Dark Shadows Episode 22

Last time on Dark Shadows the local constable annnounced that he was coming up to Collinwood to enquire about Roger's accident, and Bill had a pop at Burke of the Chin about trying to kill Roger. Burke responded by being cool and then calling in some kind of acquaintance or other, because 'things are starting to happen.'

Will we find out what Burke is up to this episode? I doubt it, but we can hope.

Without further ado, let's get into Episode 22 (Watch along here if you like)

We begin, as ever, with the dulcet voice over skills of the delectable Vicky W:

My name is victoria Winters. I am more certain than ever that somehow, the mystery of my past is entwined with the mystery of Collinwood itself; a mystery that echoes through all of Collinsport, reaching out to others as well; people who are searching for answers of their own.

Burke of the Chin turns up on Maggies doorstep. He claims that he's there to visit Sam but we all know his game by now; it's Maggie in her nightie he's after. They proceed to have a long chat about murder and manslaughter and broken tea cups and it's all very tense, with Burke managing to terrify her without really trying. I guess he just has that kind of face.

Scared Maggie is adorable

There was one moment in their conversation that really made me chuckle; she asks him if he has heard about Roger Collins accident the night before and he just sort of sighs and says 'several times.' I feel your pain Oh Chinly One, believe me I do.

Meanwhile, in the cafe; which they all keep insisting on calling a restaurant, because they're wrong; Sam himself has just arrived to grab himself a cuppa and who should be there but Roger, fresh from being an obnoxious tit (I'm assuming that part) to his insurance agent. Sam invites himself to sit with Roger, who's not best pleased.

Not Best Pleased

The two of them argue about the merits of lying to protect yourself, of involving the police in matters best kept private, and of the nutritional value of doughnuts. And Burke, of course. Because it's illegal to have a conversation in this town that doesn't involve Burke. Roger acts like a shit and makes Sam the Riddler angry,

Anfry

but by the end of the conversation, poor old Sam is sad instead. Sam is often left sad at the end of conversations. You'd think he's learn to keep his head down. Live like a hermit old son, it works for me!

While Sam is busy drinking coffee and being belittled by the hoi polloi, Burke is still over at his house, chatting up his daughter. The undercurrent of threat remains, and Maggie is doing a decent job of looking terrified, but the gist seems to be that Burke has nothing against Sam and just wants to be mates again. Burke is confusing!

Sam comes home with all of his art equipment, which I don't remember seeing in the cafe scene but hey ho, and is immediately put out by Burkes's prescence in his house. It's ok, Sam, he just wants to be mates, calm down! Of course, Sam being Sam, he takes it out on Maggie.

Stop taking it out on Maggie, you shit!

Dysfunctional, their relationship is.

Turns out, the real reason Burke has come to see Sam is to ask him to paint his portrait. Well, I say that's the real reason; it's the reason Burke is giving this week. I doubt the writer even knows what Burke is really up to. Sam is reluctant, but Maggie talks him into it. I predict loads of 20 minute scenes of Sam and Burke sitting on either side of an easel from here on in.

Scene ends with Burke explaining that the painting needs to be about the right size to fill the wall above the fireplace in Collinwood house. Just to remind us he's a shady bastard.

Up at the house Caroline is turning down dates with Apparently Still Main Squeeze Even Though It Seemed For All The World Like He Was Dumping Her A Couple Of Episodes Ago Joe, so that she can hang around and fawn over Roger when he gets home. And by fawn over I mean flirt outrageously. Seriously, her feelings for him are seriously dodgy; was teenage niece/middle aged uncle a more accepted thing in the 60's? Can't have been, right?

Oh Uncle Roger, you brave beast!

Uh-Oh, trouble amongst our favourite incestou-flirts! Caroline is being forced to choose between her long held longings for her creepy uncle and her newfound, but no less intense, desire to be spanked by Burke of the Chin; and she's tending toward Burke! Roger isn't happy about this at all and storms off upstairs to talk to Vicky W. He'll have no luck there; she doesn't think Burke did it either. Hang on, he's not going upstairs after all. Caroline has followed him and kept him talking. I WANNA SEE VICKY W DAMMIT!

He gets agitated and starts blurting out some shit he probably shouldn't. Caroline is seeing a whole other side to Sexy Uncle Roger here and she doesn't like it. Could he be willing to send an innocent man to prison, just because it's convenient for him? Damn right he could, Caroline. What do you think happened 10 years ago with Burke? I know these scripts are playing it vague but it's pretty fucking obvious that's what happened. Pay attention woman!

Anyway, it's almost the end of the show but we get a little coda over at Sams house. Sam, not being the brightest bulb in the dead bulb drawer has only just now realised what was blindingly obvious to the viewer; namely that if Burke wants to sit for a portrait, he must not be planning to leave town in a couple of days, like he said he was. Burke's response?

Yeah, The Chin be lookin' smug!

And that's it. End of episode. I'll be here on Thursday with an episode of Strange Paradise, and next tuesday with episode 23 of Dark Shadows. Don't you bally well miss 'em, y'hear?