Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Strange Paradise Episode 11

Hello one and all and welcome to the blog on which, and I can't stress this enough, I am God.

Last time on Strange Paradise Painter Dude and Holly the 30 year old minor both wound up on the island and the talking portrait of Bill Compton told Jean-Paul that there was now enough people on the island for all their destinies to start coming to fruition.  And Reverend Ted McGinley mooned around a bit. The big old perv.

Shall we now delve into episode 11? I think we should you know.

Holly wanders onto the landing with a candle. She walks downstairs. She approaches the talking portrait of Bill Compton. She holds the candle up really fucking close to it. She walks away from it. She wanders through the doorway to the cellar.

This takes well over a minute in screen time and approximately 90 years in viewer time. I don't care how fetching the lass looks in her pajamas, a man has his limits.

It all pays dividends once she gets down into the cellar though, because Jean-Paul is there, talking to Cryo-Wife. He doesn't see her come in and she walks right up to him as he dry humps his wifes coffin while declaring his undying love. It's hilarious.

Da fucq?
Once he finally realises she's there, he tries to reassure her that everything is perfectly normal and she doesn't have to worry about the dead wife in the chest freezer. She, somewhat surprisingly, is having none of it and runs away screaming. It is, again, hilarious.


It's Razl! And she's on the stairs!
AWWW YEAH! This is what the show has been missing! Motherfuckin Raxl on the motherfucking stairs, motherfuckers!

She doesn't even make it halfway down when Holly comes screeching into view followed by Jean-Paul and Raxl, upon seeing how upset the girl is, decides that this is the perfect time to start going on about how the house is cursed and the island damned. Nice job there Raxl. Really making everyone feel better. In the end Jean-Paul tells her to fuck off and put the kettle on just to get her out of the room.

We get a fairly sweet little scene next in which Holly commiserates with Jean-Paul about Cryo-wife, and doesn't even call him a lunatic or anything, and he has some kind words for her about the death of her Father, and her Mother being a moneygrubbing sociopathic harridan.

But of course the nice stuff can't last for long, and sure enough here's Raxl back with hot chocolate for everyone. Vile concoction that it is. Jean-Paul insists that Holly take hers in another room, because...

This late at night? It's a little compromising for a man and woman to be left alone together. I'm sure Raxl wouldn't approve.

So after a touch more chat Holly follows Raxl up the stairs to have her hot brown vomit drink in her bedroom and Jean-Paul is left alone with his thoughts. Oh, and with the talking portrait of Bill Compton of course.

Like her? I do. We must keep that nubile little one.

Because pervert.

Next morning, we meet Doc Carr for the first time in what feels like forever.

Here she comes, just a-walking down the stairs...
She's been in her room thinking, apparently. For 3 episodes. She's obviously got a lot on her mind. She beseeches Raxl to help her stop Jean-Pauls barn owls Cryofuckery scheme by helping to get in touch with her old fuck buddy Dan Forrest. But OH NOES!

Worst porno ever
Yes, Jean-Paul is listening to their every word! Or more accurately, he appears to be watching them film the scene on one of the set monitors. Yay Budget!

Luckily for Jean-Paul he has nothing to fear. Raxl is loyal, it seems, and will have no part of going behind his back. She proves this by walking away from Doc Carr and... going upstairs! Sadly we don't get to see another bout of stair walking from the Olympic champion because Painter Dude comes down the stairs and after they all have a bit of a natter she heads off to make breakfast.

Here's a thing though; she heads in the opposite direction to make breakfast than she did to make hot chocolate the night before. Either the house works like a Pac-Man maze or no-one involved in this show actually knows how the geography of the set is supposed to work. But that can't be true, can it?

Once Raxl is out of the way, because quite frankly who wants her around if she's not willing to make herself useful, Doc Carr explains to Painter Dude why his coming to the island to paint her sister isn't gonna work out. You know, because she's dead. And stuff. He takes it fairly well, all things considered.

He's a little confused as to why Jean-Paul didn't tell him Cryo-Wife was dead but he vows to paint the picture anyway, using photo reference. Doc Carr isn't best pleased and looks ready to all but throw him out the door. She gets awfully close to poking his eye out with that letter to Dan Forrest that's she's waving about like a madwoman. He'd not be painting any pictures if she did that!

Just post the fucking thing!
They decide between them that since Holly is, apparently, gonna get thrown off the island that very day, they can get her to mail the letter. Genius! They rush upstairs to barge into the sleeping teenage girls room and demand she help them, because if there's one time I'm most inclined to help virtual strangers with a bizarre conspiracy to stop a nutcase from going all re-animator on his dead wife it's while I'm drowsy and naked.

Of course, Jean-Paul is still listening to every word so he's just gonna decide not to kick Holly off the island after all, right? It's obvious! Come on writer man, at least try to surprise us!

Once they've gone Jean-Paul gets another message from the talking portrait of Bill Compton. It basically amounts to 'Kill them! Kill them all!'

but i don't wants to :(

Which is fine and all, but wasn't Talking Bill telling him just last episode that they were all necessary for destiny to play out? Make up your mind old son!

Cut to an indeterminate length of time later because we're in the same room but Jean-Paul is nowhere to be seen and we're watching Painter Dude trying to convince a now fully awake and dressed Holly to post Doc Carrs letter. I can see this storyline is gonna run and run.

Holly is reticent and Painter Dude resorts to telling her that Jean-Paul is a loony and she needs to leave to be safe, so she might as well take the letter with her. You know, the exact same argument that Doc Carr used on him. It has roughly the same level is success now as it did then.

Especially when Jean-Paul reappears and says that Holly knows everything and is totally cool with it, so she doesn't have anything to worry about. Except of course, it's not Jean-Paul, it's that dastardly cad of the highest order, Jacques!

They are shocked to see him, despite the fact that for a supposedly massive mansion we only ever see about 4 rooms so he was bound to show up sooner or later. But we do get this exchange, which is simply mindboggling in it's subtextual ambiguity;

Holly: Mr Desmond! Where did you come from?

Jacques: Oh, up there. [He points upstairs. Because that's where he came from. We saw him.] Oh, excuse me. Down there. [He points downwards. I have no idea why. It's clearly a clue of some sort, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.]


Anyway, he confiscates the letter, so maybe it isn't going to be quite as long running a plot as I'd thought, and then launches into a longwinded explanation about how he's going to bring Erica back to life. He uses analogies. The Arctic is mentioned. And devils. Also newspapers. I don't know.

But what's this? Someone is lurking in the background, eavesdropping on the conversation. (There's a lot of that about this episode.) It's Raxl! And she's...

On the stairs! 
She's also in full fucking view of Jacques. Espionage not Raxl's strongsuit then. Having heard what he has to say, she wanders down into the crypt to have a bit of a gossip with Cryo-Wife.

Who is he, Little Mistress? Your husband, or Jacques Elois DesMonde, a Satan out of the last 300 years? Battle lines must be drawn in the mystic world, to protect the dead, and those destined to die!

Points well raised, I'm sure you'll agree. She doesn't wait around for an answer though, because A) the episode is over and she was being shooed off stage, and B) she's talking to a dead woman! She's as mad as her fucking boss is!

And so we come to the end of another nerve shredding installment of Strange Paradise. Once again the plot has stalled slightly; because unless that letter comes up again, this whole episode seems to have been completely pointless; but for all that it rattled along fairly well and didn't outstay it's welcome. Also, RAXL ON THE STAIRS, BITCHES!

I'll be back when I'm back with another episode but until then just bear this in mind; On this blog, I am God!

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