Monday, 20 January 2014

Strange Paradise Episode 12

Who's God on this blog? I'm God on this blog! And don't you forget it!

When last we visited this Strange Paradise Doc Carr wrote a letter to her fuck buddy Dan Forrest, but couldn't get anyone to mail it for her. It was a veritable rollercoaster of emotion.

I don't know how they can even hope to top themselves this time, but let us venture now to the play button, and find out.

We open with Raxl giving Cryo-Wife a bit of a hug.

I don't know what it is with people in this house hugging what is essentially a chest freezer, but they do seem to like it. Anyway, she pontificates at the coffin for a bit then Quinto comes wandering in and Raxl immediately launches into a speech at him too. Raxl likes to speechify, I've noticed.

Quinto! The Devils strength is gaining, we cannot fight alone...The Temple of the Serpents! We must call The Conjure Man!

I don't think he likes that idea
It's ok though Quinto, because;

He will not harm you! Not again, I promise.

Not again! So what did he do last time? Eh? Quinto is obviously fucking terrified of the dude, so it must have been bad. Raxl is brooking no argument though and soon enough she's dragging poor Quinto off to see the bloke, speechifying all the while. Compassion, thy name is Raxl.

Once they're in the temple Raxl starts screaming about the Devil being loose and needing the Conjure Mans help. Cut to Tarot Lady putting her make up on. Which struck me as odd but whatever. Turns out that Raxl only fucking appears in her mirror and demands help! So I guess Tarot Lady is the go-between for auld Conjure Dude? She tells Raxl that witchcraft can't beat the Devil, they'll need God to help.

Reverend Ted McGinley! Hey, he's a vicar! Maybe he can get God on side! Just a suggestion, like. Although he's a bit busy at the moment, stroking his bible. Er...

Seems like Tarot Lady has the same idea as me, because she soon breaks into his reveries with a request for his help in 'shaping the future.' He isn't keen. Can't she see he has moping to do GodDammit? His underage stalkee has run away from him, let him moon in peace woman. Sheesh.

They talk for fecking ages, but don't actually accomplish anything other than to remind us that he fancies Holly, so we'll move on.

Raxl, convinced that the Conjure Man will now help them, sends Quinto off to the mainland with Jean-Paul and a shopping list. She squeezes in another little speech to Cryo-Wife as well of course, because a Raxl scene without a speech is like a cricket match without a  hole in one.

Jacques decides that he should go in Jean-Pauls place, because his plans are in motion now and he doesn't want Jean-Paul to screw them up. We learn this by listening to the talking portrait of Bill Compton do a soliloquy. Yes, they point a camera at a painting and pipe in a voiceover. Because they're super high tech on this show.

There's a brief scene of Jacques being faintly obnoxious to Quinto and confiscating his shopping list, and then it's off to Cafe Le DayGlo again to see Reverend Ted McGinley, sitting around reading his bible like a good little paedophilic vicar when who should wander in but...

Holly's Mum!
Fairly sure he refused to tell her where he was going when last they spoke so God knows how she's tracked him down, but let's not dwell on that little detail. Let's see what she wants, as if we don't already know.

Her first line is a doozy, I have to give her that;

The Bible, I see. I'm not surprised you feel the need of a refresher course.


That's as interesting as the scene gets though, because if I tell you that their conversation contains the lines 'We seem to have had this conversation before' and 'This may also seem repetitious' you'll understand why I honestly think the writer was trolling like a fucking master.

The Mum from Hell departs and in comes Tarot Lady who promises to help Reverend Ted find Holly. We're not listening to them anymore though, because we're distracted by the fact that Jacques and Quinto have wandered in and are having a very conspicuous conversation at the back of the shot. Jacques is being a right old perv.

Hmmm, yes, Jacques likey

We don't get to see Jacques seduction technique though because we cut away to the mansion where 30 year old teenager Holly is admiring the talking portrait of Bill Compton. Well, I say admiring,... I think she's meant to be nervous, but who can tell?

Her reverie is interrupted by Raxl, with a greeting that is scarcely more polite than 'da fuck you doing here, bitch?' To be fair to her, she takes this in quite good humour. I suppose she is still a guest in the house and doesn't want to rock the boat. Either that or she's planning to add Raxl to her little black Death Note book when she gets back to her room. Oh, and she appears to have caught some kind of flesh eating infection.

Stop rubbing your arm woman! It's distracting!
Anyway, they just talk about the portrait of Bill Compton for a bit and then we head on over to Cafe Le DayGlo to see what Jacques is up to. No, he's not in the toilets slipping one up that leggy lass from earlier (I am so sorry). He's at the bar, ordering himself a wee drinky-poo.

After a really laboured joke about not being able to stand the heat BECAUSE HE COMES FROM HELL YOU SEE he starts to burn the letter he confiscated last episode but is stopped by Tarot Lady, who makes him spill his drink on it. Then they saunter off to a table for a chat, leaving the half charred letter unattended which I'm sure won't be important at all.

Their conversation is quite intriguing though; they seem to be hinting that Tarot Lady is well aware that he is Jacques the 300 year old devil worshiper returned from Hell, rather than Jean-Paul the 30 something millionaire with a dead wife in the chest freezer.

At least, I think that's what they're implying. It's hard to tell. This writer struggles to stay on the right side of the subtle/obtuse border.

BUT WAIT! Here comes Holly's Mum to interrupt their conversation and flirt outrageously with 'Jean-Paul', on account of how she's a money grabbing harlot don't you know.

My husband is dead you know. Just FYI. Don't even know why I bring it up, really.
Jacques sets the cat well and truly among the pigeons by telling her that Holly is on his island, much to the chagrin of Tarot Lady, who is desperately trying to signal to him that he shouldn't. He doesn't care, Tarot Lady! He's a Baddie! Come on, you know this!

Anyway, Jacques ends up inviting Holly's Mum back to the island for some rumpy pumpy on Cryo-Wife's coffin. I mean, to allow her to reconcile with Holly. Then do some rumpy pumpy on Cryo-Wife's coffin. Tarot Lady tries to throw a spanner in the works by getting Reverend Ted McGinley invited along, but Jacques is having none of it and the happy couple head off.

Shits well and truly up her at this development, Tarot Lady heads over to the bar to read the half burned letter that Jacques, because he is a terrible villain, has left behind. Upon reading it, she makes a decision...

Operator? Get me Doc Carrs Fuckbuddy!
Shit be about to go down, yo!

Now, in a sane world that would have been the cliffhanger but this is Strange Paradise where the rules of drama need not apply, so we're off back to the house instead where Holly, skin complaint all healed up, is enjoying a relaxing read on the sofa. I don't think it's a very good book though, because she keeps nodding off, and in the end she gives up and heads off upstairs. At that very moment Jacques and her Mum arrive and upon seeing them she runs off to lock herself in her room.

Jacques reaction to this 'childish' behaviour?

Well, you know, there's a little devil in all of us.

BADOOM, and indeed, TSHHH!

And that's the end of another episode. The house is really starting to fill up now; I bet it won't be much longer before Tarot Lady and Reverend Ted McGinley are shacked up there too. It'll certainly save on sets, if nothing else.

Anyway, on this blog I am God, so when I tell you to come back next time, you can't really say no, can you?

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