Dark Shadows Episode 25

It's the quarter century! I can't quite believe it's taken me this long, but I'm finally here, at episode 25 of Dark Shadows. To mark this very special occasion, I'm just going to leave this here...

That's right, every single episode of Dark Shadows opens on a looooong shot of the production slate, often propped against a chair or something with people moving around in the background, and then some dude reads it out. It's awesome!

Anyway, to the episode. We begin, as is ever the way, with an opening narration from the delectable Vicky W.

My name is Victoria Winters. The tension at Collinwood had almost made me forget the purpose for which I had come, but now a letter has arrived; a letter that once again has raised the spectre of my past, a letter that intrudes upon the present and heightens the growing fears of a nine year old boy...

Bloody Hell! That letter! I'd forgotten about that! When did we last hear about that? Ages ago, that's when! Although it's probably only been about half an hour in story time, because these lads believe in taking their time. Anyway, Devil Child David is apparently being a bit paranoid about this letter, although I don't really see why, but whatever, and he sneaks into Vicky W's room to read it. He doesn't get the chance though, since Roger barges in, snatches the letter from him and beats him senseless. Cue titles.

Alright, he doesn't beat him senseless, but you can see in his eyes that he really really wants to. Roger really fucking hates his Son. Instead, because this was going out at lunchtime, he just chases him out of the room and down the corridor. And almost bumps into the camera. Then cue titles.

Is it me, or is the title card lopsided?

We come back on David trying to lock his door but he's too late and in barges Roger to give him a stern talking to about tampering with the mail. It's an important lesson for all children to learn but he's interrupted by David whining that he thought the letter was about him because it was from an orphanage and he knows his Dad wants to send him away, so...

This is actually pretty sound logic by 10 year old standards, but Roger calms him down by telling him that... if he doesn't start behaving himself he'll have no option but to send him away. Roger Collins: SuperDad!

Roger gets tired of dealing with Devil Child Davids shit and storms off so we head downstairs for a conversation between Lady of the Manor Elizabeth and, and, it's Vicky W!! Seems like forever that she had anything to do other than the opening monologue, so let's enjoy it while it lasts.

Which is all of two minutes. Bugger! But what a two minutes! She reckons, right, and you won't believe this, but she reckons that David might have been the one who tried to kill Roger!! VICKY W FIGURES IT OUT!!

Vicky W. SuperSleuth

Shame Elizabeth doesn't believe her. Oh well.

Roger comes downstairs and Vicky is shooed out of the room with instructions to keep her possessions under lock and key in future, because after all, leaving your letters on your desk, in your private room, is just asking for trouble, am I right? Once Vicky is gone, Roger makes a smug crack about Elizabeth having a knack of 'managing people.' She retorts with, 'I hope I can do as well with you.'

Upstairs, Vicky W tries to teach Devil Child David some history but he's being a little shit so, seemingly purely to spite him, she starts interrogating him. About how he's the only one responsible for his own troubles, about why he's always talking about going to jail, and most of all, about how he 'learns a lot from those magazines he likes so much.' At this point I was worried the scene was about to take a disturbing turn, but it turns out she meant these magazines...

What do you reckon he's got tucked inside there? Eh? You know what I'm saying.

So, yeah. She's a smart cookie, is Vicky W. When the writer remembers. The scene ends with him screaming that he had nothing to do with his Dad's car and her replying with the God awful over used line, 'I don't remember accusing you.' Shame on you Vicky W! Very unoriginal! But also, Yeah! Nail the little shit!

Meanwhile, the nobs are downstairs arguing over what to do about Vicky's letter. Roger wants to set the police onto the private eye who was digging into Vicky's past, because it proves that Burke, who hired said PI, is up to something. He has a point. Elizabeth, on the other hand, doesn't want the police anywhere near the situation, because they might do a better job than he did of digging up whatever ties Vicky has to the Collins family. I must say, I'm quite eager to find out myself. As is Roger, who is as in the dark on all this as we are. For her part, Elizabeth looks sick of talking about it.

Not having a good time

But wait, now she's telling him the story that she's feeding Vicky, and tells him that if he doesn't back her up, and lie through his teeth to poor Vicky W, he can pack his bags and get out of her house. Calm down love, where's all this aggression coming from? She needs MathewMichaelMark to come and give her a foot rub, that'll sort her out.

Upstairs Vicky W and David are continuing their nice little chat about him being a scheming little protopatricidist but he turns it around by apologisng for not believing her about the contents of the letter. And if he believes her, then she has to believe him, right? Because he doesn't tell lies, honest he doesn't! Yeah right, tell it to the judge.

Roger comes up to take Vicky W off for a chat and once again the writer seems to have forgotten how these characters work because Roger is quite nice and affectionate to Devil Child David, when we all know he really wants to beat him bloody and sell him to the circus. Once the adults are gone, David proves himself to be a slimy wanknugget by heading straight to her room and going through her drawers. And not to sniff her undercrackers, no, it's all about the letter.

Not sure that's what a 10 year old boy would be fixating on in that drawer

Which he finds. And then presumably reads, although we don't see that part because we head downstairs with Roger and Vicky. Elizabeth has disappeared, God knows where to.

Roger begins to casually bring up the letter and try to reinforce the lies that Elizabeth has been feeding Vicky when... hold the phone! She remembers when she first arrived, and she questioned him about all of this shit and he said he knew nothing about it. It was a casual conversation, before he knew it mattered, and he's forgotten the whole thing but she hasn't so she knows he's contradicting himself left and right now. Nail him, Vicky! Pummel him!

No, hang on, he's talking his way out of it. Bugger. Look at her face, she's falling for it!!! No, Vicky W, you're smarter than this!!

DON'T BELIEVE HIM!!!

His smarmy answer for everything doesn't last long, because he gets a phone call from CONSTABLE AWESOME, telling him about the interview he conducted with Burke of the Chin in the last episode. Roger is incensed that Awesome didn't arrest Burke and rushes from the room with a crazed look on his face. Oo-er! I think probably the charm had lasted long enough to at least partially convince Vicky though.

She heads upstairs, only to find that the letter has gone! Straight away she realises it must have been David who took it and she heads to his room to get it back. David isn't there so she decides to return the favour he had done her earlier in the ep, and have a rummage around in his drawers. She doesn't find her letter, indeed for a long time she doesn't find anything of note, until finally...

Oooooooh Shit!

It's the part from Roger's car! Devil Child David is for it now!

Is Roger on his way to the hotel to murder Burke for the crime David committed? Is David about to be exposed as the murderous little goblin that he is? And just where did Elizabeth disappear to?

All of these questions and many more, will be answered about 10 episodes from now. Come back soon though, and we can watch some other characters do some different stuff. It'll be grand!

Strange Paradise Episode 5

When last we left the intrepid cast of Strange Paradise, Doc Carr had finally arrived at the island, but was as yet unaware of her sisters death and subsequent cryo-ing by her mad as a box of amphibious french starters husband. Meanwhile, Carr's shag pal and fellow traveler Forrest has grown suspicious of Jean-Paul, based not so much on his out of character behaviour, as on his having taken to signing documents with his evil ancestors name. Cos that would put the willies up anyone, am I right?

Join me now, as I take my sanity in my hands, and embark on a perusal of Strange Paradise, episode 5. ('Tis here, should you be so inclined)

We're straight into the action, as Jacques has a chat with Doc Carr about portraits. How do we know it's Jacques, and not Jean-Paul? Well, because he's leaning against the wall right next to the picture frame that houses the portrait of Jacques; the portrait that goes blank when Jacques is up and around. Sure enough, blank frame. Not that Doc Carr seems to notice. And to be fair, it's not that obvious...

Subtle

Jacques does a bit of flirty banter (I think) with Doc Carr and rather than slap him across the face; because as far as she's concerned he's Jean-Paul, her sisters husband; she actually seems to be falling for it. Her fuck buddy Forrest is gonna be raging! Oh, and this is Jacques flirty face.

How could you resist?

After the titles Doc Carr announces that she's off to see her sister but Jacques tells her, and he doesn't mince words I can tell you, that her sister isn't upstairs sleeping; rather, she's down in the crypt, dead. Only temporarily though, he's quick to point out. So that's all right then, eh?

Doc Carr asks to see the body and he waves her off to the crypt, then heads on over to stare at the picture frame for a bit. Jacques pops back into the frame, Jean-Paul looks a bit queasy and then Doc Carr comes back pleading with him to hurry up and show her the way. Which right puts the shits up him, because he doesn't even know she's in the house. Possession is a bitch! Anyway, off they trot.

Doc Carr has a bit of a freak out when she passes Quito on the stairs, which is understandable I suppose, and then freaks out even more when she realises her Sister has been turned into a rocket lolly by Jean-Paul.

She no happy.

But then she hugs him for comfort! Come on woman, you should be kicking his head in! He had drinks with you in the bar then told you she was having a nap then tried to get into your knickers before he finally deigned to mention your sister was dead. Dude is a shady motherfunter!

Hmmm sexy master

In the lobby, Quito caresses the portrait of Jacques until Raxl appears on the stairs; she's still running her bath; and screams at him that his master is Jean-Paul, not 'that one' who 'belongs in the grave.' Then she stares at him for fucking ages because the director forgot how to say cut.

Downstairs Jean-Paul confesses to Doc Carr that sometimes he doesn't know what he's doing and it feels likes an outside power, an evil force, is driving him. All joking aside, it's good that this is coming out so early, when it could have been held off for weeks. It's just a shame that the actor is AWFUL; he puts Devil Child David of Dark Shadows fame to shame, and at least that kid has the excuse that he's, you know, a kid.

Didn't expect to see me here did you?

While he's making his big confession we keep seeing shots of the portrait. In case we didn't get it. Doc Carr looks a bit freaked out, which is becoming a habit, and then we get an ad break. So it's been fairly eventful so far.

When we come back, Jean-Paul gives Doc Carr, and us, the backstory on his wifes illness and death and it sounds like some proper exorcist level shit was going down. The series started with her clogs already popped of course, so we can't be sure. Maybe he's making the whole thing up.

Doc Carr tries to convince him that his cryo-fuckery is doomed to failure but he's having none of it and we get another line about how he's God on this island. I'm willing to bet that's gonna be important later. When she realises she's getting nowhere with that tack, she brings up his mood changes and how he had seemed like a totally different person earlier in the day. Nail on the head, m'dear! Oh, if only you knew!

Jean-Paul sends Doc Carr upstairs with Raxl to get settled into her room and this is usually were I would make a shallow joke about lesbian romps but I'm not going to because this is Raxl we're talking about and I don't know that that's a picture I want in my head. Once they're gone he has a pop at the painting about bringing Carr to the island. Turns out Jacques brought her back to the house purely because he fancies her. I have to say, I don't blame him. She has a certain...something. Jean-Paul calls Jacques a swine then runs off up the stairs and slams his bedroom door.

You know, like a stroppy teenager.

Ad break, and then we're back with Jean-Paul. He's back downstairs again, so I don't know what that last bit was in aid of. Dramatic little shit. Raxl appears and tells him that the Doctor from the pilot, who we haven't seen since and I for one had totally forgotten existed, wants to leave that night because he doesn't approve of all the weird shit that;s happening. Which is fair play. Jean-Paul heads off to convince him to wait until morning. His departure is Doc Carr's cue to reappear, in a fetching white nightgown and... what's this? Noooo!

I SAID I WAS JOKING ABOUT THE LESBIAN STUFF!!

Doc Carr interrogates Raxl about Jean-Pauls odd behaviour and Raxl tells her absolutely everything. Jacques being a murdering shit who lived 300 years ago, his being put under a voodoo curse, Jean-Paul breaking the curse by fucking with the doll and setting Jacques free...the works. Doc Carr doesn't believe a word of it of course.

Especially when she spreads her arms and starts speechifying.

While they're arguing they hear a scream, and about 30 seconds later they react to it. Heading to the front door they drag it open and peer out into the wet and windy night, to see what they can see, as we fade out to an ad break. When we come back, they're still there and they have this awesome exchange

Doc Carr: It's quiet now.

Raxl: Except for the wind. Which is always saying strange things.

Well, quite. Doc Carr is worried that someone may be hurt, and wants to investigate but Raxl is adamant that they shouldn't go outside and ushers her off to bed. Just in time, too, because here comes Jean-Paul and Quito, with the latter carrying the dead body of the aforementioned forgotten Doctor from the Pilot. He's had an accident, apparently. A likely story. Raxl wants to call the police but Jean-Paul, who is pretty obviously Jacques again, although fuck knows when that happened, tells her there is no need. He sends Quito down into the crypt to put the Doctors remains into his wifes coffin. She doesn't need it after all, what with her living in the freezer now.

Jacques sends Raxl off to bed with a wish of sweet dreams, and even blows her a kiss. See, he's not a total monster after all! Or is he? Once she's gone, he stands for a while looking like this

so, you know.

After a shot of the empty picture frame that lasts what must be almost 20 seconds, Jacques goes back into the frame and we see Jean-Paul asleep on the couch. As he tosses and turns we hear his dream, which is Raxl ranting at him about the devil. I don't know about you, but that doesn't really surprise me; that woman would give anyone nightmares. He jerks awake, has a bit of a rant at portrait Jacques and then we go into the credits. This show does like it's abrupt endings.

So we've had quite an eventful episode. Someone died, even if it was a character I'd forgotten existed, Doc Carr is up to speed with what's going on even if she doesn't fully believe it, and we know that Jacques fancies her. More than enough to be going on with.

The constant shifting between Jacques and Jean-Paul is getting a bit wearying, but other than that I'm finding the relatively fast pace refreshing. All they need to do is keep Doc Carr in her nightie and kill off Raxl and they'll have a fan for life!

Join me next time when some weird shit will happen, we'll get lots of close ups of a picture frame and Raxl will shout at the sky. I can't wait.

Dark Shadows Episode 24

Last time on Dark Shadows...

CONSTABLE AWESOME IS AWESOME!!!! *Ahem*

So, yes, it's been a while. Again. I'm giving up on making promises; these things will show up when they show up. Although you'll note I've managed a Strange Paradise post, and now a Dark Shadows one, in consecutive slots! Feeling pretty proud of myself right now.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, CONSTABLE AWESOME IS AWESOME! When we left the show last time he'd just gotten through putting the Collins family through their paces and making them feel this big over their ridunculous obsession with Burke of the Chin, and was embarking on his own investigation, to figure out who really tried to kill Creepy Uncle Roger. We know it was Devil Child David, of course, but said devil child has cunningly orchestrated a foolproof evidence tampering operation, so the truth may not come to light just yet.

As is traditional, let's head on over to Vicky W, as she talks us in... (and you can watch the episode here)

My name is Victoria Winters. An attempted murder has made the house on Widow's Hill the centre of a web of confusion, a web that tugs on many people and draws them closer to it's core; a young girl tormented by increasing doubts and uncertainties, a man wavering between the opposite poles of instinct and fact...

And that's it! It cuts off right there, when every fool (stop it) knows that when you do a list like that you need three examples. Shoddy, Dark Shadows Writer Man, very shoddy. The girl in question is Floozy Caroline who is shown arriving at the cafe bearing shit loads of shopping, and the man is CONSTABLE AWESOME!! Fuck yeah! He's in the cafe asking after Burke too. I'm not gonna lie, the prospect of this episode being an Awesome/Burke face off is getting me very excited.

My Hero

After the teaser ends with a totally unnecessary zoom in and close up of Constable Awesome's face, and the dirge plays, we come back with an earnest discussion between Floozy Caroline and Waitress Maggie about, you'll never guess... Burke!

There's not much new here, except that Maggie drops in the news that Burke has commissioned her  Dad, Sam the Riddler, to paint his portrait. Credit where it's due here, the actress playing Caroline does a great job of getting across the 'Oh shit, but that means he must be sticking around a while and he told me he was leaving in two days, and maybe he's played me for a gullible pillock and oh God Uncle Roger is gonna kill me' thought process that you know she's thinking but doesn't actually have any dialogue about.

Ruminating Caroline

Which fact is in itself an improvement, since shit like that is usually spelled out ultra literally on this show.

After a while, Main Squeeze Joe turns up for his lunch date with Caroline and the conversation comes to a screeching halt. Joe is muchos not best pleased to learn what they've been talking about.

Not Best Pleased

For some reason he's got this wild idea that Caroline fancies Burke of the Chin. Don't know where he gets that from, unless it's the fact that she creams her knickers every time someone says his name. Anyway...

Burke is arriving back at the hotel and he is immediately met by Constable Awesome. They square up, like men, and arrange a fight to the death at noon. No, hang on, they shake hands and exchange amicable greetings.

Friendly Greeting? What madness is this now?

Awesome wants a chat with Burke, who agrees on the condition that he's allowed to grab a bite to eat and a cup of coffee first. And then we get an ad break, fading out on a long close up on Awesome's face. I'm sensing a pattern here.

We're back, and it's Caroline and Joe having a riveting conversation about how Joe might be able to buy a boat sooner than he thought if he goes into business with a guy from work called Gerry. Caroline wonders if Gerry can be trusted. She's not as green as she's astroturf looking, is Caroline. Unless Gerry is a stand up guy. Who knows? Onwards!

Burke arrives, orders his food and shoots down waitress Maggie in the process after she gets a bit too nosey, then he approaches Caroline and Joe at their table. We get this conversation.

Burke: Hey kids! How's the good life?

Joe: If you want to join us, the answers no.

Burke: That's not very friendly.

Joe: Well, I didn't mean it to be friendly.

Maybe it's just my suspicious nature, but I think the subtext here is that Joe doesn't like Burke very much. I can't be sure though, because it's very subtle.

Burke gives not a single shit.

Burke asks them how long they're going to be there, then wanders off to collect his sandwich order, with a very shifty grin on his face. He's obviously plotting something, but what? Who knows, but it's bound to be good. He's Burke of the Chin GodDammit, and he was trained by the Dick Dastardly Chorus!

Anyway, ad break. When we return, we're upstairs and Burke is letting Constable Awesome into his suite. Let the showdown commence!

Burke is cool as fuck. I say this all the time, but by God it's true. He sits there, calmly answering all of Awesome's questions, while munching on his sandwich and smiling like they're the best of old mates, just getting reacquainted. For his part, Awesome asks all the right questions, pushes when he spot an inconsistency or odd coincidence, and gets the full story with little fuss. Sounds dull I realise, but I could watch these two all day. (Even if Awesome does almost walk into the camera at one point because the operator forgets to pull back when the actor moves to his new mark. You could hear a member of the crew giving out about it in the background. Brilliant.)

Their conversation takes a meaty turn when Burke announces that he's 'up to here with all these accusations! I didn't come back to Collinsport for that!' Of course Awesome, being Awesome, immediately comes back with...

"You've told me why you didn't come back.  I want to know why you did."

Bloody good question, Awesome. Of course, we don't get an answer, because that's an ad break, and when we come back we're downstairs with Joe and Caroline. Still, food for thought, right enough, so it is.

Ooh, hang on! We're only with them long enough for Caroline to get a message saying Burke and Awesome want to see her upstairs. The plot doth thicken; aye, verily it doth. But what possible reason could they have? I doubt they're planning any three way action; at least not while Awesome is on duty. Let's find out.

Worried Caroline

Turns out, she's Burke's alibi. And what an alibi! Burke basically explains to Awesome that he'd had no intention of contacting the Collins family and anything he's done that's brought him into contact with them has been done at the behest of Caroline. And thinking back, he's right! Bloody good show, writer man, I have to give you that one. Caroline isn't best pleased at basically being forced to exonerate her family's arch enemy, but whatcha gonna do?

Burke is feeling pretty smug at this point, but Awesome brings him down a peg or two when he tells him not to leave town.

You What Mate?

Awesome leaves, after reiterating his instructions not to leave town, but Caroline hangs around, looking none too happy, to 'talk' to Burke. Yeah, methinks some angry sex is on the cards.

Or not. She just wants to scream at him about lying to and manipulating her. She throws the 'how are you gonna get your portrait painted if you're leaving town in a couple of days' argument at him; CALLED IT! Of course, she wouldn't be the Caroline we know and love if she wasn't totally gullible and as hard to sway as a cornstalk in a hurricane, so when he tells her that he hadn't lied, but his plans had changed since they spoke, she believes him. She flat out asks if he tried to kill her Uncle, he denies it, and she looks like this...

Happy Caroline

So, you know, that's the anger gone and the knicker creaming back in force. She leaves, and Burke has a little moment of contemplation; he's deciding what colour condom to wear when she comes back and throws herself at him;  but that's derailed when the phone rings. Who could it be?

It's the bloke Burke rang a couple of episodes back and told to come meet him. He tells this guy that it's too risky for him to come all the way to Collinsport so he should check into a hotel in Bangor and Burke'll be there as soon as he can. Burke asks whether the guy has brought 'everything I asked for?' and then he looks like this...

Burke be plottin', yo!

The last line of the episode is Burke telling his mate that "we might have even less time than I thought." I have no idea what his plan is, but I'm really fucking intrigued, I'm not gonna lie.

So, no sign of Vicky W in this episode, which is always a crying shame, but other than that I'm very happy. Burke and Awesome bounced off each other as well as I'd hoped and Caroline was adorable, as Caroline is wont to be. And the best part was that Devil Child David was nowhere to be seen. Gotta like that!

Until next time, farewell, and DON'T BLINK! No, hang on, that's a different show isn't it? Never mind.

Strange Paradise Episode 4

Welcome back, supernatural soap opera from the 60's fans. If there actually are any of you. I'm not convinced I'm not talking to myself over here. Whatever, it makes me happy.

When last we visited these shores we spent most of our time with Reverend Ted McGinley and the girl he may or may not have a crush on, Holly. Holly has wandered off from a mental institute, and her mother wants her to go back, while Reverend Ted is on the fence. It was very tense.

Oh, and Raxl shouted at the ceiling. A lot.

What madness shall we encounter this week? Who can tell? Well, we can, by watching Strange Paradise Episode 4. (Click here to see it in all it's glory)

We're treated to a spectacular opening sequence here, with a big haired man in a suit directing traffic as Quinto and a couple of very dodgy looking dudes carry a metal casket jobby into the cellar and leave it there. It's thrilling stuff, to be sure, especially when Quinto gives it a bit of a rub.

It's hard to imagine how they're going to top that teaser with the actual episode, but never fear, because we're getting a scene with Jean Paul. He's pacing around the foyer in that peculiar stiff legged robot walk that he has.

After a less than reassuring conversation with Doctor Big Hair Jean Paul is looking a bit stressed. Could it be that his plan to freeze his wife's corpse won't result in her resurrection after all? Surely his literally days of planning can't all have been for naught? It's ok though, because just as he's at his lowest ebb the portrait of Bill Compton starts talking to him again; just a bit of a pep talk, you understand.

But what's this!?!

I'd know that smug grin anywhere! Jacques has taken control again. What devilment will he get up to this time?

Err, he's having lunch. Hilariously; hilarity being relative; he invites Doctor Big Hair and the two anonymous heavies to sit with him, but there's no sign of poor old Quinto. Raxl is there though, serving the food and looking disapproving. He soon cheers her up, with a little light spanking. I shit you not.

After Doctor Big hair and his cronies have wandered off, Raxl informs Jean-Paul/Jacques about his wife's sister being on her way, presumably because of the wife's death. She's shocked to learn that it isn't because of the wife's death, because Jean-Paul hasn't even told her, and hasn't yet decided whether he's going to. Poor old Raxl, the shocks just keep on coming; she'll probably go down into the cellar and scream at the ceiling for a bit now.

Over to Cafe le Garish now, where said sister of said dead wife, namely Doc Carr, is looking miserable and demanding her bill. She's not best chuffed when her good friend and former shag pal, Forrest, arrives with news that the boat over to Jean-Paul's island is being delayed. She's even more not best chuffed when he tells her that Jean-Paul knows she's here, but doesn't seem to have any intention of coming to greet her. Rude!

She gets herself in a bit of a strop about all sorts of things, but the upshot is that she intends to go to the island, get her sister and take her back to civilisation for proper medical care. Isolated islands being no place for a woman about to drop her first sprog, dontcha know. Of course, all of this is moot, since her sister is dead, but she's not to know that; nobody tells her anything!

Meanwhile, back on the island, Jean-Paul is asleep on the sofa and freaks outs out when he wakes up to find out that the cryonics folk are down in the cellar with his dead wife. Now, since we saw him interacting with them himself in the last episode, I think we're meant to assume that this means Jacques was in control at the time and Jean-Paul doesn't remember it; as it is though, this show is scripted so messily that it's just as likely the writer just forgot what he'd written the day before.

Anyway, Jean-Paul rushes down to the cellar because he wants one last necro-fumble before his wife is cryo'ed up; we get a lovely moment when the incredibly high tech sliding tube stops and one of the extras has to surreptitiously wiggle it like a stuck drawer to make it close but even with that delay Jean-Paul is too late and has to make do with a nice embrace from Doctor Big Hair.

After a scene break we come back on the foyer, Raxl is making her way downstairs; I've noticed Raxl always seems to enter scenes from upstairs, even if we saw her downstairs only moments before. I'm not sure what she has going on up there that she needs to keep rushing off to check. Maybe she's just running a bath.

Anyway, Raxl is coming downstairs and Jean-Paul and Doc Big Hair are coming up from the catacombs. Doc Big Hair offers his condolences to Jean-Paul before leaving; he says he would have done so at lunch but Jean-Paul's (actually Jacques) attitude made him check himself. Once again, Jean-Paul is shocked at the notion that he had lunch with this man. At least we have confirmation that he doesn't remember what he gets up to when he's possessed. Or maybe his mind is just trying to block out his spank play with Raxl.

It all gets a bit intense here. Once Doctor Big Hair is gone, all Jean-Paul wants to do is have a nice quiet sit down and a bit of a soliloquy about how much he loves his wife, but will anyone leave him alone? Will they eckers like! First it's Raxl screaming at him about how he needs to leave the island or they're all gonna be consumed by the eternal devil, and once he's fucked her off to whatever is behind the two big doors we haven't seen behind yet because they can't afford to extend the set he starts getting lectured on his temper by the talking portrait of Bill Compton. It's just not his day.

Jacques, for 'tis he that talks through the portrait, wants Jean-Paul to go and face Doc Carr about her sister, but 'since you won't, I will.' Cue the actor doing his 'best' deranged face to signify that he's now possessed again.

So anyway, Jean-Paul/Jacques heads off, true to his word, to deal with Doc Carr. He's taking Quinto with him because, well, why not, and Raxl reappears from standing behind the doors to nowhere to ask him if he intends to bring Doc Carr back to the house and get upset at his smarmy response. Once he's gone, she has a bit of a rant at the portrait of Bill Compton (which we have had no less than 3 zoom ins on in this scene alone) about how it hasn't won yet. Then she hitches up her skirts and... goes back upstairs. That bath is bound to be ready this time, right?

Over at the worlds most brightly coloured cafe, Jacques/Jean-Paul is meeting with Doc Carr and Forrest. So, you know, he must have teleported over there or something. He's being very cordial and friendly and I'm not sure but I think Doc Carr is calling bullshit on the whole thing. I suspect she's not used to their getting on.

Jacques/Jean-Paul assures Doc Carr that her sis is fine and dandy and couldn't be more content on the island, and invites her back to see for herself. Whisking her away, he leaves Forrest standing with a bunch of newly signed business contracts...signed, not by Jean-Paul Desmond, but by Jacques Eloi De Mondes.

Dun Dun Durrrrrrrr! Forrest be suspicious, yo!

Over at the house, cos they aren't wasting any time this episode, Doc Carr is complimenting the house and the portraits; yeah, you say that now love, but wait until they start talking to you; and then she whips out the sketch that that artist dude did of her sister, and starts trying to get Jean-Paul (really Jacques) to commission a painting. Bet you'd forgotten that little plot point hadn't you? I know I had, but then again it has been months since I watched this show.

Jacques is impressed with the sketch, but almost gives himself away by asking when it was done, because Jean-Paul would have known since he was present at the time.  Luckily for him, even in this bat-shit crazy world Doc Carr's first instinct when presented with a slip of the memory is not to assume that he's been possessed by his evil ancestor. That'll have to wait until next week.

We get a brief scene with Forrest ringing his office to tell them he can't come back until he gets a proper signature on these documents, and oh by the way, would they look into who this De Mondes fellow might be? Then we're back at the house and Jacques is offering to show Doc Carr the gardens, because she can't see her sis just yet; she's 'resting comfortably' you see. Not sure how long he thinks he can keep this up for, but whatever.

Once they leave, Raxl, who has been eavesdropping, comes downstairs (because where else would she be?), has a bit of a wander around the room for no reason other than to fill screen time, and then approaches the painting of Bill Compton to tell him that he always had bad luck and so did anyone who got too close to him. And then the episode ends. Just like that. It feels for all the world like they just cut in the middle of a scene.

I have no idea where this is going, to be honest. Will Jacques take total control of Jean-Paul? What are his plans regarding Doc Carr? And will Raxl ever get her bath? All these questions, and many more besides, won't be answered in the next episode of Strange Paradise.

Dark Shadows Episode 23

How long has it been since I watched an episode of Dark Shadows? Seems like forever. I've just had to re-read my last couple of posts to remind myself of what is going on, in this little town called Collinsport that we all love so well. *Ahem* Anyway...

So, Creepy Uncle Roger is convinced that Burke of the Chin tried to kill him, when really it was his own son, Devil Child David; A local Constable is on his way up to the house to ask a few questions; Vicky W is convinced that the truth about her past is somehow tied up with the Collins family, on account of Burkes private eye asking some awkward questions; Burke has called in some kind of back-up to help him in whatever it is he's actually doing; and Sam the Riddler has accepted a commission to paint Burkes portrait.

You'll notice that Burke of the Chin is pretty much omnipresent. This is as it should be.

Join me now as I jump headfirst back into the show with episode 23. Watch it here, if you'd like.

Let's see what words of poetic wisdom Vicky W has for us, in her now traditional opening voiceover;

My name is Victoria Winters. On the surface, the day at Collinwood seems calm and serene; nothing could be more normal than my preparing to teach a young boy his school lessons, yet there is an undercurrent; a tension that is felt everywhere; a tension that reaches out, and builds, and waits to break free...

She can be a bit melodramatic at times, can Vicky W. It's why we love her.

Anyway, the Constable has arrived for his little chat with Creepy Uncle Roger! It's about time; he rang the house about three episodes ago. Roger wastes no time in spouting his theory that his accident wasn't; an accident that is. Will the 5-0 think he trippin'? We'll see.

The Constable

Rogers sis, Elizabeth, aka Lady of the Manor, pops her head in for a couple of minutes to tell him, and remind us, about what's been going on with Vicky W and the guy asking questions. His response is, literally and in so many words, "I can't be bothered with this." Compassion, thy name is Creepy Uncle Roger.

I like this Constable fella, mind. As soon as Roger starts in on his theory he knows straight away that he's going to blame Burke. No flies on this dude. We'll have to wait and see what happens here; I can't believe the writer is going to allow a reasonable and intelligent character to stay that way for long.

Anyway, up in his room, Devil Child David The Daddy Killer is having his lessons; you know, just like Vicky W talked about at the top of the show. Well, I say he's getting his lessons; what he's actually doing is reading aloud from a book while Vicky looks on with a slightly vacant look in her eye. When he finishes, she tells him that he reads well, then immediately tries to move on to another subject. Of course he reads well, he's about 12, I'd be worried if he couldn't read! Now discuss the book with him! Strip it of it's life by over analysing every single line to the point that it begins to lose all meaning. That's what we did when I read books at school.

David starts to quiz her about whether she's ever tried to kill someone, and what does she think would have been her punishment if she had? He's really not being subtle, and it's not even the first time he's had this conversation, with her and others, so it's a bit shocking that no-one has figured out that he's shitting his pants over the fact that he was the one who tried to kill Roger. Ah well, we've got the Constable now, he'll figure it all out. Right?

Will no-one notice my torment?

Downstairs, said Constable is getting the facts from Roger and Elizabeth. Gotta say, I love this guy! Roger is telling him what happened and he just drops in;

"Was my phone out of order?"

all casual like, and then when Roger is all confused he gives him a right old telling off. Roger should have called him immediately instead of waiting 12 hours and he shouldn't have gone to see Burke because;

"Well that's just great. Nothing like giving a suspected criminal a little advance notice."

Why did I call this man? Whyyyy?

Seriously, the guy is brill. I want him to be in every episode ever from now on. He demands to speak to Vicky W and when Elizabeth goes up to get her, David freaks out about the police being in the house. No-one notices of course, because they aren't Constable Awesome.

The next scene has Roger constantly interrupting Vicky W as she tells her tale to Constable Awesome, and Constable Awesome verbally bitch slapping him for it. Roger is thinking twice about getting this guy involved, I can promise you that.

As the scene unfolds Constable Awesome lays out all the reasons why it's possible Burke of the Chin wasn't guilty, and how he's damn well gonna investigate properly before he jumps to any conclusions. Fuck yeah!! But wait, who should be outside the door, eavesdropping on their every utterance? Why, it's Devil Child David! Looking none too happy with what he's just heard.

Busted!

Although to be fair, staring into the camera with a crazed look in his eye is how this kid plays asking for extra milk on his cereal, so maybe he's not bothered at all. Maybe he's thinking about puppies.

Anyway... Constable Awesome decides to check out the garage where the sabotage took place, and he takes Vicky W and Creepy Roger with him. Elizabeth stays behind though, because, well, someone has to call out the Devil Child on his ridiculous hiding in the same spot he always hides in. Seriously, pick another spot now and then little dude.

David asks Elizabeth about fingerprints and whether someone might go to prison if, say, their prints were on the wrench that done did the sabotage. And still she doesn't cotton on. How dense are these people?

Before too long, the intrepid investigators return, and Constable Awesome, because he is the only human character in the scene, starts talking to David in a friendly and natural manner. Like a kindly uncle or somesuch. Roger just hurls abuse at David, as is his fatherly duty.

Constable Awesome has the wrench in his hands, wrapped in a handkerchief for safe keeping, because he's a stickler for forensic procedure, but when he gets a phone call he drops the wrench on the table, right in front of David. While he takes the call, the other characters all move into positions and studiously look anywhere but at the wrench. Is this David's chance?

What's he thinking? I'll give you three guesses.

Yep, he tries to reach for it, presumably to wipe it clean with the conveniently placed handkerchief, fingerprints for the removal of. But what's this?!? Vicky W catches him at it and stops him. Of course, she just thinks he's being a nosy kid and thinks no more of it. I'll say it again; dense.

Thwarted in his first attempt to pervert the course of justice; or is that the cause of justice, I'm not sure now, but you know what I mean; David comes up with an new strategy;

 He knocks the wrench onto the floor and bends down to pick it up.

Roger hells at him for being stupid.

 Constable Awesome says it's ok because he wasn't to know.

 Roger wails that David will have put his fingerprints all over it now.

And David looks smug as.

Or he would, you assume, if he could express emotion. Instead he just stares into the distance with a blank expression on his face. But you know he's feeling pretty smug on the inside.

That's the episode. We get a brilliant new character, Vicky W looks pretty if nothing else, Elizabeth fluffs at least one line in every scene and Devil Child David proves once again that he is a criminal genius. If a whiny one.

At least now that Constable Awesome is on the case we might get a bit of proper plot momentum in the coming episodes. I say we might... we won't. But it's nice to dream.

Join me next time when we'll see Sam the Riddler berate his daughter, Burke of the Chin looking smug, and Constable Awesome solve the Jack the Ripper killings. Possibly.

Until then, peace.

Strange Paradise Episode 3

G'day to you, fellow travelers in the realm of bizarre soap opera land. It's been a while since last we checked in with the denizens of this Strange Paradise, but from what I can remember; Raxl and Quinto have gone down some  possibly time traveling steps; Jacques/Jean Paul was alternately talking to his dead wife, or a painting of Bill Compton, depending on which of his personalities was in control at the time; and Doc Carr and Forrest are in a pub, getting sloshed and also possibly getting conned by a painter dude.

This show is f*ck'n insane, people.

Join me now as I delve into episode 3; you can watch along here, if you'd like.

We get a nice shot of the mansion house, then pop inside to meet Raxl and Quinto coming back from the tunnel they went into at the end of last episode, with no explanation as to what they did while they were gone. I call bullshit, as our American cousins are wont to utter.

Raxl has a bit of a chunter about fighting to free themselves from Jacques, and the camera zooms in on his crypt. Unfortunately you can barely make out the name on the plaque, so in the next shot they have to zoom in on his portrait, just so people know what's happening. Top notch directing there, Mr Director Man. Then we get the opening titles; they're not hanging about.

Oh NO! When we come back from titles we're still on the picture, but it's an empty frame! Whatever could that signify????

We don't have time to wonder though, cos almost as soon as it registers what you're looking at they cut away to Raxl hugging the coffin of Jean Paul's dead wife and muttering some portentous rubbish. Then she has a chat with Quinto in which she drops some leaden exposition about some place called the Temple of the Serpent. Seriously, she's talking about something completely different and then BOOM!

"For the love of God! Don't tell anyone about the temple!"

All right missus, calm down, he wasn't going to, ffs.

Then some more melodramatic waffle. I swear, 2 minutes in and I just want to strangle her. We. Get. The. Point. Of course, if you actually listen to what she's saying, she's basically just explaining the plot of the last 2 episodes. In case the audience had forgotten what had happened yesterday.

When she does finally shut up we cut to a priest giving a sermon to TV's funkiest ever congregation.

Funky!

Once they've all filed out the Priest, whose name is Matt, but whom I shall call Ted, because he looks like Ted McGinley, is accosted by one of the congregation. Take a look at that screenshot again. Can you guess which one it is. I bet you can.

Yep, it's the blonde with the ridiculously large sunglasses. Did you think she was blind? I thought she was blind. She's not blind.

Anyway, she's having a pop at him because she thought they were friends but he helped her mother put her in a 'house for kooks.' Bad Priest!

The scene takes the guise of a heart to heart between the two of them but it's basically another big old info-dump; she and her mother hate each other, her father left his fortune to her and when she turns 21 she plans to cut her mother off. I don't know who her mother is, or who her father was, but I'm sure that will all become clear. They're probably devil worshiping pygmies.

Next scene

Yep, she's still talking to the coffin. More waffle about fighting Jacques. Then she and Quinto head back down to the temple. They were already down there at the start of the ep. So... they came out just to explain the plot to a dead woman? Is that what just happened? Moving on.

Blonde lass is still at the church. Her mother has shown up. They're having a bit of argy bargy. I'm sure this will be important later, but for now it's just tedious. Moving on.

Oh God, we're back with Raxl and Quinto. They're making their way down into some caves. How deep are these bloody catacombs? Raxl gets herself nicely positioned in amongst some rather naff looking symbolic squiggles on the floor and starts shouting again. She does like to shout.

Understated

She wants the devil to come and have a chat with her. He doesn't show up. I mean, be honest, would you? It's possible he would have come, and was just putting his coat on, or was on the loo or something, because she doesn't give him much time to respond before going off on one and announcing that she's gonna use all this magic she apparently has to fight 'THE EVIL THAT IS [THE DEVILS] ONLY ALLY.'

She's not one for subtlety, is Raxl.

Back at the Church, Reverend Ted is still having a bit of trouble with his two lady visitors. The Mother is saying that unless the Daughter; whose name is Holly, which may or may not have been mentioned before; goes back to the institution she'll have her dragged back. Holly storms off and Ted has some stern words for her Mother.

We stop in with Raxl and Quinto just long enough for Raxl to send Quinto off to pick up the cryogenics folk who are coming to freeze the bosses dead wife - bet you'd forgotten them, hadn't you - and then we're straight back to the church.

Reverend Ted is trying to convince Holly's mother to be nicer to her. I don't think it's gonna work, to be honest, but fair play to him.

Mind yo business, motherf*ck*r

No, hang on. I've changed my mind. I think he's trying to convince her to get Holly sectioned so she can keep control of the fortune. It's hard to tell; either he can't act, or it's very badly written. Has to be one of the two, cos it can't be both, right? Right?

Raxl is still shouting abuse at the Devil. The Devil is turning up his music to drown her out.

The vicar is flip-flopping again. Holly's mother is calling him out on it.

Raxl is shouting. I don't think she's shouting at the Devil anymore. I think she's shouting at God. Why God should pay attention to someone who is standing in a Serpent Temple and has just decided to start using the old magics again, is beyond me. Still, Raxl knows best, I'm sure.

Oooh, get this, the Mother is accusing Priestly Ted of being in love with Holly. Is he? Who knows? The smart money based on his reaction

Busted

is yes. But then, given his contradictory behaviour throughout this episode, it's hard to care. I mean tell. It's hard to tell.

The episode ends with intercutting scenes of Raxl leaving the tomb to talk to her bosses dead wife for a bit and then head upstairs where we see that Bill Compton is back in his painting, and Ted stripping himself of his priestly garb and heading off to '...find Holly. And myself.' Oh, doesn't the dialogue just sing?

There is, at a generous estimate, about 5 minutes worth of actual plot, and maybe another 5 of character developing dialogue in this episode. The rest is, quite literally, Raxl standing in various sets and yelling at the sky. It is incredibly annoying. The contrast to the first couple of episodes, where the plot moves like gangbusters, is shocking. Hard to believe it's the same writer.

Join me next week (assuming I don't disappear for 4 months again) when we'll see whether this is our lot, or whether he'll remember that there is actually meant to be a story of some kind.

Until then, on this blog, I am God.

Dark Shadows Episode 22

Last time on Dark Shadows the local constable annnounced that he was coming up to Collinwood to enquire about Roger's accident, and Bill had a pop at Burke of the Chin about trying to kill Roger. Burke responded by being cool and then calling in some kind of acquaintance or other, because 'things are starting to happen.'

Will we find out what Burke is up to this episode? I doubt it, but we can hope.

Without further ado, let's get into Episode 22 (Watch along here if you like)

We begin, as ever, with the dulcet voice over skills of the delectable Vicky W:

My name is victoria Winters. I am more certain than ever that somehow, the mystery of my past is entwined with the mystery of Collinwood itself; a mystery that echoes through all of Collinsport, reaching out to others as well; people who are searching for answers of their own.

Burke of the Chin turns up on Maggies doorstep. He claims that he's there to visit Sam but we all know his game by now; it's Maggie in her nightie he's after. They proceed to have a long chat about murder and manslaughter and broken tea cups and it's all very tense, with Burke managing to terrify her without really trying. I guess he just has that kind of face.

Scared Maggie is adorable

There was one moment in their conversation that really made me chuckle; she asks him if he has heard about Roger Collins accident the night before and he just sort of sighs and says 'several times.' I feel your pain Oh Chinly One, believe me I do.

Meanwhile, in the cafe; which they all keep insisting on calling a restaurant, because they're wrong; Sam himself has just arrived to grab himself a cuppa and who should be there but Roger, fresh from being an obnoxious tit (I'm assuming that part) to his insurance agent. Sam invites himself to sit with Roger, who's not best pleased.

Not Best Pleased

The two of them argue about the merits of lying to protect yourself, of involving the police in matters best kept private, and of the nutritional value of doughnuts. And Burke, of course. Because it's illegal to have a conversation in this town that doesn't involve Burke. Roger acts like a shit and makes Sam the Riddler angry,

Anfry

but by the end of the conversation, poor old Sam is sad instead. Sam is often left sad at the end of conversations. You'd think he's learn to keep his head down. Live like a hermit old son, it works for me!

While Sam is busy drinking coffee and being belittled by the hoi polloi, Burke is still over at his house, chatting up his daughter. The undercurrent of threat remains, and Maggie is doing a decent job of looking terrified, but the gist seems to be that Burke has nothing against Sam and just wants to be mates again. Burke is confusing!

Sam comes home with all of his art equipment, which I don't remember seeing in the cafe scene but hey ho, and is immediately put out by Burkes's prescence in his house. It's ok, Sam, he just wants to be mates, calm down! Of course, Sam being Sam, he takes it out on Maggie.

Stop taking it out on Maggie, you shit!

Dysfunctional, their relationship is.

Turns out, the real reason Burke has come to see Sam is to ask him to paint his portrait. Well, I say that's the real reason; it's the reason Burke is giving this week. I doubt the writer even knows what Burke is really up to. Sam is reluctant, but Maggie talks him into it. I predict loads of 20 minute scenes of Sam and Burke sitting on either side of an easel from here on in.

Scene ends with Burke explaining that the painting needs to be about the right size to fill the wall above the fireplace in Collinwood house. Just to remind us he's a shady bastard.

Up at the house Caroline is turning down dates with Apparently Still Main Squeeze Even Though It Seemed For All The World Like He Was Dumping Her A Couple Of Episodes Ago Joe, so that she can hang around and fawn over Roger when he gets home. And by fawn over I mean flirt outrageously. Seriously, her feelings for him are seriously dodgy; was teenage niece/middle aged uncle a more accepted thing in the 60's? Can't have been, right?

Oh Uncle Roger, you brave beast!

Uh-Oh, trouble amongst our favourite incestou-flirts! Caroline is being forced to choose between her long held longings for her creepy uncle and her newfound, but no less intense, desire to be spanked by Burke of the Chin; and she's tending toward Burke! Roger isn't happy about this at all and storms off upstairs to talk to Vicky W. He'll have no luck there; she doesn't think Burke did it either. Hang on, he's not going upstairs after all. Caroline has followed him and kept him talking. I WANNA SEE VICKY W DAMMIT!

He gets agitated and starts blurting out some shit he probably shouldn't. Caroline is seeing a whole other side to Sexy Uncle Roger here and she doesn't like it. Could he be willing to send an innocent man to prison, just because it's convenient for him? Damn right he could, Caroline. What do you think happened 10 years ago with Burke? I know these scripts are playing it vague but it's pretty fucking obvious that's what happened. Pay attention woman!

Anyway, it's almost the end of the show but we get a little coda over at Sams house. Sam, not being the brightest bulb in the dead bulb drawer has only just now realised what was blindingly obvious to the viewer; namely that if Burke wants to sit for a portrait, he must not be planning to leave town in a couple of days, like he said he was. Burke's response?

Yeah, The Chin be lookin' smug!

And that's it. End of episode. I'll be here on Thursday with an episode of Strange Paradise, and next tuesday with episode 23 of Dark Shadows. Don't you bally well miss 'em, y'hear?