Strange Paradise Episode 3

G'day to you, fellow travelers in the realm of bizarre soap opera land. It's been a while since last we checked in with the denizens of this Strange Paradise, but from what I can remember; Raxl and Quinto have gone down some  possibly time traveling steps; Jacques/Jean Paul was alternately talking to his dead wife, or a painting of Bill Compton, depending on which of his personalities was in control at the time; and Doc Carr and Forrest are in a pub, getting sloshed and also possibly getting conned by a painter dude.

This show is f*ck'n insane, people.

Join me now as I delve into episode 3; you can watch along here, if you'd like.

We get a nice shot of the mansion house, then pop inside to meet Raxl and Quinto coming back from the tunnel they went into at the end of last episode, with no explanation as to what they did while they were gone. I call bullshit, as our American cousins are wont to utter.

Raxl has a bit of a chunter about fighting to free themselves from Jacques, and the camera zooms in on his crypt. Unfortunately you can barely make out the name on the plaque, so in the next shot they have to zoom in on his portrait, just so people know what's happening. Top notch directing there, Mr Director Man. Then we get the opening titles; they're not hanging about.

Oh NO! When we come back from titles we're still on the picture, but it's an empty frame! Whatever could that signify????

We don't have time to wonder though, cos almost as soon as it registers what you're looking at they cut away to Raxl hugging the coffin of Jean Paul's dead wife and muttering some portentous rubbish. Then she has a chat with Quinto in which she drops some leaden exposition about some place called the Temple of the Serpent. Seriously, she's talking about something completely different and then BOOM!

"For the love of God! Don't tell anyone about the temple!"

All right missus, calm down, he wasn't going to, ffs.

Then some more melodramatic waffle. I swear, 2 minutes in and I just want to strangle her. We. Get. The. Point. Of course, if you actually listen to what she's saying, she's basically just explaining the plot of the last 2 episodes. In case the audience had forgotten what had happened yesterday.

When she does finally shut up we cut to a priest giving a sermon to TV's funkiest ever congregation.

Funky!

Once they've all filed out the Priest, whose name is Matt, but whom I shall call Ted, because he looks like Ted McGinley, is accosted by one of the congregation. Take a look at that screenshot again. Can you guess which one it is. I bet you can.

Yep, it's the blonde with the ridiculously large sunglasses. Did you think she was blind? I thought she was blind. She's not blind.

Anyway, she's having a pop at him because she thought they were friends but he helped her mother put her in a 'house for kooks.' Bad Priest!

The scene takes the guise of a heart to heart between the two of them but it's basically another big old info-dump; she and her mother hate each other, her father left his fortune to her and when she turns 21 she plans to cut her mother off. I don't know who her mother is, or who her father was, but I'm sure that will all become clear. They're probably devil worshiping pygmies.

Next scene

Yep, she's still talking to the coffin. More waffle about fighting Jacques. Then she and Quinto head back down to the temple. They were already down there at the start of the ep. So... they came out just to explain the plot to a dead woman? Is that what just happened? Moving on.

Blonde lass is still at the church. Her mother has shown up. They're having a bit of argy bargy. I'm sure this will be important later, but for now it's just tedious. Moving on.

Oh God, we're back with Raxl and Quinto. They're making their way down into some caves. How deep are these bloody catacombs? Raxl gets herself nicely positioned in amongst some rather naff looking symbolic squiggles on the floor and starts shouting again. She does like to shout.

Understated

She wants the devil to come and have a chat with her. He doesn't show up. I mean, be honest, would you? It's possible he would have come, and was just putting his coat on, or was on the loo or something, because she doesn't give him much time to respond before going off on one and announcing that she's gonna use all this magic she apparently has to fight 'THE EVIL THAT IS [THE DEVILS] ONLY ALLY.'

She's not one for subtlety, is Raxl.

Back at the Church, Reverend Ted is still having a bit of trouble with his two lady visitors. The Mother is saying that unless the Daughter; whose name is Holly, which may or may not have been mentioned before; goes back to the institution she'll have her dragged back. Holly storms off and Ted has some stern words for her Mother.

We stop in with Raxl and Quinto just long enough for Raxl to send Quinto off to pick up the cryogenics folk who are coming to freeze the bosses dead wife - bet you'd forgotten them, hadn't you - and then we're straight back to the church.

Reverend Ted is trying to convince Holly's mother to be nicer to her. I don't think it's gonna work, to be honest, but fair play to him.

Mind yo business, motherf*ck*r

No, hang on. I've changed my mind. I think he's trying to convince her to get Holly sectioned so she can keep control of the fortune. It's hard to tell; either he can't act, or it's very badly written. Has to be one of the two, cos it can't be both, right? Right?

Raxl is still shouting abuse at the Devil. The Devil is turning up his music to drown her out.

The vicar is flip-flopping again. Holly's mother is calling him out on it.

Raxl is shouting. I don't think she's shouting at the Devil anymore. I think she's shouting at God. Why God should pay attention to someone who is standing in a Serpent Temple and has just decided to start using the old magics again, is beyond me. Still, Raxl knows best, I'm sure.

Oooh, get this, the Mother is accusing Priestly Ted of being in love with Holly. Is he? Who knows? The smart money based on his reaction

Busted

is yes. But then, given his contradictory behaviour throughout this episode, it's hard to care. I mean tell. It's hard to tell.

The episode ends with intercutting scenes of Raxl leaving the tomb to talk to her bosses dead wife for a bit and then head upstairs where we see that Bill Compton is back in his painting, and Ted stripping himself of his priestly garb and heading off to '...find Holly. And myself.' Oh, doesn't the dialogue just sing?

There is, at a generous estimate, about 5 minutes worth of actual plot, and maybe another 5 of character developing dialogue in this episode. The rest is, quite literally, Raxl standing in various sets and yelling at the sky. It is incredibly annoying. The contrast to the first couple of episodes, where the plot moves like gangbusters, is shocking. Hard to believe it's the same writer.

Join me next week (assuming I don't disappear for 4 months again) when we'll see whether this is our lot, or whether he'll remember that there is actually meant to be a story of some kind.

Until then, on this blog, I am God.

Dark Shadows Episode 22

Last time on Dark Shadows the local constable annnounced that he was coming up to Collinwood to enquire about Roger's accident, and Bill had a pop at Burke of the Chin about trying to kill Roger. Burke responded by being cool and then calling in some kind of acquaintance or other, because 'things are starting to happen.'

Will we find out what Burke is up to this episode? I doubt it, but we can hope.

Without further ado, let's get into Episode 22 (Watch along here if you like)

We begin, as ever, with the dulcet voice over skills of the delectable Vicky W:

My name is victoria Winters. I am more certain than ever that somehow, the mystery of my past is entwined with the mystery of Collinwood itself; a mystery that echoes through all of Collinsport, reaching out to others as well; people who are searching for answers of their own.

Burke of the Chin turns up on Maggies doorstep. He claims that he's there to visit Sam but we all know his game by now; it's Maggie in her nightie he's after. They proceed to have a long chat about murder and manslaughter and broken tea cups and it's all very tense, with Burke managing to terrify her without really trying. I guess he just has that kind of face.

Scared Maggie is adorable

There was one moment in their conversation that really made me chuckle; she asks him if he has heard about Roger Collins accident the night before and he just sort of sighs and says 'several times.' I feel your pain Oh Chinly One, believe me I do.

Meanwhile, in the cafe; which they all keep insisting on calling a restaurant, because they're wrong; Sam himself has just arrived to grab himself a cuppa and who should be there but Roger, fresh from being an obnoxious tit (I'm assuming that part) to his insurance agent. Sam invites himself to sit with Roger, who's not best pleased.

Not Best Pleased

The two of them argue about the merits of lying to protect yourself, of involving the police in matters best kept private, and of the nutritional value of doughnuts. And Burke, of course. Because it's illegal to have a conversation in this town that doesn't involve Burke. Roger acts like a shit and makes Sam the Riddler angry,

Anfry

but by the end of the conversation, poor old Sam is sad instead. Sam is often left sad at the end of conversations. You'd think he's learn to keep his head down. Live like a hermit old son, it works for me!

While Sam is busy drinking coffee and being belittled by the hoi polloi, Burke is still over at his house, chatting up his daughter. The undercurrent of threat remains, and Maggie is doing a decent job of looking terrified, but the gist seems to be that Burke has nothing against Sam and just wants to be mates again. Burke is confusing!

Sam comes home with all of his art equipment, which I don't remember seeing in the cafe scene but hey ho, and is immediately put out by Burkes's prescence in his house. It's ok, Sam, he just wants to be mates, calm down! Of course, Sam being Sam, he takes it out on Maggie.

Stop taking it out on Maggie, you shit!

Dysfunctional, their relationship is.

Turns out, the real reason Burke has come to see Sam is to ask him to paint his portrait. Well, I say that's the real reason; it's the reason Burke is giving this week. I doubt the writer even knows what Burke is really up to. Sam is reluctant, but Maggie talks him into it. I predict loads of 20 minute scenes of Sam and Burke sitting on either side of an easel from here on in.

Scene ends with Burke explaining that the painting needs to be about the right size to fill the wall above the fireplace in Collinwood house. Just to remind us he's a shady bastard.

Up at the house Caroline is turning down dates with Apparently Still Main Squeeze Even Though It Seemed For All The World Like He Was Dumping Her A Couple Of Episodes Ago Joe, so that she can hang around and fawn over Roger when he gets home. And by fawn over I mean flirt outrageously. Seriously, her feelings for him are seriously dodgy; was teenage niece/middle aged uncle a more accepted thing in the 60's? Can't have been, right?

Oh Uncle Roger, you brave beast!

Uh-Oh, trouble amongst our favourite incestou-flirts! Caroline is being forced to choose between her long held longings for her creepy uncle and her newfound, but no less intense, desire to be spanked by Burke of the Chin; and she's tending toward Burke! Roger isn't happy about this at all and storms off upstairs to talk to Vicky W. He'll have no luck there; she doesn't think Burke did it either. Hang on, he's not going upstairs after all. Caroline has followed him and kept him talking. I WANNA SEE VICKY W DAMMIT!

He gets agitated and starts blurting out some shit he probably shouldn't. Caroline is seeing a whole other side to Sexy Uncle Roger here and she doesn't like it. Could he be willing to send an innocent man to prison, just because it's convenient for him? Damn right he could, Caroline. What do you think happened 10 years ago with Burke? I know these scripts are playing it vague but it's pretty fucking obvious that's what happened. Pay attention woman!

Anyway, it's almost the end of the show but we get a little coda over at Sams house. Sam, not being the brightest bulb in the dead bulb drawer has only just now realised what was blindingly obvious to the viewer; namely that if Burke wants to sit for a portrait, he must not be planning to leave town in a couple of days, like he said he was. Burke's response?

Yeah, The Chin be lookin' smug!

And that's it. End of episode. I'll be here on Thursday with an episode of Strange Paradise, and next tuesday with episode 23 of Dark Shadows. Don't you bally well miss 'em, y'hear?

Strange Paradise Episode 2

And here we are. Episode two of Strange Paradise. I must be mental.

Last time...er... a dude called Jean-Paul, having gone a bit mad following the death of his pregnant wife, is convinced by a talking painting of Bill Compton to release his ancestor Jacques from the grave, in exchange for which his wife will be returned to him.

Heading into the family crypt (he has a family crypt) he opened said ancestors coffin to find a voodoo doll with a stake through it's heart; or something; which he removed and things got weird and then Jacques was there except it was really Jean-Paul except... I think this means he's possessed by his ancestor, but don't quote me.

His servants, Raxl and Quito (who are voodoo worshipers, and possibly immortal), are not best chuffed about all this, and one supposes that his dead wifes sister, Dr Allison Carr, and her potential love interest, Dan Forrest, who also happens to be Jean-Paul's business partner, won't be happy either when they arrive, which they would have done already but they got stranded by a storm and decided to get drunk and have wild sex instead. Possibly.

And that recap is really fucking long isn't it? This show is mad. Anyway, time for episode two, which you can watch here, should you so desire. And may God preserve you if you do.

We open were we left off. Raxl and Quito are trying to get the doll and pin from Jean-Paul; if it really is Jean-Paul; but he's having none of it and wanders off. Moody twat.

When he emerges from the dungeon he's now dressed in ye olde times clothes and ranting about being free, so yeah, definitely a possession/body share thing. He's debating what to do about the voodoo doll that kept him imprisoned. And talking to it.

Nutter.

Raxl decides that she and Quito absolutely must get the doll and pin back, and rushes off. Her big plan? Knocking on Jean-Pauls door and asking politely. He says no, in case you were wondering, and she wanders dejectedly away to the tune of The Littlest Hobo. Maybe.

Next up we're with Doc Carr, still in her tropical nightclub; looking at a bit of a loss, when who should approach her but... actually, I don't know.

Let's see... Nah, we don't find out. She's an old friend of Forrest though, so LOVE TRIANGLE ALERT!!

Back at the house, Raxl is staring at the portrait of Bill Compton again and looking cheesed off. Well you would, wouldn't you, if you thought your boss was about to sell your soul to the devil? She starts ranting about the doll again, and she and Quito head off to get a boat to search the island because... I'm sorry, this makes no fucking sense. She knows Jean-Paul/Jacques had it, and she knows he hasn't left the house, so how the hell could he have hidden it anywhere outside? Moving on.

If you like really slow and pointless scenes where someone wanders around and looks at ornaments before pouring himself a drink, the next scene is one for you. If not... moving on, again.

Raxl and Quinto are back. Quick work there. Raxl storms over to the portrait of Bill Compton and speechifies at it for a bit then they head upstairs. Possibly to bed? Who knows? Are they, like, a couple? No fucking clue. He's sticking pretty close though; personal space must not have been invented yet.

Back it up fella. And watch that hand!

Back at the nightclub, Doc Carr is being chatted up by an artist who wants to 'draw her'. Yeah, right mate! Makes you wonder where Forrest is in all this. There's also a beefy looking dude sitting at the bar and attempting to look at them in a menacing manner.

He's not very good at it.

Carr finds a picture among the artists stuff of her sister and learns that the last time her sis was seen in the club was weeks earlier. Which may or may not be important. The fact they didn't zoom in on his face and turn up the dramatic music when he said it makes me think not, but you never know.

Jacques is still wandering the house with the doll. He's made his way back to the crypt.

Where he started the episode. That's 10 minutes I'll never get back.

The artist; his name is Tim; starts going on about his dear old mum who wasted away from a terminal illness. Cheery. He borrowed a shitload for medical bills from a loan shark and... hello, chunky dude at the bar. I predict it's a scam and these two are in it together. You just wait!

For some reason I don't quite understand, up at the house it's Jean-Paul, rather than Jacques, who is now wandering around the crypt. Which means we don't have to listen to him talking to his doll anymore.

STOP LOOKING AT THE CAMERA YOU CRETIN!

Yeah, now he's talking to his dead wife instead. Much saner. The cryonics society is coming the next day to put her on ice, so that's all cool, and then she'll be safe until he's ready to bring her back to life. Apparently. Satisfied that he has set his dead wifes mind at ease, he leans in and gives her a snog. Get in there Son!

Suddenly Quito is there. So...he didn't go to bed? Jean-Paul orders him off to get more dry ice to pack in the coffin, cos that'll work, yes it will, shut up. I reckon the doll is in that coffin too, but we aren't supposed to know that, so keep it under your hat.

Down at the club Tim is being accosted by chunky dude. Doc Carr wants to help, but mysterious lady from earlier has suddenly reappeared and is holding her back. 'Maybe there is one way you can help', says mysterious lady...cue Doc Carr promising to get filthy rich Jean-Paul to commission a painting from Tim. Yeah, definitely a scam.

Up at the house Jean-Paul is off to bed and Raxl and Quinto are down in the crypt talking, again, about the doll. Raxl instructs Quinto to 'open the secret doors to the catacombs.' See if you can spot these super secret doors.

I know right? Practically invisible. Cracking builders they had in. Anyway, Quinto opens the super secret doors and off they head, as Raxl puts it, 'back...to the past.' It's catchy, but it's not quite there, as catchphrases go.

And that's episode two of Strange Paradise. I'm curious, I have to admit, as to where it's going. Although I could do without anyone else proclaiming things in their best 'dramatic' voice to a fucking painting.

Oh, and the big TO BE CONTINUED sign hovers over the dead wifes coffin. That doll is definitely in there, I'd bet your last quid on it.

I'll be back on the weird island of doom next Thursday with episode three. You're welcome to join me.

Dark Shadows Episode 21

And we're back; after that strange and frightening first visit to The Garden of Evil; in the comforting embrace of Collinsport and it's inhabitants, for episode 21 of Dark Shadows. No voodoo dolls and talking portraits here, by jove!

When last we were here we got a daft bit of nothing between Sam and Maggie but the real meat of the episode was Roger and Burke having a manliness-off and getting all sweaty and gruff with each other. It was great! Vicky W was there too, and I think she creamed her knickers at one point, so intensely erotic did she find the whole thing. And who could blame her?

Let's check back in, by clicking here, and see how everyone is doing, shall we?

My name is Victoria Winters. The early morning mist rises from the sea at the foot of Widows Hill; the great house sits quietly on it's crest, and the events of a shattering night seem almost like a vague memory of a forgotten dream. But it was no dream, and there's no forgetting that a man had almost been killed.

Well done Vicky W. Got us all nice and up to speed there.

The episode begins, as all good episodes should, with Vicky W and Floozy Caroline.

Cheer Up, it's not you someone's trying to kill!

They're neither of them very happy, and between deciding what to have for breakfast and watching the coffee brew, they get into an argument about whether or not Roger's accident was an accident accident, or whether someone tried to kill him. Vicky says it was attempted murder, with Caroline; in large part due to her fancying the pants off the prime suspect; refusing to believe it. Don't fight girls, you know you love each other really!

They do stop fighting long enough to realise that they're actually on the same side. Vicky believes the accident was deliberate, but she doesn't believe Burke was responsible. This cheers up Caroline no end, because it means she can go back to being his little groupie without betraying her family.

Burke of the Chin, meanwhile, is enjoying a cup of coffee in his hotel room when Bill Malloy comes a-knocking. This guy can't get 5 minutes peace! Malloy is here to have a pop at him; because that's the only reason anyone comes calling on Burke, unless they're Caroline, if you know what I mean; but Burke is all, 'yeah, yeah, fuck off I'm having my breakfast'. Then Bill drops the dreaded 'attempted murder' phrase into the conversation and Burke is like

You what mate?

But then he's like

oh, ffs

You can't blame him for being pissed off; accusing him of heinous crimes does seem to be the latest craze in Collinsport.

We get an ad break, and when we come back we're still with Burke and Bill. They hash over the same old arguments we've seen Burke have with every other character on the show already, so I suppose it was inevitable Bill would get his turn; probably would have happened sooner if the writer hadn't forgotten he existed for 10 episodes.

Things only really get interesting when Bille comes out with a name; Wilbur Strake. I'm pretty sure this is the first we're hearing of this name, and it certainly seems to mean something to Burke, although he's keen to deny it. The plot doth thicken, if you can call this stuff a plot.

Shit, no, it's the PI Burke met with in episode one; the guy he'd had snooping around Collinsport. How the fuck are you gonna pull that name out of the hat 20 episodes later? I know this show is playing the long game but come on!

Back up at the house, and Lady of the Manor Elizabeth is here with a letter for Vicky W, from the foundling home she grew up in. This ties back to something from about 15 episodes back as well, I seem to recall; Vicky rang the home for some kind information or other... look I don't know! Time works differently in this fucking town, God knows how long ago that was meant to be, but it was bloody ages in screen time.

Anyway, Caroline takes the letter and heads off to find Vicky where they have another loooong chat about the virtue and/or pitfalls of believing in Burke. Caroline comes over all sad and forlorn

SADNESS

because she thinks that if Burke is guilty it means it's all her fault, because she brought him to the house. Ah, so her refusal to blame him has nothing to do with barely repressed sexual urgings after all. My bad. Thing is, if what everyone thinks of Burke really was true, she'd be right! Not as non-bright as all that, our Caroline.

(During this conversation we hear a tale of Vicky's childhood, about a warden at the foundling home she grew up in who told her that her parents were coming to pick her up. Purely for the lol's. What a bitch, eh?)

The phone is ringing! What news? Elizabeth answers and it's the local Constable. He's on his way up to the house. So we'll probably meet him in a month. At least if he's a halfway competent cop we might finally have a character capable of figuring out that Devil Child David is a psycho who tried to kill his Dad. We can but hope.

Guess what they're talking about.

Caroline and Elizabeth then have the same conversation everyone else has been having for 3 weeks, blah blah blah, we get it, before being interrupted by a reporter ringing. Elizabeth soon fobs him off but it puts her in a  panic and she starts trying to convince Caroline to move away. She seems convinced that reporters digging into family business will unearth some shit and she doesn't want Caroline anywhere near when it happens. Just what that shit is remains to be seen, but it's at least something new to think about that doesn't revolve around fucking sprockets falling off car engines.

Caroline tries to convince Elizabeth that it'll all be ok, but she's not having much luck, and then Vicky comes traipsing in and announces that Elizabeth needs to read the letter she just received. You know, earlier in the ep? Scroll back 4 or 5 paragraphs, it's right there! Sheesh, do you need me to hold your hand while you go to the toilet as well?

Anyway, Elizabeth aint best chuffed, that's for sure.

Aint best chuffed.

Turns out the letter is just about the PI dude, Strake, asking questions about Vicky at the foundling home. He wanted to find out why she'd been hired to work at Collinwood. Elizabeth once again gets sweats about the whole thing, and the girls waste no time in putting the screws to her.

Talk Bitch!

Vicky in particular goes full Perry Fucking Mason on her ass;

Vicky: Do you think Burke Devlin hired this man?

Liz: I suppose it's possible.

Vicky: But why would he want to know about me?

Liz: I can't answer that; I don't know.

Vicky: You think Devlin was responsible for the car accident don't you?

Liz: Yes.

Vicky: Well then you must also think that the only reason he came back here was to harm your brother and you.

Liz: Yes

Vicky: Well then... it's logical that the only reason he'd hire someone to make these inquiries would be if the results would be harmful to you. Doesn't that make sense?

Yeah! You fucking tell her Vicky! Yeah!

Elizabeth's reaction is to deny hiding anything and storm out of the room. You're fooling no-one missus! My Vicky is on to you!

Back in chateau le chin, Burke is busily putting the finishing touches to his natty ensemble of the day, while Bill continues to question him about Strake. Burke has an answer for everything of course, because he's Burke, and he soon has Bill on the ropes. Bloody amateur.

After seeing Bill out, with an invitation to come visit him any time, Burke makes a quick phone call to New York.

Sell HMV! (I'm sorry. Fuck internet shopping!)

Either he's checking his shares, or he's about to put a hit out on Strake for being shit at being inconspicuous... no, he's calling someone called Bronson and telling him to get up to Maine because 'things are starting to happen. And I wanna get moving fast.'

Burke be planning some shit, yo!

There you have it. Another episode wherein they go over loads of old ground and very little actually happens but what little new stuff we do get is really solid and the acting is top notch. That side of it, at least, is really coming together nicely.

Join me on Thursday when I'll be risking what little sanity I'm still clinging to by watching episode two of Strange Paradise, and then in a weeks time, assuming my head hasn't exploded, for the next enthralling episode of Dark Shadows. You're starting to love it just a little, I know you are.

Strange Paradise Episode 1

And so it came to pass that as that fabled year known to one and all as 2013 didst roll around the blog knownst as, er, that what it says at the top of the page there, did gain not only a 2nd regular post each week but also a new subject; for as willing a supplicant as your host was at the altar of the Shadows Dark there is only so much in the way of Devil Child shenanigans and impressive chin acting one can take.

So join with me now as I embark on an epic journey, o'er hill, and dale and ocean blue, to a destination that some would name paradise, if a very strange one indeed.

(Did you like that? I thought it was quite good, actually) Anyway, you can watch episode one of Strange Paradise here, if you want. Now, lets get to it.

First impressions... it's in colour! Really overly bright, garish colour. My eyes are screaming.

A large bald man in a leather vest is carrying a bucket of... something...up a hill toward a scary house. 10 seconds of that and cue title card.

This lot aren't wasting time.

Or are they? Post title card we're back with him, and he's still trudging up the hill, but now we see that he's being watched by a shady looking dude in a lab coat. The mystery begins to deepen...

Lab coat dude tells a middle aged woman that Kito (sp?) is back and she gets all worried. She's not happy about what a Monsieur Desmond (their boss?) is up to, but Lab Coat (she calls him Doctor, lets go with that)... Doctor Dude makes it clear they have no choice. So clearly Desmond is a bit of a twat.

Look how worried she looks :(

Bald Man trudges a bit further up the hill.

Scared woman tries to get Doctor Dude; apparently Dr Lincoln is his name; to reason with Desmond.

Lincoln: The voice of reason is helpless in the face of agony and grief.

So maybe Desmond isn't a twat. Maybe he's just a bit upset. We all have those days, right? Anyway, Kito has finally made it up the hill and it turns out that what he's been carrying up in the bucket was a big old chunk of dry ice. So all the science types reading this, get your thinking caps on and try to figure out what weird experiment they're about to do. They're using dry ice, that should be enough to figure it out.

Cut to a lab set, following the clumsiest 'zoom in on dry ice/zoom out from bubbling beaker' transition you're ever likely to see outside of a, well, a 60's daytime soap opera.

This is the lab of one Dr Allison Carr, who rings a Mr Farrar/Forrest/Farrest/something like that, demanding to speak to him about her sister, one Mrs Jean-Paul Desmond.

Cut again to a creepy looking dude carrying what looks to be a dead woman down a flight of stairs; we quickly learn that this is Mr Desmond (presumably Jean-Paul) so the woman, I'm guessing, is his missus, aka Doc Carr's sister. We're quickly told that yes, she is dead, and shock horror, she was preggers when she deaded. These fuckers are really pouring on the plot here.

Next we meet Farrier/Foxtrot/Finchley-Hague (If someone doesn't pronounce his name a bit more clearly I'll get it from the credits for next time, promise). He's trying to get in touch with Desmond, along with lots of other people it turns out, and he orders his secretary (her what can't pronounce his name) to 'get him on the next plane out to the islands' so... then he heads off to meet Doc Carr, who is apparently waiting for him in his conference room, despite having rung him from her lab not 5 minutes earlier.

Back at Desmonds house, he's looking a bit upset. The female servant, whom he calls... Rexal?!? Really? Anyway, she tries to console him, as does Doc Lincoln, but he's having none of it. He doesn't accept the finality of death, apparently. Not for his Erica, anyway. So, yeah... he's a nutter.

Farmer(?) meets with Doc Carr, and from the smile on her face they not only know each other but he's rocked her world a few times too, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge. But be serious! She's worried about her sis, cos she hasn't heard from her in months. He's not heard from Desmond either as it turns out, for just as long; which is weird cos they're partners or something, in a very eclectic range of businesses. (We get an awkward bit of basil here that basically amounts to 'Desmond is stinking rich') Fastrunner(?) tries to ease Doc Carr's mind but I don't think he succeeds.

Look how worried she looks :(

Up at the house Desmond is freaking out a bit because there's a storm and he's worried about his dead wife decaying. Doc Lincoln is all, 'it'll be fine once we get some more dry ice, but until then...' and Desmond is all, 'I'll go now for some God dammit, to hell with this storm, I must preserve my wife's lovely form for when I do the naughty corpse sex...I've said too much' and then they have a bit of an argument but Rexal (I swear to God that's her name) breaks it up with the deathless line;

 Rexal: Mr Desmond please! Has the Devil taken your soul?

And then he looks like this

Look how...er...

You know what he's thinking right? Just remember, he's a nutter. There's a bit more chat here; we learn that they're planning to use cryonics on the dead wife, and Desmond declares that Death isn't certain, so... yeah.

Fister(?) is still chatting up Doc Carr while all this is going on. He tells her a bunch of stuff she already knows so that now we know it too; basically Desmond was a bit of a player in his youth but he settled down as soon as he met Erica, that Erica was a bit of a starlet but she gave it all up to settle down with Desmond, and oh yes, the island they live on is called The Garden Of Evil. Because of course that's what you'd call your tropical island getaway. Upshot of the scene; she's flying down to the island with him.

At the house, Desmond is having another tantrum, before stalking off upstairs in his weirdly stiff way that he walks; his legs never bend! It's very disconcerting, I can tell you. Anyway, once he's gone, Rexal and Doc Lincoln have this exchange;

Rexal: Doctor, can your modern science ever raise the dead?

Lincoln: Not any more than your voodoo beliefs. Without the breath of God there is no life, and the dead belong to him.

Just take that in for a moment. Forget the Doc babbling about the dead belonging to God for now, and just savour that most casual of mentions that Rexal is a fucking voodoo worshiper! This show is batshit, I kid you not. The scene closes on her staring up at a picture of what someone I assume is meant to be Desmonds ancestor; on account of it looks exactly like him except in ye olde fashioned clothes; and hissing at it that he belongs to the devil. As you do.

Here's the thing though. It's fucking Bill Compton! Look at him! Tell me that's not Bill Compton!

Bill Compton

Anyway, some time passes and then Rexal decides to give Desmond a speech about how the great spirit of voodoo rules the island; how his family has been cursed for generations; how she can tell that he plans to tamper with ancient evil forces; and how what he's doing is flying in the face of God. It's quite a mouthful, to be fair. And his response?

Desmond: On this island, from this moment forward, I am God.

To which the painting of his ancestor says, 'Bravo!'

You didn't read that wrong. The fucking painting applauds him. Which freaks out Rexal, but practically gives him an orgasm. Rexal tells him that his ancestor was the Devil, so he sends her to bed and has a bit of a chat with him. And then...

I give up. We're back in whatever the fuck times that is meant to be,

and the same dude as plays Desmond is playing his ancestor, Jacques, looking very smug with himself. He's just gotten married and his wife is having a go at him for looking at other women, so he wins her over by, amongst other things, calling her his pigeon, which I wouldn't have thought would work, but hey ho. Then he takes her for a walk on the cliff top with a  psycho look in his eye, so I bet I know where that is headed, but we don't see it on account of we jump back to the present. Just as it was getting good!

Painting Jacques is telling Desmond that if he goes and gets him out of his tomb, he'll arrange for his missus to come back to life. Desmond is wary of doing a deal with the devil but, on account of being a fucking nutjob, not that wary.

So, after screaming that he won't release Jacques from his tomb, and throwing his drink at the picture, he... rushes down into the family crypt and starts humping Jacques tomb, while talking about having 'found the way'. You're sending mixed signals there old son. Sort it out.

My mistake, it's his wife's coffin he's humping; I thought she was upstairs, getting dry iced? Whatever, maybe it's empty. Maybe he just keeps a random coffin in the tomb for humping purposes? Regardless, he soon finds Jacques coffin and starts pulling it from it's slot on the wall. Will he release him?

Who the fuck knows? Not me, because the show has jumped to Farringdon(?) and Doc Carr, who have made it to the Caribbean already, if not Desmonds island. That whole plot strand is moving in a different time stream to Desmonds, I swear. Anyway, they can't get to his island on account of the storm, so they're getting sloshed instead. Best thing, I reckon.

A singer comes on in the bar. She's had a request for an oldie. Can you guess what it is? 'That old black magic'. Because this show is nothing if not as subtle as a fucking brick.

The song plays over intercutting of the bar, and Desmond opening Jacques coffin to find a weird little voodoo doll thing. Obviously.

 He pulls out the spike in the doll, which cause Rexal to pitch a fit upstairs and then run down into the crypt. While she's on her way down we get a shot of the painting frame empty and Jacques stood holding the doll, talking of the spell being broken; but when she gets down there it's Desmond holding the doll and looking all calm, followed by another shot of Jacques back in the painting.

I have zero fucking clue what is going on. Especially since his final line is 'Why what's the matter, Monsieur Rexal?' Monsieur? Did I miss something? She's a fucking woman, surely? God knows.

So that was episode one of Strange Paradise. I'll say this for them, they crammed a lot in; Dark Shadows would have made this lot last a dozen episodes at least. Made for a long post though, sorry about that. Hopefully it'll calm down now they've set out their stall.

Next Tuesday, I'll have episode 21 of Dark Shadows, and then next Thursday it's episode 2 of Strange Paradise. I hope you'll come check them out. You know, if you want to. 

Dark Shadows Episode 20

Last time, on Dark Shadows...

Joe almost broke up with Caroline, who then got told off by Elizabeth for being naive, and Bill talked to Sam the Riddler about Burke of the Chin for a bit, which told the audience nothing new but did allow Sam to do a bit of his best 'freaking out' acting; say what you will about Sams riddler-ific soliloquy fetish, but he gives good paranoia.

There was no sign of Burke, nor indeed Roger and Vicky W, who are on their way to confront him about his part in trying to kill Roger; a crime he didn't actually commit, but they don't know that on account of being thick as porcine excrement and unable to recognise a confession when a Devil Child runs up and punches them in the face with it.

Maybe they'll be in todays episode, which you can watch here if you so desire. We can but wait and see. Take it away, Vicky W...

My name is Victoria Winters. The road that leads down from Collinwood is steep, and winding. It twists and turns like the hidden secrets of my past, and now it has brought a man close to death; a man who is searching for answer of his own.

Not her best work; the metaphor is a little strained for one of my refined tastes; but it does what it needs to do. We know Roger wants answers and tonight, he's damned well going to get them. Or, you know, try to get them; this is Dark Shadows, so it's probably gonna take him a fortnight.

When Vicky W and Roger arrive at the hotel they are arguing, because of course they are, with Vicky insisting that he should go to the police and him having none of it. Who the Hell does she think she is, anyway? Bloody glorified babysitter, telling the man of the house what to do? Wouldn't have happened in his Daddy's day, that's for sure. He tells her to shut up, then leaves her in the cafe while he wanders off to find Burke. It's a thrilling moment to be sure; one more than exciting enough to end the teaser on... *cough*

Once the title music has droned for a bit, we fade back in and Vicky W is interrupted in her broody coffee drinking by Sam the Riddler, who's all smiles for once.

The Fuck you want?

Sam The Riddler: Hello, Miss Winters. You do remember me don't you?

Vicky W: Of course I do, you're the nutjob who terrified me half to death on a fucking clifftop then spouted pretentious portentous poppycock at me for what felt like 9 days. How lovely to see you again.

Sam starts to pump her for information, in his usual oh so subtle way, but she's in one of her more intelligent moods, on account of it's a Tuesday, and is having none of it. We do get this exchange though, before she fucks him off completely;

Sam the Riddler: It's a bad habit of mine, glancing back. One should always look ahead don't you think?

Vicky W: It can't always be done.

Sam the Riddler: True, the past can sometimes be a mockery to the future.

which is both profound, and completely meaningless, at the same time. Props, Bro! Of course, despite Vicky telling Sam nothing, he still manages to figure out that Roger is there to see Burke of the Chin. He aint no fool, old Sam.

At that very moment, Burke is upstairs, reading the lost and found ads in the local paper, when he hears a knock at his door. If this is Roger arriving he took his sweet time getting up those stairs; it's his arm in a sling, not his leg. It is Roger! Right, this is it! These two are gonna put the final fight in Rocky IV to shame!

Orrrrrrrrrrrr...not. *Sigh* Righto, war of words it is. We know Roger is serious though, because he turns down the offer of a drink. He doesn't do that if there's a number in the time or a Y in the day; and certainly not when both are happening at once.

You're babbling shit, man! Calm yo tits!

It's quite good actually, this scene. Roger is a smarmy fucker and winds Burke up something rotten, and Burke does righteous indignation proper well good. It's hard to take the piss to be hone... oh, there we go, Roger has asked for a drink after all. Good old Roger, never willingly ends a scene sober.

Sam has gone home, and is all agitated because he gets a phone call at such a late hour, and it wakes Maggie, who is apparently unwell. Or something. She looks pretty fine to me, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink. It turns out though, that she had been expecting the call; she's been getting updates on Sam's movements from everyone in town, the sneaky wee mare!

Sam's not best pleased about this invasion of his drunken privacy

Is it just me, or does it look like he's gonna murderise her?

but he soon calms down when she has a bit of a moan about the whole Burke Devlin situation, and says she wishes it would just end. Steady on Maggie! If that storyline ends this show is fucked!

Sam tells her that she may get her wish, that very night, which suggests to me that either he expects Roger and Burke to kill each other, or he's planted a nail bomb in Burke's hotel room. I wouldn't put it past him.

Back in said hotel room, intact and nail bomb blast free, at least for now, Roger is flat out accusing Burke. Burke isn't happy about the accusations; adamant as he is that all he wanted was to buy the Collins family business, not murder anyone. Personally, I believe him, because no-one with a chin like that could ever be truly bad; that's just science (mentisology, to be precise; a close cousin to phrenology whereby the determination of personality traits is achieved through the study of the chin).

Whether I believe him is immaterial though, because Roger is on a tear. Look at him, roaring like the vicious beast he is, and laying down some of ye olde smack on Burke. Figuratively speaking of course.

Burke refuses to admit his guilt, on account of he's not guilty, so Roger plays his trump card and sends down to the cafe for Vicky W. Will her evidence be enough to convince Burke to confess? Of course it won't. I bet we'll have to listen to her recite it all again though. Maybe she'll mention timetables.

Over at the home of Sam the Riddler he's looking for his sketchpad; have I ever mentioned that Sam is an artist? No? Well, Sam is an artist. Apparently, right, Burke used to model for him and everything. Anyway, he's looking for his sketchpad, while Maggie makes some tea. It's thrilling stuff, to be sure, so it is.

They have a bit of an argument, except not really, except they do, except... I'll be honest, the tone is all over the place, with them swinging from serious to joking and back again within the same sentence, so I'm fucked if I know, but it ends with them laughing, so let's assume they were joking. Sam goes to to bed, and the camera zooms in on one of his works; a picture of Collinwood.

Because...reasons?

Back to Roger and Burke arguing, about the same shit they were arguing about last time, until a knock at the door heralds the arrival of Vicky W to the scene. Ahh, Vicky W, it's so good to see you! I'm not sure why, since he knows he's innocent, but Burke of the Chin actually looks a bit worried at this point. Check it out.

What you doing here?

Maybe he just fancied trying out a new expression. God helps those who helps themselves, and you don't get better if you don't practise. And so on and so forth. Etc.

As I predicted, cos I is awesome at this shit, we hear Vicky W recount her evidence again, but then everything gets brilliant and Burke goes batshit mental, proper getting in Roger's face and being all butch and shit and basically telling him to stick his accusations up his arse cos he's not some kid who gets scared when the nobs from the big house start throwing their weight around. Go on Son!

 I was grinning like an idiot all through this rant, not gonna lie. And then, right, you won't believe it, he gives Vicky a bit of advice... he tells her to go home! They're never letting go of that are they? I did a proper squeaking noise when he said it. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have called this blog 'Turn Around And Go Home'.

Then we get an odd little coda where we see Roger and Vicky W arrive back at Collinwood, with no explanation as to how their meeting with Burke ended. Vicky asks Roger whether he's still sure it was Burke who tried to kill him and he confirms that he is, then tells her...

ROGER: ...did he frighten you? Did his speech make you scared and want to run home? Well you can't go now, because I need you here, and you've got to stay, whether you like it or not. Goodnight Miss Winters.

...and he's got this weird sort of psychotic smile on his face the whole time. I'm sure it made a nice change from being told to turn around and go home, but even so I think I'd have been crapping my pants if I was Vicky W. Just saying.

That's the episode. The whole Sam and Maggie thing was a pointless bit of nothing, but the Roger/Burke confrontation was properly dramatic, and given that we never see the ending of their meeting I'm choosing to believe that Roger has shivved Burke, and is now coercing Vicky W into helping him to conceal his crime.

It's the only logical reading of the material, so far as I can see.

Join me next Tuesday when I shall be watching episode 21 of this here show about shadows what are dark, but before then, in 2 days time to be exact, join me here for something a little different. Yes, I promised a new addition to the blog in 2013, and I'm nothing of not a man of my word. Will it be Strange Paradise, or will it be Passions? Or could I have found a 3rd alternative and just never mentioned it? Only one way to find out!

Dark Shadows Episode 19

Here we are again, in Collinsport, Maine. When last we left the residents of this sleepy little hamlet, Devil Child David was announcing that he hates his Dad, and Vicky W was being dragged off by said Dad, aka Creepy Uncle Roger, to confront Burke; he of The Chin; about trying to kill Roger. Little did either of them know, because neither of them has the wits God gave a traffic bollard, it's actually David who's the attempted murderer.

Other people are in the midst of doing other shit as well, but they weren't in the last episode and I can't remember any further back than that; if you're curious, you could go and read the posts. Hashtag Fucking Massive Hint. Hashtag I Want More Views.

Anyway, today we watch episode 19, which you can see here if you so desire, and we begin, as ever, with Vicky W;

My name is Victoria Winters. The tension seems endless. So much has happened since I first set foot in Collinwood, and faced the woman who hadn't left it's grounds in 18 years; a woman who has been shocked by an attempted murder; a woman who is torn with concern for the one person she loves most in this world.

Seems we're going to be focusing on the Lady of the Manor herself, Elizabeth, in this episode. Could be worse, I suppose; at least this way we're guaranteed some decent line fluffs.

We fade in on her ladyship, wearing a dressing gown, so we're obviously not too far ahead of last episode, coming downstairs looking all agitated and nervous. She looks at the clock, then wanders around for a bit, until the phone rings. It's Bill! They didn't forget about him for 10 episodes this time, which must have been a relief for the actor.

He brings bad tidings; he can't find Caroline! But he does reassure Elizabeth that Caroline won't do anything stupid. Which shows what he knows; she's probably up in Burke of the Chin's rooms right now, getting her 50 Shades on. She's a kinky one, that Caroline.

Aww, look how worried she looks. 

She hangs up and heads into the hall to listen to the clock chime. We get 10 chimes before the theme music kicks in. Which is odd, considering it chimed midnight 2 episodes ago, and we're meant to be still on the same night, so... Moving on.

Sam the Riddler is getting pissed at the pub when Bill comes in looking for Caroline. When he hears that Caroline and Burke might be together, he shits his pants. Doesn't stop him from letting Bill buy him a drink though; Sam is nothing if not a fiscally sensible drunk.

Onwards again. Caroline and Main Squeeze Joe have reunited and headed into the cafe; sans Burke of the Chin, so no kinky sex for Caroline tonight; to buy some Hamburgers. At, like, 2am or whatever the hell time it is. I wanna live in that town, cos I struggle to find somewhere to sell me a toastie after 4pm round my way, and that's in major shopping centres!

Look how angry! Fuming, he is.

Enough of my woes; they're still arguing, about Burke of course. Joe even goes so far as to intimate that he might dump her! I'd say he was a fool for letting someone so cute slip through his fingers, but anyone who's been paying attention knows Vicky W is well up for a bit of his square jawed attentions, so he's quids in regardless. We'll have to wait and see how it plays out though; he'll probably be proposing again next time we see them.

Back to Bill and Sam, were Sam pries the news about Roger out of Bill, and promptly freaks out and does a runner, much to Bills consternation. Serious speculation time; does this mean Bill is unaware of Sams involvement in whatever caused the animosity between Roger and Burke? He doesn't seem to be able to figure out why Sam is so nervous; maybe Sam has been kept out of the story somehow? Who knows?

Meanwhile, in a thrilling development Joe has had to collect the burgers from the kitchen himself, because the cafe is shorthanded (or in other words, we've already seen our quota of characters for this episode). And he's talking about marriage! Yes! He's not proposing, but come on! I could write this shit I swear to God.

They have a bit of a powwow about how Caroline has to live her life her own way; this is definitely a break up talk, unless I'm missing some subtext or other; and then Sam the Riddler walks in and looks shocked to see Caroline, while the dun dun durrrr music swells. Cue ad break.

Fade back, and we're on Elizabeth up at the big house; for the first time since scene one, which pisses on my assertion that we were gonna see a lot of her this episode. Yeah, yeah, fuck off, I was nearly right about Joe wasn't I? No-ones perfect!

The phone rings, because of course it does; they wouldn't have cut back to her if she didn't have something to say and there's no way they're introducing another character into the ep at this late stage, so she had to get a phone call from someone we've already seen. See, I'm getting the hang of how this show works.

It's Bill. Sam has called him to let him know where Caroline is and he's told her about Rogers accident and sent her home. So presumably a deal of time has passed since Sam walked into the cafe and saw her. Equally presumably, the dramatic music when he did so was fucking meaningless, cos all he did was call Bill; they made you think he was gonna kill her with a chair leg or something.

Bit of a scene with Bill and Sam next, but they just go over old ground and remind us of various bits of plot that we might have forgotten since the last time they filled an episode with pointless reminders. Moving on.

Caroline arrives home, with Joe in tow; so even if he's dumped her, he's good enough to drive her home. That's a gent right there folks! Unless he's just hoping to meet up with Vicky W.

Caroline races up to see her Uncle Roger in his sick bed. You won't find him there love, he's off into town to play hard man! In fact, shouldn't they have passed on the road? Or, given that there only seems to be two locations in the town, bumped into him there? Hmm, maybe he and Vicky W have pulled into a lay-by somewhere for some gear stick training.

Anyway, devoid of any Vicky to flirt with, Joe is ready for heading home, but he's got no chance; Elizabeth drags him into the study for some MILFtastic anal lovemaking. Or to talk to him. One of those.

It's been so long Joe, so very long. Won't you end my torment?

Ah, turns out she just wants to pump him. Not like that! She wants information about Caroline, but he's a gentleman dontcha know, and he doesn't want to talk. She's just about to break out the old car battery to the testes trick to get him to talk when he's saved by Caroline, rushing in to lament Rogers absence. Whereupon all hell breaks looks.

Elizabeth immediately deduces that he's gone off to fight Burke. "At this time of night?" queries Caroline. Oh yes, and what time would that be Caroline? Eh? Come on!

Joe rushes off to check if Rogers 2nd car is in the garage, and Elizabeth uses the alone time to go proper batshit angry at Caroline. Caroline is having none of it though, and gives as good as she gets, even going so far as to refuse to believe that Burke was responsible for the crash. Granted, it because she fancies him rather than any deeper reading of the evidence, but still.

There's a brief moment where we think we're about to get a bit of backstory; Elizabeth starts telling Caroline about what happened ten years ago, at the trial of Burke of the Chin; but it's a false alarm. She tells her a bunch of stuff we already know, and then they have a bit of a stare down for a minute before the dramatic music swells and Caroline tries to escape the tedium by wandering into the fireplace.

'Don't you turn your back on me!' 'Get to fuck you old hag!'

 'Damn you, little barrier thing I don't know the name of!' she's no doubt thinking. 'Damn you all to hell!'

That's the episode. Since the only real plot to speak of in this show is the Roger/Burke rivalry, and neither of those characters actually appear in this episode... yeah, there's not a lot going on here.

We don't even get any decent line fluffs from Elizabeth, or Vicky W in her pyjamas. What were they thinking? It's like they don't know their audience at all!

Join me next time, when we'll hopefully see a bareknuckle, drag out, brawl between Roger and Burke. They're gonna put Philo Bedoe to shame I tell ya!

I'm starting to hate this man with a fiery passion.