Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Dark Shadows Episode 32

Greetings, Shadow Babies, and welcome to another installment of my trek through the labyrinthine corridors of Collinwood, and the lives of it's inhabitants.

When last we stopped by this way Burke of the Chin and Devil Child David; henceforth to be referred to collectively as Moriarty Inc; had hatched a fiendish plot to clear Davids name in the case of his attempted patricide. Roger wasn't buying it though.

Oh, and Burke made what I think was the first move in an elaborate seduction attempt on Vicky W. And who could blame him? Let;s see what they have in store for us this week; take it away Vicky W...

My name is Victoria Winters. Here at Collinwood there is a moment of quiet; even the wind has subsided and the threat of a storm is a thing of the past. But there are other storms; the unending chill of fear that sweeps through the silent corridors, always reminding a man of how close he has come to death.

She's a cheery soul, is Vicky W, I've always said so. She's bang on the money this time though, because as she's talking we see the man himself, Roger of course, wandering around looking morose and being startled by every little sound. Poor creepy old man.

Luckily his loving sister Elizabeth, aka Lady of the Manor, arrives home to brighten up his night.

Actually, you know what, Lady of the Manor is far too cumbersome and I'm sick of typing it, so from now on she's Lizzie S. Ok? Ok.

So anyway, she arrives home from having visited Mathew, whose name she gets right on the first attempt, so I'm pretty sure she's drunk because that's never happened before, and because they love each other dearly they get into a disagreement. He wanders off and she looks a bit frowny'

frowny face
Aaaaaaand cue titles. When we come back she's followed him into the living room to shout at him a bit more and what is he doing?

Of course he is

It's obviously not his first, either, because he addresses her as LizDaviLiz, apparently confused as to whether he was talking to his sister or his son. You got it right the first time mate, don't overthink things.

They bicker a bit more, mainly about Davids behaviour and whether Roger is within his rights to lock him in his bedroom and throw away the key, before we cut away to...

Constable Awesome! Hells Yeah!

He's looking at some evidence that makes him want to talk to Bill. Now the thing about Bill is, I've forgotten who Bill is.

Ok, I paused the show and went back through my old posts and now I know who he is; he's the guy who disappeared for ages and when he came back I made a joke about how I hoped the writer didn't forget about him for ages again and then the writer forgot about him for ages again.

I hope the writer doesn't forget about him for ages again again.

Anyway, by a shocking coincidence the guy who hasn't been seen in ages just so happens to be in the police station wanting to see Awesome at the exact same time Awesome wants to see him. I reckon he's been squatting in the station toilets.

That sounds wrong. Moving on.

Bill has shown up to give Awesome some info that he thinks will help him put Burke of the Chin away. But it's all old news, and Awesome tells him as much. Then he asks Bill for information about the Collins family, figuring that since he manages their businesses for them he knows them better than anyone. Bill, partly because he knows which side is bread is buttered, and partly because he fancies the pants off of Lizzie S, refuses.

They go back and forth on it for a while, before Awesome reveals that he only really wants information on one member of the family in particular. Devil. Child. David. DunDunDurrr!!!!

I done figured it out yo!
Up at the house Roger and Lizzie S are arguing about David. Still. I detect a theme. BUT! We're getting some nice little tidbits here, which I don't think we knew before, although it's possible I just forgot; I did take almost a year off from watching the show after all. Bad Paul! Anyway, it seems that before Roger married his wife, she was with Burke of the Chin. It further seems that the wedding was soon enough after her being with Burke, and David was born soon enough after the wedding, that Roger has long suspected David of being Burkes kid! Hashtag PlotTwist!

That's essentially all we get out of that scene, and then we're whisked straight back to Awesome and Bill. Come on Awesome, my son, make him crack! Lock that Devil Child up for good!

Remember way back when Awesome had the wrench and David 'accidentally' touched it so he'd have an excuse for his fingerprints being on it? Remember how Burke said that he picked the wrench up after someone else had left it laying? Remember how Awesome is awesome? Well, Awesome has figured out that one of Burkes fingerprints is overlapping one of Davids. Ergo, David must have handled it long before his 'accidental' touch, and before Burke was seen with it. Ergo, David is the villain. Ergo, Awesome is FUCKING AWESOME!


Poor Awesome though; he's all conflicted and shit. He doesn't want to arrest a little kiddy-winkle. He wouldn't be so conflicted if he knew it was a Devil Kiddy-winkle.

Up at the house Roger and Lizzie S are still fucking arguing! Roger is determined that he is going to have David locked up in some kind of secure ward for deranged young 'uns but Lizzie S is having none of it. David is family dammit, and the Collins clan doesn't turn it's back on family! She demands that Roger shut up and stay out of the way, so that she and Vicky W can give David a happier life, away from his Dads constant barrage of hate.

Roger is less worried about Davids emotional well-being than he is being brained with a rock or finding arsenic in his tea. As if Roger has ever drunk tea.

Just as they are about to reach an accord; read, Roger is about to back down, there's a knocking at the door. Who might this be?

Er... it's Awesome. Now, I'm always happy for more Awesome on my screen but I'm not sure the timing quite makes there. Ah well. Lizzie S looks ready to drop a brown one in her pants when she sees him.

Awesome wanders on in to the living room to have a chat with Roger; presumably to break the news to him that his son is a  murder baby. Once Lizzie S changes her soiled pants she joins them, and the stage is set for Roger to give an incredibly sarcastic drunken speech about family loyalty. Say what you will about Roger; that he's creepy, that he's a crap Dad, that he's not nearly as clever as he thinks he is; but he does do drunken sarcasm really really well. I'm guessing he's had a lot of practise.

lemme tell you shumthingggg
I'm not sure Awesome is impressed.

Roger is spouting all sorts of stuff about how Awesome was right all along not to think Burke was responsible, and how he and Lizzie S had been blind to the truth. Awesome keeps trying to bring up the wrench and the fingerprints but Lizzie S fobs him off with a story about how the valve had been loose for weeks and had just fallen off by itself and how sorry they are for wasting police time and won't you just fuck off and leave us alone you awesome awesome flatfoot you.

 Roger is aghast; he wants David locked up dammit! He's too busy pouring himself another drink to intervene too strongly when Lizzie S steers Awesome to the door. Awesome agrees to drop the case, since it was an accident after all, but I don't think for a second he believes it. He's too awesome to fall for such an obvious con job.

Indeed, as he's being shuffled out of the door he turns back to Roger and says...

Give my regards to your son, won't you.

Poor Awesome and Roger. Against the force of Lizzie S's will, they stood no chance.

Roger stalks off upstairs, disgust etched across his face. Lizzie S calls after him, wanting him to accept that she did the right thing;

Lizzie S: I had to lie to him, don't you see? I had to protect David!

Roger: You protected a monster Liz, and don't ever forget that. Because there will come a day, perhaps not tomorrow, but it will come, and you will regret it.

 You tell her Roger! Perfect opportunity to get the little Devil Child out of everyone's hair and she blew it! She'll rue the day when he drops a flower pot on her head, or pushes her off a cliff, or pushes a wardrobe down the stairs at her.

So that's another episode of Dark Shadows done and dusted. I got what I wanted, in that the car crash storyline seems to have been resolved, albeit in a bit of a cop out fashion. I just hope it doesn't mean Awesome is gone for good; that wouldn't do at all!

And while I'm on the subject of Awesome, what was all that about with Bill at the start of the ep? Bill turned out to be completely superfluous to the plot! I reckon they just needed someone for Awesome to explain the fingerprint thing to, the Bill actor was hanging around set and it saved them the trouble of hiring someone to play a deputy. Just a thunk.

Join me again, Shadow Babies, when we see what fresh intrigue they come up with to replace the car crash saga. My money is on Moriarty Inc kidnapping Vicky W and forcing her to play tiddly winks for 19 episodes. But we shall see.


  1. The flubs are extrordinarily good in this one: "flishing feet", Roger calling Elizabeth David, and and and. All kind of great great flubs! The professionality with which all the actors just keep on is astounding.
    Roger is an especially conpetent flubber!

    1. Yes! I don't know what it is but when the others do it, it's jarring, whereas when he does it he recovers instantly and manages to make it believable. Like, the character is angry or upset, so he's losing control of his words slightly, rather than the actor messed up.

      I do wonder how some of the stars of today would have coped under these conditions though.