyway, after a brief scene of a dude called Bill Malloy (who I seem to recall being mentioned in passing as working for the Collins family at their shipping business) trying to get in touch with Burke Devlin (he of the chin) at his hotel, but being rebuffed, we're back on up to Collinwood. The lady of the manor is clearing away the tea things when the doorbell rings and it's... Bill Malloy! Dude moves fast.
There's some talk of sardine prices before Floozy Daughter Caroline comes in to remind us of the Vicky storyline, which manages to derail any chance the conversation might have had of giving us some juicy gossip about Burke of the Chin (who's very good looking, according to Floozy Daughter), because Bill goes off on one about how she needs to be married off and out of the house. What's it to him? Getting above his station if you ask me.
"Liz, things are gonna start happening in this house. And that girl is going to see dreams...ghosts...that she never even knew existed!"
God I hope so.
Anyway, the lady of the manor; I'm getting tired of typing that, her name's Elizabeth; and Bill forge a pact to stop Burke in whatever he's doing before he stirs up any ghosts (and incidentally, I reckon Bill is totally trying to get in Elizabeth's knickers).
While all this is going on, Vicky W is upstairs writing a letter, because she's forgotten that phones exist again, when she's interrupted by Caroline, who seems to spend all her time wandering around looking for people to interrupt. She tells Vicky W all about how high the cliffs are, and how many people have killed themselves by jumping off them, and also the fact that most of them had had Vicky W's job. Because Caroline is a morbid cow.
|Down there, see? That's where you'll die, see? Do you see?|
She's not just there to put the shits up Vicky W though; oh no, she's also looking to have a bit of a complain about how she hates her life at Collinwood but isn't brave enough to get out, like when Joe asked her to marry him and she said no (ah, so she said no). Conversation then turns to Burke of the Chin, and how Vicky W had just had coffee with him...
Caroline: Oh, you did? Well tell me about him. What's he really like?
Viewers lean in, this is it, talk of Burke...
And we cut back to Bill and Elizabeth. This show is determined to tell us nothing of him for as long as possible, isn't it?
But wait, they're talking about Burke! At last! Bill thinks Burke has come back because he intends to somehow seize control of all the Collins businesses. Bill seems like a smart dude. But before we get any more of his wisdom there;s a banging at the door. WHOEVER COULD IT BE?
Well we have to wait until after the act break to find out, and when we do it's... no-one! There's no-one there! What devilry is this?
Well, Elizabeth thinks she knows what's up. She blames Devil Child David. Whether she's right or not, we'll just have to wait and see. The scare has given her an epiphany though; she's not going to live in fear. Until she knows exactly what Burke is up to, she's not going to worry about him. It's actually a fairly healthy attitude, considering he hasn't actually done anything all that villainous. Of course, it'll probably end with her being garroted or something, but on the surface, healthy.
Then we're back to Vicky and Caroline squealing over Burke; and a rather odd conversation, by today's standards, in which Caroline gets all excited at the idea that Burke likes to discipline women, because that's what you want in a man old enough to be your Dad; before quickly heading back down to Bill and Elizabeth.
The two of them have moved on from discussing Burke and are back to trying to figure out how to get Caroline out of the house. They aren't going to marry her off anymore; oh no, now they have a better plan! They'll send her out of town! Bill arranges for her to join a friend of his on their holiday, under the guise of being someone to keep their daughter company. I like Bill; he gets shit done.
Caroline is off into town to post Vickie's letter for her/flirt with woman slapper Burke when she finds out their plan, and she isn't happy. She sees right through the feeble justifications and knows exactly why they want her gone. She's not as dumb as she looks/acts/blatantly is when the story doesn't require different. Seems that she's not going on holiday after all. Ah well, nice try Bill.
|Silly Bill. What are you like?|
So that was episode 9. Once again, only 4 cast members and 3 sets used; this show really knows how to keep things simple. When you get right down to it, the plot barely moved an inch and what forward momentum we did get was in the last 30 seconds, with Caroline making her move on Burke. Still, no-one ever said this was fast paced.
Join us next time for episode 10, to find out the roots of Devil Child David's knocky nine doors fetish, why Vicky W has selective memory loss when it comes to communication aids, and whether or not Burke of the Chin is going to give Floozy Daughter Caroline the spanking she obviously craves. Maybe.
Until then, watch out for ghosts.