Strange Paradise Episode 14

See this blog, right? This one here, yeah? The one you're reading? Well, on this blog, I am God. It's important that that's clear.

Last time on Strange Paradise; Evil Mom made a play for Jean-Paul in the hopes of putting her gold digging skills to good use; Raxl demanded that a terrified Quinto (who definitely reminds me of someone but I'll be damned if I can figure out who) get in touch with Conjure Dude; and Jean-Paul speechified at Cryo-Wife for a bit about how guilty he feels or the shit he does while he's possessed by Jacques.

Oh, it was a packed show, and no mistake. They even found time to perpetrate one of the worst fucKING BAIT AND SWITCH TEASES I'VE EVER SEEN, but I'm not bitter so I'll probably not even mention it. Let's see what episode 14 has to offer.

We open on Jean-Paul, fiddling with the gauges on the tea urn and making notes, before he launches into his opening monologue.

Another day has almost passed. Another day, and another entry in this death diary. Oh Erica my darling, still there's no way that you have come back to me.

Pretty sure he fluffed that, but for the life of me I can't figure out what the line was meant to be.  Anyway, it's all the monologuing we're getting for now because in rushes Doc Carr, to have a go about how Cryo-wife is dead and he needs to get a fucking grip, but he's having none of it and insists that they'll be together again. Cue titles.

When we come back the first line goes to Doc Carr;

I didn't say you'd never be together again. (pregnant pause) You'll be together IN DEATH.

Fucking voice of optimism over here! It's being so cheerful that keeps her going! And just to compound the levity and air of general good cheer he decides to take her comment as a sign that she wants him to kill himself. I can see that this episode is gonna be a bundle of laughs.

They go around the doors for a bit about the validity of the Cry-fuckery but we get nothing new so let's move on to...

Tarot Lady, Bitches!

It's a nothing scene, really. She reads the fortunes of a young couple then chats to Reverend Ted McGinley about Holly, and insinuates that anyone on Jean-Pauls island is most likely up excrement stream with no implement handy to fight the tide. Then it's back to said island, where Doc Carr is running upstairs.

She's a fine lady in many respects is Doc Carr, but she's no Raxl when it comes to stair traversing. She barely gets three steps up before she's distracted by the portrait of Bill Compton. Bloody amateur.

Why am I drawn to you, Jacques Elois DesMonde? And why am I drawn to the man who resembles you so? My sisters husband!

That last part distresses her so much she decides to gnaw her hand off as a form of penitence.

Steady on Love.

Of course, these carnal lusts are enough to lure Jacques back into the world and sure enough he possesses Jean-Paul again and dives straight into his fucking creepy seduction technique that really shouldn't work but seems to make Doc Carr cream her knickers every time he does it. He also tries to convince her that the reason he
won't let her leave the island is not, as one might have assumed, because he is a crazy-ass nutjob, but rather that he simply needs her to stay on as Cryo-Wife's physician, now that the previous doctor is dead. He conveniently forgets to mention the part about how he killed the previous doctor, but I'm sure he was just sparing her unnecessary stress.

To her credit, and against the advice of her sopping ladyparts, she refuses to acquiesce and continues to insist on a christian burial for her sister. Dream on love.

After an ad break we're back, and this time we're with... Jacques and Doc Carr. Really? Almost nine minutes into the episode and aside from the 20 second scene Tarot Lady scene it's been all these two. I wonder if they're building up to something. Maybe Jacques is gonna make his move and they'll go all snog-tastic on us?

But first he has to give her a speech about how 'I have a secret that must remain a secret and the people who are here, all could reveal it.' See, because Cryo-wife! But also, because Jacques! It's, like, a subtle double meaning and shit. Also, he criticises her for saying she and the others are prisoners; no, they are 'detained guests.' Truly, he is on fine form with the bullshit tonight.

Oh. My. God. They just uttered one of the greatest puns I've ever heard. This is incredible. I'm never taking the piss out of this writer again; he's earned a lifelong free pass. Bear with me, it needs the build up;

Jacques: Come now Allison. Surely you don't find my company that repulsive?

Doc Carr: I find you, and everything you've done, distasteful and revolting.

Methinks the lady doth...detest...too much.

Detests too much! Fucking genius, I tell you!

Anyway, he tells her that she can whine all she likes but he's not letting anyone leave the island until Cryo-Wife is awake. End of.

Over at Cafe Le Day-Glo now, where Tarot Lady and Reverend Ted are having a chat. Let's see if they get longer than 20 seconds this time.

They do indeed, and their chat is, in a shocking twist, not dull as fuck. Reverend Ted ponders his calling as a man of God in light of his having the hots for 30year old teenager Holly, and then announces his intentions to travel to the island to help her face whatever it is that he thinks she's about to face. Tarot Lady warns him that when he gets there he will learn of an evil greater than any he ever dreamed existed.

Credit where it's due, they're doing a good job of making Jacques out to be a proper fucking evil shit. I doubt he'll live up to the hype when it comes to the endgame, but we can hope.

We nip over to the island for half a heartbeat to see Jacques leaving a recorded message for Jean-Paul telling him to make sure the guests all do as they're told while Jacques is out of action; which begs the question of where he goes between bouts of possessing Jean-Paul, but I doubt we're meant to think too hard about that. Then it's straight back to the cafe.

I don't even know

Reverend Ted, after a couple of minutes of feeling sorry for himself of course, gets filled in on the evil on the island. Tarot Lady drops mentions of her Dad, Conjure Dude and of Raxl, with whom she shares blood apparently, before telling Reverend Ted that;

The Anti-Christ walks on that island. And you must be there with bell, book and candle.

Ted takes it all in his stride, because he's a square jawed hero, dammit, and they put their heads together to work out how he's gonna wrangle his way on to the island. We don't hear their talk though, because we're heading back there ourselves. To find Jacques and Doc Carr apparently still deep in the same conversation they were having
the last time we saw them together. Which was before we saw him making his tape recording. Maybe he told her he was just nipping down to the loo, or something.

And nothing happens! She asks to leave and he says no! Again! This guy is gonna wear out his lifetime pass in one episode if he's not careful.

Back to the cafe. Remember last episode when Raxl sent Quinto off to see Conjure Dude? Sure you do, I mentioned it at the top there. Keep up! Anyway, it seems that he did indeed go to see Conjure Dude, but Tarot Lady told him to fuck off, cos Conjure Dude is too old and weak to see anyone. It all happened off screen, and we only know about it now because Tarot Lady is telling Ted about it. So... maybe they hadn't cast the role yet? Or they had, but the guy was busy filming a toothpaste ad until next week?

Anyway, Ted says that if Conjure Dude can't go back to the island to help Quinto and Raxl, maybe they can be persuaded to smuggle him across to help instead. Sound enough plan, you might think, but Tarot Lady poo poos it on account of how Quinto won't do anything without Jean-Paul's say so. Errr, he came to see Conjure Dude didn't he? Am I missing something?

Tarot Lady decides that she'll get him onto the island; although we don't know how yet; and she gives him a pack of Tarot cards to give to Raxl when he gets there. Apparently she's had some kind of vision that when she dies it'll be on the island, so she isn't going along for the ride. Wimp!

Back on the island again; we're on a fucking yo yo string now; and Jacques is looking totally not fussed about Doc Carrs handwringing.

He does not give a single fuck

We get one of those odd cuts where the scene barely gets going and then it fades out after about 30 seconds, before fading back in on the same characters in the same place having roughly the same conversation. This time though, it's obvious that time has moved on and now Jean-Paul has regained control of his body.The conversation has taken on a lighter tone, because obviously he's no longer belittling her with his every utterance, but he's still not gonna let her go. And this is before he's heard Jacques message to him.

It's a moot point anyway because she's apparently decided that she's staying of her own free will. Bit of a sudden turnaround if you ask me, but she has her reasons. Namely, all his sudden mood shifts and apparent split personality has convinced her that he needs a doctor on hand. She can't help her sister, but she can help her brother in law, which is the next best thing. Also, she can try to get into his pants. (She doesn't say that last part, but I bet you she's thinking it)

Look at her there, gazing lovingly into his deep blues. Love is most definitely in the air

The episode winds down with Doc Carr walking upstairs; she makes it the whole way up this time and we get to watch her do it, reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyyyyy slowly; and Jean-Paul goes down into the basement to talk to Cryo-Wife. He mainly wants to talk about Doc Carr, which I would imagine is a bit of a buzz kill for Cryo-Wife, but what do I know?I mean, if Cryo-Wife wasn't essentially an ice-pop at this stage.

Oddly enough, the theme music kicks in and the 'TO BE CONTINUED' sign floats onto the screen while Jean-Paul is mid sentence, and basically drowns out most of his speech. I'm not sure if they just over ran, or whether it was intentional, to show that he was just rambling about Doc Carr and likely to go on for some time. If that was the intention, it was pretty spectacularly botched, but I suppose with the editing facilities they were working with, they did the best they could.

So that's another episode. No Raxl, so no Raxl on the Stairs action, and Quinto didn't appear so I didn't have a chance to try to figure out who it is he reminds me of, but the plot made some deceptively large leaps forwards and the writer redeemed himself for last episodes FUCKING HORRIBLE TEASING BULLSHIT,  that I'm not bitter about in the slightest, with this weeks sublime Best Pun Ever. So there's that.

Join me again next time when I'm pretty sure Reverend Ted won't make it to the island and, because it has to happen soon, Conjure Dude will make an appearance. Until then, I'd just like to remind you all that on this blog, I am God, and failure to recognise that fact will invalidate all warranties.

Strange Paradise Episode 13

Well hello there! Come in, come in, take a seat, everyone is welcome here. On this blog. Where I am God. Just thought I'd mention that. Don't worry about it, just move right along to the next paragraph...

Last time on Strange Paradise,  Jacques seemed to decide that he was tired of sharing Jean-Pauls body and just took up permanent control; Raxl contacted Tarot Lady to enlist her help in getting the Conjure Man to join the fight against evil; and Hollys Evil Mum came to the house for a little visit, with the twin goals of getting her hooks back into Holly, and seducing the everloving heck out of Jean-Paul. She doesn't know that he's possessed by Jacques, of course, but I doubt that would stop her. Those two are a match made in the other place.

Where will todays episode take us? Who can tell? I doubt the writer even knew when he sat down to type SCENE ONE. Let's find out though, shall we?

We open on the Hollys Evil Mum coming down for breakfast, staring at the talking portrait of Bill Compton for a bit, having a bit of a flirt with Jacques and then standing around looking smug as Jacques mercilessly mocks Raxl for a couple of minutes. The actor is on fine form, I have to say, and the woman who plays Raxl is having a hard time keeping a straight face. All in all, an inoffensive cold open.

After the titles we get a bit more banter between the three of them, then Evil Mum is left by herself for a bit whereupon she starts wandering around, admiring the fixtures and fittings with an acquisitive glint in her eyes and muttering 'One day this will all be mine, mwahahahaha' under her breath. As you do. She shits herself though when she turns around and finds Quinto standing right behind her with his trademark mad stare on the go.

Da fucq you lookin' at?

You have to admire the guy playing Quinto. It's a thankless role, but I think he's having fun with it. He just stands and stares at her for fecking aaaaages, while she tries to shoo him off, it's brilliant. Or I'm easily pleased, one of the two.

Once she manages to get rid of Quinto, here comes Raxl. She's coming from upstairs, and not just because the actress is using the set as her very own stairmaster this time; she's been up waking Holly so the little dear can come have breakfast with her Evil Mum. Won't that be fun?

When asked what should be served for Holly's breakfast, Evil Mum replies with, 'I haven't the slightest idea what her tastes are. Or any respect for them.'  You know, because breakfast is being used as a microcosm of their entire relationship? It's called subtext, people! I'm not surprised you didn't get it, it was fiendishly subtle.

Anyway, talk moves on from Holly, to Mrs Desmond, and you can practically see the drool at the corners of Evil Mums mouth when Raxl says there isn't one. This is gonna make that whole gold-digging seduction plan way easier! Result!

Raxl wanders off when Holly comes down, but the scene is showing no signs of ending; their getting their money's worth out of Evil Mum this episode and no mistake! She tries to be all friendly with Holly but Holly is all, 'Get tae fuck ye wee money grabbing wench, I've nae time for tha likes of ye!' and strops off in a huff like a good little 30year old teenager.

Evil Mum follows her though and their argument intensifies; mainly over the inheritance coming Holly's way when she turns 21 but also about some piece of jewellery or other that Holly apparently pawned to get cash to run away. Evil Mum is gonna charge her with the theft in order to get her locked up, so she can keep control of the fortune.

You'd think that would be a mean enough thing for a woman to do to her daughter but Evil Mum isn't done yet. She insinuates, and this one was actually kind of subtle so I'll give them props, that she may kill Holly if that's the only way to stop her getting her inheritance; I started calling her Evil Mum as a joke cos she was a bit controlling and mean, but I think I may have been more on the ball than I thought!

Evil Mum CRUSH

Enter Jacques, who reminds us that no-one has actually eaten that breakfast they were going on a out earlier, and drags them off to the dining room because, as he puts it, 'It's always better to argue on a full stomach.' He's got a point, you have to admit.

As he leads them in to eat he entices them with the words, 'Come on, this isn't the time of the Borgias, there is no poison here', just in case you were feeling shortchanged in the barnowls crazy dialogue stakes this episode. And then Raxl pops up with...

'Except In The Air.'

...and that the writer is high this episode can no longer be denied.

After a short break in which the housewives of America were no doubt cajoled into buying soap powder, stockings and some smooth smooth cigarettes, we come back and the three of them are sitting around having a nice old natter. What I want to know is where Painter Dude and Doc Carr are. They're staying at the house too aren't they? Are they not allowed any breakfast? What's going on, Jacques?

Anyway, the conversation turns to jewellery, the sowing of youthful wild oats, and whether or not Jean-Pauls wife is deaded or not. Evil Mum is under the impression she is, but Jacques is being vague, which prompts her to ask, 'Do I deceive myself?'  Because that's totally how someone wonders if they've gotten the wrong end of the stick. Seriously, what is up with the dialogue this episode?

Jacques takes his leave, for no other reason than the writer needs Holly and her Evil Mum to be alone, and Evil Mum demands that Holly tell her once and for all what the score really is with Cryo-Wife.

Why? Are you after his money too?

Well, Duh! I figured that out ages ago and I haven't known her my whole life. Come on Holly love, get your act together! Holly does her patented teenage tantrum, which she does very well for a 30 year old,  and runs upstairs. You'll never guess who's coming down them as Holly goes up.

RAXL ON THE STAIRS

I'm really on board with all the renewed Raxl on the stairs action we've been getting lately. It speaks to my soul.

Raxl heads down to the basement to see Quinto, who apparently lives down there in a cell. Ok. He has a parrot, which is quite cute I suppose, and Raxl gives the parrot a treat, whilst smiling no less, which softens her character. Shame she ruins it all by demanding that Quinto gets in touch with The Conjure Man. You know, the dude who did Lord knows what to the poor sod, and leaves him quaking in fear at the mere mention of his name.

Who does he remind me of?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. First there is a scene that must go on for a good five minutes or more, in which Raxl basically explains the entire plot of the series so far. It had been on the air for less than 3 weeks at this point; did they really think their audience was that dumb?

Next scene has Painter Dude; so I guess he hasn't gone walkabout after all; sketching an animated and happy Holly, so I assume time has moved on a fair amount since she ran upstairs in a huff. Or she's just really changeable. Girls are like that; very flighty. I still don't trust Painter Dude by the way. In fact, you might say I think he's rather..

Sketchy. 

BOOM!

Moving on.

They're mainly nattering on about how weird it is that she is modeling for a portrait he's painting of a dead woman neither of them have ever met. Which is a pretty good point, to be honest, but they don't half ram it home. Painter Dude gets very animated at one point and declares 'I don't know how much more of this I can take!' which is very dramatic and everything but he only fucking got there yesterday. Have a bit of staying power man!

Some reiterating of their backstory; from, like, two episodes ago; is cleverly disguised as them commiserating over their respective misfortunes, before we move on to their deciding that if Evil Mum manages to snare herself a Jean-Paul, with all his fortunes, she'll have no reason to worry about the smaller fortune Holly is due to inherit.

Look at them there, spying on the oldsters. Judging them.

Sound reasoning, but I hope it doesn't lead to a fucking Parent Trap pile of bobbins.

Jacques comes barreling in and gets all snippy about them taking a break, insisting he wants to see the portrait 'this lifetime.' Again, Painter Dude only got there yesterday. I don't think they have a word for patience in...er... wherever this show is set.  What comes next is one of the most disgraceful act breaks I've ever seen. I'm serious, the writer was taking the piss, and he knew it.

Painter Dude points out that he's limited in what he can do with Holly as a model. After all, she looks nothing like Cryo-Wife, so all he can get from her is a basic shape and an idea of lighting; anything more and he's going purely from memory and one old sketch he did weeks ago. 'Oh no', says Jacques. 'That won't be necessary. I can arrange to refresh your memory.' He grins like a lunatic, the music swells, the camera zooms in for shocked close ups of all the other characters, and we fade to an ad break...

HE'S GONNA WHEEL OUT CRYO-WIFE!

No. He's gonna show Painter Dude some photo's. Fucking shameful. This is the second time in recent episodes that this show has made me genuinely angry at the writing. I honestly thought Chris Chibnall was the only guy who could have that effect on me these days, so, bravo, I guess.

Painter Dude and Holly are both as pissed off as I am and decide they can't possibly spend another minute in the company of such a horrible old hack tease, so they head upstairs to get changed for a swim. The prospect of seeing Holly in a bikini calms my anger a little. Just a little, mind. Fucking photographs.

Of course, once the 'young' ones are gone, all we're left with are Jacques and Evil Mum, so of course it's time for some awkward flirting; strained puns about Jacques being really really old, dead, and or the devil; and more awkward flirting.

Smooth As!

Jacques is definitely looking to tap that, asap, as the yoof would say.

There's a very brief interlude with Raxl and Quinto down in Quinto's dungeon-esque bedroom, where he's playing with a mouse while she yells at him about the Conjure Man. This shit was all sorted in their previous scene, so I assume the script was running short. I'd have preferred Holly in her bikini to kill the airtime, but whatever.

Back upstairs, and Jacques is plying Evil Mum with drink. She makes a token protest that it's too early in the day, but she's fooling no-one and soon enough they're chugging it back like they're Norm and Cliff. Shameful behaviour from two such pillars of the community.

Flirty flirty, knowing looks, kissing of hands... it's all happening, but Jacques decides, just as Evil Mum looks ready to pounce, that he has to be off. As he leaves, Holly enters and gives her Evil Mum a slow clap. Evil Mum just looks smug.

I don't understand why Holly is being so catty about the whole thing though. We've already established that the best thing that could happen to her would be for Evil Mum to hook up with Jean-Paul and/or Jacques. She's a fool to herself that girl.

Speaking of Jean-Paul, he seems finally to be getting his act together and wresting back control of his body. He's wandering round the crypts when it happens, and he has a bit of a speech, so we know it's him...

Oh Erica, what is he doing to me? What am I doing...when he enters my soul and possesses it, Jacques Elois-DesMonde! I pray that you know when he is in my being! That it is he, not I, that poisons the air... Did I say pray? I, that denied God, by denying you a Christian burial?

That's not the whole thing. It goes on in that vein for fecking ages. When he's finally done he goes and gives Cryo-Wifes coffin a bit of a hug, because it's been a while, and then the big neon TO BE CONTINUED sign flashes across the screen and we're out.

Here's the thing, I really enjoy this show a lot of the time. Evil Mum is a proper nasty villain when she's allowed to be, and Jacques, when it is Jacques and not wet blanket Jean-Paul, is a scream. I just wish they wouldn't ruin it with their incessant teasing that leads to nothing. Today's example is the worst I've seen, but it's by no means the only one.

Let's face it though, I can complain all I like but we all know I'll be watching for as long as Raxl keeps walking up and down those stairs.

Join me again next time, for whatever hack-tastic gubbins they have in store for us. Until then, on this blog I am God. So just think on.

Strange Paradise Episode 12

Who's God on this blog? I'm God on this blog! And don't you forget it!

When last we visited this Strange Paradise Doc Carr wrote a letter to her fuck buddy Dan Forrest, but couldn't get anyone to mail it for her. It was a veritable rollercoaster of emotion.

I don't know how they can even hope to top themselves this time, but let us venture now to the play button, and find out.

We open with Raxl giving Cryo-Wife a bit of a hug.

I don't know what it is with people in this house hugging what is essentially a chest freezer, but they do seem to like it. Anyway, she pontificates at the coffin for a bit then Quinto comes wandering in and Raxl immediately launches into a speech at him too. Raxl likes to speechify, I've noticed.

Quinto! The Devils strength is gaining, we cannot fight alone...The Temple of the Serpents! We must call The Conjure Man!

I don't think he likes that idea

It's ok though Quinto, because;

He will not harm you! Not again, I promise.

Not again! So what did he do last time? Eh? Quinto is obviously fucking terrified of the dude, so it must have been bad. Raxl is brooking no argument though and soon enough she's dragging poor Quinto off to see the bloke, speechifying all the while. Compassion, thy name is Raxl.

Once they're in the temple Raxl starts screaming about the Devil being loose and needing the Conjure Mans help. Cut to Tarot Lady putting her make up on. Which struck me as odd but whatever. Turns out that Raxl only fucking appears in her mirror and demands help! So I guess Tarot Lady is the go-between for auld Conjure Dude? She tells Raxl that witchcraft can't beat the Devil, they'll need God to help.

Hi!

Reverend Ted McGinley! Hey, he's a vicar! Maybe he can get God on side! Just a suggestion, like. Although he's a bit busy at the moment, stroking his bible. Er...

Seems like Tarot Lady has the same idea as me, because she soon breaks into his reveries with a request for his help in 'shaping the future.' He isn't keen. Can't she see he has moping to do GodDammit? His underage stalkee has run away from him, let him moon in peace woman. Sheesh.

They talk for fecking ages, but don't actually accomplish anything other than to remind us that he fancies Holly, so we'll move on.

Raxl, convinced that the Conjure Man will now help them, sends Quinto off to the mainland with Jean-Paul and a shopping list. She squeezes in another little speech to Cryo-Wife as well of course, because a Raxl scene without a speech is like a cricket match without a  hole in one.

Jacques decides that he should go in Jean-Pauls place, because his plans are in motion now and he doesn't want Jean-Paul to screw them up. We learn this by listening to the talking portrait of Bill Compton do a soliloquy. Yes, they point a camera at a painting and pipe in a voiceover. Because they're super high tech on this show.

There's a brief scene of Jacques being faintly obnoxious to Quinto and confiscating his shopping list, and then it's off to Cafe Le DayGlo again to see Reverend Ted McGinley, sitting around reading his bible like a good little paedophilic vicar when who should wander in but...

Holly's Mum!

Fairly sure he refused to tell her where he was going when last they spoke so God knows how she's tracked him down, but let's not dwell on that little detail. Let's see what she wants, as if we don't already know.

Her first line is a doozy, I have to give her that;

The Bible, I see. I'm not surprised you feel the need of a refresher course.

Burn!

That's as interesting as the scene gets though, because if I tell you that their conversation contains the lines 'We seem to have had this conversation before' and 'This may also seem repetitious' you'll understand why I honestly think the writer was trolling like a fucking master.

The Mum from Hell departs and in comes Tarot Lady who promises to help Reverend Ted find Holly. We're not listening to them anymore though, because we're distracted by the fact that Jacques and Quinto have wandered in and are having a very conspicuous conversation at the back of the shot. Jacques is being a right old perv.

Hmmm, yes, Jacques likey

We don't get to see Jacques seduction technique though because we cut away to the mansion where 30 year old teenager Holly is admiring the talking portrait of Bill Compton. Well, I say admiring,... I think she's meant to be nervous, but who can tell?

Her reverie is interrupted by Raxl, with a greeting that is scarcely more polite than 'da fuck you doing here, bitch?' To be fair to her, she takes this in quite good humour. I suppose she is still a guest in the house and doesn't want to rock the boat. Either that or she's planning to add Raxl to her little black Death Note book when she gets back to her room. Oh, and she appears to have caught some kind of flesh eating infection.

Stop rubbing your arm woman! It's distracting!

Anyway, they just talk about the portrait of Bill Compton for a bit and then we head on over to Cafe Le DayGlo to see what Jacques is up to. No, he's not in the toilets slipping one up that leggy lass from earlier (I am so sorry). He's at the bar, ordering himself a wee drinky-poo.

After a really laboured joke about not being able to stand the heat BECAUSE HE COMES FROM HELL YOU SEE he starts to burn the letter he confiscated last episode but is stopped by Tarot Lady, who makes him spill his drink on it. Then they saunter off to a table for a chat, leaving the half charred letter unattended which I'm sure won't be important at all.

Their conversation is quite intriguing though; they seem to be hinting that Tarot Lady is well aware that he is Jacques the 300 year old devil worshiper returned from Hell, rather than Jean-Paul the 30 something millionaire with a dead wife in the chest freezer.

At least, I think that's what they're implying. It's hard to tell. This writer struggles to stay on the right side of the subtle/obtuse border.

BUT WAIT! Here comes Holly's Mum to interrupt their conversation and flirt outrageously with 'Jean-Paul', on account of how she's a money grabbing harlot don't you know.

My husband is dead you know. Just FYI. Don't even know why I bring it up, really.

Jacques sets the cat well and truly among the pigeons by telling her that Holly is on his island, much to the chagrin of Tarot Lady, who is desperately trying to signal to him that he shouldn't. He doesn't care, Tarot Lady! He's a Baddie! Come on, you know this!

Anyway, Jacques ends up inviting Holly's Mum back to the island for some rumpy pumpy on Cryo-Wife's coffin. I mean, to allow her to reconcile with Holly. Then do some rumpy pumpy on Cryo-Wife's coffin. Tarot Lady tries to throw a spanner in the works by getting Reverend Ted McGinley invited along, but Jacques is having none of it and the happy couple head off.

Shits well and truly up her at this development, Tarot Lady heads over to the bar to read the half burned letter that Jacques, because he is a terrible villain, has left behind. Upon reading it, she makes a decision...

Operator? Get me Doc Carrs Fuckbuddy!

Shit be about to go down, yo!

Now, in a sane world that would have been the cliffhanger but this is Strange Paradise where the rules of drama need not apply, so we're off back to the house instead where Holly, skin complaint all healed up, is enjoying a relaxing read on the sofa. I don't think it's a very good book though, because she keeps nodding off, and in the end she gives up and heads off upstairs. At that very moment Jacques and her Mum arrive and upon seeing them she runs off to lock herself in her room.

Jacques reaction to this 'childish' behaviour?

Well, you know, there's a little devil in all of us.

BADOOM, and indeed, TSHHH!

And that's the end of another episode. The house is really starting to fill up now; I bet it won't be much longer before Tarot Lady and Reverend Ted McGinley are shacked up there too. It'll certainly save on sets, if nothing else.

Anyway, on this blog I am God, so when I tell you to come back next time, you can't really say no, can you?

Strange Paradise Episode 11

Hello one and all and welcome to the blog on which, and I can't stress this enough, I am God.

Last time on Strange Paradise Painter Dude and Holly the 30 year old minor both wound up on the island and the talking portrait of Bill Compton told Jean-Paul that there was now enough people on the island for all their destinies to start coming to fruition.  And Reverend Ted McGinley mooned around a bit. The big old perv.

Shall we now delve into episode 11? I think we should you know.

Holly wanders onto the landing with a candle. She walks downstairs. She approaches the talking portrait of Bill Compton. She holds the candle up really fucking close to it. She walks away from it. She wanders through the doorway to the cellar.

This takes well over a minute in screen time and approximately 90 years in viewer time. I don't care how fetching the lass looks in her pajamas, a man has his limits.

It all pays dividends once she gets down into the cellar though, because Jean-Paul is there, talking to Cryo-Wife. He doesn't see her come in and she walks right up to him as he dry humps his wifes coffin while declaring his undying love. It's hilarious.

Da fucq?

Once he finally realises she's there, he tries to reassure her that everything is perfectly normal and she doesn't have to worry about the dead wife in the chest freezer. She, somewhat surprisingly, is having none of it and runs away screaming. It is, again, hilarious.

Upstairs..

It's Razl! And she's on the stairs!

AWWW YEAH! This is what the show has been missing! Motherfuckin Raxl on the motherfucking stairs, motherfuckers!

She doesn't even make it halfway down when Holly comes screeching into view followed by Jean-Paul and Raxl, upon seeing how upset the girl is, decides that this is the perfect time to start going on about how the house is cursed and the island damned. Nice job there Raxl. Really making everyone feel better. In the end Jean-Paul tells her to fuck off and put the kettle on just to get her out of the room.

We get a fairly sweet little scene next in which Holly commiserates with Jean-Paul about Cryo-wife, and doesn't even call him a lunatic or anything, and he has some kind words for her about the death of her Father, and her Mother being a moneygrubbing sociopathic harridan.

But of course the nice stuff can't last for long, and sure enough here's Raxl back with hot chocolate for everyone. Vile concoction that it is. Jean-Paul insists that Holly take hers in another room, because...

This late at night? It's a little compromising for a man and woman to be left alone together. I'm sure Raxl wouldn't approve.

Humph

So after a touch more chat Holly follows Raxl up the stairs to have her hot brown vomit drink in her bedroom and Jean-Paul is left alone with his thoughts. Oh, and with the talking portrait of Bill Compton of course.

Like her? I do. We must keep that nubile little one.

Because pervert.

Next morning, we meet Doc Carr for the first time in what feels like forever.

Here she comes, just a-walking down the stairs...

She's been in her room thinking, apparently. For 3 episodes. She's obviously got a lot on her mind. She beseeches Raxl to help her stop Jean-Pauls barn owls Cryofuckery scheme by helping to get in touch with her old fuck buddy Dan Forrest. But OH NOES!

Worst porno ever

Yes, Jean-Paul is listening to their every word! Or more accurately, he appears to be watching them film the scene on one of the set monitors. Yay Budget!

Luckily for Jean-Paul he has nothing to fear. Raxl is loyal, it seems, and will have no part of going behind his back. She proves this by walking away from Doc Carr and... going upstairs! Sadly we don't get to see another bout of stair walking from the Olympic champion because Painter Dude comes down the stairs and after they all have a bit of a natter she heads off to make breakfast.

Here's a thing though; she heads in the opposite direction to make breakfast than she did to make hot chocolate the night before. Either the house works like a Pac-Man maze or no-one involved in this show actually knows how the geography of the set is supposed to work. But that can't be true, can it?

Once Raxl is out of the way, because quite frankly who wants her around if she's not willing to make herself useful, Doc Carr explains to Painter Dude why his coming to the island to paint her sister isn't gonna work out. You know, because she's dead. And stuff. He takes it fairly well, all things considered.

He's a little confused as to why Jean-Paul didn't tell him Cryo-Wife was dead but he vows to paint the picture anyway, using photo reference. Doc Carr isn't best pleased and looks ready to all but throw him out the door. She gets awfully close to poking his eye out with that letter to Dan Forrest that's she's waving about like a madwoman. He'd not be painting any pictures if she did that!

Just post the fucking thing!

They decide between them that since Holly is, apparently, gonna get thrown off the island that very day, they can get her to mail the letter. Genius! They rush upstairs to barge into the sleeping teenage girls room and demand she help them, because if there's one time I'm most inclined to help virtual strangers with a bizarre conspiracy to stop a nutcase from going all re-animator on his dead wife it's while I'm drowsy and naked.

Of course, Jean-Paul is still listening to every word so he's just gonna decide not to kick Holly off the island after all, right? It's obvious! Come on writer man, at least try to surprise us!

Once they've gone Jean-Paul gets another message from the talking portrait of Bill Compton. It basically amounts to 'Kill them! Kill them all!'

but i don't wants to :(

Which is fine and all, but wasn't Talking Bill telling him just last episode that they were all necessary for destiny to play out? Make up your mind old son!

Cut to an indeterminate length of time later because we're in the same room but Jean-Paul is nowhere to be seen and we're watching Painter Dude trying to convince a now fully awake and dressed Holly to post Doc Carrs letter. I can see this storyline is gonna run and run.

Holly is reticent and Painter Dude resorts to telling her that Jean-Paul is a loony and she needs to leave to be safe, so she might as well take the letter with her. You know, the exact same argument that Doc Carr used on him. It has roughly the same level is success now as it did then.

Especially when Jean-Paul reappears and says that Holly knows everything and is totally cool with it, so she doesn't have anything to worry about. Except of course, it's not Jean-Paul, it's that dastardly cad of the highest order, Jacques!

They are shocked to see him, despite the fact that for a supposedly massive mansion we only ever see about 4 rooms so he was bound to show up sooner or later. But we do get this exchange, which is simply mindboggling in it's subtextual ambiguity;

Holly: Mr Desmond! Where did you come from?

Jacques: Oh, up there. [He points upstairs. Because that's where he came from. We saw him.] Oh, excuse me. Down there. [He points downwards. I have no idea why. It's clearly a clue of some sort, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.]

HE MEANS HELL!

Anyway, he confiscates the letter, so maybe it isn't going to be quite as long running a plot as I'd thought, and then launches into a longwinded explanation about how he's going to bring Erica back to life. He uses analogies. The Arctic is mentioned. And devils. Also newspapers. I don't know.

But what's this? Someone is lurking in the background, eavesdropping on the conversation. (There's a lot of that about this episode.) It's Raxl! And she's...

On the stairs! 

She's also in full fucking view of Jacques. Espionage not Raxl's strongsuit then. Having heard what he has to say, she wanders down into the crypt to have a bit of a gossip with Cryo-Wife.

Who is he, Little Mistress? Your husband, or Jacques Elois DesMonde, a Satan out of the last 300 years? Battle lines must be drawn in the mystic world, to protect the dead, and those destined to die!

Points well raised, I'm sure you'll agree. She doesn't wait around for an answer though, because A) the episode is over and she was being shooed off stage, and B) she's talking to a dead woman! She's as mad as her fucking boss is!

And so we come to the end of another nerve shredding installment of Strange Paradise. Once again the plot has stalled slightly; because unless that letter comes up again, this whole episode seems to have been completely pointless; but for all that it rattled along fairly well and didn't outstay it's welcome. Also, RAXL ON THE STAIRS, BITCHES!

I'll be back when I'm back with another episode but until then just bear this in mind; On this blog, I am God!

Strange Paradise Episode 10

If you read the last Strange Paradise post you will be aware that I got slightly annoyed with the show because it took an entire episode to do absolutely nothing. So much nothing that I'm not even gonna do a 'Last time on...' this week. Let's just dive in and see if it redeems itself. Episode 10, do your worst!

We open on Quinto wandering around the house. For over a minute. So...that's a good start. Also, it seems to indicate that they've given up on the expository introductions narrated by Jean-Paul. Nice consistency.

As Quinto is going walkabout we skip over to Cafe Le DayGlo to see Holly telling concerned friend/creepy stalker priest Reverend Ted McGinley to leave her alone. I don't know what he was expecting when he turned up unannounced, but she sure aint happy to see him.

Get your damned dirty hands off me you fiend!

She storms off and, because he's really good at taking hints, he tries to follow her. Luckily Painter Dude, who seems to spend all his time wandering in and out of the cafe, blocks his exit. Well done, Painter Dude.

Quinto is still wandering around. He goes into what I think is some kind of shed or barn or something. For added excitement, he closes the door behind him while looking at the camera really gormlessly. At this point we've obviously reached our limit for tension, because we cut to the titles.

And it's a good job we do because immediately upon the titles ending we're back on Quinto, who walks through the barn and then... ducks below camera shot? I think we're meant to think he's gone down like a trapdoor or something, but all we see is him just dropping off the bottom of the picture. Because high tech! But can you imagine if we'd seen that without the break for the titles? We'd have positively burst with excitement!

Cafe Le DayGlo is seeing it's own fair share of excitement too, because Reverend Ted and Painter Dude are coming dangerously close to having cross words. The extras in the background are looking worried

The guy from Big Bang Theory is especially worried

and well they might, because if shit did kick off I'm not sure the sets could take it. Luckily the two hardmen suddenly decide to become best chums and have a good old laugh about the whole thing. Because of course they do. After slagging off Hollys Mum for a bit, Reverend Ted heads off to his room and Tarot Lady stops in to give Painter Dude a mission. It goes a little something like this...

You're really close friends with the underage girl you only met several hours ago so I want you to talk her into packing up her shit and going back where she came from; even though that would mean heading back into the clutches of an evil manipulative parent who wants to have her committed in order to steal her inheritance; because my Tarot cards keep predicting bad shit for her if she stays here.

That Painter Dude does not immediately reply with 'Fuck off you absolute mentalist'  speaks volumes about him. And oh look, here's Holly back. What perfect timing. He talks to her for a bit and while, to his credit, he doesn't tell her to turn around and go home; he'd be on the wrong show if he did; he does make fun of her reasons for leaving home. Because he's sensitive. 30 seconds of conversation with him and she looks like this.

MAKE IT GO AWAAAAYYYY

He insults her intelligence a little more, she tells him to fuck off and then they forget they're arguing so they can start talking about someone else. Just like Painter Dude and Reverend Ted did. I'm starting to think Cafe Le DayGlo is a TARDIS with a working Temporal Grace circuit. (Doctor Who references FTW)

They chat about Tarot Lady for a while; Holly thinks she's 'The Most' because that's totally something a hip young thing would say, and not at all a 30 something man trying to write young. Then their utterly fascinating conversation is cut off by their noticing that Jean-Paul has arrived.

Jean-Paul in the hizzouse

And he's talking to Quinto! Who was at the house, ON ANOTHER ISLAND, but a scene or two ago. I mean admittedly we did see him fall into a hole; or whatever, you know; so maybe that was a Magical Portal Of The Writer Doesn't Understand How Time and Distance Work. You never know.

Painter Dude wanders off with Quinto, while Jean Paul and Tarot Lady have a chat.  She used to read his cards, she says, but now is afraid to. He tells her she's taking her heredity too seriously and she replies with:

I can't escape it. Any more than I can The Conjure Man. 

Whoa there, woman! The Conjure Man? Just gonna drop that in the middle of a conversation like it's, you know, normal? The fucking Conjure Man? Sheesh.

Oh, turns out it's totally normal. Jean-Paul is just all like, 'ah yes, The Conjure Man, how is the old chap, keeping well is he?' And she's all, 'yeah, he just chillin in his crib, aint no thing.' It's all very strange. Although the scene does redeem itself by providing the most hilarious reading of the line 'No man should live alone' that I've ever heard. So, you know, bravo Jean-Paul.

But there's no time to dilly dally, the boat is all loaded with his shopping and there's at least two carrier bags of freezer stuff so Jean-Paul has to leave. But not before...

Jacques in the hizzouse

Jacques is back! What shit will he get up to this time? Last time he made an appearance he tried to cop off with Doc Carr, will he now try it on with Tarot Lady? I bet he does! The swine!

Oh, he hasn't. Ah well. Instead he just does his usual shtick of being obnoxiously cheerful and then fucks off, leaving Painter Dude and Tarot Lady to say their goodbyes and have a bit of a conversation about how weird he is.

Quick cut over to the island, because you didn't think we were going to see any of the journey, did you? Hah! Quinto is sent ahead with the packages and then Painter Dude is led off up the hill by Jean-Paul. At least, I think it's Jean-Paul. He's acting like Jean-Paul. But then, if it is, what was the point of him turning into Jacques for all of about 20 seconds in the previous scene? Has the writer gone mad? It's a fair bet.

None of that is the point of this scene though. Oh no, there's something far more important going on. You see, once they've all fucked off up the hill to the house, who should pop up out of the boat but...

Holly in the hizzouse

Holly! No good will come of this!

Oh no! Quinto is back and Holly is freaking out! I told you no good would come from this! Mind you, I can't help feeling she's overdoing it a bit. I mean, yes, he's all very Uncle Fester and everything but she's seen him about on the mainland, so it's not like his appearance should come as a surprise. Silly blonde girl. (I'M JOKING! HASHTAG DONTHATEME)

It's all right, she's calmed down now. Quinto has offered to carry her bags for her so she's totally cool with him. Typical woman, amirite? (Please see previous disclaimer)

Painter Dude is admiring the portraits up at the house. Jean-Paul tells him that the one he is going to paint will be the most beautiful of all. I think that's meant to be him saying his wife is beautiful but it just sounds like a threat. 'YOU WILL PAINT A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE, DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU WILL!' I'm still not sure if we're meant to be seeing Jean-Paul or Jacques. I'm not sure the actor knows.

Back at the cafe Tarot Lady is reading some Tarot Cards, because that's all she knows how to do if there's no-one around to terrify with dire warnings of death. She's not alone for long though because Reverend Ted McGinley wanders into shot and starts sticking his oar in. As if a ruddy vicar would understand superstitious twaddle that preys on the fear of the unknown to convince people it knows what's best for them.

The powers of the Tarot may be the magicians way to power, but they are also the souls way to God. Any path that leads to God should have a Ministers approval.

Yeah, whatever you say mate.

Of course, Reverend Ted isn't just making polite conversation, or what passes for it in this show. Oh no, he wants to question her about Holly. She claims not to know anything about her, even though she's been happy enough to tell anyone who'd listen about her dire fate up until now, but says she's determined to find out where she's gone, 'for reasons of my own.' She wants to go all Girls In White on her ass doesn't she? That's totally it.

Gon' break her in real gooood

Speak of the devil, Holly has just arrived at the house. Jean-Paul is all fuming ass angry about it at first but she tells him that she's on the run from a world that bugs her and he's the only man in the world who could possibly understand; which makes absolutely zero sense but who cares at this point; and he's all 'aww shucks, well when you put it like that you can stay as long as you like, pretty underage girl I've never met before in my life.'

So, you know, all's well that ends well.

Once he's sent both Holly and Painter Dude off to their rooms, because they're both 12, Jean-Paul has a nice sit down in his favourite chair next to the talking portrait of Bill Compton. You'd think he'd know better by now. Sure enough, the talking portrait starts talking to him.

Bring us no more guests. We have enough to resolve our destiny, and theirs. So says the talking portrait, and it's a sentiment that doesn't go down at all well with Jean-Paul.

He's no a happy chappie

And... it looks like... yep, that's it. The last two minutes is literally just a long slow pull out from his face, and then the credits play, still over him sitting in the armchair looking miserable. You've gotta pity the actor. Fair play to him though, he only fidgets a tiny bit.

This has been a massive improvement on the last episode, there's no denying it. I mean, minuscule as it may be their has been some forward momentum, and now that more of the cast are converging on the house it seems like the main plot may finally be about to kick into high gear. Cautious optimism is engaged. Sort of.

So I'll say goodbye, and leave you with this thought; On this blog, I am God. And don't you forget it.

Strange Paradise Episode 9

It's time once again to delve into the madness that is Strange Paradise. I know you're as excited as I am.

Last time, Dan Forrest was offered a day trip to the past but on realising it was only metaphorical time travel he fucked it off and went home; Doc Carr accused Jean-Paul of murder, changed her mind and decided he was possessed instead, then changed her mind again and just looked confused; and we got hints of major, Tarot based, destinies for all involved. T'were a thrillride and a half and no mistake. But what next?

We open, as last time, on Jean-Paul dictating a little message to his dead...sorry, cryogenically preserved, wife about what's going on. It's a handy way to get everyone up to speed in a way that absolutely isn't a rip off of the Vicky W opening voiceovers on Dark Shadows. No Sir, not at all. Here is todays...

And so another day has passed, my darling Erica. Another day without you. The storm we've been sitting through has subsided, and I'm going over to the main island to commission the young man your sister recommended, to do an oil of you. Until the day your loveliness returns from the beyond, to reality, your portrait and I will share the hours.

So we know what the main storyline of this episode is going to be, and we get a re-affirmation of Jean-Paul's creepy obsession with his CryoWife. Job done.

Our first proper scene is with Reverend Ted McGinley, who is stopping in to visit that noted harridan, Hollys Mum. Because he likes being accused of stalkery pervert status I guess.

Wow, there really was nothing more to the scene than that. Ok. Moving on.

To a shot of some stairs!

Ok, place your bets, who is gonna come down them? I'm hoping for Raxl; given her absence from the entirety of the last episode she has lots of stair walking to make up.

Raxl! Raxl! Raxl!

Bugger, it's Jean-Paul. And he's looking a wee bit perturbed. Not sure why. Perhaps he's having one of those days were you hear a constant buzzing noise but you search and you search and you just can't see the fly. It's possible, right? I mean, I'm just spitballing here.

Quinto is here to take his mind off things though, by showing him the documents Forrest has sent over to have resigned, on account of he signed them as Jacques, back when he was possessed that time in the cafe. You remember. He basically tells Quinto he aint got time for that shit though, because he needs to find Raxl. Aaah, that's why he was all perturbed. See, I knew there was something.

Why is he so desperate to find her though? I can't imagine he wants to take her with him to the mainland. That'd just be embarrassing. Oh, he wants her to monitor the gauges on Cryo-Wife's casket. He couldn't possibly leave the house with her unattended, and Doc Carr can't help because she thinks the whole thing is utter fucking lunacy.

He doesn't say that last part.

The only logical thing to do in this situation is of course to...

Just a little drinky poo

Yes, that's right, get sloshed. Good thinking there old son. You'll go far.

It's at this point that the talking portrait of Bill Compton starts mocking him and if I've learned anything from the year it's taken me to watch 9 episodes it's that this show is always better when Watercolour Bill is talking. I'm not sure Jean-Paul agrees though.

GERROUT MA HEID

Why do you drive to make me believe that you and I are one? Well perhaps I am one with you...or perhaps I am a devil, as Raxl says you are. Whatever your strange power is, that forces me to lose control over myself, and commit inadvertent actions, I beg of you please, PLEASE, do not place in jeopardy the cryonics process or the ultimate return of my darling Erica to these arms where she rightfully belongs.

That's what Jean-Paul says to Watercolour Bill. And if that doesn't convince you that this show is insane then nothing will. I mean come on, he's being forced to commit INADVERTENT ACTIONS for fucks sake.

There's a bit more back and forth, with Jean-Paul threatening to cut up the painting, and Watercolour Bil basically telling him to bring it on, and then we cut to Reverend Ted McGinley. For more blatant filler.

'This scene is pointless.' 'OMG I no rite?'

Oh, now they're discussing whether Hollys dad being dead might have affected her behaviour. Can't imagine why it would.

Over at Cafe Le DayGlo, what a coincidence, Tarot Lady and Painter Dude are talking about Holly too. They're joking about Painter Dude possibly wanting to shag her. Between him and Reverend Ted, she sure does attract some skeevy older guys. Poor lass.

Painter Dude. Check him out.

The jocularity doesn't stick around for long, because true to form that noted party pooper Tarot Lady is soon making dread pronouncements about how Holly is about to go through shit. She never predicts romance and lottery wins, this one.

Quick hop back to Hollys Mums house.

She's threatening Reverend Ted again. Blah blah, she's too young for you, blah blah, she's going to be rich when the will comes through, blah blah, she's manipulating you you big perv, blah blah blah. Seen it all before, moving on.

Jean-Paul is ready to leave now. Turns out Raxl was down in the Cryo Dungeon the whole time. Silly Jean-Paul! We still don't see her though, was the actress on holiday?

Cafe Le DayGlo now, and Holly has arrived! Yay! Now maybe everyone will stop talking about her. She sees the Tarot cards on the table and asks Tarot Lady to tell her future. Tarot Lady jumps up screaming YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW GIRL! YOU GON' DIEEEE. DIE REAL BAAAADD, and runs out of the room. Or she might as well have. Seriously, she aint hanging about.

Holly wants to know why Tarot Lady is so unwilling to talk to her but Painter Dude tells her to shut her damn mouth and sit her pretty ass down so he can schmooze her. Again, not really, but as good as. For someone who is being positioned as a major player, Holly sure is being written pretty weak.

Y U B SO MEAN?

Painter Dude manages to rein in his rampant chauvinism long enough for them to have a nice chat about how he isn't a junkie, he just has a shitload of debt, and how she's on the run from her Mum who wants to lock her in the loony bin for the crime of wanting to keep her inheritance. It's all very Mills&Boon.

Jean-Paul arrives. Painter Dude almost creams his pants, because he never thought the commission would actually happen. And it almost doesn't, because fucking Tarot Lady over here is all, 'can I have a word Jean-Paul?' and 'death stalks you and yours Jean-Paul' and 'you must leave the island at once Jean-Paul or everyone and everything in your life will turn to a big old pile of steaming shite.' And so on.

Jean-Paul listens to just about as much as he can stomach before telling her to step off. Aint no way he's leaving that island! That there is his very own tropical paradise. Even if it is a slightly strange one. (Eh? Eh? Oh suit yourself) Luckily he isn't pissed off enough to just walk out and never look back, and Painter Dude gets his meeting after all.

Of course, it's not entirely clear how he expects to get Painter Dude to paint his wife, since his wife is locked up in her Cryofuckery coffin. He obviously has a plan though.

That's his Plan Face

The meeting takes all of about 30 seconds and Jean-Paul just cold hands over seven and a half grand in cash. Cos that's just how he rolls. Then he wanders off to buy some Buds and the latest Playboy, leaving Holly and Painter Dude to their budding romance. I hate to think what's going to happen when Reverend Ted arrives on the scene. Him and Painter Dude are gonna kick off, I guarantee it.

After a little bit of banter, Painter Dude gets up and leaves to use that thick wad of cash to pay off the mafia hitmen who are hounding his every move. I swear he's not offscreen more than 10 seconds when Tarot Lady wanders in and says 'Oh Holly, Painter Dude has put in a word for you and I'm giving you a job.' Oh yes, Tarot Lady? When exactly?

Horrible bit of directing, that. Stands out a mile. If I wasn't so forgiving a soul I might have turned off the show and thrown my laptop out the window, bellowing with rage.

Holly gets all excited and as she gets up to leave; don't ask me where she's going cos I haven't got a clue; she bumps into...

Of all the Day Glo Cafe's in all the world...

It's only fucking Reverend Ted McGinley! Where the hell did he come from, he was talking to her Mum not five minutes ago. What the hell is happening to the passage of time here! I'm GETTING ANNOYED at this WANTON DISREGARD for logical story structure!!

Ahem, anyway, Holly isn't pleased to see him, and screams at him to leave her alone and get out out. I'm sure he'll respectfully abide by her clearly heartfelt request. Yeah. Definitely.

Jean-Paul is back. It seems he and Painter Dude can't go over to the island because Quinto had to take the boat with an urgent message for Raxl. Hmm. Rum.

We scoot on back to the house, where Quinto has already arrived, because TIME IS  MEANINGLESS NOW, and he... walks across the hall towards the cellar door.

There's a flash of lightning.

Look at him there. Al big and Quinto-ey

He pauses to ponder the lightning for a second. Then he walks through the cellar door.

The end.

The fuck was that about? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE AND THEY STILL BROKE ALL THE LAWS OF SPACE AND TIME TO FIT IT ALL IN. ALL THE NOTHING. BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENED. THE FUCK!??!

Next episode best be fucking epic, that's all I'm saying.