Last time: Burke of the Chin shouted at Constable Awesome, who gave not a single fuck; Maggie put the idea in Burke's head that her Dad, Sam the Riddler, may have been involved in the plot to frame him many years ago; and Devil Child David ate some ice cream, before spending the bulk of the episode crouched in a telephone booth. Cos that's just how Devil Children get their kicks in Collinsport.
Episode 29 opens, as all episodes do of course, with an expository voice over from Vicky W. Let's hear it, Vicky...
My name is Victoria Winters. The hours tick by in the great house on Widows Hill, and there is still no word. The boy I was brought here to tutor has not been found, and the faint whisper of fear is growing louder; fear that grips the heart of a woman who suspects a truth she cannot bear to face.
The woman in question is the Lady of the Manor, Elizabeth, and the truth is either that David is a patricidal murder baby or that David is gone for good/possibly dead. I'm not sure what they're driving at yet, I'll get back to you. Maybe.
Caroline returns home from looking for David and makes her Mum feel much better with a bunch of glib comments that are less full of bile toward David than last episodes were, but still pretty telling. I don't think she likes him.
Ha! I spoke too soon. Her comments are going to be full of bile! Excellent!
Elizabeth: I love David.
Caroline: He's a horror and you know it.
|How very dare you!?!|
Elizabeth tells Caroline that she will never forgive Vicky if anything happens to David, because exposing his demonic tendencies of course makes Vicky culpable if he runs away and gets eaten by cannibals. Stands to reason.
After the titles dirge their way dirge-fully through the dirge like music, we come back on Burke of the Chin, arriving home after a trying day of berating weaselly co-conspirators and getting stonewalled by awesome, awesome policemen. His day isn't over yet though, because who should follow him into his room but noted phone booth croucher and junior car mechanic of the year, Devil Child David! Fuck yeah, time for excrement to meet air mover.
Burke is being quite nonchalant about the whole thing. I can't help thinking he's underestimating David, and that it'll be his undoing. We'll see.
David quickly explains to Burke that his previous attempt to break into his room was all a big misunderstanding, honest guv, because it always pays to get your excuses out of the way early. Burke is going to ring Collinwood to let them know David is safe but David asks him not to and he relents. The fact that David looks like this...
|I will stare at you until you run away|
Burke heads off to the kitchen to make David something, which is probably the shows way of saying 'this plot thread has about 5 minutes of relevant conversation in it, but has to last the entire episode, so... you know. Sorry.' I'm wise to this writer now.
Burke's reassurance to David that he won't tell on him:
I've broken many promises in my time. To doctors, lawyers, firemen...even an Indian chief. But a nine year old boy? Never!
is just... hilarious. It's not just me, right? Indian chief? Firemen? I don't know, I've never felt a piece of dialogue stick out so badly since Vicky W was going on about timetables all the time.
Anyway, Burke leaves the room and David, because he's a fucking criminal genius, 9 years old or not, plants the bleeder valve from his dads car under the cushions on Burke's sofa. Cold Moriatying it up up in here.
Back at the house Elizabeth is collared by Vicky W and despite trying her best to give her the cold shoulder Vicky is having none of it and insists on talking about David. Elizabeth blames Vicky for driving David out and Vicky is all, 'all I did was discover evidence that he's a cold blooded killer' and Elizabeth is all 'I don't believe that' and Vicky W is all 'Well fuck you too, woman, cos I knows what I knows and I aint backin down, Biatch' and it's all very sexy.
|Why won't you believe me, you blind fool|
Later, Vicky is being all winsome and shit, looking out of her bedroom window, and she's joined by Caroline who, in her best adorable way, attempts to cheer her up. Neither of them have their minds on the conversation though, because they're distracted by the huge camera casting a shadow on the window frame. After a bit of discussion about the coming storm, and how the place will be extra spooky once the power goes out and the ghosts can pounce from the flickering candle light; Caroline is THE BEST at making things seem better; they head inside. Where they become distracted by their obvious burning lust for each other instead.
|Take me, you mad fool!|
Over at Burke's rooms, he and David are having a wild old time.
|Can't be tamed|
It's a shame Burke is just playing him, really. The scene ends on a faintly menacing, 'you are going to be my friend, aren't you David?' and for the first time ever, you feel for the kid.
Back up at the house Caroline is giving her mother what-for over her treatment of Vicky W, and quite right too. Damn you, Lady of the Manor, for making Vicky W feel bad! They go over the plot a few times and then the phone rings. It's Maggie, letting them in on what went down in the last episode. Which of course prompts Elizabeth to send her own daughter driving into town in the middle of a massive storm, to try to find David. He's not worth risking Caroline, you muppet!
|Look how worried she is. About the psychotic murder baby.|
Elizabeth makes some feeble excuse about checking the windows before the storm, but we all know she's there for a little Legends and Starlets style action...
Or to apologise for her recent outburst. Whatever. My way would have been better. Once her apology is out of the way, Elizabeth launches into a little speech, because why not, right?
He [David] belongs to this house, Miss Winters, and there's no peace here. Not for me, not for Caroline, not for poor little David. And I'm not sure there ever can be peace.
Yet another hint there, that this house might not be entirely normal. I wish they'd just come out and fucking say it.
Back to proto odd couple Burke and David now, where David is bemoaning the fact that his Dad hates him. Burke tries to reassure him that it may not be as bad as all that with a story about his own Dad, but it's no use. David is just a miserable little fucker by nature. I can relate.
Burke flat out asks David why he came to his rooms. Just when you think David might admit the truth; they're best buddies now, after all; he launches into a tale of how his mum and dad would always fight about Burke, so he was curious to see what all the fuss was about. Devil Child has an answer for everything, so he does.
Of course, just because he has an answer, doesn't mean Burke of the Chin believes it, because Burke of the Chin is a Machiavellian genius himself, and can spot that kind of thing a mile away. He doesn't push David on it though. I think he's spotted a kindred spirit and wants to cultivate a partnership. Who knows?
Burke agrees to drive David home before the big storm hits, but insists that David go and wash up in the bathroom first. It's as transparent an excuse to get him out of the room as ever there was, and David knows it, but there's nothing he can do about it and off he trudges. As soon as he's gone, Burke retrieves the evidence from the couch. He knew all along! Burke 1, David 0.
|But what will he do about it?|
I do hope this car accident storyline is over soon though.
Join me again next time for episode 30, wherein major shit will undoubtedly go down, I can just smell it.